What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be focusing more on managing a the expectations of a 45 year old woman who has not previously had children as to her fertility/odds of having a healthy child than the timing of the wedding.

I am sure OP's daughter is aware.

Anyone getting married at 45 and planning a "big summer wedding" is exhibiting some signs of divorce from reality.

You have no idea what they are or aren't doing in the meantime. I say good luck to them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be focusing more on managing a the expectations of a 45 year old woman who has not previously had children as to her fertility/odds of having a healthy child than the timing of the wedding.

I am sure OP's daughter is aware.

Anyone getting married at 45 and planning a "big summer wedding" is exhibiting some signs of divorce from reality.

I wonder if the wedding is to appease mom…..

[Anonymous]

Also, sometimes people can't make it and that just has to be ok when the timing gets tough. My BIL called and asked about getting married in a destination wedding abroad the second weekend in May. I said unfortunately that is the worst possible time because my DD's, his two teenage nieces, would be in the middle of final exams and APs. He went ahead and scheduled it. We are not attending. I think the whole family is pissed, but sorry--we told you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's plenty of notice. Maybe everyone won't be able to come but there is never really a perfect date that works for everyone. And, I wouldn't be making my plans around a shower. I had no idea that people were actually expected to travel to go to them.

+1

I let everyone know as soon as we finalized the date. That included family overseas. Some came and that was amazing. Obviously not everyone could, and that was fine. It's a big trip that is very dependent on a lot of other circumstances.

No one traveled from across the world for a shower, that seems crazy to me.

[Anonymous]

Why in gods name would you plan a huge wedding at 45? If I were to do it all over again I would have a super small wedding, take the money my parents gave me and bought a house! But I guess hindsight is 20/20. I got married at 27.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why in gods name would you plan a huge wedding at 45? If I were to do it all over again I would have a super small wedding, take the money my parents gave me and bought a house! But I guess hindsight is 20/20. I got married at 27.

I got married in my early 30s and feel the same way. But yeah hindsight is 20/20 I guess, and I know our families would have given us grief for not having one.

I would have gone crazy if my mom were attempting to micromanage like this OP though. There were definitely family members who couldn’t attend due to surgery and health issues, newborn at home, etc. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why in gods name would you plan a huge wedding at 45? If I were to do it all over again I would have a super small wedding, take the money my parents gave me and bought a house! But I guess hindsight is 20/20. I got married at 27.

She's 45. They may already have a house. I say to each their own. I am sure she has traveled to countless weddings and bought many shower gifts and hopefully it's now this couple's turn to celebrate however they see fit.

[Anonymous]

June is already pushing it if the priority is having kids. I'd stay out of it and make it very clear I'm fine with anything they decide in terms of timeline, wedding size, guest list. Anyone reasonable would understand the time crunch aspect. And if your overseas child doesn't come, then they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:June is already pushing it if the priority is having kids. I'd stay out of it and make it very clear I'm fine with anything they decide in terms of timeline, wedding size, guest list. Anyone reasonable would understand the time crunch aspect. And if your overseas child doesn't come, then they don't.

This. If you really want to influence the participation of the overseas kid, pay for their ticket, don’t ask the couple in their 40s to postpone the wedding…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:June is already pushing it if the priority is having kids. I'd stay out of it and make it very clear I'm fine with anything they decide in terms of timeline, wedding size, guest list. Anyone reasonable would understand the time crunch aspect. And if your overseas child doesn't come, then they don't.

This. If you really want to influence the participation of the overseas kid, pay for their ticket, don’t ask the couple in their 40s to postpone the wedding…

It also might be that the timing just doesn't work out if they are active duty- it is what it is.

I think June is plenty of notice FWIW with the caveat that some people may have summer plans already (for example, we have a big vacation scheduled for immediately after school gets out), and I wouldn't expect anyone to change anything to attend a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:June is already pushing it if the priority is having kids. I'd stay out of it and make it very clear I'm fine with anything they decide in terms of timeline, wedding size, guest list. Anyone reasonable would understand the time crunch aspect. And if your overseas child doesn't come, then they don't.

This. If you really want to influence the participation of the overseas kid, pay for their ticket, don’t ask the couple in their 40s to postpone the wedding…

It also might be that the timing just doesn't work out if they are active duty- it is what it is.

I think June is plenty of notice FWIW with the caveat that some people may have summer plans already (for example, we have a big vacation scheduled for immediately after school gets out), and I wouldn't expect anyone to change anything to attend a wedding.

I agree with that, OP just seems fixated on what she can do to delay one child’s wedding instead of assist another child’s participation, which makes no sense because the first child may equally have plans for the following summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should be focusing more on managing a the expectations of a 45 year old woman who has not previously had children as to her fertility/odds of having a healthy child than the timing of the wedding.

I am sure OP's daughter is aware.

Anyone getting married at 45 and planning a "big summer wedding" is exhibiting some signs of divorce from reality.

I wonder if the wedding is to appease mom…..

If the mom is lucky maybe she can plan a joint wedding/baby shower in the spring. Who at 45 is going to put this off any longer? It would be a miracle at this point anyway. And spare me all the 45+ first time moms coming to tell me how easy it was and they got pregnant on the first try. I won't believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suppose I could have kept this more general, but the question specifically relates to notice for close family members expected to participate/attend. I have 3 DCs. Two are already married with kids, the third just got engaged. We are beyond thrilled. DD wants a big summer wedding and I assumed it would be summer 2027 because many of the venues book up early. But they are in their 40s and want to try for kids and found a venue for a weekend in June 2026. The issue is that many of our family members need to travel in for the wedding, and it's not much notice to me. One of my other DCs actually lives overseas with their family right now and they were just back this past summer for another family event, I'm dreading telling them because I know they were not planning to come back again next summer. My sister (DD's godmother) is scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in the spring which could hinder her attendance.

I'm not sure how we can fit in a shower between now and then either, because people will need to travel for that as well.....

Obviously they are adults and can do what they want but I expect to contribute a small amount, roughly what I gave my other DCs, does that give me any say in the planning?

Ma'am, I am sorry, but you have lost your mind. 6-7 months is more than enough time to plan a wedding and a shower. If everyone can't travel in for both or have other issues, oh well. Asking a couple to wait a YEAR AND A HALF for the reasons you have cited above is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suppose I could have kept this more general, but the question specifically relates to notice for close family members expected to participate/attend. I have 3 DCs. Two are already married with kids, the third just got engaged. We are beyond thrilled. DD wants a big summer wedding and I assumed it would be summer 2027 because many of the venues book up early. But they are in their 40s and want to try for kids and found a venue for a weekend in June 2026. The issue is that many of our family members need to travel in for the wedding, and it's not much notice to me. One of my other DCs actually lives overseas with their family right now and they were just back this past summer for another family event, I'm dreading telling them because I know they were not planning to come back again next summer. My sister (DD's godmother) is scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in the spring which could hinder her attendance.

I'm not sure how we can fit in a shower between now and then either, because people will need to travel for that as well.....

Obviously they are adults and can do what they want but I expect to contribute a small amount, roughly what I gave my other DCs, does that give me any say in the planning?

Ma'am, I am sorry, but you have lost your mind. 6-7 months is more than enough time to plan a wedding and a shower. If everyone can't travel in for both or have other issues, oh well. Asking a couple to wait a YEAR AND A HALF for the reasons you have cited above is insane.

Agreed. Although why does it have to be in the summer specifically? I don't follow why the only options are 6 months or 1.5 years. Plenty of people have weddings at other times of the year, the summer can be so hot.

As to the specifics, get a wheelchair for the aunt and have overseas sib Zoom in for the ceremony if they can't come in person. Done.

[Anonymous]

45? She’s way past child bearing age unless she be ants to adopt or is marrying a younger woman.