People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Not every family thinks or operates the same way you do. Just give what you are comfortable giving and cut yourself off if it feels like you are giving too much. I don’t think other families should have to change how they go about their day, to make you feel reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

People who demand reciprocation and people who demand friendship go hand in hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not think it is transactional to notice patterns of effort. It is not about expecting payback. It is about how the relationship feels on the giving side.

Hosting is easy for some, which is great. For many parents, though, the planning, supervising, cleaning, and rearranging schedules is real work. When one family hosts repeatedly and the other never takes any initiative, even in small or simple ways, it can begin to feel imbalanced. This can happen even when the non-hosting family is not doing anything intentionally wrong.

Reciprocity does not mean keeping score or asking for identical invitations. It can be something small, like offering the next hangout, inviting the child to the park, giving a ride, or simply showing that the relationship involves effort from both sides.

If someone notices that they are always the one who steps up, it is not unhealthy or transactional to think about that. It is simply an attempt to make sure the dynamic feels mutual rather than one-sided.

Different families have different capacities, and that is completely valid. Mutual effort in whatever form each family can manage is what keeps relationships feeling respectful and sustainable.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This hasn’t bothered me in a while. I was glad my kids all have a lot of friends. I just feel like some people are just takers. They never offer anything, just take take take.

I know some people have difficult circumstances. I don’t necessarily think it has to do with money but personality.

I wonder if it is lack of basic manners? There are some kids I have hosted, driven, fed countless times with absolutely no reciprocity. Reciprocation can be in ANY form.

Reciprocity implies transactional because its an exchange of sorts. Doing something and expecting reciprocity is only going to lead to hurt feelings and disappointment or grievances.

You can only have very clear expectations- IME- with close friends, not parents of other kids you take to soccer somedays. I can say to my closest friend, Yes we want to see you but I can't do the car ride this time (knowing we have made the trip the last 3 out of 5 times we have seen them). Its hard for the baby to be in the car for 2+ hours can we meet in the middle or you guys come over here?

Also, do you ask for favors? I always offer but some people dont take me up on it and then I would hate to find out they actually think I dont reciprocate.Or if, instead of a playdate inside or a party I suggest meeting up at a park and bringing donuts and coffee but you decline. Not everyone reciprocates in 1:1. A few of husbands friends have huge houses and pools with crazy summer parties, but we cant reciprocate that exact environment.

[Anonymous]

A carpool should be reciprocal if possible, because it's a chore, but I don't think hosting needs to be. If someone wants to throw a party, they can't do it without guests - and it's so uncomfortable to invite people and have many decline. I say yes to invitations from friends because it's supportive, not because I think the host is doing me a favor that needs to be returned.

[Anonymous]

I do think it's a bit odd when invite someone's child over and parent doesn't reciprocate by inviting your child over another time. (Only happened once; lacks a bit of kindness and give side eye in head but let it go.)

[Anonymous]

I think takers tell themselves stories, like “oh well they have a basement so it’s easier to host there,” or “well they only have 2 kids and we have 3” or “well our dog jumps a lot.”
It’s kind of bullshit IMO
The ratio at which I host the friend stuff is insane. I do it because otherwise my sensitive kid won’t have friend hangouts and will be super sad on weekends and instead on screens 100 percent of the time.
I do not so it because I think perpetually hosting is awesome. I like and need quiet time to do laundry too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think takers tell themselves stories, like “oh well they have a basement so it’s easier to host there,” or “well they only have 2 kids and we have 3” or “well our dog jumps a lot.”
It’s kind of bullshit IMO
The ratio at which I host the friend stuff is insane. I do it because otherwise my sensitive kid won’t have friend hangouts and will be super sad on weekends and instead on screens 100 percent of the time.
I do not so it because I think perpetually hosting is awesome. I like and need quiet time to do laundry too.

The following is not a dig at your kid or family, it's an explanation of mine: I have an only child who is mellow, and we're busy with activities much of the weekend. When we're home, I don't need her out of the house or kept occupied. Therefore I don't feel the same way about reciprocating as some of the parents who view a playdate offer as a welcome break.
I get that many families are different, but this is the reality for my family and it's a big part of why we don't host often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think it's a bit odd when invite someone's child over and parent doesn't reciprocate by inviting your child over another time. (Only happened once; lacks a bit of kindness and give side eye in head but let it go.)

I am a foreigner. My child was invited to a someone's house to play 1:1 as playdate by a few families, only once from each family. It never come to my mind that I need to reciprocate by inviting their child over to my house to play. My house is too messy and cluttered to host. My child does not really play at home. We are out of house on weeknight or weekend most of the time due to activities. Do families expect me to reciprocate after one playdate only at their house for playdate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it's a bit odd when invite someone's child over and parent doesn't reciprocate by inviting your child over another time. (Only happened once; lacks a bit of kindness and give side eye in head but let it go.)

I am a foreigner. My child was invited to a someone's house to play 1:1 as playdate by a few families, only once from each family. It never come to my mind that I need to reciprocate by inviting their child over to my house to play. My house is too messy and cluttered to host. My child does not really play at home. We are out of house on weeknight or weekend most of the time due to activities. Do families expect me to reciprocate after one playdate only at their house for playdate?

Kids don’t care if your house is messy or cluttered.
Did your kid enjoy playing at a friends house? Did you enjoy that he got invited somewhere? The nice thing to do is have your kid now have a friend over. It’s not that you have to, it’s just the nice thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is such an unhealthy, transactional attitude.

Do what you're comfortable doing. Don't do what you're not. If you want to invite kids over to play, do it. If you want your kids' friends to stay for dinner, invite them. If you're happy to give them a ride, do it.

If it feels like an imposition to you, dial it back. Say no. Lay low for a while.

But don't just quietly judge people who don't reciprocate as "rude" and spend time and energy mulling on it while still inviting them over! If it feels like you're giving more than you want, dial back. Otherwise, enjoy your kids' friends and your full house and stop expecting payback.

We probably host kids to play... 10x as often as my kids are invited elsewhere? Who. Cares. We often feed those kids at those times. Who. Cares. Hosting is often easier because I don't have to schlep my kids'.

Do what works for you and your family and what you enjoy and don't worry about everyone else. People have struggles you don't know about or understand and community is Good.

I used to have this limitlessly gracious attitude until I realized some people are entitled takers. So I still host but those handful of people are out.

Some people really are entitled takers who have nothing to offer (especially in terms of character). They eventually show their true colors. It initially boggled my mind that these people felt entitled to every invite and a presence at even a small group play date while never having me over and getting pissy over small things.

[Anonymous]

If our house cannot host for many reasons, do families feel weird if I just pay for their child to play merry go around or indoor playground ticket for younger child (under age 8) or maybe playing basketball, movie ticket or aquarium/museum visits (as a season pass guest) and some food as playdate for older child (above 8)? I will take care of the bills. Unfortunately, that is the only way I can reciprocate playdate in my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is such an unhealthy, transactional attitude.

Do what you're comfortable doing. Don't do what you're not. If you want to invite kids over to play, do it. If you want your kids' friends to stay for dinner, invite them. If you're happy to give them a ride, do it.

If it feels like an imposition to you, dial it back. Say no. Lay low for a while.

But don't just quietly judge people who don't reciprocate as "rude" and spend time and energy mulling on it while still inviting them over! If it feels like you're giving more than you want, dial back. Otherwise, enjoy your kids' friends and your full house and stop expecting payback.

We probably host kids to play... 10x as often as my kids are invited elsewhere? Who. Cares. We often feed those kids at those times. Who. Cares. Hosting is often easier because I don't have to schlep my kids'.

Do what works for you and your family and what you enjoy and don't worry about everyone else. People have struggles you don't know about or understand and community is Good.

I used to have this limitlessly gracious attitude until I realized some people are entitled takers. So I still host but those handful of people are out.

Some people really are entitled takers who have nothing to offer (especially in terms of character). They eventually show their true colors. It initially boggled my mind that these people felt entitled to every invite and a presence at even a small group play date while never having me over and getting pissy over small things.

If you mean taking their kid somewhere and paying for them, yes, this works. If you mean inviting the kid and the parent to join you in an outing and kid is over 8, then it doesn’t work. If I’m there, I’m going to pay for my kid, obviously.