37 year old son unemployed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. He says with his education he cannot obtain employment in the private sector as he is not a business major. And he doesn’t want to work at non profits as they don’t pay enough.

HILARIOUS op. I have a "liberal arts" degree that people crap all over and also a nice corporate job. I am starting to see why this 37 year old is "still finding himself." (Spoiler alert I think it's your fault)

[Anonymous]

Does he really get a choice of what pays enough is he is living in your basement at 37. Cut the apron strings. I can see why his wife dumped him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him starting December 1 he needs to start paying $1,000 in rent to you each month. The idea he's too old to get a job is ridiculous! Go work at Costco or Trader Joe's. He just can't get what kind of job he WANTS. He needs to get over his ego. Time for tough love.

DP. I think people need to stop using Costco or TJ as examples of jobs that are readily available. These are coveted jobs and have a lot of competition for them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him starting December 1 he needs to start paying $1,000 in rent to you each month. The idea he's too old to get a job is ridiculous! Go work at Costco or Trader Joe's. He just can't get what kind of job he WANTS. He needs to get over his ego. Time for tough love.

DP. I think people need to stop using Costco or TJ as examples of jobs that are readily available. These are coveted jobs and have a lot of competition for them now.

But you get the point I'm making - he needs to humble himself and be willing to do physical work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make him get a job and go on antidepressants. Do not enable and coddle him.

Agree. He needs to clean up after himself, dishes, laundry, make dinner, help with yard work, etc.

Most of all he needs those antidepressants, first - so he can start finding a job and get back on his feet.

Agree 100%. My early 30s single DS moved home recently after finishing a two year DC fellowship. He's looking for work and helping a lot around the house. This week, he drove his dad to a recent surgery, did the grocery shopping, changed out light bulbs and helped out with his SN sibling. It's a really tough market out there. We covered room, food, and cell. He covers all of his other expenses including health care/insurance and auto insurance/gas/maintenance. Fortunately, he has money in savings from frugal living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him starting December 1 he needs to start paying $1,000 in rent to you each month. The idea he's too old to get a job is ridiculous! Go work at Costco or Trader Joe's. He just can't get what kind of job he WANTS. He needs to get over his ego. Time for tough love.

DP. I think people need to stop using Costco or TJ as examples of jobs that are readily available. These are coveted jobs and have a lot of competition for them now.

But you get the point I'm making - he needs to humble himself and be willing to do physical work.

Yes, physical or clerical work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. He says with his education he cannot obtain employment in the private sector as he is not a business major. And he doesn’t want to work at non profits as they don’t pay enough.

I have an MA from Georgetown and work in a business services field. So do several other people at my firm. I feel like there are lots of private sector jobs for our sort in the DC area (though maybe not right now with the tough job market). Agree with others that he should get on do something... the longer the unemployement period the bigger the red flag for employers.

[Anonymous]

He could at least do substitute teaching.
A lot of people with unmarketable masters degrees are teaching things like AP Government. The fed job market might pick up again in a few years, but he needs to find some employment in the meantime. If he can get a nonprofit job, he should jump at it just to have the experience and connections. There are jobs but he needs to want to find one, and not just look for his ideal job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. He has a masters degree from Georgetown and wanted to go to one of the Fed agencies. He was not able to get in and has been trying different things. Most recently he attempted self employment and became discouraged when his work dried up. He was also in an abusive marriage where his wife was upset with him for lot being ready to have children which also brought him down I think.

He feels very depressed and doesn’t know how to obtain gainful employment and thinks he is too old now.

Her being upset with him for not "being ready" at 37 (!!!!) to have children is not "abusive."

Stop making excuses. He sounds like a complete loser.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s very easy to say what one might do in a particular situation, but until one lives it, one cannot know.
It’s difficult that say whether he’s clinically depressed or what’s going on without an evaluation by a qualified person.
In this situation I don’t know that kicking him out of your home is going to help him get started on his way. Somewhere there a happy medium between throwing him out and allowing him to stay while setting reasonable expectations, setting and maintaining boundaries with him and holding him accountable.
How about a career coach who can write him a professionally done resume, cover letter template and linkdin page? I can understand why someone with his educational credentials may feel worse working in food service or retail. He probably already feels bad about himself as he’s seeing his peers buying homes, and doing things he had anticipated doing by now. I applaud him for not agreeing t have children and for leaving a marriage where he was being mistreated.
Would he be open to at least agreeing to meet with a counselor a couple of times to see if it’s someone he is comfortable being open and honest with?
Agree on having him be a contributing member of the household as far as helping with tasks and contributing something financially. It doesn’t need to be $1,000 per month, but something that would be enough to be meaningful-the point isn’t dollars, it’s about learning responsibility.
I would consider putting some type of time frame on this as well, something reasonable.
This is not at all uncommon and not anything you have or haven’t done. At 37, he still has a lot of time in front of him. This can be worked through. Try to focus on the things he has done right and that you are proud of him for.
This can be isolating for you and your spouse as well, as you’re seeing other people with similar age kids in a different place than yours.
But that doesn’t mean they’re any better than your son. This place he is in, and you are always in is not the place you or he will always be in.

[Anonymous]

t’s not abusive for a wife to want children. Obviously, he does not want children, she did, so the correct thing would be divorce.
MA in European Studies? Not a lot of opportunities without actual experience or a strong minor. Federal employment is never a given – and unless you get an intern position in college, getting in the door requires experience, which it sounds like he doesn’t have.
Like others have said – he needs to get a job. Any job. It could be retail – many shops hiring right now for holiday season.
While doing this, look for jobs related to field, and even if they don’t pay much – accept them to get experience. Something currently posted is Program Assistant, Transatlantic Security Initiative.

[Anonymous]

I really hope my kids don't move home in their late thirties! Sounds like a terrible burden.

Isn't allowing him to live at home enabling his depression. As long as he has shelter and food, he's not going to take "any" job - he's going to remain overly picky and likely long-term unemployed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d make him get a job. Anywhere. I had a friend who lost his ceo job at 39. He took a job in a pizza shop. One day he started talking to a customer about economics and voila it was the headhunter for a major company and he became a ceo once more.
Just get out there and do something!

This did not happen.

Yes, of all the things that never happened, this is the neverest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s very easy to say what one might do in a particular situation, but until one lives it, one cannot know.
It’s difficult that say whether he’s clinically depressed or what’s going on without an evaluation by a qualified person.
In this situation I don’t know that kicking him out of your home is going to help him get started on his way. Somewhere there a happy medium between throwing him out and allowing him to stay while setting reasonable expectations, setting and maintaining boundaries with him and holding him accountable.
How about a career coach who can write him a professionally done resume, cover letter template and linkdin page? I can understand why someone with his educational credentials may feel worse working in food service or retail. He probably already feels bad about himself as he’s seeing his peers buying homes, and doing things he had anticipated doing by now. I applaud him for not agreeing t have children and for leaving a marriage where he was being mistreated.
Would he be open to at least agreeing to meet with a counselor a couple of times to see if it’s someone he is comfortable being open and honest with?
Agree on having him be a contributing member of the household as far as helping with tasks and contributing something financially. It doesn’t need to be $1,000 per month, but something that would be enough to be meaningful-the point isn’t dollars, it’s about learning responsibility.
I would consider putting some type of time frame on this as well, something reasonable.
This is not at all uncommon and not anything you have or haven’t done. At 37, he still has a lot of time in front of him. This can be worked through. Try to focus on the things he has done right and that you are proud of him for.
This can be isolating for you and your spouse as well, as you’re seeing other people with similar age kids in a different place than yours.
But that doesn’t mean they’re any better than your son. This place he is in, and you are always in is not the place you or he will always be in.

Ignore many posters OP, unless they've walked a mile in your shoes....
Here is some good advice. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. He has a masters degree from Georgetown and wanted to go to one of the Fed agencies. He was not able to get in and has been trying different things. Most recently he attempted self employment and became discouraged when his work dried up. He was also in an abusive marriage where his wife was upset with him for lot being ready to have children which also brought him down I think.

He feels very depressed and doesn’t know how to obtain gainful employment and thinks he is too old now.

Her being upset with him for not "being ready" at 37 (!!!!) to have children is not "abusive."

Stop making excuses. He sounds like a complete loser.

This parent reached out to this site looking for some support, viable suggestions and validation. I wouid not be suggesting her son is a “complete loser.” I believe that most people have the capacity for greatness, to make progress, and to become better. None of us really knows the complete situation here. I don’t think she’s making excuses per se, I think she’s a mother who is grieving the loss of what she and her husband raised him to be. Sometimes people’s kids don’t always hold up the mirror to reflect back the values, the parents have taught. There are many outside influences of how a child turns out, teachers, bus drivers, grandparents, uncles and aunts, neighbors. The list goes on and on. This can be anyone’s child at any time, so many things can happen, an illness, injury, mental health issues, a childhood traumatic event that gets triggered at some point by any number of things. This situation is certainly not hopeless. He can turn it around, you and your husband can help increase the chances by sending the message that he is capable and worthy, set the boundaries, not only is it good for him-he needs that. Perhaps a counselor can help figure out what motivates him, help him set goals. But you know your son best and you probably already know the answer. You’re just in a difficult place and it’s hard to sort through it all right now Try to keep a calm environment without enabling him either.
Don’t let other peoples comments get you down. Stand up straight and tall. You will get through this and more importantly so will he.