FIL Critiques

[Anonymous]

"Here's a critique for you, FIL. Shut the F up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'll put it on The List."

A very short phrase. Same phrase. Repeated every time. With no interest shown. That's what DD says when we suggest a movie or a book and we know now to curb our suggestions.

This is a good one. Maybe put out a yellow legal pad and create the FIL Thankgsiving 2025 Helpful Suggestion List. If he starts mentioning something verbally, just hand him the list.

[Anonymous]

He thinks he's being helpful. Tell him you are not trying to optimize anything so he can just reframe his visit and relax without looking for areas for improvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. My FIL does the same. He suggested we add a "wing" to our house! We have 4 bedrooms and 2 kids, so we already have a guest room. Apparently it isn't grand enough for him to feel comfortable in. Ugh.

Honestly thank you for sharing. I sometimes feel very alone in this! Yes it could be worse regarding in laws but it’s SO ANNOYING to feel like someone is judging everything and finding fault all the time!

DP- I'll commiserate with you! For YEARS my mom harped on us not having a garage. She would come up with all kinds of crazy ideas for us to have a garge on our tiny urban lot. It really grated on me after a while! She finally gave it up but recently expressed a desire to move here to be closer to us. I explained that the neighborhood she liked is all street parking and she would miss pulling right into a garage. She told me, exasperated, " Oh I don't care about that!"

You can't make this stuff up.

[Anonymous]

When my MIL was at her peak of driving me BATTY with snide comments, I started playing "MIL BINGO" in my head. She had a few particularly irritating ones that would make me tense. Once I started anticipating that she WOULD say these things, and in fact, I almost wanted her to so that I could play my mental game, I STOPPED CARING SO MUCH. Like instead of going to a place of tense annoyance I'd think "yesss" and give myself a tally mark.

It was amazing how well it worked. So: you and your DH should come up with a rote response in the moment like "noted!" and then move along. But also, write these down! Maybe a shared iphone note? No other comments, just the critique.

I find it's much better to do the old "If you can't beat them, join them" with old cranky people.

[Anonymous]

"As a critique, John, you should know it is extraordinarily rude to criticize your hosts, on Thanksgiving, no less."

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for this helpful advice!!!!

- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say whatever you want to say in advance, but there is like a .000001 percent chance he will change. I would just pivot to laughing about it behind his back and letting it all go. My sister and I bond through laughing about the incredibly ridiculous things our dad says.

Agreed. He’ll never change. It’s hard to laugh about it when I see my husband get so upset. FIL has never had a real conversation with him, ever. It’s all unwanted “critiques” and long monologues that center around himself. I personally just think he’s a socially awkward blowhard (potentially high functioning autism?) but I don’t want him to feel rejected by us either. I think we are one of the last places where he is welcome. My husband says every time he’ll try to have a real conversation but it won’t happen. Very sad. Also very, very annoying.

This is so validating, because my dad is the exact same way. I haven’t been able to have a real convo w him since maybe I was a kid, for the same reasons you cite. And he is incredibly critical as well. I am not nearly as kind as you because when he criticizes things in my house where he stays when he visits, I ignore him. I can’t even engage enough ti pivot the conversation. I look him dead in the eyes and then walk on. My husband and I have tried so hard to ask real questions about his life experiences. Heck I even had my son interview him on camera about a certain aspect of his life he loves to talk about. But the responses even then were long monologues about himself that somehow don’t provide useful or interesting info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. My FIL does the same. He suggested we add a "wing" to our house! We have 4 bedrooms and 2 kids, so we already have a guest room. Apparently it isn't grand enough for him to feel comfortable in. Ugh.

This made me laugh, tell him the wings are at the White House! Not your house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'll take it under advisement. Here, have some mixed nuts."

This is really good advice but I literally tried this and he said “small critique, with nut allergies being so pervasive may I suggest a different canapé for future visits?”

I hope this made you laugh! In real life it was very frustrating.

DP.
Sure, bring us some good ones next time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say whatever you want to say in advance, but there is like a .000001 percent chance he will change. I would just pivot to laughing about it behind his back and letting it all go. My sister and I bond through laughing about the incredibly ridiculous things our dad says.

Agreed. He’ll never change. It’s hard to laugh about it when I see my husband get so upset. FIL has never had a real conversation with him, ever. It’s all unwanted “critiques” and long monologues that center around himself. I personally just think he’s a socially awkward blowhard (potentially high functioning autism?) but I don’t want him to feel rejected by us either. I think we are one of the last places where he is welcome. My husband says every time he’ll try to have a real conversation but it won’t happen. Very sad. Also very, very annoying.

If he's autistic he needs to be told directly by your husband that his critiques are annoying and rude and he should do his best to not say them. Autistic people generally do not understand roundabout expressions. I suspect your FIL knows on some level that he's annoying, but he doesn't know how else to relate to people. He also thinks he's being helpful.

This is highly likely imho. I have a father who I suspect of being mildly autistic and though it’s not “critique” he can say very strange things without even realizing it. He recently commented on his grandson’s “straight nose”. Why???? I have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'll put it on The List."

A very short phrase. Same phrase. Repeated every time. With no interest shown. That's what DD says when we suggest a movie or a book and we know now to curb our suggestions.

Off topic but I was like your DD. Even if I maybe wanted to read something, god forbid my mom recommended it!
My son actually takes my suggestions more often than not and I am just surprised and happy about it. Never would have thought.

[Anonymous]

Critique is for critics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'll take it under advisement. Here, have some mixed nuts."

This is really good advice but I literally tried this and he said “small critique, with nut allergies being so pervasive may I suggest a different canapé for future visits?”

I hope this made you laugh! In real life it was very frustrating.

DP.
Sure, bring us some good ones next time!

I will be happy to share. Here are others I didn’t mention:

“Small note, I noticed that your shoes look badly worn. It’s important to have new shoes every year for optimal foot health.” (I wore old shoes to go gardening)

“I’m a bit concerned that the children often wear sweat pants to school. Teachers won’t take them seriously.”
(They’re in high school).

“Small critique, but it’s important for everyone to make sure that you don’t have an excessively high volume on your earbuds” (said right after a birthday toast from my husband and I for my daughter).

“I noticed your dryer wasn’t drying efficiently” (I had too many follow up questions so I just stared at him blankly and rushed off to work).

“I couldn’t help but notice your junk drawer needs organizing”

“I think your daughter needs to learn a computer programming language. You should check books out from the library and learn it so you could teach her.”

(Two days after i brought my new baby home after a very difficult labor and c section) “it’s really important for a real family to have three or more kids.” (We never had three or more kids)

I mean it goes on and on but the three kid one was brought up as recently as last year and the kids are in high school.

- op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'll take it under advisement. Here, have some mixed nuts."

This is really good advice but I literally tried this and he said “small critique, with nut allergies being so pervasive may I suggest a different canapé for future visits?”

I hope this made you laugh! In real life it was very frustrating.

DP.
Sure, bring us some good ones next time!

I will be happy to share. Here are others I didn’t mention:

“Small note, I noticed that your shoes look badly worn. It’s important to have new shoes every year for optimal foot health.” (I wore old shoes to go gardening)

“I’m a bit concerned that the children often wear sweat pants to school. Teachers won’t take them seriously.”
(They’re in high school).

“Small critique, but it’s important for everyone to make sure that you don’t have an excessively high volume on your earbuds” (said right after a birthday toast from my husband and I for my daughter).

“I noticed your dryer wasn’t drying efficiently” (I had too many follow up questions so I just stared at him blankly and rushed off to work).

“I couldn’t help but notice your junk drawer needs organizing”

“I think your daughter needs to learn a computer programming language. You should check books out from the library and learn it so you could teach her.”

(Two days after i brought my new baby home after a very difficult labor and c section) “it’s really important for a real family to have three or more kids.” (We never had three or more kids)

I mean it goes on and on but the three kid one was brought up as recently as last year and the kids are in high school.

- op

It must be so nice to be an old white man and think you have the answer to everything and that other people want to hear it.