Christmas Stress/Rigidity

[Anonymous]

I assume she’s not on meds, right? Or ineffective ones for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband, who is on the spectrum, had many an anger episode at Christmas because he has a hard time with something outside of his routine that also comes with social expectations. Now the kids are older, more predictable, and we've significantly pared down the holidays (fewer people, fewer events), he doesn't get upset anymore. He's also gotten used to the way I do things and manage the household (he comes from a different culture and Christmas, while acknowledged, wasn't a big deal in his family).

1. I would talk with your child every single day about her goal for this holiday: trying to keep emotions in check. This is a long-term goal that she's going to have to work on for years anyway. Tell her that she's old enough to understand the concept of proportional response. Nothing that happens apart from someone getting physically hurt, or the house burning down, is worthy of a cry. If she's feeling overwhelmed, her goal is to warn you, and work on understanding that this is no one's fault; and that she can go and calm down in a quiet room, then rejoin the group.

2. I would significantly pare down the holiday. Maybe larger, more expensive gifts, but just two per kid. Something they each want. Nothing that's a need! The needs stuff can be given at other times.

3. She seems to be stressing about the complexity of the event because her brain wants to keep track of all the details. Don't give her so many details to keep track of. Don't forget people on the spectrum may be unreliable reporters when it comes to their own feelings and why they have them. Maybe there's too much conversation, too much music, too many different dishes on the table, too many special decorations, and they're all prickly, and the tablecloth pattern is bothersome. Who knows? You can maybe have a quieter Christmas, with less stuff, but the stuff you have should wow everyone. Like one huge tree, instead of garlands strewn around the house or a second tree somewhere. One decorated cake for dessert, instead of various sweets. One impressive entree, etc. Christmas music put on low, not blasted at full volume, with breaks for silence. Maybe it's the sheer overload of sensory stuff that's making her hyperfocus on comparing presents, etc, as a means to distract herself.

It's hard to give you specifics, because each autistic child is different. My autistic son is happy with his noise-blocking headphones and isn't prone to anger or tears. When things get too much, he removes himself and reads in his room.

Um, WHAT? This is horrible parenting. Tell a competent psychiatric professional word for word that you said that to your child and see the response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

You seem rigid in the required types of gifts given. Wow. Your xmas does not sound flexible or easy going and yet you expect your child to be this way. I wonder if you are neurodivergent as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

YOU’RE TOO CONTROLLING! Back off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

I'm the mom of an 11yo dd who also has Christmas anxiety-it is so stressful for her! (she is dx asd and also now anxiety). I don't have all the answers, but a few things stood out to me OP in your posts.

-There is just TOO MUCH gifting going on here for her. My dd would melt down if all these people gave her gifts that she was expected to open and fawn over! Is it possible that you and dad give her the gifts she actually wants (the tape and pencils, ect) and then she can go somewhere like her room, and keep her family gifts for later when she could open them privately? Or you could open with her and decide to return or donate, at this later time.
I know with family, they think 'oh of COURSE Larla wants all this stuff that 'I' want to give her' but really they are not thinking about what Larla's needs are, especially because they are not what other people's are. Yes, grandma and aunts/uncles will probably make stupid remarks about Larla leaving the room-like a few of the comments on this post :/

-all the Stuff-the the busy decor, the things-would send my kid into anxiety. Not saying you should not do these things if they bring your family joy, just make sure dd has a space to be in quiet (like her room or wherever) and that she can go there without judgement from you or snide remarks from grandma. But being expected to Do All The Christmas Things would be really stressful for my dd.

I think OP that you are just going to need to set firm boundaries with the relatives-if dd needs to not participate in extended gift opening, that is what she needs and grandma needs to know that you will protect dd and her needs first. I don't know that you can make them stop gifting unwanted things to her, but you can deal with them in the way that is least stressful to dd.

As to PPs making comments like don't prep your kid, don't baby her-until you witness your normally pleasant dc try to elope on Christmas Eve and attempt to jump out of the car, keep your comments to yourself!

I’ve done this and more and still say don’t baby her.

It is helping your child-with a disability that affects their life every day-learn to self regulate and advocate for their needs.

When it becomes inhibitory to their growth it’s not helping them or teaching them anything except how to be anxious and how to depend on mom to survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

You seem rigid in the required types of gifts given. Wow. Your xmas does not sound flexible or easy going and yet you expect your child to be this way. I wonder if you are neurodivergent as well.

I would also not be surprised if I were neurodivergent, but I'm trying to describe to the posters who suggest that I rein it in that I can only limit the gifts so much - I do give a gift from myself (something I know that they need like new pants or socks) and DH and I give a joint gift from "Santa," but 90% of what is under the tree are things I don't put there. I feel like it's everyone around me that's rigid about Christmas. I have suggested traveling for Christmas, toning it down, forgoing Christmas cards or baking or various little traditions, etc. - but everyone else (even the dd who gets stressed about it) - can't imagine Christmas being any other way. I don't make anyone give a gift - everyone else just really likes gifting. So I am looking for help to rein it in - but also, it is exciting for my other dcs to get and give gifts, so I want to be respectful of them as well.

[Anonymous]

^ Same with the opening one at a time! I keep suggesting we open gifts at our own pace but no one will hear of it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like no one actually wants to do anything differently, so the options are limited to people’s reactions. Helping your daughter manage her emotions on Christmas Day, and having her emotions in the least disruptive way, and helping you manage your anxiety and distress around having unhappiness on Christmas Day. Do you have some tools or ideas of things that might help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 10, I would give her $100, or whatever you spend, and take her shopping. She picks everything out, she helps wrap it. If she whines about it on Christmas that item gets immediately sent to Goodwill.

Actually you said she’s 13, my mistake. Everything goes to Goodwill if she whines or cries. Stop babying her!

I respect this advice, but dd is my "least whiny" kid- the one who will never complain her feet hurt or say she wants something in a store or pester me for something or whine about having to go to bed early. She is terrified of getting in trouble or acting impulsively - there were a few instances where she got close to a friend, acted impulsively (like blurting something out or I remember with one friend she sang along too loud in the Taylor Swift movie) - then realizes she makes a blunder and shuts down again and takes two years to invite another kid over. She tries to keep it together because she knows it's against the rules to cry about a gift. But I hate to see her silently miserable on a day we all look forward to all year. As far as gifts- she would love to just do modest gifts. I would love to just do modest gifts. But we have a very close extended family that all values giving. DD values it too -she gets presents for everyone. We do do a very over the top Christmas - decorated floor to ceiling in every room, a gazillion lights, inflatables, food, parties, constant music, abundant traditions. DD "loves" it, and would initially be upset to do anything differently, but I can see how even something that is exciting is overwhelming and overstimulating. I do agree I need to be very clear about expectation setting and what different consequences will occur. I would love for her to give her gifts to Goodwill - she often doesn't even want most of the things- but she is scared of offending the giver.

Pare down the expectations and tell her that if she's feeling out of sorts she can take a break. You can also tell her that if she doesn't like the gifts, she can think about it for a few weeks and then give them to goodwill or another charity.

[Anonymous]

How about give lots of gifts to each kid for sheer pleasure and novelty. I would never give basic necessities as gifts. Lighten up and be frivolous. You have sucked the joy and whimsy out of the spirit of Christmas.

[Anonymous]

You’re making this way too hard on her. The other kids do not need picture-perfect Christmas either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

You seem rigid in the required types of gifts given. Wow. Your xmas does not sound flexible or easy going and yet you expect your child to be this way. I wonder if you are neurodivergent as well.

I would also not be surprised if I were neurodivergent, but I'm trying to describe to the posters who suggest that I rein it in that I can only limit the gifts so much - I do give a gift from myself (something I know that they need like new pants or socks) and DH and I give a joint gift from "Santa," but 90% of what is under the tree are things I don't put there. I feel like it's everyone around me that's rigid about Christmas. I have suggested traveling for Christmas, toning it down, forgoing Christmas cards or baking or various little traditions, etc. - but everyone else (even the dd who gets stressed about it) - can't imagine Christmas being any other way. I don't make anyone give a gift - everyone else just really likes gifting. So I am looking for help to rein it in - but also, it is exciting for my other dcs to get and give gifts, so I want to be respectful of them as well.

You are in charge of your home and you absolutely can control the gift volume.

Say no and enforce it if people ignore you.

Many firehouses collect new gifts for kids who won’t get them any other way. Send these gifts from people who will not take no for an answer on to people who will benefit.

[Anonymous]

OP I wonder if you eventually get enough space to reread your original post some of what we are saying will hit home. You are mad because you spend a ton of time and effort on the holiday and your daughter becomes overwhelmed by it (because if her recently diagnosed SN, which she doesn’t have adequate support for). A big part of adjusting to my kid’s SN was to try really hard to stop working so hard I resented my kids when things were awful, because their will be meltdowns and bad days no matter what. So you need to be the grown up here and take a step back and simplify because that’s what your daughter needs but also because you are ending up resentful. The best thing for your whole family is to have a peaceful morning with some gifts. They may not agree to that!! I have a sibling with ADHD (and I suspect ASD but he will never get diagnosed) who is VERY INTO TRADITION. Everything has to be the same every year especially for holidays. It has nothing to do with how much he likes each tradition, it’s a rigidity thing. One of my kids is similar but we have been working on flexibility and adaptability since 4 so that helps, but also I just say this is what we are doing and I make sure we do each person’s top thing. Be the grown up and be very strict about what works for your family.

I also see a lot of emphasis on Christmas morning in your post. Kids who are anxious build up those special times and are very easily disappointed. Often my favorite holiday traditions are special holiday events in the weeks ahead of time. We give cookies to the neighbors, go to a lights display things like that. Not everyone likes everything but some how it’s easier to deal when it’s not the one big morning. We also have started seeing a favorite cousin a few days after Christmas so that also helps to know there is something else exciting after the big day.

Obviously your daughter needs therapy the most so keep working on that but those are some practical ideas that have helped us.

[Anonymous]

Can you spread out the present opening over days? We typically did a gift every day btw Xmas and nye. Big benefit is kids can actually enjoy each gift. We explained to relatives in advance - did not ask, told them. It helped quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you familiar with the SPACE method for anxiety? I wonder if that would help, especially the part where you write her a letter. That might help if it's mostly anxiety but maybe less so if it's mostly about autistic overwhelm.

I'd also say it's okay to be disappointed or overwhelmed and to cry sometimes. She can excuse herself to go to her room if she needs to. Sometimes my 2eASD teen can tell in advance that the overwhelm is coming and do this. Sometimes she can't and might have an outburst. For those latter times it's helpful to have a code word or hand signal you decide on in advance that basically says "I love you and want you to be comfortable and safe. You're not keeping it together right now. Please go to your room and take a pause." Discuss all this in advance so it's clear that it's not a punishment but an opportunity to regulate. Maybe write it down, too.

Also if she's good at school and likes school, can you come up with an "assignment" for her to write out a set of possible actions she can take? Like if x happens I can 1, 2,3,4, or 5. And if y happens I can...."

Also regarding giving away gifts, my dd used to be extra rigid about this but read "the life changing magic of tidying up." Learning the "rule" that the purpose of a gift is to express a feeling in the moment (not to be a burden for the rest of your life) has been helpful in letting things go.

Talk about how you know there will be glitches and she'll mess up and you'll also mess up sometimes, and that's okay. Talk about and model options for how to repair things when we inevitably mess up.