A travel question that is much more a family relations question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For now, they said that they will keep their primary residence in the US but spend the majority of the year in this other country

So she'll be in the US sometimes. This isn't a question of never seeing her again if you don't visit her. No one is asking you to be a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are conflating visiting a special destination (in which case, the destination matters a lot) with visiting your sister (in which case, the destination matters very little). You may need to adjust your thinking about "bucket list" travel with the desire to be close with your family. For me, that would be an easy choice. You need to make your own choice, but I do implore you to think about what choice you would be happier you made on your deathbed.

Good grief no! This ridiculous version of do anything for family is just a ruse for bullies and takers to cajole people pleasers into doing what they want! If family was soooo important that you’d sacrifice your bucket list travel then why is it OK for the sister to move thousand of miles away? Anything? Anything? Nope.

There never seems to be a problem with the guilt tripper or taker making a decision that is best for themself. The problem only arises when everyone else won’t capitulate.

[Anonymous]

Meet in a more neutral location. Have joint vacations somewhere you both want to go.

[Anonymous]

Is this Mexico or Costa Rico? If yes then wish her well and tell you don’t plan to visit. If she whines, pouts, get pissy or whatever just be very direct and tell her she chose to move there you didn’t.

You are under no obligation to travel where you don’t want to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not posting the country as I do not want that to influence people's responses. The country itself only matters here in that it is one that my husband and I have no desire to visit. Never did.

What matters here is my wondering if there is an obligation to visit a friend or family member who chooses to move thousands of miles away? I feel forced and, yes, slightly bullied by my sister to visit her when it was her choice to put significant physical distance between us. It does not seem fair that now, for reasons I had no control over, it is up to me to nurture and even sacrifice for the relationship.

No op, you said it was “controversial” and that is one reason you don’t want to go. I guess it could be Dubai or Russia if not Israel - but in any event, you are absolutely judging your sister’s choice and that is why she is mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not posting the country as I do not want that to influence people's responses. The country itself only matters here in that it is one that my husband and I have no desire to visit. Never did.

What matters here is my wondering if there is an obligation to visit a friend or family member who chooses to move thousands of miles away? I feel forced and, yes, slightly bullied by my sister to visit her when it was her choice to put significant physical distance between us. It does not seem fair that now, for reasons I had no control over, it is up to me to nurture and even sacrifice for the relationship.

There is no obligation at all. Just because your sister wants you to visit her does not mean that you need to bend to her will. It sounds like you think that if you give into her that she will behave badly. This is almost certainly true as you know your sister and can anticipate what she's likely to do. You can, and probably should say no, and then anticipate blowback, but all of that is her problem and her doing not yours to mitigate or solve. No not engage further on this topic with her.

You could also just keep saying maybe next year every time she asks. Only you know whether that would be easier to manage than an upfront "No, I'm never coming."

Either way, just stop worrying about her reaction. I think you will find this freeing, if you can do it.

[Anonymous]

Zero obligation.
Visit w your sister when she’s back in the US

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to see if my perspective is out of line or unfair. I am curious what others think.

My husband and I are at an age where many of our friends and some family are considering moving now that their children are launched. Some of these moves involve keeping their primary home as is and purchasing a second home somewhere. My sister and BIL have long had a dream of purchasing an apartment or place that is easily a 12 hour flight away. For now, they said that they will keep their primary residence in the US but spend the majority of the year in this other country.

Without getting into politics, this country is controversial in its location and politics and even a bit dangerous to visit although safety is not at all a concern to me. What is a concern is that this country is not one that my husband and I would ever choose to visit. We currently do not travel often due to time and budget and do not have an unlimited budget for travel so in the future I see my husband and I, in our retirement, being able to take one big trip a year. This location where my sister will be would never make any of our lists, never mind our bucket-lists.

My sister and I are close. As she shared her plans, I was honest in sharing our position of most likely not visiting them in this country. My sister was shocked and offended by this and said that she expected us to visit them "at least once".

My more general question: when a close friend or loved one moves away, what if any obligation is there to go visit them? I will of course see my sister and BIL when they return to the US but she has made it clear that she expects us to travel to see them in their new home.

Is there a country nearby where you would meet them and travel together for fun?

[Anonymous]

The place doesn’t matter. Nobody gets a vote in how you spend your money. She has chosen to move away and if that damages your relationship, that’s on her. When her children stop visiting too, she will probably move back.

[Anonymous]

I would visit once and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not posting the country as I do not want that to influence people's responses. The country itself only matters here in that it is one that my husband and I have no desire to visit. Never did.

What matters here is my wondering if there is an obligation to visit a friend or family member who chooses to move thousands of miles away? I feel forced and, yes, slightly bullied by my sister to visit her when it was her choice to put significant physical distance between us. It does not seem fair that now, for reasons I had no control over, it is up to me to nurture and even sacrifice for the relationship.

No op, you said it was “controversial” and that is one reason you don’t want to go. I guess it could be Dubai or Russia if not Israel - but in any event, you are absolutely judging your sister’s choice and that is why she is mad.

X100

[Anonymous]

I think that Israel has enough that one trip, one time, would not be that huge a sacrifice.

But at the same time, my overall suggesiton would be to tag Israel to another trip - surely there are places in that area that would make sense to spend 3 days in Israel. Greece? Turkey? Etc. Just have it be an ad on to a trip.

[Anonymous]

Cmon OP quit playing games. You obviously have serious issues with where your sister is retiring and you’re judging her for it and she and all of us know it. So spare us the “it’s not on our bucket list” bullshit and just admit you affirmatively don’t WANT to go there for whatever reason and would rather your sister didn’t either. So your message to your sister is basically “fine, have at it but count me out.”

You’re bullying her just as much as she’s bullying you. You want to change her mind.

[Anonymous]

Zero obligation. One of my close friends moved to an international city that I happen to have visited three times for work. I'm not going there again on my own dime until I've crossed a dozen more international locations off my bucket list. She begs, but sorry. Let me know if you are in the DC area ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. Would the PP responses change if I add that my not visiting would absolutely damage my relationship with my sister? She would never understand and would take it personally.

IMO, she's asking you to visit at least once. Right? Why can't you visit her one time? If it would damage my otherwise good relationship with my sister as we are growing older, of course I'd visit her once in her new home even if it meant my husband and I didn't take that trip to France this summer and did it next summer instead. It wouldn't cross my mind to just never consider one trip.

Now, if she is expecting yearly trips, and that means you can't take the vacations to places you've been looking forward to visiting in your empty nest years due to budget constraints, then that's different.