15 year old quit everything - worried

[Anonymous]

Crew schedule is insane. How are they getting enough sleep if they have to be up by 4am? Lack of sleep can contribute to depression. Honestly, swim and crew have the worst schedules for teenagers who need their sleep!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crew schedule is insane. How are they getting enough sleep if they have to be up by 4am? Lack of sleep can contribute to depression. Honestly, swim and crew have the worst schedules for teenagers who need their sleep!

+1 and this is why my swimmer never did the early morning practices. They need sleep and not getting enough can absolutely impact mental health and lead to depression.
For my DC it meant staying with a lower level swim team until he was able to drive himself to after school practices.

Junk food is also very bad for mental health. Lose the junk food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that there might be more going on / depression BUT I also think some activities fade at this point for many kids—

-scouts if not going for top awards (eg Gold for Girl Scouts)

-teams if not the “best” for some the time to be on the bench or unlikely to make Varsity

Just examples that many kids are going through this

This is very true. My soon-to-be 15 year old DD is going through a version of this (realizing she may never make varsity) and it is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The sport was crew and involved getting up at 4 am before school for 5am practice and DC started refusing to go and I couldn’t physically drag them out of bed. I have my own job and another sibling to get to school in the mornings. I don’t think DC fully understood the commitment involved. There were 3 instances when I was the one up at 4am driving other carpool teammates to practice when my own child refused to go. I can’t do that.

Yeah, you're probably right that your DC didn't understand the commitment. But wow, that is QUITE the commitment and yes i get that you also had to get up early to help your DC get there, but maybe that is an UNREASONABLE expectation for anyone to have of 15 yr olds? Maybe as parents we should test run getting up that early and driving to wherever practice is a few times in a week BEFORE making the financial and official commitment to the team? Because that is a lot to ask. Too much to ask, for many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They sound depressed. If they won't talk to the therapist they have, find a different one. I know that's hard, but keep trying. Also try talking to them yourself, and find out if the school has seen anything.

My older sister nearly died from a suicide attempt at 15. I'm the one who called 911 and waited with her while she seized on the floor until they came. Yes, I'm saying this to scare you...but also to let you know that it's okay and smart to be overly-concerned at this age.

This is not necessarliy a suicidal child. Your post is inappropriate.

Nowhere in the PP's post that you're replying to do they deem the situation already suicidal. They are rightly ringing an alarm bell though that OP needs to continue to take it seriously and try to find more ways to get at the roots of her DC's challenge right now. It does sound like depression, but the only way to find out if that is right or what it is instead is to keep involving professionals and to ask her DC more directly about what they're feeling and thinking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the suggestions, and I am glad to hear this isn’t completely out of the realm of “normal.” Just a shame for DC to become a quitter at a critical moment in life for college. I just am concerned that DC will live to regret it in a year and a half when friends are applying and getting into college and DC has literally nothing to show personal growth or academic achievement. If they were younger I could insist they go to sports or activities, but now they need to show their own initiative. I am also getting next to no support from DH who also seems ambivalent and won’t take a role or stand and seems to ignore the whole situation. Less activities means the less DH needs to do also.

DC has struggled with anxiety and also some oppositional issues, so perhaps this is yet another way to get control. But the gaming has become a problem and huge time suck.

This will sound a bit mean, and I apologize for that up front, but gotta be direct with you: You sound much less worried about the mental health of your child than you are that crew and other commitments will mess up their college future. Which means you seem not to understand that if your child's going through mental health challenges, they're not going to do well in college anyway because they are struggling with things day to day, possibly even struggling minute to minute.

Get over your extreme focus on college and focus on your child in this immediate moment, do the work to talk to them openly (and NOT judgementally, like "get back up at 4:00am every day or you'll never get into college and will regret this the rest of your life"). Turn off the screaming alarms in your head that you won't be proud of your kid or that your kid will fail, and maybe be quiet and ask sincere curious questions about what DC is feeling, why they are refusing to go to school or do sports, what are they feeling? Ask if they're struggling and what would help them. Maybe start up front with acknowledging that maybe you didn't give them a chance or space to talk about how they are really feeling, maybe you didn't ask enough questions. Maybe start there and see if you get different responses.

And talk to their school counselor about the issues and ask for advice, and switch therapists or maybe get your own and find out what you may be doing that is making the situation worse instead of better. Own that as parents we are human, your approach may have been more pressure and oppression instead of liberating and empowering, and you get to try a reset. You must try a reset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could be depression.

It also could your DC recognizing that the UMC/aspiring class rat race for teens is unhealthy for some kids and they have a better quality life not competing in it.

This is what my 15 year old openly tells me.

As for school, I found attractive female tutors keep him engaged on subjects he's struggling with. He's super shy with women so I hope him conversing in even a nerdy way with a woman helps him feel more confident in real life.

or your DC could be struggling with the competition for college when he really has no idea what he wants to do but being forced to "know" his plan for the rest of his life. Langley used to have a wall listing what colleges seniors are selected for. Imagine a young high school student with less than perfect grades, seeing you need over 4.0 to get into VT, and seeing it EVERY DAY AS YOU GO TO ANOTHER DAY IN HIGH SCHOOL.

get DC into a different environment.

[Anonymous]

My Troll alert is ringing, OP is not really reading the posts and keeps calling their kid a quitter. Either OP is really dug in and refuses to own their own part of stressing their kid out with unrealistic expectations and not asking the right questions, or OP is trolling and likes posting tonedeaf, "overly helicopter parent not listening to their kid" posts and watching sincere people try to give sincere advice for nothing. Either way, OP's not really hearing the advice they're getting here.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think OP is a troll. This is a common theme for high school aged teens especially boys. And for parents in this area, it’s very frustrating to see and compare their child to others who seem to be overly subscribed to every activity and AP class available. No wonder these poor kids are burned out!

OP - let’s see the positives here. As far as you have mentioned, your DC isn’t out partying or doing drugs or getting into trouble. It sounds like he/she just needs a break for a bit. I would definitely continue therapy and just let your kid know that he/she is unconditionally loved and supported. At 15 he/she is probably seeing the intensity of school and life in the DMV adding up, and instead of joining in the rat race, they are tuning out.

Let them have the break they need. And just keep talking to them. Maybe they don’t have the direction they think they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the suggestions, and I am glad to hear this isn’t completely out of the realm of “normal.” Just a shame for DC to become a quitter at a critical moment in life for college. I just am concerned that DC will live to regret it in a year and a half when friends are applying and getting into college and DC has literally nothing to show personal growth or academic achievement. If they were younger I could insist they go to sports or activities, but now they need to show their own initiative. I am also getting next to no support from DH who also seems ambivalent and won’t take a role or stand and seems to ignore the whole situation. Less activities means the less DH needs to do also.

DC has struggled with anxiety and also some oppositional issues, so perhaps this is yet another way to get control. But the gaming has become a problem and huge time suck.

This will sound a bit mean, and I apologize for that up front, but gotta be direct with you: You sound much less worried about the mental health of your child than you are that crew and other commitments will mess up their college future. Which means you seem not to understand that if your child's going through mental health challenges, they're not going to do well in college anyway because they are struggling with things day to day, possibly even struggling minute to minute.

Get over your extreme focus on college and focus on your child in this immediate moment, do the work to talk to them openly (and NOT judgementally, like "get back up at 4:00am every day or you'll never get into college and will regret this the rest of your life"). Turn off the screaming alarms in your head that you won't be proud of your kid or that your kid will fail, and maybe be quiet and ask sincere curious questions about what DC is feeling, why they are refusing to go to school or do sports, what are they feeling? Ask if they're struggling and what would help them. Maybe start up front with acknowledging that maybe you didn't give them a chance or space to talk about how they are really feeling, maybe you didn't ask enough questions. Maybe start there and see if you get different responses.

And talk to their school counselor about the issues and ask for advice, and switch therapists or maybe get your own and find out what you may be doing that is making the situation worse instead of better. Own that as parents we are human, your approach may have been more pressure and oppression instead of liberating and empowering, and you get to try a reset. You must try a reset.

I disagree with you a bit and also disagree with the OPs approach. While I 100% agree with a teen having choice, I think you have to make a as-long-as-you-live-here-rent-free then X and Y must be done.

I've told my teen this. Look, you want freedom to play games? Great you need to actually study and attempt to get Bs and As. Cs appear and we have problems.

Also you need to pick X and Y to try something new. To earn time to play Z.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the suggestions, and I am glad to hear this isn’t completely out of the realm of “normal.” Just a shame for DC to become a quitter at a critical moment in life for college. I just am concerned that DC will live to regret it in a year and a half when friends are applying and getting into college and DC has literally nothing to show personal growth or academic achievement. If they were younger I could insist they go to sports or activities, but now they need to show their own initiative. I am also getting next to no support from DH who also seems ambivalent and won’t take a role or stand and seems to ignore the whole situation. Less activities means the less DH needs to do also.

DC has struggled with anxiety and also some oppositional issues, so perhaps this is yet another way to get control. But the gaming has become a problem and huge time suck.

This will sound a bit mean, and I apologize for that up front, but gotta be direct with you: You sound much less worried about the mental health of your child than you are that crew and other commitments will mess up their college future. Which means you seem not to understand that if your child's going through mental health challenges, they're not going to do well in college anyway because they are struggling with things day to day, possibly even struggling minute to minute.

Get over your extreme focus on college and focus on your child in this immediate moment, do the work to talk to them openly (and NOT judgementally, like "get back up at 4:00am every day or you'll never get into college and will regret this the rest of your life"). Turn off the screaming alarms in your head that you won't be proud of your kid or that your kid will fail, and maybe be quiet and ask sincere curious questions about what DC is feeling, why they are refusing to go to school or do sports, what are they feeling? Ask if they're struggling and what would help them. Maybe start up front with acknowledging that maybe you didn't give them a chance or space to talk about how they are really feeling, maybe you didn't ask enough questions. Maybe start there and see if you get different responses.

And talk to their school counselor about the issues and ask for advice, and switch therapists or maybe get your own and find out what you may be doing that is making the situation worse instead of better. Own that as parents we are human, your approach may have been more pressure and oppression instead of liberating and empowering, and you get to try a reset. You must try a reset.

I disagree with you a bit and also disagree with the OPs approach. While I 100% agree with a teen having choice, I think you have to make a as-long-as-you-live-here-rent-free then X and Y must be done.

I've told my teen this. Look, you want freedom to play games? Great you need to actually study and attempt to get Bs and As. Cs appear and we have problems.

Also you need to pick X and Y to try something new. To earn time to play Z.

+1000

NP here. Teens need limits, boundaries, and guidance. Letting a teen "liberate" and "empower" themselves is a one-way ticket to screen addiction, as we see in the OP.

Also, PP, your post is insanely judgy. You are doing Olympic-level mental gymnastics if you're gleaning from OP's post that they have
"screaming alarms in your head that you won't be proud of your kid or that your kid will fail" -- the OP is worried about depression and screen addiction! This is definitely something to be serious about. Not to also mention that the OP never said anything in their post that hinted that they never gave their kid "a chance or space to talk about how they are really feeling."

And the extreme comment that "if your child's going through mental health challenges, they're not going to do well in college anyway because they are struggling with things day to day, possibly even struggling minute to minute" is a textbook example of black-and-white thinking.

Honestly, PP with the mean and judgmental post -- you need A LOT of therapy to work through whatever issues you clearly have with your helicopter parents that make you so triggered, judgmental, and offended at OP's (very reasonable IMO) post. You need CBT therapy to deal with the black-and-white, no middle ground nature of your beliefs on parenting. And you need a DBT program to stop projecting all of your issues on an anonymous poster.

Seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the suggestions, and I am glad to hear this isn’t completely out of the realm of “normal.” Just a shame for DC to become a quitter at a critical moment in life for college. I just am concerned that DC will live to regret it in a year and a half when friends are applying and getting into college and DC has literally nothing to show personal growth or academic achievement. If they were younger I could insist they go to sports or activities, but now they need to show their own initiative. I am also getting next to no support from DH who also seems ambivalent and won’t take a role or stand and seems to ignore the whole situation. Less activities means the less DH needs to do also.

DC has struggled with anxiety and also some oppositional issues, so perhaps this is yet another way to get control. But the gaming has become a problem and huge time suck.

This will sound a bit mean, and I apologize for that up front, but gotta be direct with you: You sound much less worried about the mental health of your child than you are that crew and other commitments will mess up their college future. Which means you seem not to understand that if your child's going through mental health challenges, they're not going to do well in college anyway because they are struggling with things day to day, possibly even struggling minute to minute.

Get over your extreme focus on college and focus on your child in this immediate moment, do the work to talk to them openly (and NOT judgementally, like "get back up at 4:00am every day or you'll never get into college and will regret this the rest of your life"). Turn off the screaming alarms in your head that you won't be proud of your kid or that your kid will fail, and maybe be quiet and ask sincere curious questions about what DC is feeling, why they are refusing to go to school or do sports, what are they feeling? Ask if they're struggling and what would help them. Maybe start up front with acknowledging that maybe you didn't give them a chance or space to talk about how they are really feeling, maybe you didn't ask enough questions. Maybe start there and see if you get different responses.

And talk to their school counselor about the issues and ask for advice, and switch therapists or maybe get your own and find out what you may be doing that is making the situation worse instead of better. Own that as parents we are human, your approach may have been more pressure and oppression instead of liberating and empowering, and you get to try a reset. You must try a reset.

I disagree with you a bit and also disagree with the OPs approach. While I 100% agree with a teen having choice, I think you have to make a as-long-as-you-live-here-rent-free then X and Y must be done.

I've told my teen this. Look, you want freedom to play games? Great you need to actually study and attempt to get Bs and As. Cs appear and we have problems.

Also you need to pick X and Y to try something new. To earn time to play Z.

+1000

NP here. Teens need limits, boundaries, and guidance. Letting a teen "liberate" and "empower" themselves is a one-way ticket to screen addiction, as we see in the OP.

Also, PP, your post is insanely judgy. You are doing Olympic-level mental gymnastics if you're gleaning from OP's post that they have
"screaming alarms in your head that you won't be proud of your kid or that your kid will fail" -- the OP is worried about depression and screen addiction! This is definitely something to be serious about. Not to also mention that the OP never said anything in their post that hinted that they never gave their kid "a chance or space to talk about how they are really feeling."

And the extreme comment that "if your child's going through mental health challenges, they're not going to do well in college anyway because they are struggling with things day to day, possibly even struggling minute to minute" is a textbook example of black-and-white thinking.

Honestly, PP with the mean and judgmental post -- you need A LOT of therapy to work through whatever issues you clearly have with your helicopter parents that make you so triggered, judgmental, and offended at OP's (very reasonable IMO) post. You need CBT therapy to deal with the black-and-white, no middle ground nature of your beliefs on parenting. And you need a DBT program to stop projecting all of your issues on an anonymous poster.

Seek help.

Also wanted to add -- having expectations for your kid like play the cello, row crew, do Boy Scouts, etc. is not "pressure and oppression." That's an extreme misuse of the word "oppression." Jim Crow and redlining are oppression. Not expecting your kid to be an involved teen

[Anonymous]

He was completely overextended and burned out. I don't blame him.

[Anonymous]

My best guess is that they are smoking pot now. It’s a motivation killer.

But also this is the risk of burn out. Teens who do “too much” are also prone to quitting and doing nothing, bc the motivation in doing all of those things for years was not personal interest, it was usually parent driven, and 15 is an age with a lot of developmental pushback and seeking independence. If they didn’t have agency or felt they did with previous activities they may reject all auggestions from parents. I suggest a period of backing off in this case

[Anonymous]

Have you considered he may be getting into drinking or drugs? The sudden loss of activities and poor grades makes me wonder. Could he be using pot?