Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Anonymous]

Raising children is temporary. Your career will be there when you go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Raising children is temporary. Your career will be there when you go back.

What aspect of it is temporary? Raising children is an 18 year endeavor, literally. Your career will not be there if you leave it for 18 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m at the beginning of the having kids phase of life, and I’d really love to be a SAHM for the first 2-3 years of each kids life. However, having multiple kids it would mean I’m out of the workforce for 6-9 years.

I’d hate to shoot myself and my career in the foot trying to return with more than half a decade gap in my resume. I’m not particularly career driven, but I like my job and would like to return to it in the future once my kids are in school or at least prek.

What are the options? Work and send my kids to daycare in order to keep a foot in the door? Take a leap of faith and quit not knowing how hard it’ll be to come back?

Feeling frustrated the way our society sets up mothers. It feels like the only way is to either work during the infant/baby/toddler years or quit and SAHM and never return to your career.

Feeling jealous of other countries that give 1.5-3 years of protected time off from the workforce.

Split the time with your husband. Then it’s fair and equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Raising children is temporary. Your career will be there when you go back.

Hahahahahaha!

No it won’t. You will regret that decision for the rest of your career - at least that’s what my mom always told me. Don’t drop out you will always be behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many factors:
1 Keep commute short. Yes, that may mean living in the city.
2 Nursery school, day care, pediatrician in walking distance.
3 Establish a strong career and network before kids
4 Have more childcare than the minimum you need. Do not count childcare solely against your earnings in a two parent home. Also it is an investment in having your career later, not just this year.
6 Have work you like, you won’t want to leave your kids for less.

I used full-time and part-time in-home care but today I would choose day care. I worked part-time til only child was 3. I went out on my own when she was 8 and had maximal flexibility. I made more money than I would have made working for anyone and she got to go to private college and grad school loan-free. Also my husband got to have a financial partner and cushion rather than financial stress and pressure.

This has been important for us. The financial health of the family resting on one person’s shoulders is too much, IMO.

+1
Especially now that layoffs are so common

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m at the beginning of the having kids phase of life, and I’d really love to be a SAHM for the first 2-3 years of each kids life. However, having multiple kids it would mean I’m out of the workforce for 6-9 years.

I’d hate to shoot myself and my career in the foot trying to return with more than half a decade gap in my resume. I’m not particularly career driven, but I like my job and would like to return to it in the future once my kids are in school or at least prek.

What are the options? Work and send my kids to daycare in order to keep a foot in the door? Take a leap of faith and quit not knowing how hard it’ll be to come back?

Feeling frustrated the way our society sets up mothers. It feels like the only way is to either work during the infant/baby/toddler years or quit and SAHM and never return to your career.

Feeling jealous of other countries that give 1.5-3 years of protected time off from the workforce.

You just described sexism and patriarchy in 2025 perfectly! It is so unfair.

You mean she proliferates the sexism by not turning to her husband and asking why he doesn’t have this problem or if he wants both of them to go part time to ensure the kid has someone at home. If women view this as a women’s problem rather than a family problem than women are just as sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part time is the way if at all possible.

Wrong. Two people fully flexible is the way to go. We both go to the office (or not), leave early to pick kids up (or not), and make sure someone is always available. In our line of work part time means half pay but full workload. I tell my staff to flex it and make things happen but make sure they get paid for all their work - we all know the women who went part time, still work FT, are paid less, and stunt their careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we need to know more about your industry/job to answer this question. If you're a teacher? Absolutely no problem to take a decade off to raise children and then come back. If you're a software engineer? Nearly impossible. In between? It depends.

The other thing is child spacing. If you're going to work, it makes sense to spread them out a bit, not pay for daycare for two (or three!) for long if possible. But if you want to be a SAHM and you want three kids (you said 2-3 years per kid, 6-9 years total, sounds like three kids to me) I think you may want to consider shorter spacing (<2 years between kids) so you can get back to your career in closer to 5 years rather than closer to 10. Alternatively, you could spread them out. Spend 2 years home with kid #1, go back to work for a couple years, then stay home with kid #2... a four year (or more) gap between kids makes this doable. Something to consider.

Again, depending on industry, you may be able to keep your foot in the door in a variety of ways. Can you consult 5-10 hours a week? Can you attend industry events? Do continuing education stuff? Keep your network up and running? I think most (but not all!) careers have a way to do this, but we really need more info about your job to help you out.

Also - do you know of anyone in your industry who's taken even 2-3 years off when having kids? Worth talking to them, getting their experience. And if the answer is "no," well, that might tell you something.

+1 I was a teacher and took practically 10 years off! I got hired immediately but so much had changed so it was a rough transition back. Also, SAHM life is VERY hard at times, no break, no money, and 0-4 years old it's really all consuming/ causes marriage issues!

[Anonymous]

Also, as much as it really is great to SAHM, it's really really hard to get back to work. The women who have continued working do not understand your choice to stay home and some will even belittle you in some ways if they find out. After staying home, I've found that a lot of working mom are really angry and just stressed bc it's an impossible load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, as much as it really is great to SAHM, it's really really hard to get back to work. The women who have continued working do not understand your choice to stay home and some will even belittle you in some ways if they find out. After staying home, I've found that a lot of working mom are really angry and just stressed bc it's an impossible load.

It is an impossible load! The women who are truly successful at it have full time partners and fathers who carry half the weight! Unless women expect that as the norm, they will continue to have this problem. I’m the one above with the mom who regretted dropping out. When I was looking to get married I made it very clear this was my expectation - reading these forms made me so glad I did. I tell my daughters the same. Two fully engaged parents is better than one. Plus we have enough money to outsource all the crappy jobs, like cleaning and lawn care. When they were babies we also had a full time nanny.

[Anonymous]

Move to the Netherlands. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move to the Netherlands. Seriously.

Do not do this! It’s horrible! I lived there for the birth of my daughter and the sexism there is just as bad or worse. The consultation bureau (because you cannot take your kid to a pediatrician) is only open limited hours. They expect the mom to be available all the time and you will get snippy sexist remarks about how good moms stay home - which they are very direct about. All problems with the kids are the mom’s fault (never the fathers). And daycare - subpar and sponsored by the government- why would you want something good(?) everyone has this. If you are lucky you can only get 2 half days a week after being on the list for a year- because if the mom works - she is expected to go part time. Meanwhile fathers get every other Friday off to spend with their kids society can hail them as superheroes. It’s totally nuts - sexism - it’s just they do it differently. As least I’m used to the sexism here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you like your job and would want to go back, do not quit.

- A SAHM.

+1

I quit to be a stay at home mom 16 years ago. Even if I wanted to go back, I could never go back to my career. I work in a completely different field now, put my salary is very low and it’s not intellectually stimulating.

On the absolutely positive side, I would do it again. I was lucky to be present for my kids (and husband), their school events before and after school and my life is not stressful. I have the perfect work life balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you like your job and would want to go back, do not quit.

- A SAHM.

+1

I quit to be a stay at home mom 16 years ago. Even if I wanted to go back, I could never go back to my career. I work in a completely different field now, put my salary is very low and it’s not intellectually stimulating.

On the absolutely positive side, I would do it again. I was lucky to be present for my kids (and husband), their school events before and after school and my life is not stressful. I have the perfect work life balance.

You have the perfect “life balance” for you - not work life balance - you sacrificed your career. And it sounds like the sacrifice worked for you. It doesn’t for everyone and many people want more from life - like a tangible contribution other than reproduction. Men are expected to reproduce and make a contribution; women are second fiddle and only good for their uterus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move to the Netherlands. Seriously.

Do not do this! It’s horrible! I lived there for the birth of my daughter and the sexism there is just as bad or worse. The consultation bureau (because you cannot take your kid to a pediatrician) is only open limited hours. They expect the mom to be available all the time and you will get snippy sexist remarks about how good moms stay home - which they are very direct about. All problems with the kids are the mom’s fault (never the fathers). And daycare - subpar and sponsored by the government- why would you want something good(?) everyone has this. If you are lucky you can only get 2 half days a week after being on the list for a year- because if the mom works - she is expected to go part time. Meanwhile fathers get every other Friday off to spend with their kids society can hail them as superheroes. It’s totally nuts - sexism - it’s just they do it differently. As least I’m used to the sexism here.

Yeah, we lived overseas in a compound with German and French families and the women complained intensely about this sort of thing.