WWYD: situation with nephew and his parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not what you asked, but your brother sounds like a controlling dick. Ignore. Your nephew is an adult man.

This was a wrong forum for OP to ask this question. The answers do not work for SA or their family structures.

Isn’t the 28 year old living here? Would you say the same thing about caste discrimination, which does survive here in the US? These cultural behaviors are not necessarily received here as quaint features immersed in the shibboleths of diversity.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not what you asked, but your brother sounds like a controlling dick. Ignore. Your nephew is an adult man.

This was a wrong forum for OP to ask this question. The answers do not work for SA or their family structures.

Isn’t the 28 year old living here? Would you say the same thing about caste discrimination, which does survive here in the US? These cultural behaviors are not necessarily received here as quaint features immersed in the shibboleths of diversity.?

+1
No shakira law here tyvm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the helpful suggestions! I will definitely communicate with my nephew about his parents, though I don’t think their attitude will be a surprise. We have space so I like the suggestion of having 2 rooms and letting them decide. I have been working on standing up to my brother and being more assertive, but it’s been a lifetime of listening to him as the baby sister so old habits die hard.

Hmmm...sounds like you want to create a rift between the father and son, instead of being a peacemaker. It seems like you are enjoying the idea of reminding your nephew how regressive your brother's thinking is.

What will you achieve by rubbing your nephew's face with this info? Do you like the idea that your nephew and your brother may have a falling out because of this?

Her brother is asking her to impose his rules on his son. If he can’t work it out with his son on his own, that’s not OP’s problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the helpful suggestions! I will definitely communicate with my nephew about his parents, though I don’t think their attitude will be a surprise. We have space so I like the suggestion of having 2 rooms and letting them decide. I have been working on standing up to my brother and being more assertive, but it’s been a lifetime of listening to him as the baby sister so old habits die hard.

Hmmm...sounds like you want to create a rift between the father and son, instead of being a peacemaker. It seems like you are enjoying the idea of reminding your nephew how regressive your brother's thinking is.

What will you achieve by rubbing your nephew's face with this info? Do you like the idea that your nephew and your brother may have a falling out because of this?

Her brother is asking her to impose his rules on his son. If he can’t work it out with his son on his own, that’s not OP’s problem.

He should not be trying to control his son at 28 either. That’s some third world machismo shit. Believe I come from this sort of culture.

[Anonymous]

Give them separate sleeping places. Don't watch too carefully.

[Anonymous]

If I could not just ignore my brother, then I would just tell him, “yes, we have two rooms that will be ready for them” and then move to another subject. But really, I cannot imagine staying on the phone (or bothering to answer) when someone like this called me. You can talk to him in a few weeks. Your brother presumably doesn’t even celebrate thanksgiving so you don’t need to call him that weekend.

[Anonymous]

While I understand you come from a SA culture, and your brother still lives in the home country, the reality is that YOU live in the US, and your nephew and his girlfriend also live in the US. You can use whichever culture's norms work for you while you're in the US. I can't tell you what to do bc I don't know the specific dynamics between you and your brother. But I can tell you that people who don't live in my house, don't get to tell me how to run my home. I will do whatever I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your nephew is 28 years old! Your house, your rules. Your brother sounds ridiculous.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the helpful suggestions! I will definitely communicate with my nephew about his parents, though I don’t think their attitude will be a surprise. We have space so I like the suggestion of having 2 rooms and letting them decide. I have been working on standing up to my brother and being more assertive, but it’s been a lifetime of listening to him as the baby sister so old habits die hard.

Hmmm...sounds like you want to create a rift between the father and son, instead of being a peacemaker. It seems like you are enjoying the idea of reminding your nephew how regressive your brother's thinking is.

What will you achieve by rubbing your nephew's face with this info? Do you like the idea that your nephew and your brother may have a falling out because of this?

Her brother is asking her to impose his rules on his son. If he can’t work it out with his son on his own, that’s not OP’s problem.

She can be neutral like Switzerland. Provide two rooms and let the young couple decide. No need to do postmortem of what her brother said or be involved in what her nephew wants. Why does she want to be like a dog shoving its snout up every ass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I understand you come from a SA culture, and your brother still lives in the home country, the reality is that YOU live in the US, and your nephew and his girlfriend also live in the US. You can use whichever culture's norms work for you while you're in the US. I can't tell you what to do bc I don't know the specific dynamics between you and your brother. But I can tell you that people who don't live in my house, don't get to tell me how to run my home. I will do whatever I want.

OP wrote in the very first post that her brother and SIL live in Europe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I understand you come from a SA culture, and your brother still lives in the home country, the reality is that YOU live in the US, and your nephew and his girlfriend also live in the US. You can use whichever culture's norms work for you while you're in the US. I can't tell you what to do bc I don't know the specific dynamics between you and your brother. But I can tell you that people who don't live in my house, don't get to tell me how to run my home. I will do whatever I want.

But, you are not from SA culture because you would not care to host your 28 yr old nephew and his gf. So your 2 cents may not be as relevant for OP as you think. Of course, I am stereotyping your culture and a family-centric conservative SA culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the helpful suggestions! I will definitely communicate with my nephew about his parents, though I don’t think their attitude will be a surprise. We have space so I like the suggestion of having 2 rooms and letting them decide. I have been working on standing up to my brother and being more assertive, but it’s been a lifetime of listening to him as the baby sister so old habits die hard.

Hmmm...sounds like you want to create a rift between the father and son, instead of being a peacemaker. It seems like you are enjoying the idea of reminding your nephew how regressive your brother's thinking is.

What will you achieve by rubbing your nephew's face with this info? Do you like the idea that your nephew and your brother may have a falling out because of this?

Her brother is asking her to impose his rules on his son. If he can’t work it out with his son on his own, that’s not OP’s problem.

He should not be trying to control his son at 28 either. That’s some third world machismo shit. Believe I come from this sort of culture.

Yes. Elderly brother is out of line as far as his sister and his son is concerned. BUT, the best route for OP is to basically go the neutral route, not bad mouth or tattletale on her brother, not raise this topic and make it awkward for the young couple, and not discuss this anymore. Provide two rooms and tell the couple to figure out what works best for them. That's it.

Does she need to go the nuclear option on her family like other dysfunction posters here? What will she gain out of her involvement.

No one thinks that the 28 yr old is not sleeping with his GF, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I understand you come from a SA culture, and your brother still lives in the home country, the reality is that YOU live in the US, and your nephew and his girlfriend also live in the US. You can use whichever culture's norms work for you while you're in the US. I can't tell you what to do bc I don't know the specific dynamics between you and your brother. But I can tell you that people who don't live in my house, don't get to tell me how to run my home. I will do whatever I want.

Are you OP? Of course not!

Your thoughts and how you think immigrants like OP should conduct their personal life is not relevant for this exercise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not what you asked, but your brother sounds like a controlling dick. Ignore. Your nephew is an adult man.

This was a wrong forum for OP to ask this question. The answers do not work for SA or their family structures.

Isn’t the 28 year old living here? Would you say the same thing about caste discrimination, which does survive here in the US? These cultural behaviors are not necessarily received here as quaint features immersed in the shibboleths of diversity.?

Huh? America does not have a caste problem. It has a race and slavery problem. Thank you very much.

Are you OK with pussy grabbing, rape, anal sex and trafficking minors? That seems to be more mainstream cultural common sexual behavior as shown by powerful WASP men of this country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I understand you come from a SA culture, and your brother still lives in the home country, the reality is that YOU live in the US, and your nephew and his girlfriend also live in the US. You can use whichever culture's norms work for you while you're in the US. I can't tell you what to do bc I don't know the specific dynamics between you and your brother. But I can tell you that people who don't live in my house, don't get to tell me how to run my home. I will do whatever I want.

But, you are not from SA culture because you would not care to host your 28 yr old nephew and his gf. So your 2 cents may not be as relevant for OP as you think. Of course, I am stereotyping your culture and a family-centric conservative SA culture.

What makes you think I wouldn't host my nephew and his girlfriend? I am not sure what culture you think I come from (beyond American), but I absolutely would. I would LOVE to get to know my nephews love interest. I'm always happy to be included in my nieces and nephews lives.