Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?

[Anonymous]

I wonder If she has something going on and you aren’t close enough that she wants to talk about it. But she also doesn’t have the bandwidth to hang out.

I had a mom friend I was hanging out w a lot- like what you describe. She sort of ghosted me and I found out she has a somewhat serious personal issue going on. I’m not taking it personally.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss! I feel for you and wish you well. One day you will find your people!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder If she has something going on and you aren’t close enough that she wants to talk about it. But she also doesn’t have the bandwidth to hang out.

I had a mom friend I was hanging out w a lot- like what you describe. She sort of ghosted me and I found out she has a somewhat serious personal issue going on. I’m not taking it personally.

The bolder was my initial thought, but she has the bandwidth to hang out with the other family and told OP about it (which seems super tacky IMO)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her friend got jealous. I see that a lot. She doesn't want to navigate it so she's just pulling back.

It's why people say women are crazy. I come from a male dominated family (7 boys and me) and I really don't get it or get into it so I just move on.

I am a “guy-like” woman. I only hang out with women like me (who have brothers, etc). In HS if someone thought I was needy, they would pull back. It’s actually a bit cruel. They do this on purpose

That said, sometimes I don’t understand men either — some act off too! hahahah hahahaha

Caring less: it’s easier said than done! Those people seem super happy though. Many are wildly successful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple years ago, I made a new friend (middle-school DDs are same age though not friends, but no drama either). Shared interests, husbands compatible, etc. A unicorn.

We'd text often, swap memes, things felt easy. We'd meet up for dinner, occasionally get together as a couple, and she opened up to me a lot about some prior life history (a prior divorce, etc). It felt like we were close. I had a bit of the typical "do I reach out?" nervousness but usually got over it. As recently as last month, went out to dinner as couples, and had a drink a couple weeks ago. This woman has a longtime best friend, also at our school, and their families are super tight. It's clear that this family is her go-to and they do a lot together. Just for context.

Over the past couple weeks, it's been a weird dynamic shift. I send texts and get one-word or kind of dismissive replies. Sent memes and rarely get one back (I know that sounds silly, but it's an energy shift). I asked what she was up to this weekend and if we could grab a yoga session soon (we both are in the same gym) and she sent me a text about how she was so excited to be going on a getaway with this other family...and didn't ask what we were up to, and didn't respond to the hangout. Basically that ended the back and forth.

I AM 43. I am tired. I feel like I am playing games waiting for someone to reciprocate. More than anything, I wonder what the heck happened. So I just didn't respond to the text and decided to pull back...? I guess? I'm feeling sad about this, and then feeling silly because I'm an adult, but it still feels crappy, and I don't understand what happened and I guess I just wonder if anyone else out there in DCUM land has been in this situation and can offer insight on what is up. And it doesn't have to do with our kids, who rarely cross paths at their rather large middle school.

btw, as a lady in her 40s I have had similar experiences. I like making new friends. Sometimes what you describe happens I started calling them “break ups” in my head

It allowed me to mourn it a little bc it’s socially acceptable — and everyone give hugs / gives love to a lady who just broke up with her boyfriend. What’s the difference ? not much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound too needy OP

This is not true.

This is someone else. I am needy. Once I realized this it helped me a ton.

needy is internal as well (ie interpretations) it’s NOT just how one deals with others.

For me, it had to do with my childhood, etc. It’s okay to have some traits like this, for me recognizing it was very useful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple years ago, I made a new friend (middle-school DDs are same age though not friends, but no drama either). Shared interests, husbands compatible, etc. A unicorn.

We'd text often, swap memes, things felt easy. We'd meet up for dinner, occasionally get together as a couple, and she opened up to me a lot about some prior life history (a prior divorce, etc). It felt like we were close. I had a bit of the typical "do I reach out?" nervousness but usually got over it. As recently as last month, went out to dinner as couples, and had a drink a couple weeks ago. This woman has a longtime best friend, also at our school, and their families are super tight. It's clear that this family is her go-to and they do a lot together. Just for context.

Over the past couple weeks, it's been a weird dynamic shift. I send texts and get one-word or kind of dismissive replies. Sent memes and rarely get one back (I know that sounds silly, but it's an energy shift). I asked what she was up to this weekend and if we could grab a yoga session soon (we both are in the same gym) and she sent me a text about how she was so excited to be going on a getaway with this other family...and didn't ask what we were up to, and didn't respond to the hangout. Basically that ended the back and forth.

I AM 43. I am tired. I feel like I am playing games waiting for someone to reciprocate. More than anything, I wonder what the heck happened. So I just didn't respond to the text and decided to pull back...? I guess? I'm feeling sad about this, and then feeling silly because I'm an adult, but it still feels crappy, and I don't understand what happened and I guess I just wonder if anyone else out there in DCUM land has been in this situation and can offer insight on what is up. And it doesn't have to do with our kids, who rarely cross paths at their rather large middle school.

What kind of interests?

How difficult are the husband personalities?

If the interests are tennis and the husbands watch football, I’d get out there are find different friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the other friend being jealous makes sense.

No. Grown women don’t get jealous over acquaintances.

Yes they do especially long term friends and sister who feel they are being replaced.

[Anonymous]

OP never responded about what kind of content she was sending this friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound too needy OP

This is not true.

I agree with the PP I can’t believe how many times OP has sent things with no response. And she continues doing it. I’d have that “friend” on mute in two seconds.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the DMV is the only place I’ve ever known where people wanting to connect with you/spend time with you is seen as an offense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound too needy OP

This is not true.

I agree with the PP I can’t believe how many times OP has sent things with no response. And she continues doing it. I’d have that “friend” on mute in two seconds.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the DMV is the only place I’ve ever known where people wanting to connect with you/spend time with you is seen as an offense.

Want to connect is ok. But an insistent want is seen as a demand. The DMV is full of people juggling too many things. People are failing to meet demands at work and at home. They don’t need people who give them more demands they can’t meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound too needy OP

This is not true.

I agree with the PP I can’t believe how many times OP has sent things with no response. And she continues doing it. I’d have that “friend” on mute in two seconds.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the DMV is the only place I’ve ever known where people wanting to connect with you/spend time with you is seen as an offense.

Want to connect is ok. But an insistent want is seen as a demand. The DMV is full of people juggling too many things. People are failing to meet demands at work and at home. They don’t need people who give them more demands they can’t meet.

So use your effing words. “Susie, I’m swamped at work but will resurface in a few weeks. Let’s touch base then about getting together! Xo”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound too needy OP

This is not true.

I agree with the PP I can’t believe how many times OP has sent things with no response. And she continues doing it. I’d have that “friend” on mute in two seconds.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the DMV is the only place I’ve ever known where people wanting to connect with you/spend time with you is seen as an offense.

Want to connect is ok. But an insistent want is seen as a demand. The DMV is full of people juggling too many things. People are failing to meet demands at work and at home. They don’t need people who give them more demands they can’t meet.

So use your effing words. “Susie, I’m swamped at work but will resurface in a few weeks. Let’s touch base then about getting together! Xo”

Why do you care? You’re clearly too needy and demanding to be friends with them. The DMV is full of busy people who don’t get mad at others for having bigger priorities. Sometimes people have exceptionally big priorities. They’re not spending their time responding to every text.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Adult friendships can be really confusing sometimes. Rather than wonder what's going on with her or distance yourself from the friendship, I would suggest gently trying to find out what's going on in the friendship with a text message that expresses your concern that things aren't as close as they used to be.

I would suggest in a few weeks texting something along the lines of: Hey, I've been thinking about you and noticing lately we haven't been texting as much as we used to. I just wanted to check in--is everything okay? I know things can come up so I'm happy to be a listening ear or support you in any way. If not, and things have just gotten busy for you--no worries. I will look forward to re-connecting when you are able to. If you have time to meet up for coffee in the next few weeks that would be great! I'm generally free Saturday mornings. Hope to connect with you soon!

I think the important thing here is that you don't want to distance yourself from the friendship too early without checking in with your friend. Checking in gives you important information. If she doesn't respond to your text, no answer is also an answer. If that happens I would probably match the energy she is putting in and focus my time on other friendships.

I also have a question: I have heard other women talking about sending each other memes by text. What is this all about? I have never sent a meme to anyone nor received a text meme, so I'm curious about that. What is the point of doing that? When I text friends/acquaintances I like to have actual conversations by text, so I'm wondering what's the point of sending memes? I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

I try to read the cues and match people's energy and interest. So, right now it sounds like her cues would suggest backing away some. Wait longer to textback and keep it briefer. She may cycle back to wanting to be closer, but if you keep trying to get the closeness back it won't work.

I used to get more offended, but I notice I ebb and flow with people too. Sometimes it's just a matter of one friend relates so well to my current stressors, so we become closer supporting eachother. I am overwhelmed so much these days that I can go only give so much energy to people, but I still value the friendships with those where we are in an eb period. Give it time and don't take it personally. She will most likely flow back and it may just be during a time when you need your other friends more.