AITA Birthday edition

[Anonymous]

This is depressing. Reminds me of planning my milestone birthday trip with my now ex-husband. He picked the destination, one I'm not that interested in, and then insisted we get lavish accommodations that I didn't want to spend money on, nominally "for me."

We broke up before the birthday, the trip he wanted was cancelled, and I took my kids to Disney and stayed in dirt-cheap accommodations. And I was so happy.

Controlling narcs have a way of seeming like the good guy because they're doing something that's objectively "nice", and it's easy to get caught up in it. The key is: it's not nice or loving to give your partner something they don't actually want, and to ignore what they say they do want. Even if what the narc prefers to give them is "better."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is depressing. Reminds me of planning my milestone birthday trip with my now ex-husband. He picked the destination, one I'm not that interested in, and then insisted we get lavish accommodations that I didn't want to spend money on, nominally "for me."

We broke up before the birthday, the trip he wanted was cancelled, and I took my kids to Disney and stayed in dirt-cheap accommodations. And I was so happy.

Controlling narcs have a way of seeming like the good guy because they're doing something that's objectively "nice", and it's easy to get caught up in it. The key is: it's not nice or loving to give your partner something they don't actually want, and to ignore what they say they do want. Even if what the narc prefers to give them is "better."

DH: makes reservations for dinner at DW’s favorite restaurant.

DCUM: You must divorce that controlling narcissist.

[Anonymous]

You could have my husband… who has never celebrated my birthday ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - not that this needed a follow up but I looked at the nice restaurant, made a reservation at 5 pm, we can do that and drop the kid off at sports. I will take myself on a date to the pizza place sometime this month. Thanks for all the feedback.

Clown

[Anonymous]

I find people like you so annoying, OP.

It's YOUR birthday. Why don't you say:

"On my birthday, we are going to X place for dinner at Y time and then on the weekend we'll do Z outing. I've already made the reservations and bought the tickets."

That's what I do. Why do you give other people power over you and allow them to mess up something you could have so easily done yourself?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find people like you so annoying, OP.

It's YOUR birthday. Why don't you say:

"On my birthday, we are going to X place for dinner at Y time and then on the weekend we'll do Z outing. I've already made the reservations and bought the tickets."

That's what I do. Why do you give other people power over you and allow them to mess up something you could have so easily done yourself?!?

She did. She told him she wanted to do the dive pizza place. And then when he said that wasn't good enough, she picked another place. And he STILL decided he didn't want to listen to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people like you so annoying, OP.

It's YOUR birthday. Why don't you say:

"On my birthday, we are going to X place for dinner at Y time and then on the weekend we'll do Z outing. I've already made the reservations and bought the tickets."

That's what I do. Why do you give other people power over you and allow them to mess up something you could have so easily done yourself?!?

She did. She told him she wanted to do the dive pizza place. And then when he said that wasn't good enough, she picked another place. And he STILL decided he didn't want to listen to her.

PP you responded to. No, she did not insist on what she wanted and she didn't say "make reservations for X, because that's where I want to go" (or better yet, call herself). Sometimes you need to do that. The husband is not at fault for wanting something "nicer" for his wife's birthday. My husband has made the same comment, and I have made similar comments to him, when he picks something low-key for his birthday - it's a phrase that is meant to convey respect for the other. OP is annoying because she's not being crystal clear. You can't expect your spouse to read your mind. If you two suggest different things, and one makes a reservation and the other doesn't, how is anyone to know that the one who did not act actually cared more? See what I mean? OP forced her husband to pick because she did not make her wishes clear, and did not act to make them happen.

This is a communication failure on OP's part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH: asks DW where she wants to go, then says it’s not good enough, so she chooses something else, then overrides her decision by making his own choice. For her birthday.

[Anonymous]

Go on the weekend and do pizza take out in the night of your actual birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - not that this needed a follow up but I looked at the nice restaurant, made a reservation at 5 pm, we can do that and drop the kid off at sports. I will take myself on a date to the pizza place sometime this month. Thanks for all the feedback.

Good job OP. I’m sorry people are being annoying. I would definitely rather do nothing for my birthday than go out at 8:45. It doesn’t sound like you threw a fit, just politely expressed your preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - not that this needed a follow up but I looked at the nice restaurant, made a reservation at 5 pm, we can do that and drop the kid off at sports. I will take myself on a date to the pizza place sometime this month. Thanks for all the feedback.

Good job OP. I’m sorry people are being annoying. I would definitely rather do nothing for my birthday than go out at 8:45. It doesn’t sound like you threw a fit, just politely expressed your preferences.

OP here - appreciate the support. Have enjoyed the discourse here mostly. Looking forward to a fun birthday week!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people like you so annoying, OP.

It's YOUR birthday. Why don't you say:

"On my birthday, we are going to X place for dinner at Y time and then on the weekend we'll do Z outing. I've already made the reservations and bought the tickets."

That's what I do. Why do you give other people power over you and allow them to mess up something you could have so easily done yourself?!?

She did. She told him she wanted to do the dive pizza place. And then when he said that wasn't good enough, she picked another place. And he STILL decided he didn't want to listen to her.

PP you responded to. No, she did not insist on what she wanted and she didn't say "make reservations for X, because that's where I want to go" (or better yet, call herself). Sometimes you need to do that. The husband is not at fault for wanting something "nicer" for his wife's birthday. My husband has made the same comment, and I have made similar comments to him, when he picks something low-key for his birthday - it's a phrase that is meant to convey respect for the other. OP is annoying because she's not being crystal clear. You can't expect your spouse to read your mind. If you two suggest different things, and one makes a reservation and the other doesn't, how is anyone to know that the one who did not act actually cared more? See what I mean? OP forced her husband to pick because she did not make her wishes clear, and did not act to make them happen.

This is a communication failure on OP's part.

It's pretty pathetic that you have to be that clear with your husband for it not to be considered a communication fail. If I tell DH "hey I want to go to X for my bday" he makes plans for X because he actually respects me and cares about what I want. Having to insist on something or make all the plans so that your husband actually listens to you is pretty miserable. Respect is listening to what your spouse wants, not trying to convince them otherwise or make them take total control of the situation to get what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people like you so annoying, OP.

It's YOUR birthday. Why don't you say:

"On my birthday, we are going to X place for dinner at Y time and then on the weekend we'll do Z outing. I've already made the reservations and bought the tickets."

That's what I do. Why do you give other people power over you and allow them to mess up something you could have so easily done yourself?!?

She did. She told him she wanted to do the dive pizza place. And then when he said that wasn't good enough, she picked another place. And he STILL decided he didn't want to listen to her.

PP you responded to. No, she did not insist on what she wanted and she didn't say "make reservations for X, because that's where I want to go" (or better yet, call herself). Sometimes you need to do that. The husband is not at fault for wanting something "nicer" for his wife's birthday. My husband has made the same comment, and I have made similar comments to him, when he picks something low-key for his birthday - it's a phrase that is meant to convey respect for the other. OP is annoying because she's not being crystal clear. You can't expect your spouse to read your mind. If you two suggest different things, and one makes a reservation and the other doesn't, how is anyone to know that the one who did not act actually cared more? See what I mean? OP forced her husband to pick because she did not make her wishes clear, and did not act to make them happen.

This is a communication failure on OP's part.

The pizza place doesn’t take reservations, which has been repeatedly noted. This is a comprehension failure on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people like you so annoying, OP.

It's YOUR birthday. Why don't you say:

"On my birthday, we are going to X place for dinner at Y time and then on the weekend we'll do Z outing. I've already made the reservations and bought the tickets."

That's what I do. Why do you give other people power over you and allow them to mess up something you could have so easily done yourself?!?

She did. She told him she wanted to do the dive pizza place. And then when he said that wasn't good enough, she picked another place. And he STILL decided he didn't want to listen to her.

PP you responded to. No, she did not insist on what she wanted and she didn't say "make reservations for X, because that's where I want to go" (or better yet, call herself). Sometimes you need to do that. The husband is not at fault for wanting something "nicer" for his wife's birthday. My husband has made the same comment, and I have made similar comments to him, when he picks something low-key for his birthday - it's a phrase that is meant to convey respect for the other. OP is annoying because she's not being crystal clear. You can't expect your spouse to read your mind. If you two suggest different things, and one makes a reservation and the other doesn't, how is anyone to know that the one who did not act actually cared more? See what I mean? OP forced her husband to pick because she did not make her wishes clear, and did not act to make them happen.

This is a communication failure on OP's part.

The pizza place doesn’t take reservations, which has been repeatedly noted. This is a comprehension failure on your part.

Pp just wants to convince herself that it's a sign of respect that her husband doesn't listen to her and makes her plan everything if she actually wants to do what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you OP. But, how old are the kids and how would they be watched at an 8:45 dinner?

Here’s another perspective. YOLO. If you can get kid dropped off at home after practice and there’s a babysitter who will keep kids on track and in bed at a normal time- why not? It might be fun.
If you don’t have a sitter and your kids aren’t responsible enough to get themselves showered and in bed on their own (no judgment, one of mine is and one of mine isn’t), then I agree, not a good idea on a school night.

Do you people not read the actual OP or what? It gives the kid's (singular) age. 13