Thinking about Baby #4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

He does not want to be a father or parent to another child. Talking someone into parenting a child just sounds like a highly risky idea.

What does this discussion look like? Why should he reconsider parenting a special needs child, or twins?

A lot of people change their minds. My spouse did (not about #4, but I don’t think that matters).

In a relationship, both partners have needs and desires and they matter. If you have a burning desire to move back to your hometown, or take a job that would relocate your family…. That’s something you would discuss. No one is obligated to do what their partner wants, but I think being willing to hear the other person out (and in many cases, walking through the thought experiment) is part of the commitment you make when you marry or otherwise commit to someone.

Of course no one should be pressured to have a child they don’t want to have. I don’t think completely dismissing the partner who does want a child is a recipe for a happy marriage, either. Sure, that partner might reasonably “lose” the argument, but happy well adjusted couples talk about things openly and compassionately.

I understand what you're saying; it's reasonable.

I gathered that we are beyond the "what would it take for you to consider" phase when I read it's a "clear NO". That is my assumption OP would need to provide more details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t help but think about having a 4th almost everyday. Yes I am very grateful and blessed to have 3 healthy children and that I should be happy and move on but while I’m still in relatively in childbearing phase, I can’t help but think about it. My partner is a clear NO and everyone around me says NO which is also a bit frustrating to hear. I just don’t know if I should just work on ending this chapter and grieving that or just pursue it at some point?

Your partner or your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

He does not want to be a father or parent to another child. Talking someone into parenting a child just sounds like a highly risky idea.

What does this discussion look like? Why should he reconsider parenting a special needs child, or twins?

A lot of people change their minds. My spouse did (not about #4, but I don’t think that matters).

In a relationship, both partners have needs and desires and they matter. If you have a burning desire to move back to your hometown, or take a job that would relocate your family…. That’s something you would discuss. No one is obligated to do what their partner wants, but I think being willing to hear the other person out (and in many cases, walking through the thought experiment) is part of the commitment you make when you marry or otherwise commit to someone.

Of course no one should be pressured to have a child they don’t want to have. I don’t think completely dismissing the partner who does want a child is a recipe for a happy marriage, either. Sure, that partner might reasonably “lose” the argument, but happy well adjusted couples talk about things openly and compassionately.

I understand what you're saying; it's reasonable.

I gathered that we are beyond the "what would it take for you to consider" phase when I read it's a "clear NO". That is my assumption OP would need to provide more details.

That’s fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

"My partner is a clear NO"
"Let me brow beat him until he changes his mind"

Wtf. No one should be coerced into bringing a human being into the world. Please think about someone other than yourself for once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

"My partner is a clear NO"
"Let me brow beat him until he changes his mind"

Wtf. No one should be coerced into bringing a human being into the world. Please think about someone other than yourself for once.

Great selective reading, there. Love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

"My partner is a clear NO"
"Let me brow beat him until he changes his mind"

Wtf. No one should be coerced into bringing a human being into the world. Please think about someone other than yourself for once.

Great selective reading, there. Love it.

It's your words in black and white. Not much selection needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

"My partner is a clear NO"
"Let me brow beat him until he changes his mind"

Wtf. No one should be coerced into bringing a human being into the world. Please think about someone other than yourself for once.

Great selective reading, there. Love it.

It's your words in black and white. Not much selection needed.

That PP responded to this PP with:

"Of course no one should be pressured to have a child they don’t want to have."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

"My partner is a clear NO"
"Let me brow beat him until he changes his mind"

Wtf. No one should be coerced into bringing a human being into the world. Please think about someone other than yourself for once.

Great selective reading, there. Love it.

It's your words in black and white. Not much selection needed.

That PP responded to this PP with:

"Of course no one should be pressured to have a child they don’t want to have."

After being called out for their abhorrent post, sure. Their initial post was that you can and should try to convince them, even if they've already said no. Clearly no. That's wildly inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

"My partner is a clear NO"
"Let me brow beat him until he changes his mind"

Wtf. No one should be coerced into bringing a human being into the world. Please think about someone other than yourself for once.

Great selective reading, there. Love it.

It's your words in black and white. Not much selection needed.

That PP responded to this PP with:

"Of course no one should be pressured to have a child they don’t want to have."

After being called out for their abhorrent post, sure. Their initial post was that you can and should try to convince them, even if they've already said no. Clearly no. That's wildly inappropriate.

The aforementioned abhorrent post acknowledged the husband’s right to veto. Twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

"My partner is a clear NO"
"Let me brow beat him until he changes his mind"

Wtf. No one should be coerced into bringing a human being into the world. Please think about someone other than yourself for once.

Great selective reading, there. Love it.

It's your words in black and white. Not much selection needed.

That PP responded to this PP with:

"Of course no one should be pressured to have a child they don’t want to have."

After being called out for their abhorrent post, sure. Their initial post was that you can and should try to convince them, even if they've already said no. Clearly no. That's wildly inappropriate.

Can and should try to convince them? That’s what you get from “OP has the right to ask for a discussion?”

Not so good with the reading comprehension, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

"My partner is a clear NO"
"Let me brow beat him until he changes his mind"

Wtf. No one should be coerced into bringing a human being into the world. Please think about someone other than yourself for once.

Great selective reading, there. Love it.

It's your words in black and white. Not much selection needed.

That PP responded to this PP with:

"Of course no one should be pressured to have a child they don’t want to have."

After being called out for their abhorrent post, sure. Their initial post was that you can and should try to convince them, even if they've already said no. Clearly no. That's wildly inappropriate.

Can and should try to convince them? That’s what you get from “OP has the right to ask for a discussion?”

Not so good with the reading comprehension, I guess.

"My partner is a clear NO"
So theyve discussed and he said NO, CLEARLY. Jesus. You want to sh!t on other people's reading comprehension?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re always going to feel sad when you’re done having babies. The grief and sadness and longing for another is normal and part of the process. But you also have to be realistic about your life, your partner, and your kids. Therapy is great for working through these feelings. Most people don’t get the family they dreamed of in the way they dreamed it. It’s normal to grieve this.

This 100%. I considered a 4th for a long time. I thought I really felt like I needed a 4th to complete my family, but in the end I stuck to 3, and feel complete. In fact I love where we are right now with elem and middle school kids. I think the 4th idea was more because I was so sad the baby phase was ending and I’d never get to experience all the incredible feelings that come with bringing a new baby into your family etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve for another child you won’t have even if you already have three. I get it.

I agree that the only opinion that matters, besides yours, is your husband’s. He has the right to veto. Unlike some other posters I also think OP has the right to ask for further discussion. And this is highly individual: some people really can change their minds. Others never will, and that is their right.

"My partner is a clear NO"
"Let me brow beat him until he changes his mind"

Wtf. No one should be coerced into bringing a human being into the world. Please think about someone other than yourself for once.

Great selective reading, there. Love it.

It's your words in black and white. Not much selection needed.

That PP responded to this PP with:

"Of course no one should be pressured to have a child they don’t want to have."

After being called out for their abhorrent post, sure. Their initial post was that you can and should try to convince them, even if they've already said no. Clearly no. That's wildly inappropriate.

Can and should try to convince them? That’s what you get from “OP has the right to ask for a discussion?”

Not so good with the reading comprehension, I guess.

"My partner is a clear NO"
So theyve discussed and he said NO, CLEARLY. Jesus. You want to sh!t on other people's reading comprehension?

You know, I apologize. A PP said something similar (albeit in a more conversational way) and as I said then, that’s fair. Perhaps my remark was out of place. And I know you wouldn’t be getting so bent out of shape by what I said if it weren’t somehow striking a personal nerve. It wasn’t my intention to provoke an internet fight. Good day to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re always going to feel sad when you’re done having babies. The grief and sadness and longing for another is normal and part of the process. But you also have to be realistic about your life, your partner, and your kids. Therapy is great for working through these feelings. Most people don’t get the family they dreamed of in the way they dreamed it. It’s normal to grieve this.

Nope, some of us are relieved when we are done. Because our current kids are enough.

[Anonymous]

Had a fourth then a fifth. We’ve had conversations about each. Love our family. It’s ok to keep talking. People change their minds. I did.