Fiance made a troubling comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night we were talking about a singer who has been with her boyfriend for 10 years. She has a teenage child from a previous relationship and a 3 year old boy with her boyfriend of 10 years.

Her name came up in discussion last night because she has this one song that my fiance likes.

When he mentioned the song I said you know speaking of her the news is reporting that her and her boyfriend of 10 years broke up since he refuses to marry her. This has been a point of contention throughout their relationship.

My fiance proceeds to say that she doesn't seem like the marrying type. He then says she shouldn't have broken up with him because now she's less valuable since she's a single mom with kids.

I was really offended when he called this woman less valuable due to being single with kids. I expressed to him that I was offended by his comment.

The weird thing is when my fiance and I met I was a single mom with two kids so that makes it even more hurtful to hear him say such a thing. And now I'm wondering is this how he thinks about me?

Do you think I am overacting to his comment? I woke up this morning still thinking about his words from last night. How would you handle this situation if it were you?

My exhusband said this to me in a fit of bitterness when I told him I wanted a divorce and we had 3 young kids. He was wrong though. And also pathetic.

I would also be upset if the person I was dating said this if I came into the relationship with kids. That said, your boyfriend could also be saying that the person seems like a free spirit. And clearly the woman can take care of herself and her kids which is also not appealing to some men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you’re getting the hate here, OP. I’m also a single mom who has kids with a man I didn’t marry, people here have a hard time understanding not everyone follows the traditional route and that life happens.

Anyway, I would just ask him directly what he meant by it and ask if he sees you that way, as “less valuable”. I’d be very upset over this type of comment - it’s valid to not want to date a single mom, but assigning value to a person based on their children is pretty gross. There’s a lot of really great men out there and no sense in wasting your time and energy on someone who sees you as less worthy.

I am a divorced mom with two kids. I have written the last several comments. She has made a massive mistake buying property without being married. Also, she should not marry this guy. Also, engagement for three years itself is a red flag. She will lose money on selling but she should because she should not marry this guy.

PP. maybe those things are true, but she didn’t ask about those, she asked about his comment.

Personally I think it’s a smart idea for women to not get married. I was happy I was able to get out quickly, rather than deal with the hassle of a divorce. And if it turns out he isn’t a great guy (since OP mentioned some other concerns), even better she’s not married and can end things easily.

[Anonymous]

Well, it’s too late for this to be a red flag, obviously.

All people say dumb thing that hurt feelings from time to time. The question is whether he cares that he hurt your feelings and can apologize and see your point of view. And also whether you can raise this with him in a productive way and not a blaming way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you’re getting the hate here, OP. I’m also a single mom who has kids with a man I didn’t marry, people here have a hard time understanding not everyone follows the traditional route and that life happens.

Anyway, I would just ask him directly what he meant by it and ask if he sees you that way, as “less valuable”. I’d be very upset over this type of comment - it’s valid to not want to date a single mom, but assigning value to a person based on their children is pretty gross. There’s a lot of really great men out there and no sense in wasting your time and energy on someone who sees you as less worthy.

I am a divorced mom with two kids. I have written the last several comments. She has made a massive mistake buying property without being married. Also, she should not marry this guy. Also, engagement for three years itself is a red flag. She will lose money on selling but she should because she should not marry this guy.

PP. maybe those things are true, but she didn’t ask about those, she asked about his comment.

Personally I think it’s a smart idea for women to not get married. I was happy I was able to get out quickly, rather than deal with the hassle of a divorce. And if it turns out he isn’t a great guy (since OP mentioned some other concerns), even better she’s not married and can end things easily.

+1. if you don’t get married he can’t take your 401k.

[Anonymous]

Why did you buy overseas?
Are you both US citizens or is one from that place? Family there?
An intent to marry at the time of engagement. Ok.
This engagement will last a loooong time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you’re getting the hate here, OP. I’m also a single mom who has kids with a man I didn’t marry, people here have a hard time understanding not everyone follows the traditional route and that life happens.

Anyway, I would just ask him directly what he meant by it and ask if he sees you that way, as “less valuable”. I’d be very upset over this type of comment - it’s valid to not want to date a single mom, but assigning value to a person based on their children is pretty gross. There’s a lot of really great men out there and no sense in wasting your time and energy on someone who sees you as less worthy.

I am a divorced mom with two kids. I have written the last several comments. She has made a massive mistake buying property without being married. Also, she should not marry this guy. Also, engagement for three years itself is a red flag. She will lose money on selling but she should because she should not marry this guy.

PP. maybe those things are true, but she didn’t ask about those, she asked about his comment.

Personally I think it’s a smart idea for women to not get married. I was happy I was able to get out quickly, rather than deal with the hassle of a divorce. And if it turns out he isn’t a great guy (since OP mentioned some other concerns), even better she’s not married and can end things easily.

+1. if you don’t get married he can’t take your 401k.

And you can't get his. There's a clock and engaged doesn't count.

Is the house and condo in both your names?

[Anonymous]

"Personally I think it’s a smart idea for women to not get married. I was happy I was able to get out quickly, rather than deal with the hassle of a divorce. And if it turns out he isn’t a great guy (since OP mentioned some other concerns), even better she’s not married and can end things easily."

What?! She owns property with him. Her kids live under a roof he shares. She has none of the protections and all of the risks by not being married.

[Anonymous]

He's been red pilled. Anyone who rates humans on their "value" to them is a gross piece of trash.

I would not stay with someone who has such a misogynistic attitude. I also worry about your children being partially raised by someone so toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it’s too late for this to be a red flag, obviously.

All people say dumb thing that hurt feelings from time to time. The question is whether he cares that he hurt your feelings and can apologize and see your point of view. And also whether you can raise this with him in a productive way and not a blaming way.

This wasn’t just a case of a “dumb thing”’he said. OP felt offended. How do you not get that ?

[Anonymous]

This celebrity has money longer than both you and that fiance... However, Yep he's still talking about you.

I would absolutely be embarrassed. But that's your man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, it’s too late for this to be a red flag, obviously.

All people say dumb thing that hurt feelings from time to time. The question is whether he cares that he hurt your feelings and can apologize and see your point of view. And also whether you can raise this with him in a productive way and not a blaming way.

This wasn’t just a case of a “dumb thing”’he said. OP felt offended. How do you not get that ?

+1. He said something incredibly misogynistic. If someone said something racist to their BIPOC fiancé, you'd recognize it as problematic, not just a "dumb thing".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Is the dad of your kids involved with them?

Sorry had to go vote but I'm back now. Yes we share 50/50 custody. We split the child rearing costs 50/50. It has been amicable so no courts are involved. Kids are 12 & 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - yes, that’s how he thinks about you. Period.
By the way, was the cash paid for the condo mostly his ? If so, take it as a fair settlement for your time with this jerk and move on
I wouldn’t marry him if I were you

So far the split is 30% cash from me 70 % cash from him. We still have one last payment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night we were talking about a singer who has been with her boyfriend for 10 years. She has a teenage child from a previous relationship and a 3 year old boy with her boyfriend of 10 years.

Her name came up in discussion last night because she has this one song that my fiance likes.

When he mentioned the song I said you know speaking of her the news is reporting that her and her boyfriend of 10 years broke up since he refuses to marry her. This has been a point of contention throughout their relationship.

My fiance proceeds to say that she doesn't seem like the marrying type. He then says she shouldn't have broken up with him because now she's less valuable since she's a single mom with kids.

I was really offended when he called this woman less valuable due to being single with kids. I expressed to him that I was offended by his comment.

The weird thing is when my fiance and I met I was a single mom with two kids so that makes it even more hurtful to hear him say such a thing. And now I'm wondering is this how he thinks about me?

Do you think I am overacting to his comment? I woke up this morning still thinking about his words from last night. How would you handle this situation if it were you?

Yes you are overreacting to his comment. There is no "situation" to handle.

He meant that it is going to be harder for her to find another relationship because she has young children. That is correct. The "less valuable" line was stupid, but the point is fair.

And it's she and her boyfriend, not her and her boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he took you mentioning the singer breaking up because he refused to marry as you hinting around that he needs to marry you soon or youll leave. So he hit back with a hurtful comment, that, similarly, is technically about the singer's relationship but also about you.

Its probably something a lot of men feel in the same way a woman would feel an unemployed man is a worse prospect, but you shouldn't say it to someone who actually is unemployed, a single parent, or whatever.

Ahhh, good point. Thank you for this insight.