Another Thanksgiving Vent - Makeshift Family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not get along with DH family. They are aloof, standoffish, and just cold. But they are all about the holidays at the same time, because they want to seem like everyone else. I dread holidays with them. I do not come from a large family but I have a close circle of friends who've been like family to me, we enjoy each other, we vacationed several times together, and everyone loved it, especially all our kids. My own children call them all Aunts and Uncles much to ILs chagrin. My SILs and BILs are cold towards the kids, including their own.

This year one of my friends proposed renting a large house and all of us, 6 families, 20+ people, getting in, having fun. We told ILs we won't join them this year and all hell broke loose. The shaming, the angry message I can see DH leaning towards "keeping the peace." I told him he will go on his own then.

I want holidays without them. I am willing to sacrifice my marriage not to see or hear from these people.

Then get a divorce. Free yourself from your IL's
Doubt all hell broke loose over them not seeing you --probably just your man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH may need to go alone in order to see if he is ready or not. It’s perfectly ok to spend your holidays with people you love, and the family needs to back off.
I’ve btdt.

Ready to divorce? I can't imagine sacrificing my marriage over friend Thanksgiving. And I love our makeshift family friends, as we were a military family that spent decades away from our families.

I wonder if OP's kids will be happy that she sacrificed the marriage for thanksgiving. Seems like a shortsighted decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe that 6 families have no other family they would spend the holiday with.

You don’t know very many people.

[Anonymous]

OP, are a White woman?

You are giving those vibes.

[Anonymous]

You should tell the in-laws less. No reason they should know your kids calm your friends aunt and uncle. You didn’t need to tell them what you’re doing for the holiday. Could have just said “our immediate family has decided to go on a trip for thanksgiving this year.”

[Anonymous]

PP- Read before responding. She already explained that her kids call the friend Aunt Whatever in front of the ILs. OP isn't the one telling the ILs about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do TG dinner with ILs and then head to the party house for the rest of the weekend.

That'll be too far away, we will spend the whole weekend just driving.

I'd still try to make it work. Are your ILs not local?

Why???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not get along with DH family. They are aloof, standoffish, and just cold. But they are all about the holidays at the same time, because they want to seem like everyone else. I dread holidays with them. I do not come from a large family but I have a close circle of friends who've been like family to me, we enjoy each other, we vacationed several times together, and everyone loved it, especially all our kids. My own children call them all Aunts and Uncles much to ILs chagrin. My SILs and BILs are cold towards the kids, including their own.

This year one of my friends proposed renting a large house and all of us, 6 families, 20+ people, getting in, having fun. We told ILs we won't join them this year and all hell broke loose. The shaming, the angry message I can see DH leaning towards "keeping the peace." I told him he will go on his own then.

I want holidays without them. I am willing to sacrifice my marriage not to see or hear from these people.

Then you shall. You made your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not get along with DH family. They are aloof, standoffish, and just cold. But they are all about the holidays at the same time, because they want to seem like everyone else. I dread holidays with them. I do not come from a large family but I have a close circle of friends who've been like family to me, we enjoy each other, we vacationed several times together, and everyone loved it, especially all our kids. My own children call them all Aunts and Uncles much to ILs chagrin. My SILs and BILs are cold towards the kids, including their own.

This year one of my friends proposed renting a large house and all of us, 6 families, 20+ people, getting in, having fun. We told ILs we won't join them this year and all hell broke loose. The shaming, the angry message I can see DH leaning towards "keeping the peace." I told him he will go on his own then.

I want holidays without them. I am willing to sacrifice my marriage not to see or hear from these people.

The OP has way bigger issues than Thanksgiving dinner.

Why is that? Because she has a backbone? Do the Friendsgiving OP with your kids. DH can go be miserable with his family. I bet DH will come with you.😁

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the 6 family thing and report back OP! I didn't get enough beach house drama.

LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP- Read before responding. She already explained that her kids call the friend Aunt Whatever in front of the ILs. OP isn't the one telling the ILs about this.

Then she should not mix her worlds. There are solutions here to minimize hurt feelings. OP clearly wants to anger/hurt her in laws and will happily use her kids to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I find it hard to believe that 6 families have no other family they would spend the holiday with."

This is seriously one of the most stupid, clueless, and insensitive things I've read on DCUM, and I've been reading DCUM for over 10 years. This is a group for people based in the DC area. Most of the people in the group who would have been drawn to this sort of group are not from here. They didn't grow up here. They don't have family here. Most of us came here back when you came to DC for work in fields related to the national capital for a few years, before 9/11 turned NoVA into the IT security center of the world and changed the demographics and the workforce profile. Think jobs with national associations, advocacy groups, government fellowships and appointments, and all things related to The Hill. These jobs didn't tend to be lifetime jobs. Instead, most professionals here were transient and would leave after having their DC experience for a few years. I've said goodbye to far, far more friends in DC than I have remaining here. Most left for grad school or when the administrations turned over every four years. Those of us who stayed did so despite not having family here. We've created families of choice here out of necessity. Some of us married, but lots of us are single women or divorced with kids. We tend to fly home for Christmas, but not for Thanksgiving. And that's why so many people here share Thanksgiving with their chosen families instead of with grandma out in Frederick or Fredricksburg. As for me, my grandma was in the Southwest while she was still alive. There's no way I was ever flying there with my kids in tow for three days over Thanksgiving when I was going to see her and the rest of my family a month later.

That's a lot of drama for an hour drive. Sheesh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP- Read before responding. She already explained that her kids call the friend Aunt Whatever in front of the ILs. OP isn't the one telling the ILs about this.

Then she should not mix her worlds. There are solutions here to minimize hurt feelings. OP clearly wants to anger/hurt her in laws and will happily use her kids to do so.

Op is NOT responsible for other adults feelings. Op - Go to the Friendsgiving and don’t give it another thought. You gave plenty of notice (not that you needed to).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP- Read before responding. She already explained that her kids call the friend Aunt Whatever in front of the ILs. OP isn't the one telling the ILs about this.

I know SIL doesn't like most of us that much (it's obvious) and doesn't prioritize getting together unless forced by my brother. Think we were a disappointment to her as family, even though we are just being ourselves.

It used to hurt me but now I accept it is what it is. We don't go out of our way to get together with them anymore either now.

I would decide which holidays are "friend" holidays and which holiday you will spend with DHs family OP.

If you hate them so much you never want to see any of them again, then go ahead and divorce and DH will split the holidays with you and take the kids wherever he wants to on his holidays and you will do the same with yours.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who said OP is mad about too many things. That said, her own family of origin is dead; if they were alive she and DH would likely do some kind of Thanksgiving/Christmas time sharing negotiation. Thus, it seems more than reasonable to have a chosen family Thanksgiving so long as some time is spent over Christmas with DH family.

But drawing a line in the sand over this and threatening divorce seems oppositional and overly dramatic. Find solutions, not more problems.