Subtle signs of emotional abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re usually a frog in a pot of water brought to boiling. Keep a journal of reality, hide it daily, use it as a reference, go back and see how frequent the BS, gaslighting and lies are.

I think keeping a journal is a good idea. And if your DH isn't a total jerk, try pushing back with clear statements about how he is arguing. "I don't like how you are making me feel guilty for your actions". When you push back, if he doubles down or gets enraged, you know what you need to do. If you are eventually able to have some clear conversations with him about how he's interacting, great. But after 19 years a lot of your habits will be engrained pretty hard so shifting them healthier will be a huge amount of work. Only you know if it's worth it.

I kept a running note on my phone as a journal (locked, of course). When my divorce was final I went back and looked at entries from 10 years ago- tiny little notes that seemed inconsequential at the time but also worth writing down. As I scroll up it’s really upsetting to see the pattern continue and escalate. It’s hard to see in the moment and tempting to take each event as separate and unrelated.

[Anonymous]

^^10 years of escalation. Man, that's not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Crazy making
Twists your concerns or questions into personally attacking you for even asking.
“Forgets” mutual decisions
Name calling not discussing
Deflect
Excuses
Threats
Calls you crazy
Lies
Accusations
Zero conflict resolution- the underlying issue brought up is never addressed, instead there is a crazy horse & pony show argument
Rages
Threatens divorce to shut down conversations
Instantly charming to outsiders if the doorbell rings (ie IS in control of the anger and abuse).
Prioritizes the external ego and image versus inside the home to family.
Blows up, goes to bed, feels great the next day and “forgot” what even happened. Never circles back.
Agrees to do something, rarely does or does it incorrectly.
Blows up before your big events - a work trip, hosting a holiday, a big decision or presentation.

Wants to control and manipulate.

OP here: this is it. Before work trips and board meetings, he'll disappear rather than blow up, but that often makes me on the edge of late and starts the day off stressfully. That said, I'm really good at my job and usually over-prepared.

Where is your husband disappearing to?
What weird behavior...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^10 years of escalation. Man, that's not good.

Yes, it was bad. But started when I was pregnant and living 4000 miles away from family. Your brain gets really good at ignoring things when you don't have a lot of practical options and when everyone else is telling you what a nice guy or good guy this person is. He walked out on us eventually, for better or for worse, mostly for better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Crazy making
Twists your concerns or questions into personally attacking you for even asking.
“Forgets” mutual decisions
Name calling not discussing
Deflect
Excuses
Threats
Calls you crazy
Lies
Accusations
Zero conflict resolution- the underlying issue brought up is never addressed, instead there is a crazy horse & pony show argument
Rages
Threatens divorce to shut down conversations
Instantly charming to outsiders if the doorbell rings (ie IS in control of the anger and abuse).
Prioritizes the external ego and image versus inside the home to family.
Blows up, goes to bed, feels great the next day and “forgot” what even happened. Never circles back.
Agrees to do something, rarely does or does it incorrectly.
Blows up before your big events - a work trip, hosting a holiday, a big decision or presentation.

Wants to control and manipulate.

OP here: this is it. Before work trips and board meetings, he'll disappear rather than blow up, but that often makes me on the edge of late and starts the day off stressfully. That said, I'm really good at my job and usually over-prepared.

Where is your husband disappearing to?
What weird behavior...

He'll hide in the house. Bedroom, bathroom. For hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Crazy making
Twists your concerns or questions into personally attacking you for even asking.
“Forgets” mutual decisions
Name calling not discussing
Deflect
Excuses
Threats
Calls you crazy
Lies
Accusations
Zero conflict resolution- the underlying issue brought up is never addressed, instead there is a crazy horse & pony show argument
Rages
Threatens divorce to shut down conversations
Instantly charming to outsiders if the doorbell rings (ie IS in control of the anger and abuse).
Prioritizes the external ego and image versus inside the home to family.
Blows up, goes to bed, feels great the next day and “forgot” what even happened. Never circles back.
Agrees to do something, rarely does or does it incorrectly.
Blows up before your big events - a work trip, hosting a holiday, a big decision or presentation.

Wants to control and manipulate.

OP here: this is it. Before work trips and board meetings, he'll disappear rather than blow up, but that often makes me on the edge of late and starts the day off stressfully. That said, I'm really good at my job and usually over-prepared.

Where is your husband disappearing to?
What weird behavior...

He'll hide in the house. Bedroom, bathroom. For hours.

Doing what? Girlllllllllllll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does this Op sound like another Troll rehash of a real topic yesterday but with online citations?

True that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re usually a frog in a pot of water brought to boiling. Keep a journal of reality, hide it daily, use it as a reference, go back and see how frequent the BS, gaslighting and lies are.

I think keeping a journal is a good idea. And if your DH isn't a total jerk, try pushing back with clear statements about how he is arguing. "I don't like how you are making me feel guilty for your actions". When you push back, if he doubles down or gets enraged, you know what you need to do. If you are eventually able to have some clear conversations with him about how he's interacting, great. But after 19 years a lot of your habits will be engrained pretty hard so shifting them healthier will be a huge amount of work. Only you know if it's worth it.

I kept a running note on my phone as a journal (locked, of course). When my divorce was final I went back and looked at entries from 10 years ago- tiny little notes that seemed inconsequential at the time but also worth writing down. As I scroll up it’s really upsetting to see the pattern continue and escalate. It’s hard to see in the moment and tempting to take each event as separate and unrelated.

Same. And when you’re keeping it together to run the house and kids by yourself plus work and keep your sanity you don’t have the luxury to zoom out and see how $hitty things are, nor strategize on what to do.

I guess I was lucky in that I stepped back during COVID, was at my parents with the kids, read a bunch of literature on his behavior and Dx, had a good psychologist well versed in dealing with people with those Dx (they prefer to work with and help family members since they do the work to cope better and leave), and a NAMI group of women in various stages of the same NT/AS situation.

After six months, things were clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Crazy making
Twists your concerns or questions into personally attacking you for even asking.
“Forgets” mutual decisions
Name calling not discussing
Deflect
Excuses
Threats
Calls you crazy
Lies
Accusations
Zero conflict resolution- the underlying issue brought up is never addressed, instead there is a crazy horse & pony show argument
Rages
Threatens divorce to shut down conversations
Instantly charming to outsiders if the doorbell rings (ie IS in control of the anger and abuse).
Prioritizes the external ego and image versus inside the home to family.
Blows up, goes to bed, feels great the next day and “forgot” what even happened. Never circles back.
Agrees to do something, rarely does or does it incorrectly.
Blows up before your big events - a work trip, hosting a holiday, a big decision or presentation.

Wants to control and manipulate.

OP here: this is it. Before work trips and board meetings, he'll disappear rather than blow up, but that often makes me on the edge of late and starts the day off stressfully. That said, I'm really good at my job and usually over-prepared.

Where is your husband disappearing to?
What weird behavior...

He'll hide in the house. Bedroom, bathroom. For hours.

Isn’t that better than raging? Or being reliable half the time and never know which half the time he won’t be reliable??

It’s lonely, however. Lonely marriage of neglect

[Anonymous]

DARVO is also known as "my spouse disagrees with me". Notice how it checks all the DARVO boxes?

What follows is a positive feedback loop for nagging. Because the complainer has first-mover advantage in a DARVO-framed scenario.

More pop-psych bullsh!t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I second the recommendation for Lundy Bancroft - I read "Why Does He Do That" (available online for free as a pdf) and found it illuminating.

I CANNOT believe this book is still being recommended. I encountered it during internship in grad school. The book is hogwash and the author is absolutely unqualified on the topic. It's just chick lit. Google him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Crazy making
Twists your concerns or questions into personally attacking you for even asking.
“Forgets” mutual decisions
Name calling not discussing
Deflect
Excuses
Threats
Calls you crazy
Lies
Accusations
Zero conflict resolution- the underlying issue brought up is never addressed, instead there is a crazy horse & pony show argument
Rages
Threatens divorce to shut down conversations
Instantly charming to outsiders if the doorbell rings (ie IS in control of the anger and abuse).
Prioritizes the external ego and image versus inside the home to family.
Blows up, goes to bed, feels great the next day and “forgot” what even happened. Never circles back.
Agrees to do something, rarely does or does it incorrectly.
Blows up before your big events - a work trip, hosting a holiday, a big decision or presentation.

Wants to control and manipulate.

OP here: this is it. Before work trips and board meetings, he'll disappear rather than blow up, but that often makes me on the edge of late and starts the day off stressfully. That said, I'm really good at my job and usually over-prepared.

Where is your husband disappearing to?
What weird behavior...

He'll hide in the house. Bedroom, bathroom. For hours.

Isn’t that better than raging? Or being reliable half the time and never know which half the time he won’t be reliable??

It’s lonely, however. Lonely marriage of neglect

Making excuses ..
Playing Hide and Go Seek in the home doing who knows what and everything to dodge and escape his wife and kids is not the answer.

What’s more unreliable about that. ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Crazy making
Twists your concerns or questions into personally attacking you for even asking.
“Forgets” mutual decisions
Name calling not discussing
Deflect
Excuses
Threats
Calls you crazy
Lies
Accusations
Zero conflict resolution- the underlying issue brought up is never addressed, instead there is a crazy horse & pony show argument
Rages
Threatens divorce to shut down conversations
Instantly charming to outsiders if the doorbell rings (ie IS in control of the anger and abuse).
Prioritizes the external ego and image versus inside the home to family.
Blows up, goes to bed, feels great the next day and “forgot” what even happened. Never circles back.
Agrees to do something, rarely does or does it incorrectly.
Blows up before your big events - a work trip, hosting a holiday, a big decision or presentation.

Wants to control and manipulate.

OP here: this is it. Before work trips and board meetings, he'll disappear rather than blow up, but that often makes me on the edge of late and starts the day off stressfully. That said, I'm really good at my job and usually over-prepared.

Where is your husband disappearing to?
What weird behavior...

He'll hide in the house. Bedroom, bathroom. For hours.

Isn’t that better than raging? Or being reliable half the time and never know which half the time he won’t be reliable??

It’s lonely, however. Lonely marriage of neglect

Making excuses ..
Playing Hide and Go Seek in the home doing who knows what and everything to dodge and escape his wife and kids is not the answer.

What’s more unreliable about that. ?

Yes neglect is abuse. And a passive aggressive way of ending a relationship.

But isn’t the OP talking about active emotional abuse?

Or it is the dude mainly a Manchild dumping on his wife and hiding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the recommendation for Lundy Bancroft - I read "Why Does He Do That" (available online for free as a pdf) and found it illuminating.

I CANNOT believe this book is still being recommended. I encountered it during internship in grad school. The book is hogwash and the author is absolutely unqualified on the topic. It's just chick lit. Google him.

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DARVO is also known as "my spouse disagrees with me". Notice how it checks all the DARVO boxes?

What follows is a positive feedback loop for nagging. Because the complainer has first-mover advantage in a DARVO-framed scenario.

More pop-psych bullsh!t.

Troll