If you made new close friends after age 45

[Anonymous]

In my own experience, you just have to keep asking people, even if you are the only one to do the asking. Everyone is busy with life and? I think, assumes others are as well. But if people willingly accept your invitations? Then keep inviting.
Agree w/a PP that walking is a great activity to build friendships. I have friends with who I walk weekly, every other week, and once a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I walk with people. Do you do drop off or pick up with your kids from school? Find a mom that does it at the same time and see if they want to do a walk after drop off or before pick up maybe once every week or two. Or during your lunch break, or during your kids' sports practice. People usually say yes to a walk. It's low commitment, exercise, and everyone feels good after. Aside from that, I feel like all of my other social groups are heavily organized by me... I feel your pain.

I also do a lot of walking. I made some new friends walking during Covid and I continue to invite people that I meet and like to meet up for walks.

[Anonymous]

How about Mahjong??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about Mahjong??

This is a great suggestion! It's a low-pressure social activity (you mostly talk about the game, especially while you're learning) and people are always looking for extra people to play. I took a few group lessons and through those, met a group of people I play with weekly. They're not best friends but could evolve into closer friends over time.

I'm 51 and have recently made a few new good friends after years of rarely making new friends. I worked at it -- I joined a bunch of things like mahjong classes, a book club, and a job-related networking group. I'm in a FB group for local women and go to some of those activities as well. Not everyone I meet is going to be a good friend but several of them have been!

Once you meet someone you would like to pursue a friendship with, I agree with the PP who said to find an activity you can do regularly -- walking, coffee, a class, whatever. It's hard for many people to navigate new friendships even when they really want to have them. We're all busy and fitting new people/activities in can be hard on top of the social uncertainties. A regular "date" keeps the friendship moving forward without having to constantly think of new activities to do or worry about whose "turn" it is to invite the other.

[Anonymous]

I focus more on working hard to keep my old friends because making new friends is pretty much impossible.

[Anonymous]

Here's a newer suggestion- I have done several TimeLeft dinners and all have been great experiences, 1 led to a really good friendship.

Basically you sign up for a dinner with 5 stranger on their website and you get the details of the reservation. I think I've gone 4 times and across the board have met normal, interesting people. You take a personality quiz and get grouped that way. Most people were in a few camps- moved here for work and looking for friends, recently had a career milestone and had more time to breathe after being head down working for years, or in some sort of transitional phase like starting their own company and are feeling the loss of coworkers. All the dinners included a great mix of interesting conversations with educated, kind, open people. You all start off on the right foot all being in the same situation walking up to a dinner table of strangers and the conversation flows right away. Highly recommend!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a newer suggestion- I have done several TimeLeft dinners and all have been great experiences, 1 led to a really good friendship.

Basically you sign up for a dinner with 5 stranger on their website and you get the details of the reservation. I think I've gone 4 times and across the board have met normal, interesting people. You take a personality quiz and get grouped that way. Most people were in a few camps- moved here for work and looking for friends, recently had a career milestone and had more time to breathe after being head down working for years, or in some sort of transitional phase like starting their own company and are feeling the loss of coworkers. All the dinners included a great mix of interesting conversations with educated, kind, open people. You all start off on the right foot all being in the same situation walking up to a dinner table of strangers and the conversation flows right away. Highly recommend!

Adding that the friendship I made has been a year long now and she's someone I probably wouldn't have connected with irl just because we have pretty different careers, she doesn't have kids, we live different lifestyles (me suburbia mom, her fancy high rise building), but we both had similar childhoods and love working out, plants, cooking, treasure hunting at vintage shops, nice coffee. We've done dinners, long walks with coffee, shopping, a concert, and we text at least weekly.

[Anonymous]

I am 48. I don't have time for friends. I barely see the friends I have. Truly, I am too busy. This is probably most working women with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I (about to turn 47) have a few very close friends. No one I met after 45, but I was 44 and she was 47, so I’ll count it…

We moved in my late 30s and I read at the time that the biggest predictor of whether you’ll be friends with someone is whether you have repeat, unplanned interactions. I assume that’s because you have something (neighborhood, work, hobby, kids sports etc) in place to begin with.

I hate to tell you but the one friend felt like dumb luck plus repeat exposure. Though there might have been some kindergarten teacher intuition as well.

I was at my then kindergartners’ talent show. I asked the woman next to me if her child was performing. She said “no, he’s just over there with friends watching the show”. I asked his name (I’ll call him Steve) and grade (5th).

I said “oh my gosh! He’s my kindergartner, Sally’s reading buddy! I’m so glad we met. She’s been so sad about how hard it is to learn to read, but Steve wrote her the kindest, most encouraging card about how he didn’t know how until the end of first grade and she’s smart and is working hard and he knows she’s getting frustrated, but also knows it out.”

The mom said “I’m quite sure you have the wrong Steve. My kid has never written a note like that in his life.”

She walked over and said “Hey, Steve, who’s your kindergarten reading buddy?” And he lit up with this huge grin and said “Sally!”

We then ran into each other at a party a few weeks later. Sally had just been going to speech therapy and we were suspecting ADHD (since diagnosed). She was having huge outbursts at school. The mom told me anout how this sounded like Steve annd what her experiences had been. She was at a point where she worried about Steve generally and felt comfort knowing he was being kind.

Obviously these days we talk about many broader topics than our kids (I have 3rd and 7th girls; she has 4th and 8th boys) and their diagnoses - actually the first party after the talent show she was considering applying to a new position at work and asked what I thought - but it started out with our kids being matched and then us eventually meeting as well.

What a lovely way to make a friend! It’s always so nice to hear strangers or acquaintances say positive things about your child, isn’t it?

[Anonymous]

I am 52. I have a fair number of close friends and I made 3 promising new friends over the past two years. Two are mom-friends and the another one I met through work. Don't be needy, expect too much too soon, or talk about yourself all the time. Take it slow and don't be desperate for friends. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Through my kids sports.

[Anonymous]

My neighbor in her 70s is still best friends with the other moms from her daughters travel softball team 25 years ago.
Unfortunately my kids are not very athletic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a more relevant metric than your age is the age of your kids. I think that's a bigger driver in determining friendships. I am mid-40s with elementary school aged kids. The majority of my friends in my daily life are about 5-10 years younger than me (parents of kids friends) or 10 years older (friends who never had kids). I also approach it like dating if I think I might like someone I will give my number/ask for theirs then start randomly sharing silly things. I also probably throw out 5-6 invitations to do things for every 1 invite that gets a yes (and half the time that gets rescheduled). I really try to pick on vibes of whether the person is not interested in friendship/not a good match or if they are genuinely busy and if the latter I keep asking. I just happen to be more organized and driven and people really appreciate it and I've helped some groups of friends gel this way. But it is work!!!

Agree here...we moved during the pandemic so it was tough finding new friends. I'm in my 50s with tween-aged kids and have made friends in the neighborhood through just seeing the same moms at the elementary school bus stop and at the pool club. Most of the other moms are 10-15 yrs younger than me but it doesn't seem to matter. Having kids in the same age ranges makes it easier. I also do some volunteering (environmental/outdoor/gardening projects) and that group tends to be my age or older. I do a mix of just showing up for a lot of volunteer opportunities and putting out invitations myself. I'm a lot less self conscious about whether every invitation leads to something actually happening or not and agree for a lot of people, they're just relieved someone else is the organizer. I'm kind of an extroverted introvert...most of my friends are on the introvert side and I get us all out of the house!

[Anonymous]

I love the Steve/Sally story. DCUM posts don't usually improve my mood but that one did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you made new close friends after age 45, how did you meet them?

I have tried everything over the past five years: meetup groups, book club, boutique exercise studio, religious congregation, inviting moms from school out to do things, taking hobby/interest classes and nothing works. I've made a few acquaintances but no friends. And these friendships are always one-sided, with me doing all the inviting and no reciprocation/them not having an interest in keeping in touch. I can't remember the last time someone invited me to do something or texted me to see how my week was going.

Where can a 45 year old married mom make new friends? Ideally they would be in a similar life stage/similar kid ages, but I'm open to single/non-parent friends as well.

I thought meetup groups would be the answer, but that hasn't worked out for me (and I'm in several groups). Moms from school have no interest in being friends with me.

I'm going to look into a weekly knitting circle, but the one I tried a few months ago was only women 70 and older.

Would love to hear thoughts.

Community theater. It throws you into a group of people for 2-3 hours multiple times a week. You are all working towards the same goal. Usually lots of laughter, and a high return rate for the next show.