DH putting interests and activities first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this and has gradually gotten worse over the years. As his income goes up, he feels more and more entitled to do less. He works all day and does his hobby virtually every night. Sometimes he will say “I’ll be home 6-6:40 for dinner” in between work and hobby, and then he expects everyone to cater to that time, to the point where we need to be siting at the table waiting because he only has 40 minute. He is a very high earner (above 5M) and believes this entirely justifies his behavior. I also work, but earn much less. And no. It’s not an affair - it’s a hobby that is easily confirmed.
One thing I have done is I just let the kids miss their activities if it’s complicated to get them all to different places. This annoys him but I don’t care or don’t tell him.

Why do you work if he makes more than $5m? You could not work, hire most things, and have most of your days to yourself. I have a high earning spouse and still work, but if he was pulling in $5m, I'd certainly quit my job.

I think the general consensus is that if you don’t like your spouse that much you shouldn’t quit your job. It doesn’t feel like a secure marriage.

[Anonymous]

Op, is it cycling/triathlon/running?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just have the fight.

As a PP said, make it about fairness. And be totally blunt - "Larlo, Boy Scouts isn't about you or your enjoyment. It's a parental duty." And don't try to sweeten the pot with things like him knowing other dads there like it's some bargaining chip

And don't let him weasel out by saying he didn't want the kids to do all these activities anyway. That discussion can be tabled until this fall's activities are over.

I think you just have to stop tiptoeing around this and have the come to Jesus.

It’s only a parental duty of both parents jointly agreed on the activity or if they agreed that activities were something they would give their child and they would split the duties when it came to making it happen.

I don’t think it’s fair to unilaterally decide on how many and which activities are going to happen and then expect the other parent to split the duties of making them happen.

I love how you just skipped over where I explicitly addressed that.

And then made up a scenario of what you think the OP did.

Never change DCUM.

What you said is that the parent who didn’t agree should just suck it up and drive anyway until the activity ends. I don’t agree. If you unilaterally make a decision then you unilaterally need to do what it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this and has gradually gotten worse over the years. As his income goes up, he feels more and more entitled to do less. He works all day and does his hobby virtually every night. Sometimes he will say “I’ll be home 6-6:40 for dinner” in between work and hobby, and then he expects everyone to cater to that time, to the point where we need to be siting at the table waiting because he only has 40 minute. He is a very high earner (above 5M) and believes this entirely justifies his behavior. I also work, but earn much less. And no. It’s not an affair - it’s a hobby that is easily confirmed.
One thing I have done is I just let the kids miss their activities if it’s complicated to get them all to different places. This annoys him but I don’t care or don’t tell him.

In your case why don’t you hire a team of babysitters and drivers? This is nuts.

[Anonymous]

This is why I stopped signing my kids up for activities. The only sport I sign them up for is swim lessons, if that even counts. I'm not with my ex but we co parent and he lives down the street so we pretty much both see the kids every day (like today he dropped the kids off with me before work, I got them ready and took them to school, he will pick them up).

I focus on activities I can do with my kids. Paddle boarding, biking, etc. Helps we are in a warm climate. I stopped caring about their dad doing anything fun with them. I also don't set up too many play dates, because I know I'm going to be the one doing all the driving and socializing. It kind of sucks for the kids, but we do have a lot of fun the 3 of us without their Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless he signed the kids up for those things, there's no reason he should take them. If they want to do the activity, they should arrange their own rides.

That's obviously a troll post and absurd. Normal people support their kids and enjoy being a part of their activities. The few instances where I've seen this attitude are from a true narcissist, and if that's what OP is dealing with, then my advice is to hire out as much help as you can for now, keep track of the money, and divorce when your youngest leaves for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this and has gradually gotten worse over the years. As his income goes up, he feels more and more entitled to do less. He works all day and does his hobby virtually every night. Sometimes he will say “I’ll be home 6-6:40 for dinner” in between work and hobby, and then he expects everyone to cater to that time, to the point where we need to be siting at the table waiting because he only has 40 minute. He is a very high earner (above 5M) and believes this entirely justifies his behavior. I also work, but earn much less. And no. It’s not an affair - it’s a hobby that is easily confirmed.
One thing I have done is I just let the kids miss their activities if it’s complicated to get them all to different places. This annoys him but I don’t care or don’t tell him.

Why do you work if he makes more than $5m? You could not work, hire most things, and have most of your days to yourself. I have a high earning spouse and still work, but if he was pulling in $5m, I'd certainly quit my job.

Hopefully it’s $5m in carried interest or passive investments. No one wants $5m of annual taxable w-2 income! That would be beyond stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I stopped signing my kids up for activities. The only sport I sign them up for is swim lessons, if that even counts. I'm not with my ex but we co parent and he lives down the street so we pretty much both see the kids every day (like today he dropped the kids off with me before work, I got them ready and took them to school, he will pick them up).

I focus on activities I can do with my kids. Paddle boarding, biking, etc. Helps we are in a warm climate. I stopped caring about their dad doing anything fun with them. I also don't set up too many play dates, because I know I'm going to be the one doing all the driving and socializing. It kind of sucks for the kids, but we do have a lot of fun the 3 of us without their Dad.

Get a nanny.

Your homebody approach won’t work so hot once your kids are 8-10 yos and older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, is it cycling/triathlon/running?

Hey now. We’re out at 5am and back home by 7am, especially in DC with this clogged bike lanes and trails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this and has gradually gotten worse over the years. As his income goes up, he feels more and more entitled to do less. He works all day and does his hobby virtually every night. Sometimes he will say “I’ll be home 6-6:40 for dinner” in between work and hobby, and then he expects everyone to cater to that time, to the point where we need to be siting at the table waiting because he only has 40 minute. He is a very high earner (above 5M) and believes this entirely justifies his behavior. I also work, but earn much less. And no. It’s not an affair - it’s a hobby that is easily confirmed.
One thing I have done is I just let the kids miss their activities if it’s complicated to get them all to different places. This annoys him but I don’t care or don’t tell him.

Why do you work if he makes more than $5m? You could not work, hire most things, and have most of your days to yourself. I have a high earning spouse and still work, but if he was pulling in $5m, I'd certainly quit my job.

Maybe because he might view it as his money and if they divorce she will be in a worse position?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're not very interesting, or he wouldn't look for things to do that don't involve you. Did you gain a lot of weight recently?

Wow. A new way to blame the wife.

[Anonymous]

It seems to me the best hobby would be fishing. You get a boat, your husband will insist on living near water, and fresh fish. What's not to love? I should have married one of those.
Worst hobby is running/gym stuff. They're gone all the time improving themselves and probably looking down on you if you gain an ounce.
My own husband plays guitar.

[Anonymous]

When he ran out of new hobbies and new friends to make, he got a new girlfriend and ended our 20 year marriage.

It was a blessing in disguise. It's hilarious watching him struggle with 40% custody of the kids, because he has so much less free time even though he's free 60% of the time; that's how much he was doing for himself. On the other hand, I'm swimming in free time now that I have 40% of my time free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this and has gradually gotten worse over the years. As his income goes up, he feels more and more entitled to do less. He works all day and does his hobby virtually every night. Sometimes he will say “I’ll be home 6-6:40 for dinner” in between work and hobby, and then he expects everyone to cater to that time, to the point where we need to be siting at the table waiting because he only has 40 minute. He is a very high earner (above 5M) and believes this entirely justifies his behavior. I also work, but earn much less. And no. It’s not an affair - it’s a hobby that is easily confirmed.
One thing I have done is I just let the kids miss their activities if it’s complicated to get them all to different places. This annoys him but I don’t care or don’t tell him.

What a turn off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is like this and has gradually gotten worse over the years. As his income goes up, he feels more and more entitled to do less. He works all day and does his hobby virtually every night. Sometimes he will say “I’ll be home 6-6:40 for dinner” in between work and hobby, and then he expects everyone to cater to that time, to the point where we need to be siting at the table waiting because he only has 40 minute. He is a very high earner (above 5M) and believes this entirely justifies his behavior. I also work, but earn much less. And no. It’s not an affair - it’s a hobby that is easily confirmed.
One thing I have done is I just let the kids miss their activities if it’s complicated to get them all to different places. This annoys him but I don’t care or don’t tell him.

I’m so curious what your DH does for 5M per year! How did you meet him?