The age old question opposite sex best friends when you're in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

If a woman doesn't want to date a man with female friends, she should pick a man without female friends.

It's incredibly controlling and insecure to try and get someone to drop their friends after you've started dating. Just like it would be controlling and crazy for a vegan to date a meat eater, and then decide a month in that they want the meat eater to be vegan.

Just find someone compatible with your values. If you are the type to drop a friend because of someone elses insecurities, you are a bad friend and don't deserve their friendship anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a man 35 I have a a group of friends male and female one of the ones I'm closer to is a woman. She could be considered a best friend also have a close male best friend to.
I am dating a woman for a few months now and she's told me that me having a female best friend makes her uncomfortable. She says her discomfort stems from her dad cheating on her mom as a child, and two relationships one where a man claimed to be single and she only found out about the wife when the wife called her. And another when the guy decided he wanted the best friend or they flirted with each other not entirely clear on that. She owns that these are her issues and she's working on them ( therapy) but she's not comfortable with it.
To be clear she hasn't issued any ultimatums and she's always been cordial to my friend.
I guess I'm struggling with what to do as a boyfriend?. I don't love the idea of dropping my friend as she was one of the people who helped me during a hard time in my life. I also really don't want to screw things up with my girlfriend and I want to make her feel secure.

I'm getting conflicting advice . I've heard drop the friend and drop the girlfriend and ask my girlfriend what I can do to help her.

So what should I do?

So your gf is worried about you cheating, because she has been the other woman and involved in cheating before. This is her issue. Would you dump a gay male friend? He could hit on you, and you could turn gay and cheat on her with him!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you're married - no. No woman as a best friend. As to when that change needs to happen, sometime between beginning to date and being married. No exact time but if it isn't happening naturally, you are not in the right marriage-mindset to commit. No one should want to marry you.

Agreed. Female friend is find best friend absolutely not. Some women have to learn this the hard way.

No. Female here whose male best friend was in the wedding party.

If DH didn’t have the emotional maturity to navigate opposite gender friendships, that would have been a red flag.

It would be a red flag that your best friend isn't the person that you plan on spending the rest of your life with. It would be a red flag to me that you prioritize the feelings over your spouse's. I guess some people aren't in marriage for the long haul

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a woman doesn't want to date a man with female friends, she should pick a man without female friends.

It's incredibly controlling and insecure to try and get someone to drop their friends after you've started dating. Just like it would be controlling and crazy for a vegan to date a meat eater, and then decide a month in that they want the meat eater to be vegan.

Just find someone compatible with your values. If you are the type to drop a friend because of someone elses insecurities, you are a bad friend and don't deserve their friendship anyways.

Again where did it say gf said to drop the friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you're married - no. No woman as a best friend. As to when that change needs to happen, sometime between beginning to date and being married. No exact time but if it isn't happening naturally, you are not in the right marriage-mindset to commit. No one should want to marry you.

Entirely wrong-headed response.

I agree that the previous response seems insane to me. I have a very good friend who's a man, and my brother has a best friend who's a woman. If you're strong in your relationship it shouldn't matter.

I also agree with the people who say that your girlfriend has a lot of baggage.

1. Are any of you married.

2. A good friend is different from a bff

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a woman, so may be a bit different, but here it goes. Before I got married, I had lots of male friends. Female too, but it was mostly a situation where she is a girlfriend or wife of my friend. If they break up, the guy stays.

A week before our wedding my husband told me that he is very, very uncomfortable with one of my friends (no real reason, we were never involved and this wasn’t even a super close friendship). So, yeah, I “prioritized” the husband and dropped a friend, NBD, besides my husband allegedly was cheated on before by a woman, so it was understandable, right? Then more requests /demands followed. Then it wasn’t just the guys but also “trashy” women.

Bottom line, if you want to know how people end up completely isolated in abusive relationships, that’s how. You boil slowly, although YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a woman doesn't want to date a man with female friends, she should pick a man without female friends.

It's incredibly controlling and insecure to try and get someone to drop their friends after you've started dating. Just like it would be controlling and crazy for a vegan to date a meat eater, and then decide a month in that they want the meat eater to be vegan.

Just find someone compatible with your values. If you are the type to drop a friend because of someone elses insecurities, you are a bad friend and don't deserve their friendship anyways.

This. I posted my story above. The demands and control will only escalate. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have several female friends and one very good friend of over 16 years. It's ALWAYS a problem for me when dating and a problem for her about half the time. I wish I had a solution for you. I'd say, introduce them and let her see she's no threat but it sounds like you've already done that.

One day you will either get together with the very good friend or you will decide that the girlfriend relationship is serious enough to prioritize the girlfriend over the “very good friend” but until then, no need to back burner the very good friend.

Exactly. Relationships in priorities change. What's funny to me is all these bestie gal women are quick to drop their female friends once they get a serious boyfriend or husband or kids hate their mils and sils because priorities!!!. But the suggestion that she's no longer the priority in her guy friends life sends them into a tizzy talking about I came first!

I say this as someone who has guy friends. I've never had a problem falling back. I want him to succeed and enjoy his relationship. He should pick her every time because we're just friends and if she's crazy and controlling he will figure it out.

It's also not crazy and controlling to not want your so to go on solo trips . Because it's not just about the actual act of cheating but the appearance of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a woman doesn't want to date a man with female friends, she should pick a man without female friends.

It's incredibly controlling and insecure to try and get someone to drop their friends after you've started dating. Just like it would be controlling and crazy for a vegan to date a meat eater, and then decide a month in that they want the meat eater to be vegan.

Just find someone compatible with your values. If you are the type to drop a friend because of someone elses insecurities, you are a bad friend and don't deserve their friendship anyways.

Again where did it say gf said to drop the friend?

It says she hasn't issued an ultimatum yet, but that she's said "she's not comfortable" with it. If she's not comfortable with someone else's friends, that's her own issue. OP doesn't need to do anything. OP shouldn't get involved with someone with more red flags than china. If she can deal with the friend (as he says she's been cordial), then no issue. If she starts getting huffy when OP texts or hangs out with his friends, or starts complaining or asking him to stop, then it's a problem.

Insecure people often act out and try to force other people to compensate for their insecurities. Life doesn't work that way. These are the type of people who get jealous if you hug your sister or interact with women at their work.

Bottom line, if you don't trust your partner (as OPs gf doesnt trust him), there is no point to staying in the relationship. He's done nothing (according to him) to warrant any sort of uncomfortability around his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have several female friends and one very good friend of over 16 years. It's ALWAYS a problem for me when dating and a problem for her about half the time. I wish I had a solution for you. I'd say, introduce them and let her see she's no threat but it sounds like you've already done that.

One day you will either get together with the very good friend or you will decide that the girlfriend relationship is serious enough to prioritize the girlfriend over the “very good friend” but until then, no need to back burner the very good friend.

Exactly. Relationships in priorities change. What's funny to me is all these bestie gal women are quick to drop their female friends once they get a serious boyfriend or husband or kids hate their mils and sils because priorities!!!. But the suggestion that she's no longer the priority in her guy friends life sends them into a tizzy talking about I came first!

I say this as someone who has guy friends. I've never had a problem falling back. I want him to succeed and enjoy his relationship. He should pick her every time because we're just friends and if she's crazy and controlling he will figure it out.

It's also not crazy and controlling to not want your so to go on solo trips . Because it's not just about the actual act of cheating but the appearance of.

This doesn't even make sense. Unless you're 15, women don't drop their friends when they get a serious boyfriend or husband or kids. Perhaps they are busy being a mom and caring for their child, but that's not dropping a female friend. And what does hating mils and sils have to do with anything? And solo trips too? You sound like one of these red flag women who are insecure and try to keep their spouse under their thumb at all times.

[Anonymous]

How about having a bestie gal pal that you had previously dated for several years and had a sexual relationship with? Would this change things? Would her feelings of being uncomfortable be more valid or should this be the case with ANY female friend or bestie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you're married - no. No woman as a best friend. As to when that change needs to happen, sometime between beginning to date and being married. No exact time but if it isn't happening naturally, you are not in the right marriage-mindset to commit. No one should want to marry you.

Agreed. Female friend is find best friend absolutely not. Some women have to learn this the hard way.

No. Female here whose male best friend was in the wedding party.

If DH didn’t have the emotional maturity to navigate opposite gender friendships, that would have been a red flag.

It would be a red flag that your best friend isn't the person that you plan on spending the rest of your life with. It would be a red flag to me that you prioritize the feelings over your spouse's. I guess some people aren't in marriage for the long haul

I feel the same. Your best friend should be the person that you want to spend your life with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a woman doesn't want to date a man with female friends, she should pick a man without female friends.

It's incredibly controlling and insecure to try and get someone to drop their friends after you've started dating. Just like it would be controlling and crazy for a vegan to date a meat eater, and then decide a month in that they want the meat eater to be vegan.

Just find someone compatible with your values. If you are the type to drop a friend because of someone elses insecurities, you are a bad friend and don't deserve their friendship anyways.

Again where did it say gf said to drop the friend?

It says she hasn't issued an ultimatum yet, but that she's said "she's not comfortable" with it. If she's not comfortable with someone else's friends, that's her own issue. OP doesn't need to do anything. OP shouldn't get involved with someone with more red flags than china. If she can deal with the friend (as he says she's been cordial), then no issue. If she starts getting huffy when OP texts or hangs out with his friends, or starts complaining or asking him to stop, then it's a problem.

Insecure people often act out and try to force other people to compensate for their insecurities. Life doesn't work that way. These are the type of people who get jealous if you hug your sister or interact with women at their work.

Bottom line, if you don't trust your partner (as OPs gf doesnt trust him), there is no point to staying in the relationship. He's done nothing (according to him) to warrant any sort of uncomfortability around his friends.

Right so no ultimatum.

It also says she's cordial to the friend.

Relationships require work and compromise.
Deciding to walk the minute your partner is expresses an uncomfortable emotion is immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you're married - no. No woman as a best friend. As to when that change needs to happen, sometime between beginning to date and being married. No exact time but if it isn't happening naturally, you are not in the right marriage-mindset to commit. No one should want to marry you.

Agreed. Female friend is find best friend absolutely not. Some women have to learn this the hard way.

No. Female here whose male best friend was in the wedding party.

If DH didn’t have the emotional maturity to navigate opposite gender friendships, that would have been a red flag.

It would be a red flag that your best friend isn't the person that you plan on spending the rest of your life with. It would be a red flag to me that you prioritize the feelings over your spouse's. I guess some people aren't in marriage for the long haul

I feel the same. Your best friend should be the person that you want to spend your life with.

Same. I know people have different views and expectations of marriage, but I literally could not have married DH if he was my best friend, each other's best friends. And he had female friends when we met, but it was pretty clear from the beginning what his feelings were about me and his friends were supportive of that. And for my part I enjoyed meeting his friends.. and now we all hang out as couples which is the natural progression of things.

As for the op, I say where do you see this relationship going?. Is she just someone to pass the time with? If you're serious about her then maybe a few sessions of couples counseling are worth it

It sounds like your gf is trying to do the work and sometimes a supportive partner can help with that.

Also, I noticed that you mentioned your gf being nice to your friend but nothing about the friend's behavior?

Is she nice to your gf?

Some women have this weird hierarchy and territorial thing where they aren't nice to the new woman.

Is your friend single?

Have any of your exes had a problem with her?

So keep your eyes open

But if you can honestly say she's just a friend.
Both women are respectful and you are being respectful of your girlfriend. Maybe it's just growing pains and it will all sort itself out.