What level of conversation is normal at the dinner table?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married poorly.

Well thanks for telling me what I already know. Do you copy and paste this to add to every thread while you gloat about your great life?

Yes. They pretty much do. On every thread. About all marriage issues. We are supposed to have a crystal ball to precisely predict what these men will be like in 10, 20, 30 years.

Ignore. There is often useful advice as well. Focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married poorly.

Well thanks for telling me what I already know. Do you copy and paste this to add to every thread while you gloat about your great life?

Yes. They pretty much do. On every thread. About all marriage issues. We are supposed to have a crystal ball to precisely predict what these men will be like in 10, 20, 30 years.

Ignore. There is often useful advice as well. Focus on that.

+1. People change.
My husband used to have friends and even invite couples over for drinks/dinner in our 20s. Now at 40 hell would freeze over before he would open our home to someone who wasn't a blood relative. "I'm just a homebody and I like being with the family."
Anyway to OP, I grew up with a dad like this and my sister and I turned out fine. My dad sometimes complains now that we never talk to him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married poorly.

Well thanks for telling me what I already know. Do you copy and paste this to add to every thread while you gloat about your great life?

Yes. They pretty much do. On every thread. About all marriage issues. We are supposed to have a crystal ball to precisely predict what these men will be like in 10, 20, 30 years.

Ignore. There is often useful advice as well. Focus on that.

No marriage is perfect forever. People on here being smug about other people’s marriages are tempting fate.

[Anonymous]

OP this could be my DH minus the actual diagnosis. Phones certainly don't help - they allow someone to really check out completely. But even before that - I was really shocked eating meals with his family. Mine are talkers, we have conversations about current events, books and movies, extended family gossip, politics, whatever. His are silent. Meals are silent and so are just hours that pass at their home, besides TV. He really just didn't grow up conversing. It was crazy to me at the time because we were friends and he seemed extroverted and in social settings with friends he could talk for hours. He's still okay in most social settings like kids school and neighborhood parents, etc.

It's really home that's noticeable. We have very few real conversations (besides logistics stuff) and same re kids (beyond their needs).

I like the PP family that plays cards. Maybe other ways to interact and bond could be more fruitful. To that PP - what card games do you play with your kids / what ages?

[Anonymous]

OP and my ILs meals shocked me too. If it’s at home, you just hear utensils and chewing.

I always try to go to restaurants with them so we have wait staff to talk to and background noise.

Like you, I spent my early relationship in settings in which DH conversed a lot. It really wasn’t until we had a baby that he just stopped talking. I think he got impatient with baby silence and then chatter and decided there was no reason to try.

[Anonymous]

If you're exhausted from asking questions, just stop.
It's not that deep. Give your DH and DD some peace,

If there's information you need to know, tell them what they need to report every day, and give them a written reminder.

Be glad that your job is so relaxing that you're ready for a dinner party ever night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My HFA didn't even eat with us at all in the end. Outside he acted like every other person.
He could go days without talking at home, giving silent treatment. Then kicked the bed to get my attention and say something he needed. Zero ability to say what he liked or not. He just went silent, made gurgling noises, even locked me out. I love how they say that the world should be made for ASD. Yeah, let's all lock each other out.
Had I known his diagnoses, I would not have gone anywhere near him. I left and it got worse. He clearly didn't want me to leave, but it became unbearable to me. I gave him a change to get it together, but he was unable. He was not in charge of his feeling or thinking. He is no more, but family acts like he was simply a narcissist.
You are asking a lot from him. You have to become the specialist of his HFA and work with him.

This sounds awful but please don't equate this to not meeting people's needs with Autism. Would you say the same of a blind person? Or a person in a wheelchair? Reasonable assistance is warrented!

I wish you the best

A blind person can’t choose to see. A disabled person can’t choose to walk. A person with autism can choose to socialize—as is evident with the term “masking”—so when the person only chooses to do that in public and shuts out his family entirely then that’s very much a choice and very different from being blind. I get that it’s tiring/uncomfortable for them, but that goes for introverts and people with anxiety—doesn’t mean they get a pass to shut out the people they love because they’re uncomfortable.

You have very little understanding of the dynamics of the autistic mind and what is reasonable and not reasonable.

- Doctor and sibling of Level 1 ASD individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My HFA didn't even eat with us at all in the end. Outside he acted like every other person.
He could go days without talking at home, giving silent treatment. Then kicked the bed to get my attention and say something he needed. Zero ability to say what he liked or not. He just went silent, made gurgling noises, even locked me out. I love how they say that the world should be made for ASD. Yeah, let's all lock each other out.
Had I known his diagnoses, I would not have gone anywhere near him. I left and it got worse. He clearly didn't want me to leave, but it became unbearable to me. I gave him a change to get it together, but he was unable. He was not in charge of his feeling or thinking. He is no more, but family acts like he was simply a narcissist.
You are asking a lot from him. You have to become the specialist of his HFA and work with him.

This sounds awful but please don't equate this to not meeting people's needs with Autism. Would you say the same of a blind person? Or a person in a wheelchair? Reasonable assistance is warrented!

I wish you the best

A blind person can’t choose to see. A disabled person can’t choose to walk. A person with autism can choose to socialize—as is evident with the term “masking”—so when the person only chooses to do that in public and shuts out his family entirely then that’s very much a choice and very different from being blind. I get that it’s tiring/uncomfortable for them, but that goes for introverts and people with anxiety—doesn’t mean they get a pass to shut out the people they love because they’re uncomfortable.

You have very little understanding of the dynamics of the autistic mind and what is reasonable and not reasonable.

- Doctor and sibling of Level 1 ASD individual.

+1. The PP seems to imply that people with autism can just turn their disability on and off. We would understand how a person in a wheelchair that’s been using their arms all day to move their wheelchair around and compensate for their legs and torso not working to be tired and need a break at the end of the day.

Similar scenario with those with autism. So please get a grip on your anger toward your ex and stop blaming him for your disappointments in how he’s able or not able to show up for your family. He didn’t ask for this disability and is showing up in the exact way we’d expect him to given his neurological differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My HFA didn't even eat with us at all in the end. Outside he acted like every other person.
He could go days without talking at home, giving silent treatment. Then kicked the bed to get my attention and say something he needed. Zero ability to say what he liked or not. He just went silent, made gurgling noises, even locked me out. I love how they say that the world should be made for ASD. Yeah, let's all lock each other out.
Had I known his diagnoses, I would not have gone anywhere near him. I left and it got worse. He clearly didn't want me to leave, but it became unbearable to me. I gave him a change to get it together, but he was unable. He was not in charge of his feeling or thinking. He is no more, but family acts like he was simply a narcissist.
You are asking a lot from him. You have to become the specialist of his HFA and work with him.

This sounds awful but please don't equate this to not meeting people's needs with Autism. Would you say the same of a blind person? Or a person in a wheelchair? Reasonable assistance is warrented!

I wish you the best

A blind person can’t choose to see. A disabled person can’t choose to walk. A person with autism can choose to socialize—as is evident with the term “masking”—so when the person only chooses to do that in public and shuts out his family entirely then that’s very much a choice and very different from being blind. I get that it’s tiring/uncomfortable for them, but that goes for introverts and people with anxiety—doesn’t mean they get a pass to shut out the people they love because they’re uncomfortable.

You have very little understanding of the dynamics of the autistic mind and what is reasonable and not reasonable.

- Doctor and sibling of Level 1 ASD individual.

+1. The PP seems to imply that people with autism can just turn their disability on and off. We would understand how a person in a wheelchair that’s been using their arms all day to move their wheelchair around and compensate for their legs and torso not working to be tired and need a break at the end of the day.

Similar scenario with those with autism. So please get a grip on your anger toward your ex and stop blaming him for your disappointments in how he’s able or not able to show up for your family. He didn’t ask for this disability and is showing up in the exact way we’d expect him to given his neurological differences.

I think that points to a failure on the responsibility of the adult with ASD. If they don't have a diagnosis before they're married, it's understandable that they would feel like it's not "their fault" that they can't meet the expectations of their neurotypical spouse. But on the other hand, if you are in a relationship and learn that your autism is impacting the basic functioning of your family, then it does seem like you have a responsibility to stretch beyond what is easy or comfortable in order to meet your family's emotional needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My HFA didn't even eat with us at all in the end. Outside he acted like every other person.
He could go days without talking at home, giving silent treatment. Then kicked the bed to get my attention and say something he needed. Zero ability to say what he liked or not. He just went silent, made gurgling noises, even locked me out. I love how they say that the world should be made for ASD. Yeah, let's all lock each other out.
Had I known his diagnoses, I would not have gone anywhere near him. I left and it got worse. He clearly didn't want me to leave, but it became unbearable to me. I gave him a change to get it together, but he was unable. He was not in charge of his feeling or thinking. He is no more, but family acts like he was simply a narcissist.
You are asking a lot from him. You have to become the specialist of his HFA and work with him.

This sounds awful but please don't equate this to not meeting people's needs with Autism. Would you say the same of a blind person? Or a person in a wheelchair? Reasonable assistance is warrented!

I wish you the best

A blind person can’t choose to see. A disabled person can’t choose to walk. A person with autism can choose to socialize—as is evident with the term “masking”—so when the person only chooses to do that in public and shuts out his family entirely then that’s very much a choice and very different from being blind. I get that it’s tiring/uncomfortable for them, but that goes for introverts and people with anxiety—doesn’t mean they get a pass to shut out the people they love because they’re uncomfortable.

I have a good friend/co-worker who is nearly blind. She can use little tricks, sounds, a magnifier on her phone, asking people at work to clarify what they are bringing her, taking Ubers to meet with friends, etc. in order to get around in the world. A lot of people at work don’t know she is blind.
When we started getting together socially she did these things with me at first, but now she will hold my arm when we cross the street, ask me to read a menu at a restaurant, etc. I’m sure that when she is just with her husband and kids, she just asks for what she needs.

You can call what she does “masking.” But I don’t understand why this has such a negative connotation. Trying to act like everyone else in social and work situations seems like a totally normal and even positive thing to do.

[Anonymous]

What do you want from an hfa person. And his parents are probably hfa as well or some such. Why are you trying to compare them to average people?!