16 year old bf/gf - supervision

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is a guest in our house and not somebody I need to monitor.

We have a large basement and a nice backyard. They can hang out there as much as they want without me monitoring them.

They’re not going upstairs cause it’s just not comfortable our bedrooms aren’t a big places to hang out.

I’ve spoken to my child about being loving and respectful and using condoms. My expectation is that her parents are doing the same.

If her parents have rules, they can call me and I can implement them, but that’s never happened with any of my children.

There is no alcohol that is accessible from me.

This. I’ll parent my child, you parent yours, if you have specific rules call me, and even better discuss it with your teen. I’m fine if they want to hang out in the bedroom and close the door, or have sex past 16. I won’t facilitate, but also I’m not going to police it either. Barging in unannounced in the basement or bedroom sounds silly.

Cue in the moral outrage.

Doesn’t sound like you parent

Seriously... it's one thing to decide you won't be the sex police, another thing to encourage it. They're kids!

Before you get worked up further I specifically said I won’t facilitate it. If you don’t know what it means look it up in the dictionary.

Do you provide them with condoms and lube?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time before they come over provide a large box of condoms - enough for them to make mistakes with - and several tubes of lube… be tactful, in a basket or something with a sweet note about romance. Better they start the right way now before winding up in the backseat of their car being watched by tramps somewhere in Loudon.

Maybe sit down with the girls parents and map out where both families feel sexual activity is appropriate - doesn’t make sense to have different rules in different houses.

You can’t be serious. If I am this 16 YO girls mother, I would immediately peg you as a creep. And I would keep my daughter from seeing your son.

[Anonymous]

I understand having rules but I think a lot of people use the bedroom and open door thing as a way around having a conversation about rules on sexual activity and in general. I don’t think that will work and I also think it’s disrespectful to the kids. I think you have to make rules about sexual activity. Then you don’t have to worry so much about rooms and doors, but if you want you can layer them on in context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time before they come over provide a large box of condoms - enough for them to make mistakes with - and several tubes of lube… be tactful, in a basket or something with a sweet note about romance. Better they start the right way now before winding up in the backseat of their car being watched by tramps somewhere in Loudon.

Maybe sit down with the girls parents and map out where both families feel sexual activity is appropriate - doesn’t make sense to have different rules in different houses.

You can’t be serious. If I am this 16 YO girls mother, I would immediately peg you as a creep. And I would keep my daughter from seeing your son.

And if you reacted so poorly as you're doing, I would immediately peg you as a repressed weirdo intent on causing harm to our children's sexual health. What is so wrong about encouraging sex positivity and common rules?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time before they come over provide a large box of condoms - enough for them to make mistakes with - and several tubes of lube… be tactful, in a basket or something with a sweet note about romance. Better they start the right way now before winding up in the backseat of their car being watched by tramps somewhere in Loudon.

Maybe sit down with the girls parents and map out where both families feel sexual activity is appropriate - doesn’t make sense to have different rules in different houses.

You can’t be serious. If I am this 16 YO girls mother, I would immediately peg you as a creep. And I would keep my daughter from seeing your son.

And that’s exactly why she should do this. The girl’s parents may seem lax and uncaring, but they have a right to know what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time before they come over provide a large box of condoms - enough for them to make mistakes with - and several tubes of lube… be tactful, in a basket or something with a sweet note about romance. Better they start the right way now before winding up in the backseat of their car being watched by tramps somewhere in Loudon.

Maybe sit down with the girls parents and map out where both families feel sexual activity is appropriate - doesn’t make sense to have different rules in different houses.

You can’t be serious. If I am this 16 YO girls mother, I would immediately peg you as a creep. And I would keep my daughter from seeing your son.

And that’s exactly why she should do this. The girl’s parents may seem lax and uncaring, but they have a right to know what is going on.

Approach it with kindness, clarity and decency—describe your concerns about their activities and discuss the possibility of splitting the condoms/lube cost between the two sets of parents.

[Anonymous]

I keep condoms and plan b accessible in my house from the start of high school onward. Young teens need stay in common areas or bedrooms with doors open (small house so not a lot privacy regardless) when a parent is home and older teens can have a bit more privacy with shutting the door and hanging out without parents home. Ask for nothing sexual to happen when anyone else is home and to always shut/lock the door if it is going to happen.

This comes after years of positive sex ed and discussions of consent & repercussions of sex. Telling my kids they need to wait until they feel safe and mature enough to engage in sex. Preventing your child from having sex in a safe environment doesn’t stop them. Giving boundaries and teaching teens how to be safe and respectful is the best way to parent. If your teen wants to have sex they will and they will do it wherever they are able to. If you are unwilling to accept that you aren’t mature enough to parent teens.

And not that it matters but my teen isn’t sexually active yet. But they know how to be safe and keep a partner safe. And they have friends with sexually repressed parents who come to them for condoms and once for a plan b.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep condoms and plan b accessible in my house from the start of high school onward. Young teens need stay in common areas or bedrooms with doors open (small house so not a lot privacy regardless) when a parent is home and older teens can have a bit more privacy with shutting the door and hanging out without parents home. Ask for nothing sexual to happen when anyone else is home and to always shut/lock the door if it is going to happen.

This comes after years of positive sex ed and discussions of consent & repercussions of sex. Telling my kids they need to wait until they feel safe and mature enough to engage in sex. Preventing your child from having sex in a safe environment doesn’t stop them. Giving boundaries and teaching teens how to be safe and respectful is the best way to parent. If your teen wants to have sex they will and they will do it wherever they are able to. If you are unwilling to accept that you aren’t mature enough to parent teens.

And not that it matters but my teen isn’t sexually active yet. But they know how to be safe and keep a partner safe. And they have friends with sexually repressed parents who come to them for condoms and once for a plan b.

Oh you sweet girl

[Anonymous]

My 17 yo has been good friends with both boys she has dated seriously. So it was harder to set extra boundaries once I figured out it had moved to a romantic relationship. She’s been in co Ed friend groups since 5th grade.

First time both parents had open door rules but they had sex anyway. now this second time - mid junior year and it was with a boy she’d been friends with since age 14 - I didn’t bother with all that. The second time and maturity difference is pretty big, this time.

I’d do your best to keep any boundaries you can (I’d let them have privacy in phone calls tho!! That suggestion is ridiculous) but don’t expect you can stop them either. Buy condoms for his bathroom “for him and his friends”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 17 yo has been good friends with both boys she has dated seriously. So it was harder to set extra boundaries once I figured out it had moved to a romantic relationship. She’s been in co Ed friend groups since 5th grade.

First time both parents had open door rules but they had sex anyway. now this second time - mid junior year and it was with a boy she’d been friends with since age 14 - I didn’t bother with all that. The second time and maturity difference is pretty big, this time.

I’d do your best to keep any boundaries you can (I’d let them have privacy in phone calls tho!! That suggestion is ridiculous) but don’t expect you can stop them either. Buy condoms for his bathroom “for him and his friends”

So you just let them bang now?

Isn't that weird to have going on while you're trying to watch tv?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep condoms and plan b accessible in my house from the start of high school onward. Young teens need stay in common areas or bedrooms with doors open (small house so not a lot privacy regardless) when a parent is home and older teens can have a bit more privacy with shutting the door and hanging out without parents home. Ask for nothing sexual to happen when anyone else is home and to always shut/lock the door if it is going to happen.

This comes after years of positive sex ed and discussions of consent & repercussions of sex. Telling my kids they need to wait until they feel safe and mature enough to engage in sex. Preventing your child from having sex in a safe environment doesn’t stop them. Giving boundaries and teaching teens how to be safe and respectful is the best way to parent. If your teen wants to have sex they will and they will do it wherever they are able to. If you are unwilling to accept that you aren’t mature enough to parent teens.

And not that it matters but my teen isn’t sexually active yet. But they know how to be safe and keep a partner safe. And they have friends with sexually repressed parents who come to them for condoms and once for a plan b.

So I DO have sexually active teens and I disagree with most of this, not philosophically (I would have felt it was reasonable in theory, before I was in this situation) but in practice. I am not ok with my 16 yo having sex and do not want it happening in my home, whether I am here or not. It's too young. It's too risky because they are so young and in some ways, clueless. I feel similarly about smoking marijuana - it's not evil or a terrible, but it's a bad idea at this age and I'm not going to provide a venue for it.

The biggest problem is you cannot count on the other kid's family sharing your values, at all. You can only manage your own kid, to the extent you can. But it makes it very risky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep condoms and plan b accessible in my house from the start of high school onward. Young teens need stay in common areas or bedrooms with doors open (small house so not a lot privacy regardless) when a parent is home and older teens can have a bit more privacy with shutting the door and hanging out without parents home. Ask for nothing sexual to happen when anyone else is home and to always shut/lock the door if it is going to happen.

This comes after years of positive sex ed and discussions of consent & repercussions of sex. Telling my kids they need to wait until they feel safe and mature enough to engage in sex. Preventing your child from having sex in a safe environment doesn’t stop them. Giving boundaries and teaching teens how to be safe and respectful is the best way to parent. If your teen wants to have sex they will and they will do it wherever they are able to. If you are unwilling to accept that you aren’t mature enough to parent teens.

And not that it matters but my teen isn’t sexually active yet. But they know how to be safe and keep a partner safe. And they have friends with sexually repressed parents who come to them for condoms and once for a plan b.

So I DO have sexually active teens and I disagree with most of this, not philosophically (I would have felt it was reasonable in theory, before I was in this situation) but in practice. I am not ok with my 16 yo having sex and do not want it happening in my home, whether I am here or not. It's too young. It's too risky because they are so young and in some ways, clueless. I feel similarly about smoking marijuana - it's not evil or a terrible, but it's a bad idea at this age and I'm not going to provide a venue for it.

The biggest problem is you cannot count on the other kid's family sharing your values, at all. You can only manage your own kid, to the extent you can. But it makes it very risky.

If they are sexually active where do you expect them to have sex? In the woods, parking lot at Walmart, school bathroom? That is more risky than doing it while nobody is at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 17 yo has been good friends with both boys she has dated seriously. So it was harder to set extra boundaries once I figured out it had moved to a romantic relationship. She’s been in co Ed friend groups since 5th grade.

First time both parents had open door rules but they had sex anyway. now this second time - mid junior year and it was with a boy she’d been friends with since age 14 - I didn’t bother with all that. The second time and maturity difference is pretty big, this time.

I’d do your best to keep any boundaries you can (I’d let them have privacy in phone calls tho!! That suggestion is ridiculous) but don’t expect you can stop them either. Buy condoms for his bathroom “for him and his friends”

I don’t understand this open door rule as if it’s going to prevent teens from having sex. It’s only meant for calming the nerves of anxious parents so they feel like they are parenting. The teens will easily find a way at another house, when you’re not at home etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you spoken to your son about consent and condoms?

Our neighbors sat both their son and his gf down for this discussion, as well as "what if?" Her parents were fine with that.

Op, no to his bedroom. Check on them frequently if they are in the basement. Dh used to call down "Is everyone dressed?" as he went downstairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you spoken to your son about consent and condoms?

Our neighbors sat both their son and his gf down for this discussion, as well as "what if?" Her parents were fine with that.

Op, no to his bedroom. Check on them frequently if they are in the basement. Dh used to call down "Is everyone dressed?" as he went downstairs.

Why not have all four parents?