Does everyone deserve a soulmate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been observing the dating habits of my undergrad and grad students for over twenty years and there’s this expression “there is a lid for every pot.” I have had some students that seem bizarre and eccentric and quirky and they will turn up and tell everyone about their engagement and they have truly found someone who gets them. It’s not about being the prettiest or making the most money. I do think everyone deserves to find someone who gets them and for the most part that person is out there.

Bizarre and eccentric does not prevent finding love at all. Narcissism, for example, does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I spent a few years working in a developing country where a significant portion of the population lives in grinding poverty, and even in the middle and upper classes, most people are paired up in marriages arranged by their families, often between cousins. It's an honor-shame culture in which divorce is often not permitted by families of the woman even in cases of domestic violence, and women are honor-killed with some regularity. Domestic violence is common and seemed to be accepted by many people. I had a colleague who was educated in the West and successful in her career, but married to a man who, every few months or so, would beat her violently. She stayed with him and while she would complain about his abuse, between batterings she spoke of him and their family as if it were normal. We had one deep conversation once where I asked her, after a beating, why she didn't just leave, and she said that when he first started beating her early in their marriage, she had asked her parents to go home and they said that if she did, they and she would be socially shunned, so no. I pointed out that she could get a job overseas, and she said that she didn't want to separate her young son from his father because the son loved his dad so much (even though the dad beat the mom regularly). This was really how she thought. And I think many people in the world are in that situation. Marriage and love are viewed very differently in many parts of the world.

And I thought a lot about how we view love and marriage in the West. I concluded that "soulmates" are a luxury most people in the world don't even consider.

In our culture, we just have choices and the advantages of choice and education and options, but in the end, many of the love and soulmates fall apart after children.

I think that really meeting a soulmate is super rare. We in the West are all trying to find one, but most of us don't, even if we thought we did at some point.

If beautiful and highly successful people were more likely to find soulmates, I don't think we would see so many divorces in celebrity/politician/pro athlete circles?

So maybe we all have the potential to find a soulmate, but most of us just...don't.

Abusive people don’t find soulmates. Understanding people do. Beautiful and highly successful people are not more likely to find soulmates. They are not more likely to be understanding or abusive than anyone else.

PP, what country were you in? One country famous for abusive arranged marriages is also famous for its entrainment industry: Bollywood, with all of its love stories.

Finding love is just as worthy as earning wealth. It’s not limited to the rich. The poor find love too. Holy air ball money and beauty as the reasons why are off the mark.

My point is that "soulmates" wasn't a concept or goal in that culture. Some of the people were beautiful, some were highly successful; neither beauty nor success prevented them from being abusive or becoming victims of abuse. Then again, what you and I classify as "abuse" was normalized within that culture.

Not the culture you mention, but a culture existing in the country geographically near that one.

Also, Bollywood movies are problematic in many ways: there is a pattern of the man pestering/harassing/stalking the woman, ignoring her "no" or her stated lack of interest in him, until she eventually realizes that she loves the pest/stalker who harassed her. It's a problem with broader societal implications:

https://yaledailynews.com/sjp/2021/08/28/is-bollywood-romanticizing-harassment/
https://www.firstpost.com/opinion/banality-of-evil-why-bollywood-and-society-need-to-stop-trivialising-normalising-and-rationalising-stalking-12204232.html
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-07-24/court-told-bollywood-influenced-stalker/5620644

"Soulmates" and "love" as we understand those concepts don't exist, or are understood very differently in other cultures. They aren't universal. I think we are very lucky in the West to have the freedom of options and independence for women, but that's all.

[Anonymous]

Had you asked me this a year and a half ago, I'd have said soulmates don't exist. I've always been non religious, non spiritual, logistical, science-loving, pragmatic. But I've met someone whose existence challenges all of my lifelong theories. So who knows.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm very sympathetic to what you are saying because I often feel the same way. I didn't have the best family or childhood, and I don't feel like I'm the "best person" in part because I've had to work hard just to be a functional person.

I feel like people who grow up feeling very loved and nurtured in their relationships with parents and siblings are better at finding/picking mates who will also be loving and nurturing. I didn't have that so I had no idea.

It's hard at midlife to think about these things. It's like the adage "the rich get richer" only instead of financial wealth, these people are rich in love and community. I come from a long line of neglected children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Not everyone will find their soul mate. Many will settle; some stay single until they die.

unfortunately this is right, it can be reduced to a sentence and this is the one.

However I also agree with a PP who said to find the right person you first need to know yourself well, which most people dont, or like me, by the time they do ships have sailed...so settling was a great option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a juvenile concept. Souls don’t even exist. It’s a longing to heal all your wounds from being raised in a family where you were fully seen and fulfilled. You’ll need to unpack that and move on from this silly fairytale idea.

Attachments do exist. Strong, exhilarating love exists even in the elderly proved by MRIs. Their brains light up differently when they see their beloved.

Where did PP say attachments don’t exist?? It’s silly to think you have a soul that was given to you at birth or wandering around until it inhabited your body and it is somehow “meant to be” with another one of these souls.

You’re being too literal.

Oh brother. It’s like how religious people keep moving the goalposts by reinterpreting everything when they realize it’s stupid AF.

[Anonymous]

Pat and Tricky Dick were soulmates.
Your notion that only the best get them is flawed and reflects your own sense of low self esteem. You settled.

[Anonymous]

I think there are soulmates out there for everyone.

You just settled before you found yours. You made a choice, and you chose to have a warm body instead of being lonely.

It's just compatibility IMO. If you hold out for the right person, you know it feels right. But you might miss out on other milestones. Only you can know if settling is the right choice. Again, all choices we make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been observing the dating habits of my undergrad and grad students for over twenty years and there’s this expression “there is a lid for every pot.” I have had some students that seem bizarre and eccentric and quirky and they will turn up and tell everyone about their engagement and they have truly found someone who gets them. It’s not about being the prettiest or making the most money. I do think everyone deserves to find someone who gets them and for the most part that person is out there.

Bizarre and eccentric does not prevent finding love at all. Narcissism, for example, does.

My narcissist uncle got three different women to marry him so...

[Anonymous]

I don't believe in soul mates. The women I know who are happily married will be happily married even if you switched their spouses. I don't even know what happily looks like for men so can't answer from their persoective.

There is a lot of luck involved in marriage, but people who tend to marry well are people who are honest with themselves about what they want in a lifelong partner. A lot of people just go with the flow and choose based on what society wants or what their family expects. And people who are honest with themselves don't pretend to be someone else so they tend to attract people who like them just the way they are.

It gets more complicated if one is worth millions of dollars since people with ulterior motives flock towards them. It's also complicated for women who are extremely attractive because men will love bomb them and move heaven and earth to get them and then reveal their true colors. For these two groups of people, they have to be more careful with choosing someone.

For most of us average people, we need to be honest about what we want and who we are. And we need to be ok with not getting married if we do not find what we are looking for. Once you are okay with not getting married, you move faster through the mismatches and increase your chances of coming across a good match. Add a little bit of luck, and we are good.

[Anonymous]

I don't know about "deserve", but I think finding a fulfilling life partnership has a lot to do with luck and patience. I met my DH in grad school. We were friendly acquaintances for years before we started dating, and we became serious quickly. Still, though, I didn't rush into things. I wanted to be "sure" about our relationship...even though my mom and sister were pressuring me that I was getting older and he wouldn't wait forever.

I was lucky to meet DH at all. But I take some credit both for giving myself space to be "sure" and also for giving our relationship space to grow without the pressure of marriage/forever.

I think in OP's case, maybe you lacked confidence to believe that the "right" person would love you back. All I can tell you is that DH is very different, and much kinder, than anyone else I ever dated. You only have to find one person.

[Anonymous]

No, and there's no such thing as a soulmate anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I'm phrasing this in a way that matches my thoughts so bear with me. I'm a very average person in a not-too-happy marriage. When I was still single and dating, I connected with a lot of people but the people who I found interesting, funny, supportive or attractive were people who were less interested in me. I was pretty rational about dating after that and one could argue that I settled after grad school and/or that I was realistic about how assortative mating works.

But a few threads today have me thinking: are soulmates something that exist for everyone, or only the very best people? And I don't mean the most attractive or smart, but the kindest or most hard-working or from good and caring families or whatever? Everyone who I know who talks about having a soulmate seems really privileged even before they found their soulmate- they were beautiful, or athletic, or wealthy, or came from a great neighborhood or family, or all of the above. And their soulmate matched their best attributes 1 for 1.

I'm a very flawed person. I'm nice but socially awkward, I'm healthy but don't have a remarkable body, and I have a plain face. I'm generous and careful with my friendships and relationships but not bubbly or fun so my circle has always been smaller. But even when I met similarly flawed people they seemed to date even more flawed people than me, so I wonder if they perceived themselves to be on the wrong side of assortative mating with me?

It's the people you are listening to. Not everyone uses this phrase or believes in it. It sounds like a form of bragging. Even soul mates would have arguments and life challenges; I mean, so what? Marriage is never perfect and peoplefind mates in many ways and for different reasons. Love ebbs and flows in time. Some people like to brag about their relationships and this is one way to do it. Comparison is the thief of joy. Don't listen to this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Ask Zohran Mamdani, he’ll make it happen! Free housing, childcare, healthcare, groceries c and soul mates for all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about "deserve", but I think finding a fulfilling life partnership has a lot to do with luck and patience. I met my DH in grad school. We were friendly acquaintances for years before we started dating, and we became serious quickly. Still, though, I didn't rush into things. I wanted to be "sure" about our relationship...even though my mom and sister were pressuring me that I was getting older and he wouldn't wait forever.

I was lucky to meet DH at all. But I take some credit both for giving myself space to be "sure" and also for giving our relationship space to grow without the pressure of marriage/forever.

I think in OP's case, maybe you lacked confidence to believe that the "right" person would love you back. All I can tell you is that DH is very different, and much kinder, than anyone else I ever dated. You only have to find one person.

Love both of these bolded quotes.