Moms what marriage advice would you give your daughters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry and addict (alcoholic, porn, gambling, religion, sex, etc.)
Don't marry someone with a bad credit rating.
Don't marry someone with mental health problems or comes from a dysfunctional family.
Don't marry someone who has been divorced or has kids.

Marry someone who is hard working, honest, loyal, kind and shares your interests.

Divorced/kids is not ideal but would not be a 100% dealbreaker, but the rest of the list is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Watch how they interact with babies/kids, old people, and animals. That will tell you what you need to know.

I wish this was true in every case. My ex spouse was so caregiving with these groups and others that I thought he was good to the core. One day that changed.

My advice: I guess I’m glad I got married because I wanted to have kids in a marriage. But that fell apart in ways no one could have anticipated so just remember - nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition. No matter what be able to support yourself. My then-loving giving husband gave me all sorts of reassurances and promises and I believed him, but I still made my own money for a just in case scenario. Thank god I did.

[Anonymous]

• he must not play games and must let you know from the start he wants to be with you

• he must be fiscally responsible

• he must be kind, reach out when you have a disagreement, never ever name call or yell or constantly walk in front of you

• he must view you as a teammate

• he must believe in women's rights

• you have to have chemistry. If it's not there, decades in you will have no physical intimacy which is the glue that will hold you together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't. There isn't a damned thing you'll have, with certainty, in a marriage that you can't have in a relationship that isn't government-bound. It's a hell of a lot easier to leave a partner than it is to leave a spouse. Have you own affairs in order such that the "financial incentives" of marriage aren't a draw. No health insurance, cheaper rates, etc. are worth what you may end up going through as a person who needs to ask the government for permission to leave "your person" if/when they stop acting like they're actually your person.

So just don't. Have a life that belongs to you. Get an education, get a job you find meaningful and as satisfying as a job can be, have friends, travel, engage in relationships when you want to and LEAVE THEM when they're no longer aligned with your goals. Never let anyone mistreat you twice (and most people should get cut off after the first round; forgive them and LET THEM GO).

And take your birth control. Never trust that a man is going to have/use a condom.

Uh, if you have children, this is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t give up your career.

Work on maintaining sexual chemistry

Be patient but don’t compromise your standards

Save money

Don’t just get married because your “clock is ticking” or friends are all getting married.

Don’t ignore red flags

These are good. I'd combine it with PP's point that ultimately you can only control yourself, and if your husband flakes out, you will be strong and capable enough to peel yourself off the floor and rebuild your life.

This is good advice, but some of these issues don’t appear until later in life when there is a lot more pressure on you (supporting your family, raising kids, etc).

[Anonymous]

I agree with most of what has been said.

More than anything else, I’d tell my DD to take a very, very close look at the family and get to know them well enough to get a good read on things.. How is his relationship with his parents, siblings? If there are issues- why? Are his parents still married? If not- why? Any substance abuse or mental health issues in the family? How have those been handled? Any issues with abuse? Anything else that seems odd or strange? Every family will have its issues- absolutely, but I’d be more concerned with how those issues have been handled.

I’d also advise my DD to avoid anyone with any history of substance abuse or mental health issues. Which may sound terrible (people get treatment and change-yes!) but most relapse and/or it ends up being a life long issue.. I have compassion for this but…I care about my DD’s well being first and foremost. Just don’t sign up for this in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Marriage, at least between two relatively equivalently educated and employed adults, is easy. Parenting is hard. If your daughter's concept of/desire for marriage includes the possibility of children, she needs to do more than just establish that her potential spouse also wants children. The two of them to really get into the weeds about what their parental roles will look like, how child- and home-keeping tasks will be shared, etc. It is almost universally the case amongst my mom friends that their husband's lives barely changed post-kids while the wives had to absorb all the extra mental load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry and addict (alcoholic, porn, gambling, religion, sex, etc.)
Don't marry someone with a bad credit rating.
Don't marry someone with mental health problems or comes from a dysfunctional family.
Don't marry someone who has been divorced or has kids.

Marry someone who is hard working, honest, loyal, kind and shares your interests.

Divorced/kids is not ideal but would not be a 100% dealbreaker, but the rest of the list is spot on.

I agree with this - also, marry somebody that values being active and fit, and also has drive - this doesn't mean being rich exactly - but is good at what they do and enjoys what they do in life for work and fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry and addict (alcoholic, porn, gambling, religion, sex, etc.)
Don't marry someone with a bad credit rating.
Don't marry someone with mental health problems or comes from a dysfunctional family.
Don't marry someone who has been divorced or has kids.

Marry someone who is hard working, honest, loyal, kind and shares your interests.

+100

Excellent list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What advice would you give your daughter regarding how to pick a man that would be a good husband and father? What advice would you give about maintaining a marriage? I need your collective wisdom!

Person, Place, Timing

[Anonymous]

Know mental disorder symptoms and check for them.

[Anonymous]

Always have a few circles of good girlfriends to talk with. Near and far.

[Anonymous]

Do a non church premarital counseling course with a therapist.

It will go over views and values on running a household, budgeting, women/ working or staying home, raising kids, shopping, decision making processes (no defaulting all to one person, team approach!), life habits, time with contended family, travel, morals and ethics.

At a minimum you will know early on if the other person lied and misrepresented things.

And best case is you are quite similar in values, goals, approach. Or you realize there is a lot you aren’t on the same page about and break it off.

[Anonymous]

Never be afraid to break off the engagement.

Or to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at your future FIL. That is who you will be married to in 20 years. Not in all cases, but often holds true.

Is nothing like his father.

There is nothing wrong with his father, but my DH is nothing like him.