Mother in denial and creating tension

[Anonymous]

My dad has Parkinson's and my mom has dementia.

Your mom may have early dementia.

I think the accommodations you are suggesting sound reasonable. But your mom's theory that mobility aids can enable decline is not outlandish. Not for the basic things you suggested like shower grab bars (I think every shower should have that frankly). But we made the mistake of getting my dad a wheelchair and then his caregivers just left him in it all day long and it disabled him rapidly. You do need to be careful because it is a fine balance. It is good to keep doing things for yourself as long as you can. use it or lose it, ya know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad has Parkinson's and my mom has dementia.

Your mom may have early dementia.

I think the accommodations you are suggesting sound reasonable. But your mom's theory that mobility aids can enable decline is not outlandish. Not for the basic things you suggested like shower grab bars (I think every shower should have that frankly). But we made the mistake of getting my dad a wheelchair and then his caregivers just left him in it all day long and it disabled him rapidly. You do need to be careful because it is a fine balance. It is good to keep doing things for yourself as long as you can. use it or lose it, ya know?

I have posted before and this is true as well. It really is a compromise, but there is where the specialist comes in. OP, I endured so much vitriol pushing to get an outside expert involved. My stomach is in knots just thinking about the drama and insults, but it made a difference. She works with that balance. I prefer total safety, but that is not we have. What do have now is team of people and a woman who knows how to win over challenging elderly folks, make them feel listened to and empowered while also pushing for a safer situation. I'm not going to lie. My mother hated me and still has resentment, but she has a nice relationship with the aging professional and will listen to her. I am willing to step back if I think more is needed because this woman has the proper training to assess and I don't. I have needed to accept being the bad child to ensure a better situation. Also, if you can afford to hire the aging professional to assess monthly or every few months and coordinate care as needed it gives you some piece of mind and take you out of the dramatics.

[Anonymous]

My mom was like this, it was all about optics and denying that they were getting older. Wasn't so afraid of losing my dad, but was afraid of what neighbors and friends might think.

[Anonymous]

I am a direct person. My mother is difficult and I am direct and kind and I tell her the truth. I would lay it out for your mother that what she's doing is hurting your father and endangering his well being and say if he falls she is responsible and be clear you are not going to clean up the consequences of their bad decisions. And then don't swoop in and save them. Don't be available right away. Don't run over and fix things. Your dad also needs to speak up for himself. They are adults. Treat them like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this, it was all about optics and denying that they were getting older. Wasn't so afraid of losing my dad, but was afraid of what neighbors and friends might think.

It’s actually one of the hardest things about caring for older parents!