“I’m destitute, and I need you to solve this”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT buy her a place or otherwise intertwine your finances. She needs to live within her means. Eventually she will not be eligible for credit. Send her food if you must, but it’s a big mistake to fund this insanity.

This. You can try to see if the Council on Aging is helpful. Do not enable her. You can give her a choice between a roommate and more affirdable housing and that sort of thing, but you don’t risk the financial health of your family to enable someone who is addicted to living beyond her means.

[Anonymous]

I think the roommate sounds very risky, personally, and it would be better to downsize.

Mercifully I have not been in this situation, but if you can afford a reasonable condo purchase that would be probably what I might do? Let her pay nominal rent and keep it in your name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I have recently been told by my elderly mom. This situation has been brewing for a looong time but now I feel like I need to post not only for some insight, but also just so I can get things off my chest. Will try to stay vague on some details.

Mom is early 70s and lives alone. Dad died years ago – had nothing, no life insurance, savings, etc. Mom was getting along well enough since that time, living off social security and working. Parents always spent like crazy and lived off credit cards so no savings/investments/retirement accounts even though everyone in their lives, for decades, unsuccessfully attempted to move them in a direction of even basic financial planning.

I didn’t realize the extent of the debt until recently when mom lost her job, her only income stream outside of social security. We’re talking tens of thousands in credit card debt. Plus a mortgage (maybe taking up two thirds of the home’s value) and, of course, a car payment for a car purchased unbeknownst to us - just before the job loss. The house and car notes alone exceed what she gets in social security. Long story short, she is in the bankruptcy filing process to eliminate the credit card debt. I’m not sure if this was the best course of action but it was encouraged by another family member, who has helped with the legal fees. Mom wants to go back to work but we (the rest of the family) are unsure if a job is even realistic given her age and physical limitations. She will not consider taking in a roommate, which in my mind would solve the income problem to some extent.

I live several hours drive away, while my sibling lives closer to her. Sibling is likely not willing to step in financially so that leaves me trying to figure out what the heck to do without wrecking my own financial future, all while working and raising my own family with no help, financial or otherwise, on either side. So fun!
The past couple months I have been sending grocery store gift cards to help with food and prescription needs. Obviously, some bigger plans will need to be made. Her moving into our house is not an option for various reasons I won’t get into here. I have considered the possibility of buying a place near me for her to live and pay what she can but of course that will put financial strain on my immediate family. I’ve also begun the process of looking into what programs for which she may qualify, housing and otherwise. It’s all so overwhelming and the stress is getting to me. It sucks even worse because she wasn’t a bad mother, just really bad with money and gave no thought to the future and always assumed someone else would fix things.

Your sibling is right to not want to step in financially at this point and nor should you. There may come a point where you are genuinely faced with either subsidizing her or seeing her truly penniless but you’re not at that point and swooping in to help her now will just enable her bad habits and prematurely drain your own funds.

She either takes in a roommate or sells the house and uses the proceeds towards rent for a more sustainable no frills studio apartment (while getting on any available lists for senior subsidized housing.)

If she refuses to do either then you need to just stay out of it and let her face the natural consequences.

This 1000%. It is time for her to deal with the consequences of her lifetime actions. She's in this place due to a lifetime of bad choices, despite you (and other family) attempting to help her learn and adjust.
While it might seem cruel, you do not want to drain your family finances or stress your marriage/family for someone who doesn't even want to help themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I have recently been told by my elderly mom. This situation has been brewing for a looong time but now I feel like I need to post not only for some insight, but also just so I can get things off my chest. Will try to stay vague on some details.

Mom is early 70s and lives alone. Dad died years ago – had nothing, no life insurance, savings, etc. Mom was getting along well enough since that time, living off social security and working. Parents always spent like crazy and lived off credit cards so no savings/investments/retirement accounts even though everyone in their lives, for decades, unsuccessfully attempted to move them in a direction of even basic financial planning.

I didn’t realize the extent of the debt until recently when mom lost her job, her only income stream outside of social security. We’re talking tens of thousands in credit card debt. Plus a mortgage (maybe taking up two thirds of the home’s value) and, of course, a car payment for a car purchased unbeknownst to us - just before the job loss. The house and car notes alone exceed what she gets in social security. Long story short, she is in the bankruptcy filing process to eliminate the credit card debt. I’m not sure if this was the best course of action but it was encouraged by another family member, who has helped with the legal fees. Mom wants to go back to work but we (the rest of the family) are unsure if a job is even realistic given her age and physical limitations. She will not consider taking in a roommate, which in my mind would solve the income problem to some extent.

I live several hours drive away, while my sibling lives closer to her. Sibling is likely not willing to step in financially so that leaves me trying to figure out what the heck to do without wrecking my own financial future, all while working and raising my own family with no help, financial or otherwise, on either side. So fun!
The past couple months I have been sending grocery store gift cards to help with food and prescription needs. Obviously, some bigger plans will need to be made. Her moving into our house is not an option for various reasons I won’t get into here. I have considered the possibility of buying a place near me for her to live and pay what she can but of course that will put financial strain on my immediate family. I’ve also begun the process of looking into what programs for which she may qualify, housing and otherwise. It’s all so overwhelming and the stress is getting to me. It sucks even worse because she wasn’t a bad mother, just really bad with money and gave no thought to the future and always assumed someone else would fix things.

Your sibling is right to not want to step in financially at this point and nor should you. There may come a point where you are genuinely faced with either subsidizing her or seeing her truly penniless but you’re not at that point and swooping in to help her now will just enable her bad habits and prematurely drain your own funds.

She either takes in a roommate or sells the house and uses the proceeds towards rent for a more sustainable no frills studio apartment (while getting on any available lists for senior subsidized housing.)

If she refuses to do either then you need to just stay out of it and let her face the natural consequences.

This 1000%. It is time for her to deal with the consequences of her lifetime actions. She's in this place due to a lifetime of bad choices, despite you (and other family) attempting to help her learn and adjust.
While it might seem cruel, you do not want to drain your family finances or stress your marriage/family for someone who doesn't even want to help themselves.

It's your mother and she's in her 70s.

[Anonymous]

If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

NP To me a parent is someone who does things for their kids, not the opposite. I would do anything for my kids but I don't want them to worry about me. If I were a burden to my kids I would feel like I failed as a mother. It's my job as an adult to take care of myself!

[Anonymous]

I would not do roommate for safety issues. Selling is tough as she won't be able to buy something else, and renting is a more vulnerable situation and more unpredictable with rising rents, having to move...Unless you think she can get a very nice amount for the house and rent a lot cheaper, somewhere stable in prices. I'd also help her explore all the benefits available to her including SNAP. Do not give money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

NP To me a parent is someone who does things for their kids, not the opposite. I would do anything for my kids but I don't want them to worry about me. If I were a burden to my kids I would feel like I failed as a mother. It's my job as an adult to take care of myself!

Not allowing your kids to help is a burden in itself. (I say that as a daughter; I don't have my own kids so no, I am not expecting anyone to bail me out.)

I'm not saying she has to move in with you and you buy her Prada bags - but just giving her a tough love routine, that's very harsh and cold. Barring some circumstances or history that you feel make that the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

NP To me a parent is someone who does things for their kids, not the opposite. I would do anything for my kids but I don't want them to worry about me. If I were a burden to my kids I would feel like I failed as a mother. It's my job as an adult to take care of myself!

OP stated that she was a *good mother*

It’s wrong to judge her by your standards today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the roommate sounds very risky, personally, and it would be better to downsize.

Mercifully I have not been in this situation, but if you can afford a reasonable condo purchase that would be probably what I might do? Let her pay nominal rent and keep it in your name.

Careful with condos. They can have high monthly fees and surprise expenses imposed.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry that you’re dealing with this. Can I just say the statement “I need you to solve this” would seriously annoy me? When she’s already refused the roommate suggestion. Like we don’t have kids, jobs, other responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thank you for all the thoughtful and insightful replies - some of the resources mentioned upthread I've never heard of so I'll begin to explore those.

The bankruptcy has already been paid for and is rolling so backing out of that isn't an option at this point. The car is a source of bad feelings for the family - she HAD a paid off, very decent vehicle, one that had JUST been paid off, and on a whim, without consulting anyone for help or advice, decided that she needed a different type of vehicle and got screwed on the trade in and loan/payments. We didn't know about that purchase until all was said and done. Then came the job loss, yes, likely due to early cognitive issues. It's difficult to know the details surrounding that because naturally she isn't entirely forthcoming. We are all for her going out and job searching - I agree the right situation would be positive for her but we'll see how that goes.

Another thing that could be considered is disability. She does have a condition that would qualify that is getting worse with age. Not sure at all about the rules and process there. Sigh, it's all too much and based on many similar threads on this forum, it appears I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I have recently been told by my elderly mom. This situation has been brewing for a looong time but now I feel like I need to post not only for some insight, but also just so I can get things off my chest. Will try to stay vague on some details.

Mom is early 70s and lives alone. Dad died years ago – had nothing, no life insurance, savings, etc. Mom was getting along well enough since that time, living off social security and working. Parents always spent like crazy and lived off credit cards so no savings/investments/retirement accounts even though everyone in their lives, for decades, unsuccessfully attempted to move them in a direction of even basic financial planning.

I didn’t realize the extent of the debt until recently when mom lost her job, her only income stream outside of social security. We’re talking tens of thousands in credit card debt. Plus a mortgage (maybe taking up two thirds of the home’s value) and, of course, a car payment for a car purchased unbeknownst to us - just before the job loss. The house and car notes alone exceed what she gets in social security. Long story short, she is in the bankruptcy filing process to eliminate the credit card debt. I’m not sure if this was the best course of action but it was encouraged by another family member, who has helped with the legal fees. Mom wants to go back to work but we (the rest of the family) are unsure if a job is even realistic given her age and physical limitations. She will not consider taking in a roommate, which in my mind would solve the income problem to some extent.

I live several hours drive away, while my sibling lives closer to her. Sibling is likely not willing to step in financially so that leaves me trying to figure out what the heck to do without wrecking my own financial future, all while working and raising my own family with no help, financial or otherwise, on either side. So fun!
The past couple months I have been sending grocery store gift cards to help with food and prescription needs. Obviously, some bigger plans will need to be made. Her moving into our house is not an option for various reasons I won’t get into here. I have considered the possibility of buying a place near me for her to live and pay what she can but of course that will put financial strain on my immediate family. I’ve also begun the process of looking into what programs for which she may qualify, housing and otherwise. It’s all so overwhelming and the stress is getting to me. It sucks even worse because she wasn’t a bad mother, just really bad with money and gave no thought to the future and always assumed someone else would fix things.

Your sibling is right to not want to step in financially at this point and nor should you. There may come a point where you are genuinely faced with either subsidizing her or seeing her truly penniless but you’re not at that point and swooping in to help her now will just enable her bad habits and prematurely drain your own funds.

She either takes in a roommate or sells the house and uses the proceeds towards rent for a more sustainable no frills studio apartment (while getting on any available lists for senior subsidized housing.)

If she refuses to do either then you need to just stay out of it and let her face the natural consequences.

This 1000%. It is time for her to deal with the consequences of her lifetime actions. She's in this place due to a lifetime of bad choices, despite you (and other family) attempting to help her learn and adjust.
While it might seem cruel, you do not want to drain your family finances or stress your marriage/family for someone who doesn't even want to help themselves.

It's your mother and she's in her 70s.

And the kids (including OP) have attempted to help mom over the years, yet mom isn't willing to change habits. Mom is in this position thru her own choosing, so unless you are a HNW+, you don't risk your future to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

So I reiterate---you don't ruin your own marriage/stress out your family and put your finances in problems for someone who has never wanted to help themselves. I don't allow toxic family members to control my life...neither should you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If other people ask me to solve their problems, they might not like the solution, which is tough love.

Jesus Christ, this is how you think about the person who birthed and raised you?

NP To me a parent is someone who does things for their kids, not the opposite. I would do anything for my kids but I don't want them to worry about me. If I were a burden to my kids I would feel like I failed as a mother. It's my job as an adult to take care of myself!

OP stated that she was a *good mother*

It’s wrong to judge her by your standards today.

My standards are simply that a good parent to adult kids does not ask their adult child to take care of them financially because they made bad choices over and over again. It's very selfish. I'm really surprised people think it's normal! Being a good parent to minor kids doesn't excuse pulling this on your adult children or justify it.