New baby with second husband

[Anonymous]

Focus on your kids. Adding a new half sibling will take away from them, and yes it is different from a full sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the naysayers and do it if you and your husband are both in agreement!! Your husband may eventually regret not having his own bio child, especially as his step-teens grow, move on and start ignoring both parents (as most do).

I've had several friends (male and female) in similar situations... new baby/babies in most case brought the whole family closer together with older kids (including teens) suddenly more interested in joining family activities and vacations! Their successes are based on honest family discussions, decision-making, and giving the older kids their own time and attention.

If you have concerns as an older mom, visit the Infertility Forum to allay your concerns and get lots of helpful advice (but beware the naysayers and old mom haters also lurk on that forum).

FYI, I because a first time mom in my 40s and had no pregnancy health issues, in fact I felt emotionally happy-giddy every single day, minimal morning sickness, normal or low BP, average weight gain (and quick weight loss) and uneventful delivery of a healthy baby!

I say go for it!

Oops, did you mean to post such a nice message on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

One thing to consider is your new DH's relationship with your existing kid(s). Can he take them to soccer practice when you're home with your new baby? My friend who did this successfully relied a lot on her DH to help her older kid, as he was better with a kid than a baby. This meant he drove the older kid around a lot for sports practices and competitions. The older kid was annoyed that it was his stepdad and not his mom doing it, but that annoyance was deeper as his own dad was a bit of a trainwreck, and he had to deal with some big feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

Ok? That’s an absurd logic. If you don’t want your kids going back and forth let the other parent have custody and you visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

One thing to consider is your new DH's relationship with your existing kid(s). Can he take them to soccer practice when you're home with your new baby? My friend who did this successfully relied a lot on her DH to help her older kid, as he was better with a kid than a baby. This meant he drove the older kid around a lot for sports practices and competitions. The older kid was annoyed that it was his stepdad and not his mom doing it, but that annoyance was deeper as his own dad was a bit of a trainwreck, and he had to deal with some big feelings.

Dad and mom can be driving. These kids have two parents. Stepdad deserves his own kid too. You expecting him to play dad to other kids and not have his own is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

They have two families. They are not leaving their family half the time. They are splitting time between both their parents.

[Anonymous]

Did anyone actually answer OP's question rather than giving unsolicited advice telling her not to neglect her current kids? If so, I didn't see it. OP, go to a fertility doctor--there are tests they can run to assess reproductive health. All we can say as randos in the Internet, is that you are less fertile than you used to be. But you still may be perfectly fine to bear children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

One thing to consider is your new DH's relationship with your existing kid(s). Can he take them to soccer practice when you're home with your new baby? My friend who did this successfully relied a lot on her DH to help her older kid, as he was better with a kid than a baby. This meant he drove the older kid around a lot for sports practices and competitions. The older kid was annoyed that it was his stepdad and not his mom doing it, but that annoyance was deeper as his own dad was a bit of a trainwreck, and he had to deal with some big feelings.

Dad and mom can be driving. These kids have two parents. Stepdad deserves his own kid too. You expecting him to play dad to other kids and not have his own is selfish.

You missed the point. The original kid’s dad is a deadbeat. Stepdad preferred running stepkid around over staying home with a newborn. Newborns are hard.

[Anonymous]

What is the custody arrangement with your ex?

It’s hard when one kid is there with mom all the time, and the others are only there half time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

They have two families. They are not leaving their family half the time. They are splitting time between both their parents.

Indeed, and splitting time sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch another kid grow up in an intact family, and have even less time with your parent as a result.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t purely due to age. Older age, more potential complications for you and the baby, more likely kid is to lose parents early.

My 40 year old stepmother opted to have another baby with my dad. Half sister was great, loved by all, but my family really fell apart when she was young due to various health issues. And I know she felt very lonely as the only kid in the house with old parents when the older kids went to college. She’ll get zero financial or physical help from our parents when she has kids b/c they are both basically in their graves now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

They have two families. They are not leaving their family half the time. They are splitting time between both their parents.

Indeed, and splitting time sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch another kid grow up in an intact family, and have even less time with your parent as a result.

Kids don’t actually think that way. That’s an adult take on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

They have two families. They are not leaving their family half the time. They are splitting time between both their parents.

Indeed, and splitting time sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch another kid grow up in an intact family, and have even less time with your parent as a result.

Kids don’t actually think that way. That’s an adult take on it.

. Oh please. Kids know when they're getting less. They will resent it, even if they don't feel safe expressing it. This kind of thing is why ACOD so often distance themselves from family complexity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

How is this different than any other family with three ot more kids?

Because full siblings are not half-siblings and two parents are not divorced parents with another stepparent thrown in the mix. Because the house is the house, there’s no custody schedule, there’s no split holidays, there’s no split family, there is just one family. What about that aren’t you getting?

Again, how are those issues? If you don’t like it don’t divorce.

NP. The kids don't have a choice. I think it's hard on the kids who have to go back and forth between parents while the new family's kid gets to have a "whole unit" family.

You sound defensive.

You don't understand, the step kids are part of the family unit, they just leave their family half the time.

They have two families. They are not leaving their family half the time. They are splitting time between both their parents.

Indeed, and splitting time sucks. It sucks even more when you have to watch another kid grow up in an intact family, and have even less time with your parent as a result.

Kids don’t actually think that way. That’s an adult take on it.

No, you're 1000000% wrong. Kids think this way, and worse. It's the adult and mature way to look at it as "just growing the family" and "sharing the love". No, kids see another kid getting more time, effort, attention and money spent on them. They see themselves as outcasts and neglected to the new baby.

The only people pushing this are the selfish people who has new children instead of just loving the family they built already. Sad that you really can't see it from the real POV.