Custody question - what did it take to get more than 50-50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who were able to get more than half custody, assuming the other spouse wanted half, what did it take?

If there was emotional abuse towards the child and both physical and emotional towards the mother how and what did you document?

My friend did speak to a few attorneys but they said that emotional abuse towards children is hard to prove and has to be horrendous to really matter much in family court.

My advice? Document document and assume the dc will be assigned a GAL who will speak for them and express their preferences. But do NOT coach bc these people are trained to pick up on that and they will switch custody in a heartbeat over it. But other than that, be very wary of letting too many other professionals get involved in your family’s life- avoid evaluators and PC etc. There are many corrupt and incompetent ones tied to matrimonial and family courts and they can quickly bleed your family dry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who were able to get more than half custody, assuming the other spouse wanted half, what did it take?

If there was emotional abuse towards the child and both physical and emotional towards the mother how and what did you document?

My friend did speak to a few attorneys but they said that emotional abuse towards children is hard to prove and has to be horrendous to really matter much in family court.

My advice? Document document and assume the dc will be assigned a GAL who will speak for them and express their preferences. But do NOT coach bc these people are trained to pick up on that and they will switch custody in a heartbeat over it. But other than that, be very wary of letting too many other professionals get involved in your family’s life- avoid evaluators and PC etc. There are many corrupt and incompetent ones tied to matrimonial and family courts and they can quickly bleed your family dry.

This, plus asking for more parenting time in court can backfire on you. The parental alienation movement is a total cluster. My family lawyer told me my best chance was to reach a global settlement involving a monetary hit (based on early negotiations where he showed a clear preference for finances over kids) or accept 50/50 and hold him in contempt as necessary. Eventually, all the contempt orders add up to something. Ultimately, you need a great, experienced lawyer, and then you need to trust them.

[Anonymous]

Ha, convenient your lawyer said that as contempt orders = billings. I don’t totally disagree with the above advice but I’ll say that many men will trade $ for time so I’d try to negotiate there. Also abusive men often just want custody for the fight and control and if you take that away, they often lose interest in the kids pretty quickly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha, convenient your lawyer said that as contempt orders = billings. I don’t totally disagree with the above advice but I’ll say that many men will trade $ for time so I’d try to negotiate there. Also abusive men often just want custody for the fight and control and if you take that away, they often lose interest in the kids pretty quickly

It reached the point where I'd draft the contempt orders, and they'd review them for 30 minutes and submit them for a fixed fee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex had one bedroom apartment, and judge preferred to see kids in their own home with separate bedrooms. I was a SAHM too, so I offered more stability.

That's ridiculous and not a reason to keep the kids from their other parent.

I would never go to “Family Divorce Court “ It’s a rodeo. In many cases, it’s terrible for children since it increases conflict in the home. Some cases are necessary but it should be the rare exception.

Of course every angry parents feels their case is exceptional!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha, convenient your lawyer said that as contempt orders = billings. I don’t totally disagree with the above advice but I’ll say that many men will trade $ for time so I’d try to negotiate there. Also abusive men often just want custody for the fight and control and if you take that away, they often lose interest in the kids pretty quickly

My ex husbands fought for custody with a bull dog lawyer and won. VA. It happens. It took years to “fix” (not in the courts).

[Anonymous]

My brother fought for 50-50 but after 2.5 years they still hadn’t finalized the divorce and his girlfriend (now wife) was pregnant and he needed to move on. He accepted 60-40. His ex often doesn’t hand their son (now a young teen) over on time or leaves my brother waiting at pickup or will whisk him off for a weekend so my brother gets less time than that. When my brother complains she says “take me to court” knowing that he’d prefer to avoid the time / hassle of that and is really busy. (He has a very busy job and two kids with his wife now.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha, convenient your lawyer said that as contempt orders = billings. I don’t totally disagree with the above advice but I’ll say that many men will trade $ for time so I’d try to negotiate there. Also abusive men often just want custody for the fight and control and if you take that away, they often lose interest in the kids pretty quickly

No, men will not trade money for time. You sound pretty terrible. Surprise, some men enjoy being dads and love their kids and want to spend time with them. Many with child support and allimony cannot afford to take it to court all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother fought for 50-50 but after 2.5 years they still hadn’t finalized the divorce and his girlfriend (now wife) was pregnant and he needed to move on. He accepted 60-40. His ex often doesn’t hand their son (now a young teen) over on time or leaves my brother waiting at pickup or will whisk him off for a weekend so my brother gets less time than that. When my brother complains she says “take me to court” knowing that he’d prefer to avoid the time / hassle of that and is really busy. (He has a very busy job and two kids with his wife now.)

Going to court is a forune and most judges don't do anything and there are no consequences for withholding visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get the best custody lawyer money can buy. Get an evaluator to hear kids side. Ex will likely give in when he realizes the kids have feelings and opinions too.

Horrible advice. Most evaluators in the system are quacks. Signed, lawyer.

cosign. unless I truly believed my coparent was unfit I would never do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The forensic evaluator said my ex was “too selfish to effectively parent long term” and recommended custody to me, visitation to him.

So that’s what happened.

Did you go to a trial? Did the court appoint the evaluator? Did you have a GAL? I am in a custody battle and my tweens do not want to live with him. He has a lawyer. He filed. I am going to see a free clinic lawyer. We are still in same house. It’s horrible.

NP This is horrible. Hopefully his lawyer will let him know that kids decide at a certain age and he will give you primary custody. He can have ample visitation. 50 50 is not good for most kids, even if it is the presumption (back story is that 50 50 was a legislative push by men’s rights orgs with a motive to avoid child support)

This is not true. Most kids do best when they see both parents regularly and frequently. (yes, there are exceptions, in particular situations,of course). And child support can be ordered in 50/50 if the income disparities qualify.

This is absolutely true, but you seem to have misread what I wrote. I didn’t say no access to both parents. Regular access is fine, but making a kid divide their lives 50/50 is not ideal. This 50/50 push was driven by avoidance of child support which is a fairly strict calculation in most states, driven by custody time. 50 50 sounds fair on paper but it is not ideal for kids. Having one secure home base is best, with regular access by the non custodial parent.

I agree. Running back and forth between two households is hard, especially for teens. Sports equipment, instruments, and computers get left behind. They get FOMO about missing something at school or with friends. Try to find a way to settle so your ex doesn't pay more child support than they would if they had more time, and they may agree. My approach to working this stuff out was always driven by doing what was best for the kids, and I accepted any required concession or sacrifice. Their childhood is short and you can get the rest of your life back on track once you've done your job as a parent. This doesn't apply to situations where two healthy parents live near each other and prioritize their kids' well-being.

wise words … my current situation is stable but I may have to make a big lide change I REALLY do not want to make to keep it that way. But yeah, it’s only for the (sob, so few!) remaining years of childhood. I can suck it up if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother fought for 50-50 but after 2.5 years they still hadn’t finalized the divorce and his girlfriend (now wife) was pregnant and he needed to move on. He accepted 60-40. His ex often doesn’t hand their son (now a young teen) over on time or leaves my brother waiting at pickup or will whisk him off for a weekend so my brother gets less time than that. When my brother complains she says “take me to court” knowing that he’d prefer to avoid the time / hassle of that and is really busy. (He has a very busy job and two kids with his wife now.)

I mean if he fought for 2.5 years over an extra day a week (meanwhile making no delay in starting family # 2), that’s wholly on him. If it’s a “hassle” for him to assert his rights because he’s so busy with his “second round” family, doesn’t sound like he cares. Sounds like his ex understands the situation quite well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother fought for 50-50 but after 2.5 years they still hadn’t finalized the divorce and his girlfriend (now wife) was pregnant and he needed to move on. He accepted 60-40. His ex often doesn’t hand their son (now a young teen) over on time or leaves my brother waiting at pickup or will whisk him off for a weekend so my brother gets less time than that. When my brother complains she says “take me to court” knowing that he’d prefer to avoid the time / hassle of that and is really busy. (He has a very busy job and two kids with his wife now.)

I mean if he fought for 2.5 years over an extra day a week (meanwhile making no delay in starting family # 2), that’s wholly on him. If it’s a “hassle” for him to assert his rights because he’s so busy with his “second round” family, doesn’t sound like he cares. Sounds like his ex understands the situation quite well.

Bitter? Why should he get married and have more kids. That’s a natural part of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The forensic evaluator said my ex was “too selfish to effectively parent long term” and recommended custody to me, visitation to him.

So that’s what happened.

Did you go to a trial? Did the court appoint the evaluator? Did you have a GAL? I am in a custody battle and my tweens do not want to live with him. He has a lawyer. He filed. I am going to see a free clinic lawyer. We are still in same house. It’s horrible.

NP This is horrible. Hopefully his lawyer will let him know that kids decide at a certain age and he will give you primary custody. He can have ample visitation. 50 50 is not good for most kids, even if it is the presumption (back story is that 50 50 was a legislative push by men’s rights orgs with a motive to avoid child support)

This is not true. Most kids do best when they see both parents regularly and frequently. (yes, there are exceptions, in particular situations,of course). And child support can be ordered in 50/50 if the income disparities qualify.

This is absolutely true, but you seem to have misread what I wrote. I didn’t say no access to both parents. Regular access is fine, but making a kid divide their lives 50/50 is not ideal. This 50/50 push was driven by avoidance of child support which is a fairly strict calculation in most states, driven by custody time. 50 50 sounds fair on paper but it is not ideal for kids. Having one secure home base is best, with regular access by the non custodial parent.

That isn’t ideal at all and you are very controlling. Seeing your kid for an hour or two under the other parent’s supervision is not parenting. If you think this is imoortant let the other parent have custody and you visit. You want full custody for the child support. It’s about your income not the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother fought for 50-50 but after 2.5 years they still hadn’t finalized the divorce and his girlfriend (now wife) was pregnant and he needed to move on. He accepted 60-40. His ex often doesn’t hand their son (now a young teen) over on time or leaves my brother waiting at pickup or will whisk him off for a weekend so my brother gets less time than that. When my brother complains she says “take me to court” knowing that he’d prefer to avoid the time / hassle of that and is really busy. (He has a very busy job and two kids with his wife now.)

I mean if he fought for 2.5 years over an extra day a week (meanwhile making no delay in starting family # 2), that’s wholly on him. If it’s a “hassle” for him to assert his rights because he’s so busy with his “second round” family, doesn’t sound like he cares. Sounds like his ex understands the situation quite well.

Bitter? Why should he get married and have more kids. That’s a natural part of life.

Sure it’s natural but it makes quite clear he wasn’t putting his existing kid anywhere near first - so I’m on team mom.