41, childless, and full of regret

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. One of my challenges in this is that I’m kind of on the opposite end of the spectrum. I was so afraid of not having kids that I settled. I met, married, and birthed 2 kids with my DH all in a matter of 3.5 years. Now, I’m in an unhappy marriage with 2 kids. I don’t regret it, but like, there’s no magical solution. I try to tell my friend this but it’s not helpful. I try hard to make sure I’m not being a “smug married”. I do love my kids though and I think my friend would be a wonderful mom and I want this for her so much!!

OP, you are way too invested in something very unlikely to happen. I'd suggest your friend find a therapist and you find other things to base your friendship on. Therapy for you to unpack your overinvestment, perhaps as a way to avoid your own current unhappiness and taking any actions to improve your own marriage. If not very financially stable at her age she is a terrible candidate to be a single mother by choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. One of my challenges in this is that I’m kind of on the opposite end of the spectrum. I was so afraid of not having kids that I settled. I met, married, and birthed 2 kids with my DH all in a matter of 3.5 years. Now, I’m in an unhappy marriage with 2 kids. I don’t regret it, but like, there’s no magical solution. I try to tell my friend this but it’s not helpful. I try hard to make sure I’m not being a “smug married”. I do love my kids though and I think my friend would be a wonderful mom and I want this for her so much!!

Honestly OP - you sound like a good friend, and also overly invested in this. Listen to your friend - distract her with fun stuff not involving kids. And don't try to solve this for her. Your friend knows what her options are. If she really does want this, she'll pursue one of those options - and if she's finding reasons not to do so, then I think you can fairly say she doesn't really want it that much. Most of us really do vote with our feet.

Just be a friend, not a fixer.

Op here. You’re right. I am overly invested. My friend is a grown ass woman and she is also not actually me. We are separate people. I think I’m over identifying and putting myself in her shoes and thinking how horrible it would be if I never had my kids and also felt like it would be impossible to have a child. But ultimately, I am different and have different needs and priorities than my friend and I know she will be ok. Sorrow and disappointment are part of life for everyone. It just feels so unfair to me.

Sometimes there are gates in life that if you pass, you can't go back. Your friend is middle aged and single and you say not in a great place financially. There are no do-overs for the choices she made in 20s and 30s. She may well have untreated ADD, time blindness is a feature. There is nothing "unfair" about it. She did not create financial stability nor a stable relationship with a man who wanted children. Now she is closer to retirement age. It is what it is.

Sort yourself out about choices. See what you can make of your OWN marriage. Gottman therapy is evidence based, there is a lot of info on their website, books, etc. or you and your DH could find a Gottman trained therapist. Keep your regret about YOUR life choices separate from your friend and own your choices now. Better to work on your marriage, then to deflect through codependence, it's the foundation of your children's world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone truly wants a child, then they move mountains to make it happen. That means flying solo and/or fostering to adopt.

A friend of mine did this later in life. The child she adopted is in a special needs school. My friend is happy that she's a mother, her daughter is lovely and healthy. But sometimes it's hard to end up an older parent with limited means who has to provide more than what the average parent has to provide.

There might not be a win-win, but I agree with PP that people who really know what they want make it happen, even if it turns out not be perfect. They are willing to take the risk.

OP, your friend is perhaps sad at not being able to make up her mind. I've noticed that most pleasant, healthy, gainfully-employed people who end up unmarried and childfree at that age suffer from indecisiveness most of all.