How would you help a sibling who cannot handle things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Not clear to me. Totally able-bodied. No physical health issues. But has never been able to really handle much. Was very much babied. I am not sure if this was because she was not capable or if she has some learned incompetence since she never did anything. Either way, I am 99% sure there will be no real job.

Well then.


I assume they never had a neuropsych test or any mental disorders or learning disabilities to treat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Does she live in an area of poor/no job opportunities? Is she mentally or physically incapable of working? Or is she leaning hard into the idea that she set out to be a SAHM for life and nothing will change her mind? Being a non-earning single parent is a pretty good way to ensure poverty for herself and the kids, especially since it sounds as though the ex doesn't have a lot to contribute.

It's hard to help people who don't do much to help themselves.

No. She lives in an expensive area with lots of jobs. Part of the issue is that it is expensive. She cannot move too far out of the area because of ex-h and the kids.

She definitely sees herself as entitled to being a stay at home mom. But I am not sure she really could do anything else.

So she’s on alimony for how long?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one
Has kids
Divorced and ex-spouse doesn’t provide much in the way of support
Does not live around here (8+ hours drive from DC area)

Kind of at a loss as to how to help, especially for the sake of the kids.

What does this mean? The ex doesn’t pay their court ordered child support or split the kid bills??

Does pay court ordered support. It just isn’t much. Certainly not enough for her and kids to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Does she live in an area of poor/no job opportunities? Is she mentally or physically incapable of working? Or is she leaning hard into the idea that she set out to be a SAHM for life and nothing will change her mind? Being a non-earning single parent is a pretty good way to ensure poverty for herself and the kids, especially since it sounds as though the ex doesn't have a lot to contribute.

It's hard to help people who don't do much to help themselves.

No. She lives in an expensive area with lots of jobs. Part of the issue is that it is expensive. She cannot move too far out of the area because of ex-h and the kids.

She definitely sees herself as entitled to being a stay at home mom. But I am not sure she really could do anything else.

So she’s on alimony for how long?

No. No alimony. He pay child support. But he was giving her extra money. Has stopped doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Not clear to me. Totally able-bodied. No physical health issues. But has never been able to really handle much. Was very much babied. I am not sure if this was because she was not capable or if she has some learned incompetence since she never did anything. Either way, I am 99% sure there will be no real job.

Well then.


I assume they never had a neuropsych test or any mental disorders or learning disabilities to treat?

Not that I know about. Did well in school.

[Anonymous]

It seems if she gets to the point of being homeless, then her ex can take his kids until she pulls herself together. It doesn’t sound like he’s a deadbeat Dad.

Sending money will not solve her problem — she needs to step up and get a job and she won’t as long as handouts keep coming. You can look for any sources of transitional support in her area, like a women’s center or a charity that has programs for job training and help getting into the workforce and give her the information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister like this but no kids I will just commiserate - you end up giving her money because you care and are kind and you hate yourself for it and are jealous of all the people that have money and don’t have to deal with supporting adult family members. That’s it, that’s what will happen.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Not clear to me. Totally able-bodied. No physical health issues. But has never been able to really handle much. Was very much babied. I am not sure if this was because she was not capable or if she has some learned incompetence since she never did anything. Either way, I am 99% sure there will be no real job.

Well then.


I assume they never had a neuropsych test or any mental disorders or learning disabilities to treat?

Not that I know about. Did well in school.

I have a sister that did well in school and then she developed a mental illness. She hid it very well. Most people who meet her don't realize it unless they get into deeper conversations with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No job and likely will not get one

Is not working just their preference? Or are they unable to work for some reason? I think there is a big difference between unwilling to work and unable to work. Either way, they way you've framed it ("likely will not get one") doesn't help move toward a solution.

Not clear to me. Totally able-bodied. No physical health issues. But has never been able to really handle much. Was very much babied. I am not sure if this was because she was not capable or if she has some learned incompetence since she never did anything. Either way, I am 99% sure there will be no real job.

Well then.


I assume they never had a neuropsych test or any mental disorders or learning disabilities to treat?

+1. Sounds a lot like my ADHD sibling. Needed a lot of structure and support to succeed.

[Anonymous]

I think my nephew with ADHD would have ended up like this if his parents had not been aware of ADHD, medicated him effectively and gave him all the necessary supports through college and beyond. He is happily married with a successful career in his mid-30s and expecting their first child. My parents had no idea how to handle my brother with undiagnosed ADHD since all they called it back then was "hyperactivity"'and gave parents no guidance. He has failed to launch miserably despite intelligence, good looks and amazing social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a sustainable picture. How does/will she support herself and kids with no income?

Ex-h paid rent for a while. Now has reached the end of that term and has no way to pay next month’s rent. She will sell stuff and get a little money. Parents sometimes give her some, but they do not have a lot. Used credit cards for a while and ran those up.

It is a big disaster. I am very concerned about what will happen to the kids, but we cannot fund her entire life. I really don’t know what to do.

It sounds like she and the kids need to relocate to live with your parents. I don't see many other options. And she will need to get some sort of job.

+1. Is this possible, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, one day the child support will end. Before then she needs to step up, get some kind of job, and support her kids. If not, they need to live with their dad and she needs to live with family.

The focus needs to be on transitioning her to work in retail, etc. with a low barrier to entry. Then the goal needs to be to get her a govt job or similar that it is hard to be fired from. Universities can be good too. If it comes with a pension, more the better.

ANY PROPPING UP IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. The status quo is unworkable now and when kids get to be 18. Don't prolong this stage.

What type of work did she do before?

Any mother who is willing to have her kids live in poverty due to laziness or untreated mental illness needs to have visitation. Don't forestall a reality check, OP. She won't be homeless, she has family. The kids can live with dad if need be.

How is her home? Is it clean and orderly? Do the kids eat healthy food or from boxes? Are they in activities or late to school?

[Anonymous]

Is this your SIL or a much younger sibling? You don't seem to know much about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, one day the child support will end. Before then she needs to step up, get some kind of job, and support her kids. If not, they need to live with their dad and she needs to live with family.

The focus needs to be on transitioning her to work in retail, etc. with a low barrier to entry. Then the goal needs to be to get her a govt job or similar that it is hard to be fired from. Universities can be good too. If it comes with a pension, more the better.

ANY PROPPING UP IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. The status quo is unworkable now and when kids get to be 18. Don't prolong this stage.

What type of work did she do before?

Any mother who is willing to have her kids live in poverty due to laziness or untreated mental illness needs to have visitation. Don't forestall a reality check, OP. She won't be homeless, she has family. The kids can live with dad if need be.

How is her home? Is it clean and orderly? Do the kids eat healthy food or from boxes? Are they in activities or late to school?

Government and university jobs aren't that easy to get, especially for someone with little or spotty work history. How well does she work under stress?

[Anonymous]

Why can't the dad take full custody?