SAHM: how much does spouse have to earn to make it work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to SAH on $800k HHI, you don’t want to SAH. Period. It’s ok, but own it.

I’m PP. not true at all for me. I really want to SAH but 800k really doesn’t cut it in a HCOL city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to SAH on $800k HHI, you don’t want to SAH. Period. It’s ok, but own it.

I’m PP. not true at all for me. I really want to SAH but 800k really doesn’t cut it in a HCOL city.

oh my

[Anonymous]

OP many of us have been there, so know you are not alone.

First, that first year is brutal. The US is cruel that we don’t have longer maternity leave. But many of us would advise you not to make rash decisions. Unless you’re a nurse or teacher, it can be very difficult to re enter the same career, even after a couple years. It may be better to do a half ass job for a couple years and ride on the goodwill you generated pre kids, with the plan to change jobs for a fresh start once you’re more settled. Or to ask about PT or remote options. The pay may be barely break even for those more flexible jobs, but the upside is that when you’re ready to ramp up, you’re starting from a very different place than had you left the industry.

For me, I wouldn’t quit unless DH was making at least $700k. He makes that already (so do i) but we both keep working. Ours was never a goal of “what money do we need to pay the bills” but “what money do we need to ensure both of us have freedom to do the jobs we want and retire when we want”. I would never have been okay letting dh be in a job that adding only marginal savings to our retirement every year, knowing he’d have to do it for 45 years - if the alternative was I could materially contribute to retirement and we could both be retired by 50 or 55. Reality is that most women who decide to stay home do it both because they want to be with the kids but also because they don’t love working. Now imagine imposing that working on your spouse for the rest of their healthy lives. Just not cool with me.

Finally, I wouldn’t assume costs go down when you stay home. For typical UMC moms, they spend as much or more than the “work tax”. I worked very part time for two years after DS was born and hung out with the stay at home mom crew, and most days involved a mommy and me class and coffee, and there was a lot of time killing shopping (in person or online) because they had more time to worry about if baby had the right pair of arch supporting shoes, or tracking the fact that Janie and jack was having a sale, or just killing time at Target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to SAH on $800k HHI, you don’t want to SAH. Period. It’s ok, but own it.

I’m PP. not true at all for me. I really want to SAH but 800k really doesn’t cut it in a HCOL city.

Nope. You are either a troll or an actual moron. Wanting to be a rich SAHM is not the same as wanting to be home with your kids. If you really wanted it, you would have already done it. You just don’t want it that badly.

[Anonymous]

The money is only one small piece. There are SAHP at pretty much every income point. While there can be financial stressors or sacrifices if one parent stays at home the resentment and stress usually comes more from the change in roles and responsibilities. A few things to thnk about

Kids cost money. Most people feel that parents have a financial responsibility for the children that they have. Are both people okay with one person abdicating that responsiblity and putting it entirely on the shoulders of one person? Does one person want the pressure and stress of meeting all the money related needs and wants for the kids?

Do you as an adult want to give up the independence that comes with working. Do you want to be entirely dependent on someone else for all your needs and expenses ? Are both of you okay with one person taking on all the financial pressures, stresses and responsiblity for another adult? Is there risk of this imblanace creating further imbalances? Is this too much pressure for one person?

Does having a job mean more to you than income? For many people jobs are also about meaning or purposefulness or intellectual stimulation or using strengths or about expertise or career growth or making a contribution or x, or y or z. What else will you lose without a job?

How does your spouse feel about you being at home? Is that their view as well of a partnership and raising a family? Do you both generally agree that one parent at home is what you want for your family?

How do you see this impacting your future - a return to work or a death / divorce or retirement or more children?

Many dual parent homes with young kids have two working parents, and single parent homes also have a working parent - many families make it work without a SAHP so have you explored all the alternatives and options that everyone else turns to to deal with these situations?

How do you see yourselves resolving conflicts with split roles - where one of you does the majority of the childcare responsiblity and the other does the majority or all of the financial responsiblity. Will there be resenment from the working parent about how little time they get with their child due to work / commute? Will the SAHP get frustrated that they have to be more cognisant and aware of spending?

What is your expectation of how much free time or childcare time or domestic chore time each will have and what the expectations are? What is your expectation about how money will be budgeted and decisions made about money - where one feels something is too expensive or too cheap when they are not contributing to the financial pot? Do you have hobbies or current activities and how will those be impacted? What about time with extended family, social life? Etc

Do you think you will actually enjoy being home all day with a baby / toddler? Do you find that to be something that will give you meaning and the social and intellectual stimuation you need? Are you prone to anything that might be exascerbated by being at home all week with a baby? Are you someone with the energy and motivation to feel as though this is something you can do well and will feel good about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For us it came down to this formula:

my income-daycare=not enough to make a major difference in our lifestyle

This was it for me. Plus I had a job that I knew I could go back to.

Same for us. When ours were very young DH’s company had a lot going on and he worked long hours and had to travel. I would have had to be the primary parent for everything and my job wasn’t flexible. It made more sense to step out for a bit.

Agree with the others commenting about those in the 800+ income range being able to take a break if they wanted. It’s totally fine to keep working if you love your job and lifestyle. But you truly could stay home if you wanted. That’s a different situation than OP is asking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP many of us have been there, so know you are not alone.

First, that first year is brutal. The US is cruel that we don’t have longer maternity leave. But many of us would advise you not to make rash decisions. Unless you’re a nurse or teacher, it can be very difficult to re enter the same career, even after a couple years. It may be better to do a half ass job for a couple years and ride on the goodwill you generated pre kids, with the plan to change jobs for a fresh start once you’re more settled. Or to ask about PT or remote options. The pay may be barely break even for those more flexible jobs, but the upside is that when you’re ready to ramp up, you’re starting from a very different place than had you left the industry.

For me, I wouldn’t quit unless DH was making at least $700k. He makes that already (so do i) but we both keep working. Ours was never a goal of “what money do we need to pay the bills” but “what money do we need to ensure both of us have freedom to do the jobs we want and retire when we want”. I would never have been okay letting dh be in a job that adding only marginal savings to our retirement every year, knowing he’d have to do it for 45 years - if the alternative was I could materially contribute to retirement and we could both be retired by 50 or 55. Reality is that most women who decide to stay home do it both because they want to be with the kids but also because they don’t love working. Now imagine imposing that working on your spouse for the rest of their healthy lives. Just not cool with me.

Finally, I wouldn’t assume costs go down when you stay home. For typical UMC moms, they spend as much or more than the “work tax”. I worked very part time for two years after DS was born and hung out with the stay at home mom crew, and most days involved a mommy and me class and coffee, and there was a lot of time killing shopping (in person or online) because they had more time to worry about if baby had the right pair of arch supporting shoes, or tracking the fact that Janie and jack was having a sale, or just killing time at Target.

I think you mean we don't have any maternity leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For us it came down to this formula:

my income-daycare=not enough to make a major difference in our lifestyle

This was it for me. Plus I had a job that I knew I could go back to.

Same for us. When ours were very young DH’s company had a lot going on and he worked long hours and had to travel. I would have had to be the primary parent for everything and my job wasn’t flexible. It made more sense to step out for a bit.

Agree with the others commenting about those in the 800+ income range being able to take a break if they wanted. It’s totally fine to keep working if you love your job and lifestyle. But you truly could stay home if you wanted. That’s a different situation than OP is asking about.

I can't even understand these posts (if it's not a troll). We make 300K as a dual income couple and we just reached that in our mid-40's (public servants). It's incomprehensible that people think 800k isn't going to be enough.

[Anonymous]

I have twins in elementary school and I almost quit the year they were born because they had so many illnesses right after each other. I was exhausted and barely getting by in any part of my life. My husband and I did a major reset of household responsibilities and 10 years later I’m so glad I’m still a working professional. Financially I bring in half our income but I also worked really hard to do what I do and I don’t think I would be happy at home all day while my kids are in elementary school.

Only you can know the right answer here but my advice is not to make a long term decision based on a short term problem.

[Anonymous]

There are risks to both. Sure you’d be taking a financial risk forgoing your income to stay home, but no one ever seems to talk about the TIME with your kids that you can never get back if you continue to work. Not to mention the added stress that dual working parent families face and the strain that can put on your health and your marriage.

You just need to figure out your priorities and take an honest look at your financial situation and then go from there. This isn’t really something you can crowdsource, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to SAH on $800k HHI, you don’t want to SAH. Period. It’s ok, but own it.

I’m PP. not true at all for me. I really want to SAH but 800k really doesn’t cut it in a HCOL city.

Agree. We started shopping at Aldi and cutting coupons. HHI 650k and we are stressing on how to make it work.

[Anonymous]

People can lol at the comments about $800k not being enough (it probably would be for us), but here's the thing: If someone is making $800k, they probably work a lot and have a pretty high stress job. You go down to one income, and while you definitely have a nice life still, you don't have a "rich" life where you don't have to worry about costs. If you have two kids, $800k does not pay for 13 years of private school plus college and grad school and summer camps, plus a couple expensive vacations every year. So you have one person working the life of a high income person and making the money of a high income person, but with only one income you're not actually in the income bracket where money doesn't matter. And as someone who makes that kind of money myself (as does DH), i can tell you that the idea of putting this insane level of effort into my job for the next twenty years isn't doable. At some point (soon) both of us need to downshift. If you have another person making $250k (pretty normal in HCOL city if one spouse makes $800k; eg dual lawyers where one is a fed), now you have that extra money to pay for the schools and camps and all the extra stuff.

So yes of course $800k is more than enough to have a sahm. But it's not rolling in it money. And if i'm the spouse working hard enough to make $800k, i'd like to be rolling in it.

[Anonymous]

Salary has varied but always over 500k, but I have SAHM friends whose spouses make less. Most of those went back to work when kids were in upper elementary. We live below our means in a house we paid for in cash. Most of my friends were careful with money and also lived in less house than if both had been working. I have one friend whose husband only made about 90k and they still managed to send both kids to catholic school while she was a Sahm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who makes probably less than $150k and the wife stays home with the 4 kids.

This was me until the youngest hit K. I did absolutely everything (yard, cleaning, exc) and made it work, but our savings took a hit until I started working again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to SAH on $800k HHI, you don’t want to SAH. Period. It’s ok, but own it.

I’m PP. not true at all for me. I really want to SAH but 800k really doesn’t cut it in a HCOL city.

Another PP here and +1. I could see it being a real struggle in a HCOL area. Fortunately my DH isn't the kind of loser that would let his family suffer with such a meager income.