Are there people who attract narcissists?

[HappeeDance]

Definitely especially if said "narc" sees you as a source person.
Meaning someone they go out of their way to gaslight, criticize, frustrate and emotionally breakdown because it gives them a rush and makes them feel superior.

I was the victim of a narc for 3 years.

Ask me anything.

[Anonymous]

Melania

[Anonymous]

My DH. He doesn’t talk much about himself, but likes to listen to people and validates them, narcissist loves that. These people are his friends, I don’t think he has had a romantic relationship with a narcissist, he knows better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a narcissistic father and a mother who enabled it and also set me up to enable it (she’d explain to me explicitly how we needed to let him win arguments and defer to his moods “for our own benefit” for instance). In some ways I was fortunate because thanks to a traumatic family incident in my teens, I sought therapy during college and became aware of how dysfunctional my family was. I learned to spot narcissism and codependency snd successfully avoided it in my romantic relationships. Wound up with a guy who is very different than my dad and have a healthy relationship that is mutually respectful and not codependent.

BUT despite years of therapy and a lot of work to understand these patterns, I twice wound up in workplace situations where I was working for someone with narcissistic tendencies and slipped into my people pleasing, enabling habits from childhood. The first time I wrote it off as a fluke, a bad work experience. The second time I realized— i seek this dynamic out. Not in my romantic relationships, but at work and sometimes in friendships, I seek out authority figures who have similarities to my dad — demanding, self-absorbed, highly judgmental, and willing to weaponize the appearance of vulnerability to guilt ne into serving their needs. I crave approval from people like this because they are a stand in for my dad, whose approval I never got. And since a narcissist loves to have someone working hard for their approval, these people are also initially drawn to me. In both work situations, I quickly became the narcissists favorite pet/mentee.

And thus happened despite knowing my patterns and being on the lookout for this dynamic. But I didn’t think to check myself at work because it felt normal to have a controlling, disapproving boss at work who I wanted to impress. It took me years to realize what I was doing.

So yes, I do think some people attract narcissists.

Thanks for this post, it helped me realize some things about myself and my work style.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you are a covert narc yourself, OP?

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

[Anonymous]

Did you have a narc parent or grandparent? If so, it will take work to understand the patterns and create new ones.

If you lack empathy yourself, that is another issue that can be worked on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a narcissistic father and a mother who enabled it and also set me up to enable it (she’d explain to me explicitly how we needed to let him win arguments and defer to his moods “for our own benefit” for instance). In some ways I was fortunate because thanks to a traumatic family incident in my teens, I sought therapy during college and became aware of how dysfunctional my family was. I learned to spot narcissism and codependency snd successfully avoided it in my romantic relationships. Wound up with a guy who is very different than my dad and have a healthy relationship that is mutually respectful and not codependent.

BUT despite years of therapy and a lot of work to understand these patterns, I twice wound up in workplace situations where I was working for someone with narcissistic tendencies and slipped into my people pleasing, enabling habits from childhood. The first time I wrote it off as a fluke, a bad work experience. The second time I realized— i seek this dynamic out. Not in my romantic relationships, but at work and sometimes in friendships, I seek out authority figures who have similarities to my dad — demanding, self-absorbed, highly judgmental, and willing to weaponize the appearance of vulnerability to guilt ne into serving their needs. I crave approval from people like this because they are a stand in for my dad, whose approval I never got. And since a narcissist loves to have someone working hard for their approval, these people are also initially drawn to me. In both work situations, I quickly became the narcissists favorite pet/mentee.

And thus happened despite knowing my patterns and being on the lookout for this dynamic. But I didn’t think to check myself at work because it felt normal to have a controlling, disapproving boss at work who I wanted to impress. It took me years to realize what I was doing.

So yes, I do think some people attract narcissists.

This is exactly my situation too, and it took me nearly 40 years to recognize what was happening. Luckily, I married someone who was not a narcissist and he showed me what healthy relationships are supposed to look like. Every now and again when I do slip back into the pattern of getting sucked into an unhealthy
relationship, he points it out and explains exactly what they are doing that is not healthy. I still attract them though. All the time.

[Anonymous]

Big law attracts narcissists.

[Anonymous]

Three of my exes believe they’re Christ. So I seem to.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who has all the tendencies of a narcissist (what popular culture today defines it as). And she's raising her kids to believe they can do no wrong. And yet, she calls herself an empath. I think the fact that she believes she knows what everyone is thinking at all times contributes to her narcissism. It's a real mindfu#+k for anyone in their path.

I had a conversation with her once where she insisted I said something I never said. It wasn't about her or anything, it was about how my son was looking forward to playing tennis even though he was nervous. A couple of weeks later, she said she was going to pull her son from tennis because he only wanted to play if mine did. She said I told her my son was quitting. I said no, I never said that. She said "well that was the energy you were putting out when we talked about it so you might have changed your mind or something." Because she's a self proclaimed empath, she can (try to) manipulate a situation which is so narcissistic. You know?

[Anonymous]

I was handpicked by narcissists for a job in my 20s. I became friends with a colleague who was forced to be part of the interview process with me. She feels bad she didn't blink twice to warn me. She said they were definitely looking for a type. Besides being qualified they wanted someone very eager to please who didn't have too much confidence. That job almost broke me. The people I answered to were notoriously evil and two of them were going through divorces while I worked for them so they needed someone to scapegoat. OMG! I grew a pair and eventually got the heck out of there.

I morphed into a much more assertive person and narcs hate me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you are a covert narc yourself, OP?

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

Thank you for this list! OP here. No, but I am specifically talking about the listed attributes, at work, or in other relationships. Again, thank you for this list:

Having a sense of self-importance or grandiosity
Experiencing fantasies about being influential, famous, or important
Exaggerating their abilities, talents, and accomplishments
Craving admiration and acknowledgment
Being preoccupied with beauty, love, power, or success
Having an exaggerated sense of being unique
Believing that the world owes them something
Exploiting others to get what they want (no matter how it impacts others)
Lacking empathy toward others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who have suffered narcissistic abuse, especially in childhood at the hands of narcissistic parents, are drawn to narcissistic abuse in later life - if they date a partner who pushes the same buttons their parents did this feels familiar and comfortable and they often don’t have the healthy intimacy boundaries that would compel them to run away from a dating partner who exhibited narcissistic traits.

This is exactly correct. Same thing with physical abuse or alcoholism. Most people naturally gravitate towards the familiar. Children from abusive families need years of expert therapy. Otherwise, the cycle most often continues.

Actually, more of them become narcissistic themselves. There is evidence the brain actually changes in response to that abuse growing up. They repeat the cycle.

Narcs are attracted to empaths.

+1

OP here. Agree. Both narcs (different life relationships/stages) I have in mind were severely neglected as children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you are a covert narc yourself, OP?

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

Thank you for this list! OP here. No, but I am specifically talking about the listed attributes, at work, or in other relationships. Again, thank you for this list:

Having a sense of self-importance or grandiosity
Experiencing fantasies about being influential, famous, or important
Exaggerating their abilities, talents, and accomplishments
Craving admiration and acknowledgment
Being preoccupied with beauty, love, power, or success
Having an exaggerated sense of being unique
Believing that the world owes them something
Exploiting others to get what they want (no matter how it impacts others)
Lacking empathy toward others

Are all of these narcissistic traits? I don't think I'm a narcissist but I often have the bolded ones above. But I have a lot of empathy for others and definitely don't exploit people (the opposite, actually -- I think I can be too deferential). I always thought I just had low self esteem, but maybe I have narcissistic tendencies too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has all the tendencies of a narcissist (what popular culture today defines it as). And she's raising her kids to believe they can do no wrong. And yet, she calls herself an empath. I think the fact that she believes she knows what everyone is thinking at all times contributes to her narcissism. It's a real mindfu#+k for anyone in their path.

I had a conversation with her once where she insisted I said something I never said. It wasn't about her or anything, it was about how my son was looking forward to playing tennis even though he was nervous. A couple of weeks later, she said she was going to pull her son from tennis because he only wanted to play if mine did. She said I told her my son was quitting. I said no, I never said that. She said "well that was the energy you were putting out when we talked about it so you might have changed your mind or something." Because she's a self proclaimed empath, she can (try to) manipulate a situation which is so narcissistic. You know?

I knew someone like this. It was very frustrated because she believed very strongly that she was an authority on being empathetic and kind, and it got in the way of recognizing when she was being self-involved and self-important. Like she would lecture other people extensively on having good boundaries but if you tried to assert a boundary she didn't like, she'd constantly try to negotiate it to where she wanted it to be. She wouldn't get mad or have an obviously negative response (which would be a clear indication that you should distance yourself from her). She'd say "oh of course" and then keep trying to bend the rules to suit her.

Like I remember once she asked if me if I wanted to get together to do WFH at each other's homes sometimes, because she gets lonely working from home and likes company. I told her thanks for the invite but that I worked best in my own space and keeping my own schedule, so I wouldn't want to come to her house to work. She said okay but then the next week she said "I was thinking about what you said and I really think you'd benefit from a change of scenery -- I think you're just used to having control and it would be good for you to work in someone else's space." I reiterated that I wasn't interested but she just kept trying to wheedle me, it was very frustrating. I must have told her five or six times I did not want to work at her house before she finally stopped. She kept telling me that I needed to do it or giving explanations for it, sending me links to articles about collaborative work, etc. She could not recognize that it was she who was being controlling, that she was the one who was fixated on a rigid plan and unable to change course when I said it didn't work for me. She was convinced I was the problem but I was fine. She couldn't see that it was her behavior that needed the adjustment.