Who should help take care of MIL? A very complicated family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

+2

Sounds like there’s plenty of resources to go around, and it’s not fair to just dump MIL on SIL1 because they can.

If I were SIL1 I, too, would be pissed at the bait and switch.

I’m also annoyed by how much sexism there is baked into the premise that SIL2 should step up - she works full-time and has kids. In any case it’s not anyone’s true responsibilities outside of FIL, who indeed is absconding on his obligations.

OP here -

It's a suggestion my husband has thrown out. I think he feels like SIL2 (and BIL2) should help since they lived the closest and MIL provided full-time care to her kids before they went to school, neither had to go to daycare. There's actually currently *zero* pressure on SIL2 from my FIL or anyone in the family, it hasn't been formally discussed at all.

Why would the expectation be that *she* help when they *both* benefitted from the free childcare.

What is your husband, BIL1, and BIL2 doing to help? Or is this viewed as purely a woman’s responsibility??

BIL1 pays all the bills. He is really the one bankrolling the situation. He is the sole income earner in the household and pays the mortgage, utilities, and will write checks for FIL if needed.

My husband did help, and will check on MIL if asked or needed.

BIL2 ... does not help.

My BIL1 and FIL are buddies. It's a really crappy patriarchal dynamic. BIL1 will take FIL on vacations and joins in on the recreational trips and SIL1 and MIL just get left at home.

That sucks. Situations like these are why I'm not a SAHM and will discourage my daughter from being one, too. My family was also very patriarchal, much like this, but my sister and I both broke away from that crap. OP, thank goodness it's not exactly your problem like it is for your SIL.

It really does suck. I don't agree with a lot of the dynamic. My FIL gets plenty of respite and time away with BIL1 but it always falls to my SIL1.

[Anonymous]

The siblings, MIL and FIL need to figure this out. It doesn’t matter what seems fair because decisions and choices made years ago should not impact what needs to be done now. No one should volunteer any family member to step up. SIL1 has done more than enough and unless she volunteers, shouldn’t be counted on to upend her life over someone else’s parents.
FIL needs to take fewer and shorter trips. SIL1 and her DH can move out if the parents won’t. Farm out care to lessen burden on anyone. Moving to rural area, even with amenities doesn’t sound like an option at this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard understand who are the actual children of FIL and MIL. Are these 3 brothers and you are trying to commander their wives to take care of their MIL?

Plus 1.

That is what it sounds like.

+1

SIL1 isn't MIL's daughter. Why on earth is she saddled with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all need to sit down and hash this out, OP. Most likely, they need to hire caregivers and find their own place to live. Moving MIL to a rural area isn’t a great idea *unless* there is outstanding medical care nearby - usually not the case, but there are are exceptions.

Generally, too much is being expected of the women in this situation.

OP here -

They do have somewhere to live. They can live at their second property which is about 10 minutes away from a small community hospital. There are specialists and primary care doctors in the area. It is a small area but there is resources available.

Got it. And if they move there, everything falls to FIL, correct? Is he on board with that? Driving her to every appointment, etc.?

It sounds like a lousy situation all around.

Well yes, that is what spouses do for each other - he can also hire some help so that he gets some support.

What he can't do is farm the work out to his son's wife (WTH).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

+2

Sounds like there’s plenty of resources to go around, and it’s not fair to just dump MIL on SIL1 because they can.

If I were SIL1 I, too, would be pissed at the bait and switch.

I’m also annoyed by how much sexism there is baked into the premise that SIL2 should step up - she works full-time and has kids. In any case it’s not anyone’s true responsibilities outside of FIL, who indeed is absconding on his obligations.

OP here -

It's a suggestion my husband has thrown out. I think he feels like SIL2 (and BIL2) should help since they lived the closest and MIL provided full-time care to her kids before they went to school, neither had to go to daycare. There's actually currently *zero* pressure on SIL2 from my FIL or anyone in the family, it hasn't been formally discussed at all.

So she conceived the kids on her own?

[Anonymous]

I would say to butt out and let them figure it out. Speak up if and when it impacts you and your child.
DOn't volunteer for anything unless you have a solid relationship and you are prepared for giving an inch and folks taking a mile.
MIL moved around the corner from us- she did not ask- she simply moved- expecting DH to become her companion and caregiver.
Animosities among siblings, time spent away from the family, use of free time to help her, vacations etc. It all takes atoll and completely shifts relationships.
Our marriage nearly ended because of it, frankly I should have walked away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^it also completely sucks that this couple’s children apparently can’t coordinate to support their parents. Three kids, and they can’t figure it out? Lousy. They don’t have to do all of it, but FFS, find a way to give their parents some support: care for mom, respite for dad.

Three men, and their approach seems to involve leveraging their wives.

[Anonymous]

This is 100% FIL responsibility. It’s up to each son how much they are going to enable his neglect. And up to each DIL too.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone taken the time to ask MIL about her wishes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all need to sit down and hash this out, OP. Most likely, they need to hire caregivers and find their own place to live. Moving MIL to a rural area isn’t a great idea *unless* there is outstanding medical care nearby - usually not the case, but there are are exceptions.

Generally, too much is being expected of the women in this situation.

OP here -

They do have somewhere to live. They can live at their second property which is about 10 minutes away from a small community hospital. There are specialists and primary care doctors in the area. It is a small area but there is resources available.

Got it. And if they move there, everything falls to FIL, correct? Is he on board with that? Driving her to every appointment, etc.?

It sounds like a lousy situation all around.

OP here. Correct, everything falls on him.

But ... I feel like I'm going to catch heat for this ... isn't that kind of FIL's role as her spouse to take care of her? It was FIL and MIL's retirement plan all along to move to their rural cabin and live out the rest of their lives in their retirement. They still plan on moving there. They just haven't made any kind of concrete arrangements and their plan is to continue MIL's medical care 1.5 - 2hrs away when they do move rather than shift medical care providers.

It's not anybody's duty to be someone else's full time caregiver. That is the quickest way to end up with lousy care, and burnout and resentment. It's one thing if money is an issue and someone in the family has to do it. But in this case it seems like it's just that no one thinks that the women's lives are worth anything so they are going to get stuck taking care of someone they aren't even related to.

Obviously none of this is your call. But to the extent you have a say or a voice, I would really advocate for getting regular help. The family can pitch in and provide the emotional support. But it is not fair, right, or reasonable to expect that other people are going to sacrifice their lives to care for MIL - if they volunteer to do it, fine, so be it. I know families where this is how it works. Heck in my own family, my father provides most of the care for my mother, who has multiple medical issues - but she doesn't need full time care (she's mobile, though can't drive or get around easily). And he still has the flexibility to be away for part of every day (not overnight though). He does this because he wants to, though. If he didn't, then we would make sure there was someone there who did want to be there, because it's their job.

But even then there should be paid backup. How in the world does it make sense for people to be fighting over who is going to do this, in a rich family?

I don't know about this cabin plan. Sounds unrealistic to me. Perhaps your in laws are clinging to a dream about the life they thought they'd be having now.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused- who are their children? the sons or the daughters?

[Anonymous]

16:56 again. OP you should stay out of it. And your FIL is the AH here. This is what marriage IS. Taking care of your spouse when they need it. Now, that doesn't mean you have to be the one changing their diapers..... but he can't just go on vacations. Sheesh.

I am preparing to move 600 miles away because I feel called to care for my aging parent (who has similar symptoms BTW) and I feel called to HELP. But I am not the main person *responsible* for mom's care.

[Anonymous]

I’m honestly surprised that a social worker thinks a viable solution is forcing other adults (FIL *or* SIL2) to do a damn thing. You can’t make grown adults do what you think they should, so all lines of reasoning that basically amount to “we should all come together and tell a family member how to live their life” are just null and void.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:56 again. OP you should stay out of it. And your FIL is the AH here. This is what marriage IS. Taking care of your spouse when they need it. Now, that doesn't mean you have to be the one changing their diapers..... but he can't just go on vacations. Sheesh.

I am preparing to move 600 miles away because I feel called to care for my aging parent (who has similar symptoms BTW) and I feel called to HELP. But I am not the main person *responsible* for mom's care.

OP here -

I haven't discussed this with any of my inlaws or suggested anything. My husband and I have discussed it in private. He is burnt out from being the one who did help on and off for 10+ years, he *feels* (and again, this is only a feeling, it doesn't mean it's right or wrong) that because my BIL1 bought his parents house and SIL2 benefited from free childcare that his sister should help. Again, I'm not saying its what my inlaws should do I'm saying its what my husband thinks and I just brought it up in DCUM as a point of discussion.

And I do agree, my FIL needs to scale back on his time out of town because it puts a huge burden on my SIL1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused- who are their children? the sons or the daughters?

I believe the sons and that the sisters-in-law are OP and her DH's brothers' wives, but OP can confirm.