My wife wants to quit her job... help me get comfortable with it

[Anonymous]

My wife has wanted to quit her job for several years now, and we haven't mostly because of my worries. There are some clear cut reasons to leave: its a job that wont likely ever lead to promotion, the pay is not remarkable in any way, its rather inflexible when it comes to vacation (max you can take at one time is 1 week) and time off (theres no work 3 days a week option here) and daily hours (if you miss an hour of work you are expected to stay an hour late), her commute is a grinding hour-long each way, etc. Yet, despite these facts I still get nervous with her quitting... am I being unreasonable in my concerns? What would you do in our situation?

A little more context: My HHI is approx $170. Hers is much lower, and with what we pay the nanny, cost of gas and food at work, her net take home is perhaps only $1,000 a month. That's not small potatoes, but it isn't exactly sending us to Europe in business class either. She contributes about $8,000 a year to 401K however, which would be a real loss (but perhaps one we can live with for a bit, and obviously not one we'd feel). On the other hand, once we have no nanny in a few years, we could literally put $4,000 a month towards savings, 529 plans, vacations, you name it - and that IS a lot. Moreover, we are young, in our late 20s, this is the prime moment to be saving for retirement etc.

So my first concern: I feel like comparing the $1,000 a month loss right now is missing the bigger picture of what we might save in a 3 or 4 years when we have no nanny (or just a part time nanny), and therefore isn't a "fair" comparison. On the other hand, why work for years in a job you hate for a measly $10,000 or so a year?

That brings me to concern #2: Once she leaves the workforce, getting back in will be next to impossible. I'd be less concerned about #1 if I felt like this wasn't true, but I hear it again and again and again. SAHMs cant get jobs. Fortunately shes not in IT or legal or anything thats fast-moving - so the skills I would imagine don't become stale quite as fast, but the risk still seems quite real and tangible. Especially because she's looked for another job now and hasn't been successful - if she cant find something else now while employed, who the heck will employ her when she's been out of the workforce for a few years? I have a very small business that generates perhaps $5,000 a year in income, mostly because I do next to nothing to promote it, its not exactly the same business as my wife is in but its close; one option I thought of was to give her a role at this business working with clients, and her resume would at least reflect some form of employment, perhaps "Co-Founder" or something of the sort. It isn't the same as a full-time gig, but at least the resume wouldn't say "Member of the PTA" or something stupid like that. With her involvement, its possible the business could grow, but its also quite likely that with kids and no nanny, she'd not be investing more than an hour a day realistically. So, I don't think this is an income replacement strategy as much as its a "fill the gap on the resume strategy".

Concern #3 - I worry the grass is greener. Being a SAHM conjures up pictures of lunch dates with your friends, not afternoons spent with crying babies and cleaning up poop stains. If she does this, and it isnt the panacea one would hope, will we have shot ourselves in the foot - lost an exceptional nanny and stuck at home with no job prospects. Anyone out there make the leap and regret it?

What would you do? What did you do? Did you regret it?

[Anonymous]

Man up and take care of your family or turn in your man card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man up and take care of your family or turn in your man card.

Thanks, thats really helpful. What does that even mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man up and take care of your family or turn in your man card.

Thanks, thats really helpful. What does that even mean?

Then skip to the second part and turn it in. Let her quit the job and stop worrying.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it if I were her. You need to think long-term. Financially, the nanny thing is so short-lived and the consequences of leaving the workforce are enormous, as you outlined. Having a parent stay at home completely changes the dynamic of a relationship as well - you might become more stressed about being the only provider, you might expect her to do more around the house (I would) and she might resent it, etc - a million things. Can she look for another job? The commute especially is brutal.

[Anonymous]

Why can't she take a larger role in your side business and grow it?

How hard has she been looking for another job? Has she thought about different fields that might be a good fit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man up and take care of your family or turn in your man card.

Thanks, thats really helpful. What does that even mean?

Then skip to the second part and turn it in. Let her quit the job and stop worrying.

Ignore this poster, please, OP. You seem like a thoughtful guy and they're just trying (ineffectively and confusingly) to cause trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do it if I were her. You need to think long-term. Financially, the nanny thing is so short-lived and the consequences of leaving the workforce are enormous, as you outlined. Having a parent stay at home completely changes the dynamic of a relationship as well - you might become more stressed about being the only provider, you might expect her to do more around the house (I would) and she might resent it, etc - a million things. Can she look for another job? The commute especially is brutal.

Agree with this. You can really save quite a lot once your child(ren) is/are in school. Are there other jobs closer to home, with potential for part time or with more flexible hours/vacation? I think not commuting 2 hours a day would make a BIG difference in her life and attitude about the job.

[Anonymous]

NP here. What kind of man are you? If you can't take care of your family on 6 figures then you aren't much of a man. Heck you don't even need that much. My husband would never make me work at a job I hated. I don't care if he made 30,000 a year- he would make it work so I could be happy.

I work because I want to. If I don't want to then I will stop. My husband does not need me to take care of our family financially but he appreciates whatever I want to do. And we are not rich or wealthy.

Sounds like you should have married one of the manly women on here who are sure to come to your defense and call your wife lazy. Or maybe you should have married your paycheck.

It doesn't matter...you are still acting like a punk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man up and take care of your family or turn in your man card.

Thanks, thats really helpful. What does that even mean?

Then skip to the second part and turn it in. Let her quit the job and stop worrying.

Ignore this poster, please, OP. You seem like a thoughtful guy and they're just trying (ineffectively and confusingly) to cause trouble.

This 1st poster posts the exact same line on all the SAHM/WOH threads. She personifies your worry that you wife will be on the Internet all day and not really contributing to the family.

[Anonymous]

If the reason she wants to stay at home is because she doesn't like her job, then she should look for a new job before making any final decisions. If she wants to stay home because she misses the kids and wants to raise them, then that's a different story. Is she interested in your side business? You know that you'd need childcare if she took that up, right?

How much does her income compare to what you pay the nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. What kind of man are you? If you can't take care of your family on 6 figures then you aren't much of a man. Heck you don't even need that much. My husband would never make me work at a job I hated. I don't care if he made 30,000 a year- he would make it work so I could be happy.

I work because I want to. If I don't want to then I will stop. My husband does not need me to take care of our family financially but he appreciates whatever I want to do. And we are not rich or wealthy.

Sounds like you should have married one of the manly women on here who are sure to come to your defense and call your wife lazy. Or maybe you should have married your paycheck.

It doesn't matter...you are still acting like a punk.

Doubt you're an NP. Regardless, you're totally pathetic. Why do you need someone to take care of you? Oh, right--because you can't do it on your own. I'm sure he's quite happy he didn't marry a dumb little shrew like you.

[Anonymous]

Support her. Encourage her. We have the same HHI and are doing just fine. My husband encouraged me to quit and I was the one worried. He puts money into my IRA every year, maxed out his and took extra life insurance knowing my earning potential just took a nose dive. Yes, there is a lot of poop, pee, diaper changes, etc. involved, but there is the fun of kids activities, lunches (family and friends), meeting my husband for lunch, etc. Either way you have the daily grind. What is nice is now that I am home, I have taken 100% of the major stuff over so when my husband comes home he gets to relax and enjoy the kids. I pay the bills, do the appointments, clean the house, usually cook (sometimes not if we are too busy - those lunches wear you out ), etc. It is nice to have that balance and not feel rushed to have that quality time with the kids rather than worrying about cooking, cleaning and homework after we both are tired and finally home from work. I have no regrets and wish I listened to my husband in the first place (he would have supported me working too, but only in a job I enjoyed and was happy in).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. What kind of man are you? If you can't take care of your family on 6 figures then you aren't much of a man. Heck you don't even need that much. My husband would never make me work at a job I hated. I don't care if he made 30,000 a year- he would make it work so I could be happy.

I work because I want to. If I don't want to then I will stop. My husband does not need me to take care of our family financially but he appreciates whatever I want to do. And we are not rich or wealthy.

Sounds like you should have married one of the manly women on here who are sure to come to your defense and call your wife lazy. Or maybe you should have married your paycheck.

It doesn't matter...you are still acting like a punk.

OP must be very glad he is not married to you. You are very nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man up and take care of your family or turn in your man card.

This is a really stupid, sexist post. I am a woman and have toyed with the idea of working PT. My DH is comfortable with this but we are unsure for all the reasons OP discusses. My benefits are very generous, so we would lose out not just on my salary but on the amazing amount of contributions to my 401K, low healthcare premiums, bonuses and other perks I receive.

OP, I really don't know what to tell you other than all of your concerns are well-founded and your points are well made. You sound like a wonderful husband, IMO. What I will say is that you two are still very young, doing very well (late 20's and already a salary of $170K? Wow.), and if your DW can find a way to keep her skills and resume fairly current as you suggest then the financial "hit" is something you can compensate for down the line. As you get older and have more kids, your priorities will change and there is no absolute "right" way to do this, only the way that is best for your family and your values.

Talk it over with your wife, share your concerns, and discuss together what you think is best for your family. Good luck. You guys are doing great and I think you'll be just fine whichever way you go.