Would you get an amnio? Ambiguous genitalia at 20 week US

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I am sorry about the stress.

I can only speak to the stress of two. My second child was a GEM. An amazing sleeper, so exceptionally beautiful, calm. Everyone literally cooed when he was born. He had this incredible presence. He fit right into our family and added SO much joy.

It’s not always terrible and stressful. I encourage you to not stress about that aspect. It might go wonderfully! I hope it does!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm just so sad and can't understand why this is happening, and I'm also sad about being sad if that makes sense. With the very real physical labor ahead of me and the upcoming adjustment to having two kids, feeling like I'm not going into it with a positive attitude is really frightening. Like how am I going to cope with labor pain and being sleep deprived and wrangling a toddler and a newborn, all of which is quite hard on its own, if I'm sad and scared on top of it? It feels quite lonely, also, since my husband is pretty much just like "Well, we don't know anything yet and can't currently do anything, so I'll just calmly wait and see what happens."

So, first, I would just remind you to give yourself the same grace and empathy you are already providing for your child. Just like your child is an embodiment that things are not always (are not often!) black or white, your emotions too don't have to be a perfectly coherent set of responses. There is nothing wrong with being sad and sad; happy and happy; happy and sad; grateful and angry; angry and confused; confused and happy. Etc.

Finding a support group does sound like a great idea, even if your husband processed things just like you do. (And, do I ever feel you on being not alone but feeling alone ... my children were born with some serious challenges and my husband's response to a scary call from the hospital was to get some sleep. Mine was to never sleep again!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, kicking GD's ass is not a small victory. That's a great thing for you and your baby!

I feel you on having a hard time deferring an emotional reaction right now. It seems extremely unreasonable to expect you to defer a reaction until you know what reaction to have. You are reacting to the uncertainty, the flip-flopping, the confusion. I imagine it would be triggering every time, working hard to find an equilibrium only to have it smashed with every ultrasound.

It seems like it might be helpful to be in touch with the psychological resources NOW, not after the baby comes. What do you think of that?

I think it is really unfair that everyone (husband, doctors) is expecting you to table your reaction until the baby gets here. It is obviously a really different situation, but if you found out during your 20 week ultrasound that your baby had a genetic condition that would result in profound special needs, you'd be connected with a counselor to process that right away. Why is that not happening for you now?

My best guess is that no one knows precisely what resource to direct me to since we don't have a diagnosis, so it's not on anyone's radar at the moment - not the doctors, anyway. In terms of generalized counseling, it's been my own choice (maybe a poor one!) not to prioritize seeking that out right now; I've got a toddler, a full-time job, side projects that take up a lot of time, so the additional effort of finding a mental health provider and then going to yet more appointments hasn't seemed worthwhile to me since I'm mostly ok. That calculus may change once I'm on maternity leave and at least not dealing with work every day.

OP, it's pretty normal to be an emotional wreck in the last few weeks of pregnancy even when everything is rainbows and sparkles. Don't be hard on yourself! I would, however, gently suggest you find a therapist you like now rather than wait until you're in the middle of it with a toddler and newborn.

[Anonymous]

Hey op, sorry if you or others have mentioned or thought of this - would a conversation with a pediatric endocrinologist be helpful?

[Anonymous]

OP, I just had an unexpected complication pop up in my pregnancy (only 20 weeks, totally diagnosable and normal complication) and I spent days stressing and crying and freaking out because Things Weren’t Going As Planned. I can’t imagine dealing with the uncertainty you’re going through at the moment! You got this, though! You’re beating your GD and your child will have a loving mother and family unquestionably. If you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to find a therapist now, I hope you’re able to do so on maternity leave — you deserve all the support and help. <3

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe journaling would help even if all you do later is throw the notebook away to release all those thoughts and feelings. You sound like you continue to handle this as best you can. Some days are easier than others. You are allowed to have good days and bad days. Maybe you can also insulate yourself. Don’t read the reports from the ultrasounds anymore. Tell your doctors that you just want to see and hear baby, that they can best help you by letting you authentically experience your baby. Before you go onto leave I would strongly suggest you pull a list of approved providers from your health insurance list to have on hand.

I’m glad you’re kicking GD’s butt! I also hope you have all the treats lined up to help you celebrate the birth of your little one. This is another area where you can ask your delivery team to help you during labor and delivery. Tell them that celebrating baby’s arrival is what matters most and that you know big conversations and decisions lay ahead of you and your husband but unless they are medically necessary and urgent then you’d like time to soak up the moment. Call in reinforcements to help with your toddler. All those people that offer help give them specific stuff to do for you, toddler and baby! Your community will rally around you even if they don’t know what to do or say. You will learn together.

I pray for you often and am so excited for you to welcome your sweet little one soon! You’ve got this OP!!!

[Anonymous]

Op, sending you all my best wishes. I have two suggestions which are based on my experience having a child with some disabilities, which is not the same but has some similarities in terms of the emotion and the difficulties of having some of your expectations thrown for a loop/not knowing what the future holds in a more vivid, unavoidable way.

1. This advice is what our pediatrician told me and my husband after my son was born: talk each other about how you’re feeling. He said you will not both deal with things in the same way which is fine, but it’s important to talk about what you are feeling bc the other person will not know otherwise. I think in your case it might help you to explain to your husband that you feel like his calmness is making you feel like he’s judging your emotions. Maybe then he can explain that he isn’t intending to do that but that the “no point in freaking out” stuff he is sharing w you is what he is telling himself to calm down.

2. If you feel like seeing a therapist now would just be an additional task then you don’t have to! But if you would find it helpful if you could skip the research part, we saw Kate Marosek a couple of times when I was having a lot of anxiety during my second pregnancy based on sort of unresolved feelings about my first (w my child with disabilities). She specializes in pregnancy loss and infertility but I found her helpful as these emotions around pregnancy feel related. You could see her alone or w your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's easier for your DH to remain calm because he's not also 38 weeks pregnant. That's work you're doing, and it's harder to wrap your head around all of it.

I have no doubt that you're going to love your baby and be a good mother for this baby. You're thoughtful, and, sure, you're having some big feelings, but you're acknowledging them and talking about them, and that's really the most responsible thing you can do.

Best wishes for the coming weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

2. If you feel like seeing a therapist now would just be an additional task then you don’t have to! But if you would find it helpful if you could skip the research part, we saw Kate Marosek a couple of times when I was having a lot of anxiety during my second pregnancy based on sort of unresolved feelings about my first (w my child with disabilities). She specializes in pregnancy loss and infertility but I found her helpful as these emotions around pregnancy feel related. You could see her alone or w your husband.

Seconding the recommendation for Kate. She does Saturday appointments if that's helpful for lessening the overwhelmed feeling (I know how daunting it can be to add something to weekdays). And I was able to get in relatively quickly to see her for a first appointment after a loss. She's sliding scale, so on the one hand, no insurance coverage, but on the other hand, no dealing with your insurance, you can just go.

You know best what you need, but she's a good option if you decide a therapist would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

2. If you feel like seeing a therapist now would just be an additional task then you don’t have to! But if you would find it helpful if you could skip the research part, we saw Kate Marosek a couple of times when I was having a lot of anxiety during my second pregnancy based on sort of unresolved feelings about my first (w my child with disabilities). She specializes in pregnancy loss and infertility but I found her helpful as these emotions around pregnancy feel related. You could see her alone or w your husband.

Seconding the recommendation for Kate. She does Saturday appointments if that's helpful for lessening the overwhelmed feeling (I know how daunting it can be to add something to weekdays). And I was able to get in relatively quickly to see her for a first appointment after a loss. She's sliding scale, so on the one hand, no insurance coverage, but on the other hand, no dealing with your insurance, you can just go.

You know best what you need, but she's a good option if you decide a therapist would help.

Another vote for Kate. I posted upthread (many pages ago) about how she helped me re-write the narrative constantly running in my head. So helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

2. If you feel like seeing a therapist now would just be an additional task then you don’t have to! But if you would find it helpful if you could skip the research part, we saw Kate Marosek a couple of times when I was having a lot of anxiety during my second pregnancy based on sort of unresolved feelings about my first (w my child with disabilities). She specializes in pregnancy loss and infertility but I found her helpful as these emotions around pregnancy feel related. You could see her alone or w your husband.

Seconding the recommendation for Kate. She does Saturday appointments if that's helpful for lessening the overwhelmed feeling (I know how daunting it can be to add something to weekdays). And I was able to get in relatively quickly to see her for a first appointment after a loss. She's sliding scale, so on the one hand, no insurance coverage, but on the other hand, no dealing with your insurance, you can just go.

You know best what you need, but she's a good option if you decide a therapist would help.

Another vote for Kate. I posted upthread (many pages ago) about how she helped me re-write the narrative constantly running in my head. So helpful.

Thank you all for the specific recommendation, but I actually moved away from the DC area several years ago so I'd need to find someone where I am now. I guess I just kept coming to the forum out of habit, and I'm glad I did - you're all so helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you are feeling emotional and worried. Anyone who says they wouldn't be having that reaction is lying! Like many of the previous posters have said, I wish i knew you in real life so that i could give you a hug and help you and tell you that I would be there to help you through it. Do you have a good support system? Would you consider finding a counselor now? You need support and the ability to air and work through your feelings without feeling guilty about them. I am wishing you the absolute best and sending you virtual hugs.

I definitely hear what people are saying about finding a counselor now and I'm not dismissing it, it honestly just feels like it would be one more thing on my to-do list and I just don't have the bandwidth right now. I'm already sick of appointments, phone calls, tasks, etc. and hardly have anything together as it is (I swear I'm going to pack my hospital bag today . . . ). I can manage another couple of weeks and then reassess, I think.

+1. I understand not wanting to see a therapist. A therapist can’t change the situation you’re in and it might make you more upset and worried to sit around and talk about it with someone. It’s also time consuming and expensive. If I were you, I’d prefer to spend the time and money on activities to help me get my mind off of this. So prenatal massage, go see a movie, dinner with a friend etc.

[Anonymous]

OP checking in, still pregnant! Much more prepared now though, finally packed my hospital bag and some clothes for the baby, set up the bassinet and all that, even ordered the toddler a gift "from" the new baby (dinosaur books!). I think getting all the prep and supplies together has been helpful in reminding me that whatever else is going on, this is also just . . . a baby. We have some questions, but still need to/get to do all the regular baby stuff. It's like a bit of normalcy.

So with that said, now I'm just trying to get mentally prepared for labor. I did Hypnobabies last time and it was fine but way too time-consuming, so now I'm sort of just . . . winging it? Is that what most STMs do? I've listened to some of the Hypnobabies audio I still have on my computer to encourage a positive/relaxed mindset and all that, hopefully that'll be enough. I'm in week 39 now, so it shouldn't be too much longer of a wait.

[Anonymous]

Best wishes, OP! I saw this thread had been bumped and I was hoping it meant you were updating to say you'd had your sweet baby.

As a fellow STM, I also plan on sort of just winging it. Labor is what it is. My midwife asked me last week if my husband and I were planning to do a birth class and I almost laughed out loud when I said that we would not be. Who has time for that with another child running around the house and prepping for a new baby and work and keeping our sh*t together??

Hope that your birth is smooth and wishing you the best in the upcoming weeks.

[Anonymous]

Hugs Op. I wish you all the best.