Eye-opening new study on the harms of divorce

[Anonymous]

"The three events — loss of financial resources, a decline in neighborhood quality and missing parental involvement because of distance or an increased workload required to make up for lost income — accounted for 25% to 60% of the impact divorce has on children's outcomes, the study said."

This. When both parents have enough money, many (not all) of the major causes of harm caused by divorce go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares about the kids? Parents happiness and fulfillment comes first.

Yep, if the parents aren’t happy the kids won’t be so if you’re in an unhappy marriage, Wake up and Get out.

Sure, make it your kid’s fault that you made a bad choice for a spouse. Or your spouse made a bad choice.

You missed the point completely. You’re doing more harm to your kid by staying in a horrible relationship in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of the posters are defensive, not sure why. I would think that parents who divorce are, inherently, not mature and normal people. As in something was wrong with them anyway. These people will destroy whatever they can, including their kids' lives.

You actually said why are people being so defensive while literally attacking people for not being sensitive to their kid’s needs. You have major issues. I guess you walk around judging half the population in your narrow view of the world, because half the adults you come in contact with are divorced.

I think some of the folks attacking divorced people are protesting too much, you know? People who are happily married don’t usually feel the need to be so judgy about divorced people.

I am not a PP who has attacked divorced parents, but I have seen some of my kids' friends who have divorced parents and they tend to tell me and my kids that they hate it while their parents tell me the kids are totally ok with it. I just nod because it's not my place to get involved. I also don't think a divorce is always the worst thing for a kid, and I don't think any sweeping generalizations are useful.

Im sorry but I really find this hard to believe that your kid’s friends are talking to you about their parents divorce and opening up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares about the kids? Parents happiness and fulfillment comes first.

Yep, if the parents aren’t happy the kids won’t be so if you’re in an unhappy marriage, Wake up and Get out.

Sure, make it your kid’s fault that you made a bad choice for a spouse. Or your spouse made a bad choice.

You missed the point completely. You’re doing more harm to your kid by staying in a horrible relationship in front of them.

It depends what the “horror” is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of the posters are defensive, not sure why. I would think that parents who divorce are, inherently, not mature and normal people. As in something was wrong with them anyway. These people will destroy whatever they can, including their kids' lives.

You actually said why are people being so defensive while literally attacking people for not being sensitive to their kid’s needs. You have major issues. I guess you walk around judging half the population in your narrow view of the world, because half the adults you come in contact with are divorced.

I think some of the folks attacking divorced people are protesting too much, you know? People who are happily married don’t usually feel the need to be so judgy about divorced people.

I am not a PP who has attacked divorced parents, but I have seen some of my kids' friends who have divorced parents and they tend to tell me and my kids that they hate it while their parents tell me the kids are totally ok with it. I just nod because it's not my place to get involved. I also don't think a divorce is always the worst thing for a kid, and I don't think any sweeping generalizations are useful.

Im sorry but I really find this hard to believe that your kid’s friends are talking to you about their parents divorce and opening up to you.

That’s just you. DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of the posters are defensive, not sure why. I would think that parents who divorce are, inherently, not mature and normal people. As in something was wrong with them anyway. These people will destroy whatever they can, including their kids' lives.

You actually said why are people being so defensive while literally attacking people for not being sensitive to their kid’s needs. You have major issues. I guess you walk around judging half the population in your narrow view of the world, because half the adults you come in contact with are divorced.

I think some of the folks attacking divorced people are protesting too much, you know? People who are happily married don’t usually feel the need to be so judgy about divorced people.

I am not a PP who has attacked divorced parents, but I have seen some of my kids' friends who have divorced parents and they tend to tell me and my kids that they hate it while their parents tell me the kids are totally ok with it. I just nod because it's not my place to get involved. I also don't think a divorce is always the worst thing for a kid, and I don't think any sweeping generalizations are useful.

Im sorry but I really find this hard to believe that your kid’s friends are talking to you about their parents divorce and opening up to you.

I'm the PP who cried when my parents divorced, but look back and know I was better off. I completely believe that kids' friends talk about their experiences. But I also know I probably would have said stuff like that when I was a kid — in part because that was the vocabulary I had at the time. I wasn't yet mature enough, or had time enough, to hold or articulate a bigger picture. To be honest, there was also a quite a bit of "trying on" feelings, if that makes sense. It doesn't mean I wasn't feeling it in the moment (I was!). But it wasn't the only feeling, and it wasn't necessarily the lasting feeling. So, while I totally believe PP, I also would allow space for feelings and perspectives to evolve and gain more nuance/complexity over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of the posters are defensive, not sure why. I would think that parents who divorce are, inherently, not mature and normal people. As in something was wrong with them anyway. These people will destroy whatever they can, including their kids' lives.

You actually said why are people being so defensive while literally attacking people for not being sensitive to their kid’s needs. You have major issues. I guess you walk around judging half the population in your narrow view of the world, because half the adults you come in contact with are divorced.

I think some of the folks attacking divorced people are protesting too much, you know? People who are happily married don’t usually feel the need to be so judgy about divorced people.

I am not a PP who has attacked divorced parents, but I have seen some of my kids' friends who have divorced parents and they tend to tell me and my kids that they hate it while their parents tell me the kids are totally ok with it. I just nod because it's not my place to get involved. I also don't think a divorce is always the worst thing for a kid, and I don't think any sweeping generalizations are useful.

Im sorry but I really find this hard to believe that your kid’s friends are talking to you about their parents divorce and opening up to you.

DP. That is because you are a horrible person, and nobody wants to talk to you. You are defective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of the posters are defensive, not sure why. I would think that parents who divorce are, inherently, not mature and normal people. As in something was wrong with them anyway. These people will destroy whatever they can, including their kids' lives.

You actually said why are people being so defensive while literally attacking people for not being sensitive to their kid’s needs. You have major issues. I guess you walk around judging half the population in your narrow view of the world, because half the adults you come in contact with are divorced.

I think some of the folks attacking divorced people are protesting too much, you know? People who are happily married don’t usually feel the need to be so judgy about divorced people.

I am not a PP who has attacked divorced parents, but I have seen some of my kids' friends who have divorced parents and they tend to tell me and my kids that they hate it while their parents tell me the kids are totally ok with it. I just nod because it's not my place to get involved. I also don't think a divorce is always the worst thing for a kid, and I don't think any sweeping generalizations are useful.

Im sorry but I really find this hard to believe that your kid’s friends are talking to you about their parents divorce and opening up to you.

DP. That is because you are a horrible person, and nobody wants to talk to you. You are defective.

What are you/ 5 years old? Um, ok.
No, lady. My kid’s friends come over to actually play with the kids but aren’t sitting in the living room, sipping coffee talking about the affects that divorce has had on them with the parents of the kids that are waiting to ride bikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of the posters are defensive, not sure why. I would think that parents who divorce are, inherently, not mature and normal people. As in something was wrong with them anyway. These people will destroy whatever they can, including their kids' lives.

You actually said why are people being so defensive while literally attacking people for not being sensitive to their kid’s needs. You have major issues. I guess you walk around judging half the population in your narrow view of the world, because half the adults you come in contact with are divorced.

I think some of the folks attacking divorced people are protesting too much, you know? People who are happily married don’t usually feel the need to be so judgy about divorced people.

I am not a PP who has attacked divorced parents, but I have seen some of my kids' friends who have divorced parents and they tend to tell me and my kids that they hate it while their parents tell me the kids are totally ok with it. I just nod because it's not my place to get involved. I also don't think a divorce is always the worst thing for a kid, and I don't think any sweeping generalizations are useful.

Im sorry but I really find this hard to believe that your kid’s friends are talking to you about their parents divorce and opening up to you.

DP. That is because you are a horrible person, and nobody wants to talk to you. You are defective.

We have a winner of first place for having an unhappy marriage. You have to be in the worst marriage to come across so bitter. They’re is a better side to life. Go search for it as you can find some happiness, Oh, bitter one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was interesting and insightful: a study on the economic and social impacts of divorce. For children whose parents divorce when they are young, more likely to experience teen pregnancy, jail and early death, less earning potential:

https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/baltimore/news/children-divorce-finance-economy-university-of-maryland/

And how does that compare to children whose parents stay together despite dysfunctionality and hating each other?

If they can’t make those comparisons, I am not interested in these findings.

This.

My parents waited far too long to divorce and it did irreparable harm to us. If they had done it when we were 8 and 3, we would have been spared some truly horrific experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that marrying a quality person and being a thoughtful spouse has a 100% success rate. There are no people on either side of the family that are divorced.

You sound smug. And like you haven’t been humbled by life.

LOL why is staying married and being a quality person considered smug and superiority complex?? Very weird. I would say it's quite a feat and everyone should be proud to manage all the challenges and weather all the storms with their significant other through the years.

Because you’re making the classic human mistake that your positive situation is 100% due to your actions. And it’s not. And makes you think you have full control and therefore bad stuff will not happen to you. It’s called hubris and many Greek tragedies have covered it.

Divorce isn’t something that just happens to the vast majority of married couple. It’s an active choice.

Sometimes it is an active choice for one party and the other just gets dragged along for the ride. It only takes one to divorce. There was no discussion at my house. I was told as he walked out the door. Am I perfect? Nobody is perfect. Now he has started a new family. At least The New Wife won’t be surprised like I was. She knows he’s capable of just walking out one day. I hope my kids will be okay in the end. If not, it won’t be because of my lack of trying.

Yep, same. He just left and decided he wanted to be an every other weekend dad. Having freedom to go to the bar and get a new lil girlfriend was more important than our family.

Anyway, there are a lot of smug people in this thread but rest assured you will get yours. Life can turn on a dime and I hope when some calamity that is out of your control happens to you, you think back to this. Karma has a funny way of coming around.

You are a deeply unpleasant, spiteful person. I’m not surprised your husband left you.

DP but based on your posts you deserve some spite.

[Anonymous]

My friend divorced her husband who was extremely controlling over the whole family and especially abusive towards their oldest daughter.

I cannot for the life of me imagine that daughter wishing her parents had stayed together. She is an older teen now and the trauma has led to her developing debilitating mental illnesses. She may not graduate from high school.

I’m not sure anyone who had known this family casually would be able to see that there were serious problems going on. From the outside, the family looked normal and successful. Posters like OP and the smug ones here might see it as a “frivolous” divorce.
A lot of you do not know as much as you think you know.

I got divorced after repressing my sexuality for decades. When I was young I wanted the family and the white picket fence. I married a man and really, truly believed it would be OK. It turns out that repressing my sexuality was not sustainable and divorce was the only reasonable solution.

People like to cherry pick the divorces they see as frivolous and pretend that is representative of most divorces. It is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was interesting and insightful: a study on the economic and social impacts of divorce. For children whose parents divorce when they are young, more likely to experience teen pregnancy, jail and early death, less earning potential:

https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/baltimore/news/children-divorce-finance-economy-university-of-maryland/

And how does that compare to children whose parents stay together despite dysfunctionality and hating each other?

If they can’t make those comparisons, I am not interested in these findings.

This.

My parents waited far too long to divorce and it did irreparable harm to us. If they had done it when we were 8 and 3, we would have been spared some truly horrific experiences.

Or you may have had even worse truly horrific experiences. You don’t know for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The three events — loss of financial resources, a decline in neighborhood quality and missing parental involvement because of distance or an increased workload required to make up for lost income — accounted for 25% to 60% of the impact divorce has on children's outcomes, the study said."

This. When both parents have enough money, many (not all) of the major causes of harm caused by divorce go away.

No amount of money can make up for the increased workload; not only do they lose seeing both parents all the time, they lose individual time with each parent. Sorry, there’s no money that can make up for not being able to say goodnight to both parents, not having easy holidays and birthdays with both parents, having to shuttle around, mom and/or dad can’t go to a school event because of the extra required work. There’s no money that makes up for time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced her husband who was extremely controlling over the whole family and especially abusive towards their oldest daughter.

I cannot for the life of me imagine that daughter wishing her parents had stayed together. She is an older teen now and the trauma has led to her developing debilitating mental illnesses. She may not graduate from high school.

I’m not sure anyone who had known this family casually would be able to see that there were serious problems going on. From the outside, the family looked normal and successful. Posters like OP and the smug ones here might see it as a “frivolous” divorce.
A lot of you do not know as much as you think you know.

I got divorced after repressing my sexuality for decades. When I was young I wanted the family and the white picket fence. I married a man and really, truly believed it would be OK. It turns out that repressing my sexuality was not sustainable and divorce was the only reasonable solution.

People like to cherry pick the divorces they see as frivolous and pretend that is representative of most divorces. It is not.

Yes, marriages based on fraud are better off with a divorce. I don’t think anyone would disagree with that.