13yr old's pediatrician just told her she is overweight and I am pissed

[Anonymous]

I was about 150, maybe 155 and 5'7'' as a teen. I finished growing height-wise by about 14. I felt very large but wasn't technically overweight (just on the cusp).

My parents didn't model healthy exercise or activity, didn't require or expose me to exercise with any authority or enthusiasm, and though we had healthy food and my mom was a great cook, I ate too much and lots of fast food. I remember getting regular McDonalds meals and thinking "this isn't enough."

When I went to college food was immediately restricted because of blah cafeteria meals and limited ability to order out or go out, and I was forced to walk a lot to and from classes up and down hills.

I ended Freshman year at about 130 pounds. It felt amazing.

But then that feeling of control spiraled, and by Junior year I was 106. On a 5'7'' body. It was alarming to my friends and family and controlling my food intake and exercising took over my thoughts. I wrote down 5 calories of mustard and 5 calories of diet Snapple on my daily calorie count lists.

My parents said nothing out of "not wanting to interfere." My friends raised alarms and told me I needed help. It was very brave of them and very kind. I began seeing a therapist and it wasn't until I had my first kid in my late 20s that I was able to stop counting calories in my head and require an exchange of exercise for food.

Now I am 139/140ish and I have muscle tone from walking and hiking regularly. I feel great. I eat healthy and in moderation but don't deprive myself. I'd love to have a flat stomach, and I sort of do some mornings, but I don't need to have one and I can skip a walk on a busy day and eat dessert without feeling like I am a failure.

If your daughter is otherwise happy and eating healthy and exercising, my advice is to share the NPR story someone shared upthread about the origin of BMI, get her a new doctor (that you preview vis-a-vis this issue), and perhaps have her see a therapist if you suspect this has done a number on her. Guess what: it has.

You want her to be healthy and happy in high school, and if she already has good habits and this is her body, which is a great strong body, acceptance is something she needs to come to terms with because she won't be skinny. And that is OK!

I am sorry her doctor was so thoughtless and unprofessional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:150 is huge for 5-2 and at 13….. total mom fail. I’m 5’2 as well, I was 95 pounds at that age. Your daughter is a big girl, sorry.

She's 5'5", sounds like you need some carbs to fuel your brain

And she is still overweight according to the pediatric/teen bmi guidelines at 5’5” as well

one tenth of one pound overweight

No….actually she is 15 lbs overweight. According to the CDC, a 13 yr old child at 5’5” would need to be 135 lbs to have a BMI under the 85th percentile (which is the threshold to determine if a child is overweight). You have to know she is still growing and gaining and going through puberty. She is not an adult and her weight and BMI can’t be compared to an adult. It isn’t the same standard

https://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/bmi/result.html?&method=english&gender=f&age_y=13&age_m=0&hinches=65&twp=135

but the cdc also says this

If an athlete or other person with a lot of muscle has a high BMI, is that person still considered overweight?

Athletes may have a high BMI because of increased muscularity rather than increased body fatness. A trained healthcare provider can perform appropriate health assessments to evaluate an individual’s health status and risks. Because no single body fat measure clearly distinguishes health from disease or identifies risk of disease, BMI should serve as the initial screening. Other factors, such as fat distribution, genetics, diet, and fitness level contribute to an individual’s disease risk.

https://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/childrens_bmi/about_childrens_bmi.html#children-and-teens

OP I completely agree with you that the pediatrician should not have told your daughter she is overweight. She should have inquired about diet, eating habits (e.g. frequency, snacking) and physical activity and that's it.

The important thing at this age is encouraging healthy habits.

[Anonymous]

Everyone here is right and everyone here is wrong. (I'm a child psychologist. I know these things. (1) Mom is right for telling her daughter that she is beautiful as she is right now. Truthfully, her daughter's weight right now is *not* a health problem at her daughter's age right now. It could even be an advantage for her muscular daughter to be "big" right now. Case in point - my niece was a goalie on a championship college soccer team and being big was an advantage for her at that time. (2) The doctor was not wrong in telling her that her weight was a health risk. Weight over 140 lbs. for women is a health risk - *as you get older, and if it's maintained at that level*. Doctors are not the best messengers for this fact but they are absolutely pressured by insurance companies to deliver this message. Have you noticed that doctors are not rewarded for their skills in human relations? (3) Back to my "big" niece.
After she graduated from her master's degree program in engineering and got a great job, her mother asked me to take her shopping for a work wardrobe. After several tearful trips to shops where chic clerks had no interest in outfitting a big girl, the lovely local Banana Republic ladies outfitted her with a great "plus-size" wardrobe. Fast forward 1 year - another shopping trip was requested. My niece needed a new, regular size wardrobe. No doctor's lecture, no mother's pressure in play. She was working in an environment where being big was not an advantage. Her colleagues were eating sushi and salads for lunch. She was living in a state that had the lowest level of obesity in the country. Her work place does not tolerate sexual harassment. Have you noticed that a lot of young women are big to protect themselves from bring hit on by men? Or beat up by other girls? The magic - environment. Coda - my elderly mother complained of being lectured by her doctor for being overweight - until she moved into a fancy retirement community and lost 20 lbs without trying because her new friends were not obese and they were served great healthy meals. It's axiomatic among psychologists. We Americans have no idea how impactful *unspoken* environmental pressures are on our behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone here is right and everyone here is wrong. (I'm a child psychologist. I know these things. (1) Mom is right for telling her daughter that she is beautiful as she is right now. Truthfully, her daughter's weight right now is *not* a health problem at her daughter's age right now. It could even be an advantage for her muscular daughter to be "big" right now. Case in point - my niece was a goalie on a championship college soccer team and being big was an advantage for her at that time. (2) The doctor was not wrong in telling her that her weight was a health risk. Weight over 140 lbs. for women is a health risk - *as you get older, and if it's maintained at that level*. Doctors are not the best messengers for this fact but they are absolutely pressured by insurance companies to deliver this message. Have you noticed that doctors are not rewarded for their skills in human relations? (3) Back to my "big" niece.
After she graduated from her master's degree program in engineering and got a great job, her mother asked me to take her shopping for a work wardrobe. After several tearful trips to shops where chic clerks had no interest in outfitting a big girl, the lovely local Banana Republic ladies outfitted her with a great "plus-size" wardrobe. Fast forward 1 year - another shopping trip was requested. My niece needed a new, regular size wardrobe. No doctor's lecture, no mother's pressure in play. She was working in an environment where being big was not an advantage. Her colleagues were eating sushi and salads for lunch. She was living in a state that had the lowest level of obesity in the country. Her work place does not tolerate sexual harassment. Have you noticed that a lot of young women are big to protect themselves from bring hit on by men? Or beat up by other girls? The magic - environment. Coda - my elderly mother complained of being lectured by her doctor for being overweight - until she moved into a fancy retirement community and lost 20 lbs without trying because her new friends were not obese and they were served great healthy meals. It's axiomatic among psychologists. We Americans have no idea how impactful *unspoken* environmental pressures are on our behavior.

Yeah you’re a moron and it’s frightening that you are a child psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Overweight" is not a judgment on your child. It's a clearly defined medical diagnosis. That definition is based on BMI.

You can be "overweight" because you are a highly muscular athlete, or because you are carrying extra fat, or even for other reasons. But "overweight" does not necessarily mean unhealthy. If you treat it that way, you are part of the problem.

- American Academy of Pediatrics Issues Its First Comprehensive Guideline on Evaluating, Treating Children and Adolescents With Obesity
- https://www.aap.org/en/news-room/news-releases/aap/2022/american-academy-of-pediatrics-issues-its-first-comprehensive-guideline-on-evaluating-treating-children-and-adolescents-with-obesity

Well BMI is not for athletes or those with real amount of muscle and the judgement that comes from hearing overweight as a teenage girl are life-altering. So stop using flawed metrics and then making judgements and treatment. Refer for a DEXA if you are really that concerned.

BMI is for athletes. It just doesn't mean what you think it means.

Okay well when one person has a BMI of 25 and is 5'5 at 150 with 120 lbs of muscle (20% BF active, etc) bvs 90lbs of muscle (40% bf) there is a difference. And yet that number (BMI) is somehow used as reasoning for X,Y, Z.

A 13 year old is different than a person who is in their 20s or 40s. A 13 year old's weight will likely only go up. OP's DD is already disadvantaged.

So will her height

Not if she's already started her period.

This is BS. I started my period at 11. I kept growing until 19. Gained two inches between senior year of HS and 2nd year out.

You’re an anomaly. Almost no girls keep growing until 19.

Did you not pick up on the fact that I grew after menarche? That's what I was arguing - all these people who are like well did she start her period cuz if she did then she's not going to grow anymore. You're right it is rare for a female to grow after the age of 16 or 17 I recognize that. It is not rare for a girl to stop growing at 13 or 14 or even 15.

[Anonymous]

She's overweight. It behooves the parents to get her into a healthy zone.

[Anonymous]

Woah so I am the OP. I just read all of the comments. Whew. Some of you are harsh. Not only calling her fat and overweight, but demeaning the sports she loves as lazy sports.

You sound worse than the middle schoolers in her school. But at least none of them have ever told her she is fat or made fun of the sports she has chosen.

Per that height to waist ratio, her waist is 27 1/2 inches which is much less than the 32 1/2 inches she should be under. I wish she would have mentioned that.

She currently works out daily between cross fit, pitching, softball conditioning, treadmill at our house etc… She also walks the dog twice a day and today she biked a few miles to friends. My guess is she will eventually be 5’7” ish.

I was shocked and mad she just came out and said overweight to her. She did mention she should maybe chose smaller meals, less fast food, and junk - but never once asked her diet. Only asked about sports. It was generalized random stuff to say to everyone. It wasn’t personal.

I refuse to let my daughter think she is less superior or walk into an eating disorder. I saw the smile leave her face when the doc said overweight. I hope it doesn’t damage her. There is a better way to talk to female teens, especially ones that are very athletic and still growing. This wasn’t it. We are changing pediatricians.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone here is right and everyone here is wrong. (I'm a child psychologist. I know these things. (1) Mom is right for telling her daughter that she is beautiful as she is right now. Truthfully, her daughter's weight right now is *not* a health problem at her daughter's age right now. It could even be an advantage for her muscular daughter to be "big" right now. Case in point - my niece was a goalie on a championship college soccer team and being big was an advantage for her at that time. (2) The doctor was not wrong in telling her that her weight was a health risk. Weight over 140 lbs. for women is a health risk - *as you get older, and if it's maintained at that level*. Doctors are not the best messengers for this fact but they are absolutely pressured by insurance companies to deliver this message. Have you noticed that doctors are not rewarded for their skills in human relations? (3) Back to my "big" niece.
After she graduated from her master's degree program in engineering and got a great job, her mother asked me to take her shopping for a work wardrobe. After several tearful trips to shops where chic clerks had no interest in outfitting a big girl, the lovely local Banana Republic ladies outfitted her with a great "plus-size" wardrobe. Fast forward 1 year - another shopping trip was requested. My niece needed a new, regular size wardrobe. No doctor's lecture, no mother's pressure in play. She was working in an environment where being big was not an advantage. Her colleagues were eating sushi and salads for lunch. She was living in a state that had the lowest level of obesity in the country. Her work place does not tolerate sexual harassment. Have you noticed that a lot of young women are big to protect themselves from bring hit on by men? Or beat up by other girls? The magic - environment. Coda - my elderly mother complained of being lectured by her doctor for being overweight - until she moved into a fancy retirement community and lost 20 lbs without trying because her new friends were not obese and they were served great healthy meals. It's axiomatic among psychologists. We Americans have no idea how impactful *unspoken* environmental pressures are on our behavior.

All women? The women who are 4'9" and the women who are 6'0"? Women of all races, ages and body types? Are you sure about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woah so I am the OP. I just read all of the comments. Whew. Some of you are harsh. Not only calling her fat and overweight, but demeaning the sports she loves as lazy sports.

You sound worse than the middle schoolers in her school. But at least none of them have ever told her she is fat or made fun of the sports she has chosen.

Per that height to waist ratio, her waist is 27 1/2 inches which is much less than the 32 1/2 inches she should be under. I wish she would have mentioned that.

She currently works out daily between cross fit, pitching, softball conditioning, treadmill at our house etc… She also walks the dog twice a day and today she biked a few miles to friends. My guess is she will eventually be 5’7” ish.

I was shocked and mad she just came out and said overweight to her. She did mention she should maybe chose smaller meals, less fast food, and junk - but never once asked her diet. Only asked about sports. It was generalized random stuff to say to everyone. It wasn’t personal.

I refuse to let my daughter think she is less superior or walk into an eating disorder. I saw the smile leave her face when the doc said overweight. I hope it doesn’t damage her. There is a better way to talk to female teens, especially ones that are very athletic and still growing. This wasn’t it. We are changing pediatricians.

I'm glad you're changing pediatricians, OP. Your daughter sounds lovely, active and fit. She's lucky to have friends and a dog and a great mom. I think she'll be just fine.
You can tell her that this random lady on the internet thinks she sounds healthy and beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woah so I am the OP. I just read all of the comments. Whew. Some of you are harsh. Not only calling her fat and overweight, but demeaning the sports she loves as lazy sports.

You sound worse than the middle schoolers in her school. But at least none of them have ever told her she is fat or made fun of the sports she has chosen.

Per that height to waist ratio, her waist is 27 1/2 inches which is much less than the 32 1/2 inches she should be under. I wish she would have mentioned that.

She currently works out daily between cross fit, pitching, softball conditioning, treadmill at our house etc… She also walks the dog twice a day and today she biked a few miles to friends. My guess is she will eventually be 5’7” ish.

I was shocked and mad she just came out and said overweight to her. She did mention she should maybe chose smaller meals, less fast food, and junk - but never once asked her diet. Only asked about sports. It was generalized random stuff to say to everyone. It wasn’t personal.

I refuse to let my daughter think she is less superior or walk into an eating disorder. I saw the smile leave her face when the doc said overweight. I hope it doesn’t damage her. There is a better way to talk to female teens, especially ones that are very athletic and still growing. This wasn’t it. We are changing pediatricians.

Sorry this happened to you, OP. I think you are making a good decision. Your current pediatrician clearly lacks some clinical skills as well as emotional ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woah so I am the OP. I just read all of the comments. Whew. Some of you are harsh. Not only calling her fat and overweight, but demeaning the sports she loves as lazy sports.

You sound worse than the middle schoolers in her school. But at least none of them have ever told her she is fat or made fun of the sports she has chosen.

Per that height to waist ratio, her waist is 27 1/2 inches which is much less than the 32 1/2 inches she should be under. I wish she would have mentioned that.

She currently works out daily between cross fit, pitching, softball conditioning, treadmill at our house etc… She also walks the dog twice a day and today she biked a few miles to friends. My guess is she will eventually be 5’7” ish.

I was shocked and mad she just came out and said overweight to her. She did mention she should maybe chose smaller meals, less fast food, and junk - but never once asked her diet. Only asked about sports. It was generalized random stuff to say to everyone. It wasn’t personal.

I refuse to let my daughter think she is less superior or walk into an eating disorder. I saw the smile leave her face when the doc said overweight. I hope it doesn’t damage her. There is a better way to talk to female teens, especially ones that are very athletic and still growing. This wasn’t it. We are changing pediatricians.

I'm glad you're changing pediatricians, OP. Your daughter sounds lovely, active and fit. She's lucky to have friends and a dog and a great mom. I think she'll be just fine.
You can tell her that this random lady on the internet thinks she sounds healthy and beautiful.

+1 Don’t listen to the crazy people in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Childhood obesity is a big deal and most parents are blind to it. I’m glad to hear pediatricians are bringing it up with kids. Your DD is overweight so it was standard fair for dr to mention. He was not doing anything out of the ordinary. You’ll be fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Childhood obesity is a big deal and most parents are blind to it. I’m glad to hear pediatricians are bringing it up with kids. Your DD is overweight so it was standard fair for dr to mention. He was not doing anything out of the ordinary. You’ll be fine

The doctor is a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Childhood obesity is a big deal and most parents are blind to it. I’m glad to hear pediatricians are bringing it up with kids. Your DD is overweight so it was standard fair for dr to mention. He was not doing anything out of the ordinary. You’ll be fine

The doctor is a woman.

Um, ok. How does that change the scenario? Not sure why it’s relevant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:150 is huge for 5-2 and at 13….. total mom fail. I’m 5’2 as well, I was 95 pounds at that age. Your daughter is a big girl, sorry.

She's 5'5", sounds like you need some carbs to fuel your brain

And she is still overweight according to the pediatric/teen bmi guidelines at 5’5” as well

one tenth of one pound overweight

No….actually she is 15 lbs overweight. According to the CDC, a 13 yr old child at 5’5” would need to be 135 lbs to have a BMI under the 85th percentile (which is the threshold to determine if a child is overweight). You have to know she is still growing and gaining and going through puberty. She is not an adult and her weight and BMI can’t be compared to an adult. It isn’t the same standard

https://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/bmi/result.html?&method=english&gender=f&age_y=13&age_m=0&hinches=65&twp=135

but the cdc also says this

If an athlete or other person with a lot of muscle has a high BMI, is that person still considered overweight?

Athletes may have a high BMI because of increased muscularity rather than increased body fatness. A trained healthcare provider can perform appropriate health assessments to evaluate an individual’s health status and risks. Because no single body fat measure clearly distinguishes health from disease or identifies risk of disease, BMI should serve as the initial screening. Other factors, such as fat distribution, genetics, diet, and fitness level contribute to an individual’s disease risk.

https://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/childrens_bmi/about_childrens_bmi.html#children-and-teens

OP I completely agree with you that the pediatrician should not have told your daughter she is overweight. She should have inquired about diet, eating habits (e.g. frequency, snacking) and physical activity and that's it.

The important thing at this age is encouraging healthy habits.

The chances of OP’s 13 yr old daughter being such a high level extreme athlete that justifies an extra 15 lbs is low. But whatever. She sounds active and hopefully eats pretty heathy, so what more can a parent do? >70% of adults are overweight now, more will be when this kid is an adult, probably including her and most of the kids of everyone posting here- eventually.