Embarrassed about career -- WWYD re work mentor?
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Anonymous
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I’ve worked at the same place for 5 yrs (first professional job). First 2 years went awesome -- I got to work for a woman who was 5 years ahead of me, who became my mentor, and we worked very well together on multiple projects; during those 2 years I also worked with many others and received excellent reviews from all and she made her next promotion. The next 3 years, she and I haven’t worked together but she has remained a mentor on all kinds of career issues, we grab meals when we're in the same city etc (consulting lifestyle). Yr 3 continued to be good, yr 4 - I expressed some ambition in making the next promotion also (and then was suddenly told I wasn’t THAT good despite the countless previous reviews that said I was excellent and already functioning at the next level). Predictably yr 5 (now) -- I know the end is near, as my dep’t has little work to go around and it isn’t coming to me; I am job searching and hoping to get out on my own before anything happens, though who knows.
Problem is -- I am humiliated in front of my mentor. She really did believe I was awesome and I think still may. We have talked some here and there and she always rolls her eyes when she mentions that they shot me down for a promotion -- presumably bc she thinks I was good enough for it. Now if something terrible happens -- it will be even more embarrassing. At some point, she will start thinking to herself -- “what is her problem, I thought she was good and now she doesn’t work hard etc.” (I don’t bc I am focused on job searching, not dragging out my current job). I normally don’t care what others think but she -- as opposed to my other managers -- has been such an integral part of my work life and I don’t want to just let that relationship slip away. If I had made my promotion, we would have spent the better part of 10+ yrs working together and now that’s gone. Do I say anything to justify myself? Do I just stay away? Right now I’m avoiding her bc as management, she knows what is happening to people year-end, and I don’t want to discuss it with her due to embarrassment. WWYD? |
Anonymous
| I have never really had a real mentor, but I would think it would be someone you could be honest with and discuss the fact that you are concerned about your prospects with this company and are considering looking elsewhere and what does she advise w/r/t improving your prospects within or next steps. |
Anonymous
| I would just have an honest conversation with her. Don't ask her to say anything b/c, as you say, she is management. But I think you should just say, "I don't want you to think poorly of me, I'm worried that I'm disappointing you, here's where I'm at..." |
Anonymous
OP here -- I think this is where I need to go but being a completely stoic/unemotional person for the last 5 yrs, I don't want her to be scared off by my sudden neediness; as is, I can tell she is a bit uncomfortable -- I get the sense that she'll talk as much as I want to but does not want to push me in any way as she knows I am upset by this. She does know that I am looking and we have had an initial conversation about the types of things I should be looking at. What I need to know -- and cannot ask -- is my timing. As it was last year, the message was "you won't be promoted but we're not showing you the door for a long time." I started looking anyway mostly bc I was pi$$ed at them after the 24-7 work I've put in for 4-5 yrs and she knew/agreed with that approach -- it was the same approach that I know she took when she wasn't promoted once, though the difference is she stuck it out and they changed their mind for her before she found another job. I'm in a more vulnerable spot because the work has slowed down A LOT and they already know they don't want me. I want to ask -- "do I need to take the first awful thing I can find" but don't want to put her in that spot -- she has never been there and really can't relate. As great as she is, some part of her has to be thinking "what is wrong with her - I made the promotion and would have found a job in under one yr if I didn't, why is she still here" . . . hence the embarassment. Obviously don't know if I'm over-thinking it or what. |
Anonymous
| You are over thinking it- your firm has no work- they are laying off people- it's a lousy economy. I have been laid off but no fault of my own (not performance based). You don't need for her to think it's ok or get her ok on what you are doing. Just appreciate her assistance and don't burn bridges with her in particular. |
Anonymous
| I would not do all the sappy stuff -- she's not your mom and she's not your BFF. Don't put her in the awkward position of having to wipe your tears or prop you back up or tell you that you didn't disappoint her. She respects you as a colleague because she knows your work, not because you are nice or pretty or have cute hair. Don't tell her how sorry and sad you are, because she may well believe it. Be professional and direct, and let her know that the most valuable thing she can possibly give you now is not sugarcoated compliments and encouragement about how wonderful you are. It's usable feedback on why things didn't work out at this job and what you can do in the future to achieve a different outcome at the next job. |
Anonymous
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Ah to be so young again....
You have learned one of the cold hard facts of professional life - excellent work does not always mean you are going to be promoted. In fact, I have known people who do shitty work, get mediocre reviews but get promoted. You mentor is not going to think something is wrong with you, etc. These things all the time and she knows that. She is notnworried about it and she certainly is not wallowing is disappointment. |
Anonymous
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Your mentor has been there. Even though she made this promotion, it’s not like she has not been subject to the same politics at other times in her career. If she thought your work was good over TWO years, that is a long time. If she thought you were incompetent, she would not have continued to be involved in your career for so many years. Think about it - is she invested in every junior consultant she works with? I'm guessing the answer is no.
If you’re an unemotional person, you do not need to turn on the tears/self pity etc.; she knows your ambition and can presume you’re upset. Instead, talk to her rationally about next steps, ideas you’re considering, and networking/contacts. If she has been there for you thus far, she will continue to be -- a good mentor does not sway even when the rest of “management” does. I do think you should have these conversations with her periodically to keep her invested; you really don't want to lose her as a colleague/mentor who can be your sounding board for years just because you're uncomfortable right now. |
Anonymous
| If you get a specific offer run it by her. "this offer isn't what I'd hoped because of x,y,z, but given how things are going at acme do you think I should jump on it anyway?" (and the answer sounds like it will probably be yes) |
Anonymous
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Agree, you are WAY overthinking this. Not sure why you would be embarassed, or why you think she would think something is wrong with you because you didn't get a promotion. You said yourself that she was passed over before too!
Chin up. |
Anonymous
+1M on that! |
Anonymous
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I agree with other posters that I do not get why you are embarrassed. If she has good opinion of your work, and has been your mentor, I bet she still believes that you are the right person for promotion. At the same time, she has been there and knows the politics of the place. You will have to deal with jerk management sometimes which does not give you due credit.
If you want to move to another place, do it. Don't subject yourself to bad work place and do your best to get a new job. If your mentor truly believes in you, she would be happy to see you get ahead in your professional life. |