Ex's Permissiveness Underminding Parenting
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Anonymous
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ARGH! I've just had a shitty week parenting because everything is "Daddy will let me do X," "Daddy will buy me Y because he's not mean like you," "Daddy will let me watch all the TV I want so I don't care if I lose my privileges here." And it's true, too. So much for trying to impart manners and values when Daddy chooses to the easy way out of parenting, regardless of long-term consequences. I know, total stereotype.
Okay, vent over. At least I get the satisfaction of referring to him as my "ex" now. |
Anonymous
| Hang in there. Is your child exaggerating any of these claims? It is really hard when my ex doesn't back me on something major with our teen, "undermine" is the word. |
Anonymous
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Mommy's house, Mommy's rules.
Then again my shiftless ex isn't around enough to truly undermine. The manners are ingrained at this point, as are a lot of the limits. But, I hear ya! It's not a good thing to have to deal with. |
Anonymous
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That's the worst. In co-parenting, discipline is a spot that everyone needs to be on the same page about if the kids are going to do well. My ex and I get along for the kids' sake and they are thriving.
It is the opposite with stepson. We are trying to teach him manners, sharing, not always getting what you want, when you want- you know, how to cope with life. His Mom is not doing any of this. She apparently wants him to like her more than she wants to be a good parent. There are no rules with her- he gets whatever he wants and screams if he doesn't (literally). We have actually witnessed this many times- he yells at her and she does it/gets it. It's warped. He then tries this at our house, and gets a rude awakening. She lets him do whatever under the guise of "making him happy." Guess how happy he is... |
Anonymous
| 10:17 How do you know what's happening when you're not there? Some children act out when the whole gang's around. My child used to, and disciplining in front of others made things worse. |
Anonymous
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10:17 here
I know because she is open about it. She believes it is a reasonable parenting style. |
Anonymous
| That is so strange. I cannot imagine a parent stating that they let their child do or get whatever they want and that there are no rules, zero rules. Very extreme. |
Anonymous
Right. It's mind boggling. |
Anonymous
Yea it's right up there with pigs flying. What planet are you from that you can't understand how a divorced parent could decide to simply win their child over/feel better about him-herself/get back at the other parent by being overly permissive? 
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Anonymous
My ex-husband does this too. The ex doesn't respect me nor does he respect the positive things I try to instill in our child. It's hard sometimes because we have joint custody and he's with his dad 3 days out of each week. |
Anonymous
| Thanks everyone for the support (and not harping on me for my typo!). Another rough week, and I've been finding it hard not to let my anger at my ex leak out towards my child. I know - that's the worst thing I can do. I'm just scared about what type of person we're creating. |
Anonymous
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If you have family near you, it's good to ask them to help you reinforce your discipline and values with your kids. I try to remind my kids that while it's true that Dad's house= Dad's rules, if you do "X" at my house or at school, you will be disciplined. My kids are allowed to swear at Dad's house, because Dad swears in front of them. But they know good and well, if they trot out that behavior here or in the classroom (elementary, no less), others won't tolerate it.
Then I tie that back to why I'm holding them to a higher standard than Dad's rules - because if they follow Mom's rules, they'll do well in life and stay out of trouble. It's a whole lot easier on a parent to mentally check out and be permissive, than take on the challenge of training up a child the way s/he should be raised to be a contributing member of society. I remember my mom ALWAYS said something like that to me when I was a teen, and I'd whine about my friends' parents being so much cooler and they let my friends do XY&Z. She'd always tell me those parents must not love their kids as much if they let them do those things, because it certainly wasn't her idea of fun to argue with me about it. Made sense then, and makes even more sense to me now as a parent myself. |
Anonymous
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13:41 again. Dad won't make them do homework, read to them, or practice their spelling words with them. He doesn't sign their permission slips, acknowledge their behavior badges earned each day - zip, nada, nothing. But he has the audacity to howl about their grades not being all A's and berate me for not taking "all that money he pays for child support" and paying for tutoring.
The crack up is, my kids both come to me when they don't understand something and tell me they never ask their dad for help with homework because he gives them the wrong answers! This is 2nd and 5th grade work. Ex is such a dumb ass... |
Anonymous
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13:44 I have one child, and I fought like crazy to get my ex on board with homework. I even scheduled weekly meetings for a couple of years, when homework was due at the end of the week. (On the phone.) Otherwise I'd get stuck with all the homework duty.
This is a shame, what's going on with your ex, because these are formative years and if your children don't develop good study habits ... Would your ex work with a coordinator? |
Anonymous
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13:44 again. That's why my ex only gets 4 school nights with homework per month - - he never contributes toward their studies other than to show up at the parent teacher conference for lip service. Once I realized how he was neglecting their school work during our separation, I fought like hell to make sure their weeknights with him were minimized during the school year.
Sure, the better solution would be that he contributes, but frankly, he's not interested in changing. Unfortunately for my kids, he's also just not that smart either. I'm hoping they inherited more of my side of the family's genetics when it comes to intelligence. |