What does it mean to "lack social skills"?

[Anonymous]

DS is 3.5 and three weeks into preschool, 3 mornings a week. While he's a happy-go-lucky, talkative and playful kid at home and with familiar friends one-on-one, in the group setting (16 kids in his class) he freezes, is terribly quiet and shy and doesn't initiate any activity.... the teacher has to lead him from play area to play area and help him along. He hasn't made any friends yet. He plays beautifully with his old friends and his sister (outside school), but is too anxious to interact with his peers at school. His teacher told me he "lacks social skills" which I was a bit taken aback by considering she has known him all of 3 weeks and it's clear he's a painfully shy boy. I've been reading on these boards about social skills issues and I'm just wondering how they typically present? I'm not even sure what "lacks social skills" means and if it's usually indicative of a deeper problem? TIA.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this should be listed on "special needs" index. Make a few play dates for him with kids from his new school.

[Anonymous]

OP here...the reason that I put this on a special needs index is because he has social anxiety and this separates him from his peers and isolates him in his school setting.
And I've been reading about social skills challenges on this index and wondering if my son might have sensory processing issues which seems to present with lack of social skills. I am trying to arrange playdates for him, hopefully that will help.

[Anonymous]

Keep working closely with the teachers. I understand your anxiety, but do your best to control it. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Yikes... OP here, perhaps I've posted on the wrong index after all, I apologize.

[Anonymous]

I am the poster from the other discussion who has the 7 year old girl who I said still has some social skill issues. For her, I mean that she has easy meltdowns over very small things. That's one issue. Another is that the problems she has with extreme sensitivity to clothing, shoes, etc. prevents her from participating in activities (ballet, gymnastics, swimming, soccer) because of uniforms. Further, she has some issues at school because she has a hard time transitioning, which effects her work. She also does a lot of unsolicited hugging and touching (less now than 2 years ago). She is also painfully shy about new situations/people, but once she gets used to a situation, it's not as bad. I don't know if these are typical issues with SPD or any other "disorders", but for me, they seem to be connected to her sensory issues. On the other hand, sometimes kids are just very, very shy kids -- I was. Your preschool teacher might have been a bit out of line to say your child "lacked" social skills -- I'm sure that's not true. I wonder what are his/her qualifications regarding child development? I wouldn't put too much stock into one opinion.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly where OP should be posting. The lack of social skills can indicate a developmental disorder or it could just be shyness. It is through socialization that children learn language -- verbal and nonverbal -- and develop abstract thinking. While it doesn't sound like you should push any alarm buttons, I think it does make sense to find a social skills or interaction group for your child. Many speech therapists in the area offer them and it might be just the thing to get him over this developmental hump.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much both 13:51 posters, I really appreciate your very helpful input! I checked out the Jenny Waelder Center website and it does look like they include children with social anxiety in their social skills groups so I left them a message. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP -- This reminds me of my own kid. He's speech delayed, and he doesn't really seem to like kids his own age and younger, but he gets on gangbusters with older kids. I think the difference is that older kids have the processing power to listen to him and interpret him, whereas kids his own age just look at him like he's nuts. Try some play dates with a different range of ages and see what shakes out.

[gnicolet]

To OP, as I read your post, I was trying to problem solve a little bit. My 2 year old daughter has some sensory processing difficulties for which she receives OT once a week, and I'm a speech therapist by training who works with preschool aged kids. It's certainly true that SPD can affect social skills, but I'm sorry that it was put so bluntly by the teacher!

Here are some ideas - maybe you've tried them already, but it's worth a shot. While I think it's good that the teacher is helping your son get into different areas of the classroom to play, it sounds like maybe he needs a peer buddy. It wouldn't have to be the same kid all the time, although that might help your son develop a friendship, but it sometimes works to pair kids up. They can help with snack together, play together, clean up an area together, etc. Also, are you arriving early at school, before other kids get there? This might really help your son adjust to being in the classroom and also help him figure out where he wants to be. And, it really might help to have a playdate after school or on a nonschool day with a friend from class. Keep this playdate short and don't expect to be able to chat with the other mom while the kids play at the park. Although that might happen, you will feel better if you have a contingency plan. Plan to make playdough (or just play with it!), collect leaves and then glue them onto some paper, bake some cookies, you get the idea. Keep the playdate to an hour or so -- leave them wanting more!!

Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

OP has EVERY right to post here. A few play dates will not solve the concern of child being in a larger group setting. We are dealing with this w/our 5 year old. He is in a small school setting this year, but will need to work on social skills in larger classroom setting for next year.

[Anonymous]

My now 7 year old son was having some similar issues in preschool. He started preschool at 2 and at 3, his teachers talked to us about it and pin-pointed it as difficulty speaking to his peers/interacting with his peers in group settings. His speech was fine with adults and one-on-one but he couldn't find the words to join in to play or invite someone to play with him. He would close down and ignored the other kids and played alone. He also had some problems transitioning. Their solution was for us to conatct a speech therapist who also has OT connections (common). After having him fully tested she decided the best course would be for her to come to his preschool one morning a week to "coach" him in his interactions with his peers. It was fantastic. There was no stigma attached as both he and the other kids loved having someone coming in - they didn't know she was there just for him. After the one school year (at 4) he was all "caught up" in his social skills. We did do a bit more testing and it was finally determined that he did not have a sensory disorder or any other problems. He is in 2nd grade at a top Washington private school and considered an excellent student, friend and integral member of this class/garede. He has lots of friends. I think we caught something early that could have spiraled badly but were able to help him in a specific area where hge needed it.

FWIW - my brother "lacked social skills" but in the 70s, when we were young, nobody did anything about things like that. Both elementary and highschool were a social nightmare for him and he has never had many friends. I think my son could have easily ended up like my brother wihtout the early "coaching. Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

OP here... thanks again everyone for the great input!!

[Anonymous]

As usual, I am late to the discussion and have almost nothing new to contribute ... but here goes anyway! This post definitely belongs with special needs. My child had delayed speech, but it did not affect his social skills at all at home and around the neighborhood. Everyone who knew and loved him understood his methods of communication, how to draw him out, and so forth. We were all helping him without even knowing it. When he started preschool, he still had no problems because his language skills were improving dramatically but more importantly, occasional parallel play was still common at that age group so he had more time to transition to the new surroundings and people before it was considered an "issue" by his teachers and peers.

Then came kindergarten. My cheerful, happy child who liked everyone and was very social ... hit a wall. The new group of kids had dramatically better language skills then he did and parallel play was no longer "normal." My son did not know how to navigate this new, more complex social scene. He needed gentle coaching on what speech and language specialists call Pragmatic Speech ... which includes such things as how to ask if you may join a game, how to understand that you have just been welcomed to a game (or not), how to understand nonverbal social cues, how to have a conversation wherein you actually listen to what the other person says, not interrupt, keep on topic, etc. Even children without speech delays may need help in these areas. After receiving help, my son had a much easier time, was much less frustrated, and is doing so much better. It's still not perfect, but again, so much better!! Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

10:12-can you say specifically what help you got? Was it a social skills group, or time with an OT? Any specific recommendations? This describes my situation.