Daughter gets hit on at work - solutions?

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I’m the poster who another poster is screaming at claiming that I’m a pervert and monster. I’ve calmly been surfing the web to gather rational thoughts on this and basically have gathered this:

From a legal standpoint, it is without question not harassment for a customer to politely ask a server on a one time basis for her phone number. If the customer persists following a “no”, however, it absolutely is harassment.

But, harassment or not, it’s still not considered appropriate even to ask for the phone number on a one time basis. It’s awkward and puts the server in a bad position. Instead, as I now see was just suggested above, the recommendation is for the customer to leave his phone number at the table with an invitation for the server to contact him if she is interested.

This all makes a lot of sense to me.

This is just not true. It IS harassment. If you want to share your sources, please do. Other people have posted the actual definition and it wholly encompasses OPs daughters situation as such.


I’ll put it to you this way:

If a customer were to ask OP‘s daughter one time for her phone number while she was waiting on him, and she were to decline and complain to her boss about it, and her boss were to tell her that he was going to do nothing about it, take a guess how far OP’s daughter would get if she were to sue her boss for tolerating sexual harassment in her workplace? I’ll give you a hint: not very.


So your version of “is it real/worth it” involves what your boss thinks about it? Huh. Cool.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I’m the poster who another poster is screaming at claiming that I’m a pervert and monster. I’ve calmly been surfing the web to gather rational thoughts on this and basically have gathered this:

From a legal standpoint, it is without question not harassment for a customer to politely ask a server on a one time basis for her phone number. If the customer persists following a “no”, however, it absolutely is harassment.

But, harassment or not, it’s still not considered appropriate even to ask for the phone number on a one time basis. It’s awkward and puts the server in a bad position. Instead, as I now see was just suggested above, the recommendation is for the customer to leave his phone number at the table with an invitation for the server to contact him if she is interested.

This all makes a lot of sense to me.

This is just not true. It IS harassment. If you want to share your sources, please do. Other people have posted the actual definition and it wholly encompasses OPs daughters situation as such.


I’ll put it to you this way:

If a customer were to ask OP‘s daughter one time for her phone number while she was waiting on him, and she were to decline and complain to her boss about it, and her boss were to tell her that he was going to do nothing about it, take a guess how far OP’s daughter would get if she were to sue her boss for tolerating sexual harassment in her workplace? I’ll give you a hint: not very.


So your response to: people are harassing this girl- is - ??
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ok, so I’m the poster who another poster is screaming at claiming that I’m a pervert and monster. I’ve calmly been surfing the web to gather rational thoughts on this and basically have gathered this:

From a legal standpoint, it is without question not harassment for a customer to politely ask a server on a one time basis for her phone number. If the customer persists following a “no”, however, it absolutely is harassment.

But, harassment or not, it’s still not considered appropriate even to ask for the phone number on a one time basis. It’s awkward and puts the server in a bad position. Instead, as I now see was just suggested above, the recommendation is for the customer to leave his phone number at the table with an invitation for the server to contact him if she is interested.

This all makes a lot of sense to me.

This is just not true. It IS harassment. If you want to share your sources, please do. Other people have posted the actual definition and it wholly encompasses OPs daughters situation as such.


I’ll put it to you this way:

If a customer were to ask OP‘s daughter one time for her phone number while she was waiting on him, and she were to decline and complain to her boss about it, and her boss were to tell her that he was going to do nothing about it, take a guess how far OP’s daughter would get if she were to sue her boss for tolerating sexual harassment in her workplace? I’ll give you a hint: not very.


So your response to: people are harassing this girl- is - ??

Every single time I talk to girls it’s this fun.
Anonymous
Did OP ever say how old the girl is? If she's a younger teen, then this is a real problem (assuming the people asking are older than her) because the age of consent in VA is 18. She clearly needs to find a different job. If she's 18 or over, then she really needs to be able to deal with that firmly and know how to stand up for herself, or talk to the manager, if a customer won't take no for an answer.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It isn't harassment just because one person says so. It is usually based on a reasonable person standard. Would a reasonable person have felt harassed. Clearly this is not black and white. Whether a reasonable person would feel harassed is going to be very specific to how the customer asked, and his response to a rejection.

It's not harassment just because one person says so. It is harassment because it fits the definition of harassment. Hope that helps.


You are clearly not a lawyer. These things are always based on a reasonable person standard. One person claiming harassment does not magically make it so.

Petty slights, annoyances, and isolated incidents (unless extremely serious) will not rise to the level of illegality. To be unlawful, the conduct must create a work environment that would be intimidating, hostile, or offensive to reasonable people.https://www.eeoc.gov/harassment
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She needs to tell her boss it's happening and ask them how to handle it. It's not up to her mother.


So mom should say "not my problem, handle it yourself"

Do I have that right?



Np.

The alternative might be for mom to possibly just come with her DD to work, and when this happens she could intervene to speak directly with these creeps face to face!
Anonymous
This is not the job for her.

I see older divorced women hit on young men in these situations all the time.

The concentration part…. huge part of working in a restaurant ( yes I have worked in one) is social interaction and being able to adapt. Getting hit on, complaining customers, bratty children are all part of the job. If these types of things can “break your concentration” this is not the job for you.

Anonymous
Also asking for someone’s number is not a pervert or inappropriate. This is a normal social interaction. Say no thank you or sorry not interested. If you don’t give an answer they might keep asking.

Any touching is NOT appropriate and is when you need a manager.

Anonymous
I remember that Ask a Manager letter about their scheduling chatbot getting hit on.

https://www.askamanager.org/2024/01/men-are-hitting-on-my-scheduling-bot-because-it-has-a-womans-name.html

Unfortunately this is something you end up dealing with, it sucks, but it's reality. I'm a government attorney in a very standard field and have been hit on (and harassed) by members of the public just over business phone calls. One of my colleagues was sent dick picks. Our office had to institute rules banning communication from members of the public who a use communications (harder to do because it's a public job).

Her employer should have standards for patrons that cross the line and she needs to practice formulating a response.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Did OP ever say how old the girl is? If she's a younger teen, then this is a real problem (assuming the people asking are older than her) because the age of consent in VA is 18. She clearly needs to find a different job. If she's 18 or over, then she really needs to be able to deal with that firmly and know how to stand up for herself, or talk to the manager, if a customer won't take no for an answer.


She said that her daughter is 17, and the men hitting on her are in their mid-twenties.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You can’t have a societal norm and expectation that men have to make the first move, show interest first and make the connection and then also get mad when they do. If men only showed interest in women who have already explicitly invited that interest there would be a lot of single women in the world. Outside of online dating, it is almost always men asking for numbers and making a move.


But the waitress is not someone who is searching for a romantic partner—she's someone trying to find out if you want pancakes. It's not appropriate to ask your boss for a date, the police officer who just pulled you over or the garbage man while he hoists your bin. Let waitresses find out if you want pancakes without hassling them. If you see someone, in an appropriate environment, like a party, bar or other social event, then you can ask them—whether it's your teacher, the cop who pulled you over, the garbageman or your waitress from the pancake house.


How does one know that a woman is searching for a romantic partner? That would be great if there was a clear indicator that says, hit on me.

I don’t think it’s appropriate necessarily but I am sure there are plenty of meet cute stories of customers and waitresses and happily ever after. One of my cousins married a flight attendant he hit on during a flight (working and no indicator of interest), my friend married a guy who was the tow truck driver who came after she crashed her car. Again he was at work. I also know other couples who met when one was at work or where there were no clear neon lights of single and looking to mingle.


Here's a hint: if your target is captive to you because of their work, it's a bad idea.

The waitress was assigned to your table. She's not trying to eff everyone who is seated in her section. If she is, she can let you know. Don't make her job harder.

If your friend was happy hitting on the tow truck driver, that was her choice—if he had pursued her, it would've been a different story.


What do you mean it’s her choice? The tow truck driver was just assigned to her, doing his job and she started harassing him! Disgusting behavior.


I’m going to guess that they had a conversation while he was towing her car, and they made a connection.


Nope! He gave her his card to find out where her car was towed to. She was picked up from the accident scene by family. She called him the next day about her car, she thanked him for trying to calm her down, told him she was glad it was a cute guy who came to her rescue, and she asked him if he wanted to meet up.


Lesson: it’s endearing when women hit on men (even at work) and it’s TOXIC HARASSMENT men when hit on women.


That seems to be the cardinal rule by all the single harpies on here.
Most normal women like a little flirting though, however from more attractive men, not the ugly ones.

Not
While
They’re
Working
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:JFC people, I was just asking for a few things that worked for you/ your daughter, and I find myself a multipage cesspool of misogyny and vitriol. (Many of) You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

My daughter is 17. The men who have asked for her number have been customers, not colleagues, and according to her "I dunno, mid 20s?"

This is her first public facing job with adults (though she has previously done lots of kid-related work.) She's a little shy, but she's excited about getting work experience and earning money for college. I'm asking for some thoughts on ways for someone who is new to being a server to navigate a common pitfall.

Why do you have to make it so vile? Seriously. Reflect and seek help.


This explains it. First public facing job and shy. This will be good for her. What she's experiencing isn't harassment. It's life.

Nope, it is harassment.

Why are so many people trying to justify this?


Apparently men are not allowed to ask women out because that's harassment.


No dipshit. Grown men are not allowed to ask underage girls out while they are doing their job which requires them to be polite to earn their tip.


OP mentioned daughter is 17, that's not "underage" in 40 states. Just saying if that's a concern.

Ugh found the pervert again.
17 is underage. Sorry you’re attracted to children but you need to calm down.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You can’t have a societal norm and expectation that men have to make the first move, show interest first and make the connection and then also get mad when they do. If men only showed interest in women who have already explicitly invited that interest there would be a lot of single women in the world. Outside of online dating, it is almost always men asking for numbers and making a move.


But the waitress is not someone who is searching for a romantic partner—she's someone trying to find out if you want pancakes. It's not appropriate to ask your boss for a date, the police officer who just pulled you over or the garbage man while he hoists your bin. Let waitresses find out if you want pancakes without hassling them. If you see someone, in an appropriate environment, like a party, bar or other social event, then you can ask them—whether it's your teacher, the cop who pulled you over, the garbageman or your waitress from the pancake house.


How does one know that a woman is searching for a romantic partner? That would be great if there was a clear indicator that says, hit on me.

I don’t think it’s appropriate necessarily but I am sure there are plenty of meet cute stories of customers and waitresses and happily ever after. One of my cousins married a flight attendant he hit on during a flight (working and no indicator of interest), my friend married a guy who was the tow truck driver who came after she crashed her car. Again he was at work. I also know other couples who met when one was at work or where there were no clear neon lights of single and looking to mingle.


Here's a hint: if your target is captive to you because of their work, it's a bad idea.

The waitress was assigned to your table. She's not trying to eff everyone who is seated in her section. If she is, she can let you know. Don't make her job harder.

If your friend was happy hitting on the tow truck driver, that was her choice—if he had pursued her, it would've been a different story.


What do you mean it’s her choice? The tow truck driver was just assigned to her, doing his job and she started harassing him! Disgusting behavior.


I’m going to guess that they had a conversation while he was towing her car, and they made a connection.


Nope! He gave her his card to find out where her car was towed to. She was picked up from the accident scene by family. She called him the next day about her car, she thanked him for trying to calm her down, told him she was glad it was a cute guy who came to her rescue, and she asked him if he wanted to meet up.


Lesson: it’s endearing when women hit on men (even at work) and it’s TOXIC HARASSMENT men when hit on women.


That seems to be the cardinal rule by all the single harpies on here.
Most normal women like a little flirting though, however from more attractive men, not the ugly ones.


You are in the “Tweens and Teens” forum. You aren’t talking to single harpies. You are talking to the mothers of the teenage girls you are hitting on. The girls don’t like it. Stop.


But your response is pointless because it’s already been established that it’s not grown men doing this it’s young men barely older than OPs daughter. Stop making up facts.

Huh??? 20 somethings are grown men. What the actual fucc is wrong with you?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It isn't harassment just because one person says so. It is usually based on a reasonable person standard. Would a reasonable person have felt harassed. Clearly this is not black and white. Whether a reasonable person would feel harassed is going to be very specific to how the customer asked, and his response to a rejection.

It's not harassment just because one person says so. It is harassment because it fits the definition of harassment. Hope that helps.


You are clearly not a lawyer. These things are always based on a reasonable person standard. One person claiming harassment does not magically make it so.

Petty slights, annoyances, and isolated incidents (unless extremely serious) will not rise to the level of illegality. To be unlawful, the conduct must create a work environment that would be intimidating, hostile, or offensive to reasonable people.https://www.eeoc.gov/harassment

Harassing a teen girl at her job is inappropriate. You need to stop.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Also asking for someone’s number is not a pervert or inappropriate. This is a normal social interaction. Say no thank you or sorry not interested. If you don’t give an answer they might keep asking.

Any touching is NOT appropriate and is when you need a manager.


If you are hitting on a teen girl while she’s waiting your table, you’re harassing her.

It does not need to involve touching. Please stop harassing children because you’re creepily attracted to them.
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