Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about he takes feeding until midnight, then you do through the night until he’s awake and he does a feeding before work?

OP here. This is similar to what we are doing now. I feed the baby ( 5 weeks old) his last feed around 10pm, shower, and go to bed. He will wake up around 1am and my husband will feed him. He wakes up from there 1-2 times more - around 3/4 and 5/6am and I get up with him. My husband would do the morning feed at 7/8am. Now he works 8am - 5/6pm most days and doesn't think he can wake up at 1am or doing the morning feed because he is getting ready around 7am.

Let him do the 10 PM feed and you go to bed much earlier. Make sure you are in bed resting even if not asleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.

The fact that he won’t take a few weeks break from his 6am workout a couple of days a week makes him a jerk. You should really, really pay attention to this.

That said, you really are being a martyr. You have to do something differently to make this work.

This is spot on. Apparently, ESH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a bigger job than my husband. I make twice as much as he does. He does more childcare than me. Yet when I was on maternity leave and I was not it felt only rational to me that I would wake up with the baby during the week. He would take Friday night so that I can catch up on sleep.

+1. Plus sleeping in on weekdays mornings or afternoons.

(that said, the gym thing would be what irks me, not sleeping for work.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to step up and get her daytime naps. Why not?

OP here. I have other things to do. Cooking, cleaning, washing pump parts/bottles, etc. My baby also loves being held for naps.

This sounds kind of martyr-y.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??

Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

This, plus also refusing to supplement more to free up more time. Both are very rigid, which is fine, but makes things much harder.

OP here. I am supplementing per pediatrician recommendation. He doesn't need to be supplemented during the day as he gets enough. I do supplement at night based on his hunger. My main goal is to provide him with him breast milk and that is why I pump after feedings.

This is his an idea of his feeding schedule. Times and amount at night changes. I'm not denying him milk. He is eating 24-28oz a day with 20-24 ounces breast milk + 4-8 ounces of formula.

6am- 2-3oz breastmilk. 8am - 2oz breastmilk, 10am - 2oz of breastmilk, 12pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 3pm - 3oz of breastmilk, 5pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 7pm - 2oz breastmilk, 10pm - 3-4oz (2oz breastmilk +1-2oz formula), 1am - 3-4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula), 4am - 4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula).

This is a weight gain issue but he seems to be catching up!

I think people are being unnecessarily hard on OP. People seem to forget what it is like to not sleep much and go through breastfeeding struggles. Add the struggle of weight gain issues and that can be stressful for anyone. I nursed both of my kids and it was a struggle for the first 2-3 months. OP made the choice to breastfeed and give her child the recommended and top food source, just like many other mothers do. Almost all new moms struggle with leaning how to breastfeed. She is only 5 weeks with a tiny baby. Give her a break!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something doesn’t sound right to me - you are pumping, nursing AND supplementing? Maybe change the order of things to stretch out the time between feedings. How about he feeds the baby a formula bottle at 11pm, thus giving you a longer stretch of sleep that may also increase your production before the next feeding?

BTW, doctors and lactation consultants can advise you, but only you and your baby know how to work this out. Why are you pumping on maternity leave? It is really helping your supply more than exclusively breast feeding?

I totally get the desire to supply your own milk, but sometimes your baby needs more than you can make. Also, are YOU drinking and eating enough, in addition to napping whenever the baby does? Helps a LOT with supply.

OP here. I was feeding at 10, going to bed at 11 and then sleeping until 3/4am. I nurse exclusively for all feeds except the bottle my husband was giving the baby. I pump after every ffed during the day to stimulate production. I supplement in the evening and a night with formula.

I trust my doctor and her experience. I also trust the location consultant. He has weight gain issues and needs to ear every 3 hours, day and night.

I am eating and drinking plenty. I make 20-24 ounces and he is eating 24-28 ounces. I only give him 4-8 ounces of formula a day.

Meh, I nursed each kid for a year, and I say your doctor and lactation consultant are making too big of a deal of this. My kids are teens and looking back, the pressure on women to lose sleep and sanity for breastfeeding seems wholly out of proportion with actual benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

You on maternity leave. He is noongerno leave and is working. This is why you have maternity leave

When he was on paternity leave, he didn’t do 100% of the night wakings. Why are the rules different for women again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??

Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

Who are these people acting like it's just so easy to nap in the day with a newborn? Do you even know how short those "naps" are? By the time you are done pumping and warmed up your coffee they're about to wake up again. Plus you are in a state of constant vigilance and it can be really hard to fall asleep on command. I could only truly fall asleep in the day if I knew someone else was in charge.
Men have a hard time stepping up for baby number 1. When the second one comes, they have no choice so it equalizes a bit. Also husbands: women keep count. Don't support her when she needs it the most and be ready to suffer the consequences down the line.

"Who are these people?" Mothers who took naps with their babies, that's who.

[Anonymous]

You are making all your own problems, OP.

Learn to be flexible!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

Not reading all the responses…you have one kid?! sorry, but your husband is right, are you kidding me, you are staying home and can nap when baby naps. He’s at work. If you both worked , that’s a different situation. Once you return to work, you will need a new system, but right now, you should be doing all the night feeding and leave your husband sleep.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

You on maternity leave. He is noongerno leave and is working. This is why you have maternity leave

When he was on paternity leave, he didn’t do 100% of the night wakings. Why are the rules different for women again?

I think OP should be doing the wakings. I think when he was on paternity leave they should have been splitting up the night feedings. Unfortunately OP is breastfeeding which makes that more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

You on maternity leave. He is noongerno leave and is working. This is why you have maternity leave

When he was on paternity leave, he didn’t do 100% of the night wakings. Why are the rules different for women again?

I think OP should be doing the wakings. I think when he was on paternity leave they should have been splitting up the night feedings. Unfortunately OP is breastfeeding which makes that more difficult.

Ok, so a dad on paternity leave should do 50% and a mom on maternity leave should do 100%. Got it. Very equal.

Again she’d be better off as a single mother.

[Anonymous]

Op, why do you know the amount of ounces you are producing if you are nursing not exclusively pumping? This sounds really off and neurotic to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, why do you know the amount of ounces you are producing if you are nursing not exclusively pumping? This sounds really off and neurotic to me.

Did you not read the thread? OP had low supply and her baby had weight gain issues. She started doing weighted feed per lactation consultant advice. This is standard when you have supply issues and need to know how much your baby is eating. Some just nurse + top with formula and some do weighted feeds. It takes like 1 minute to do a weighted feed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??

Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

This, plus also refusing to supplement more to free up more time. Both are very rigid, which is fine, but makes things much harder.

OP here. I am supplementing per pediatrician recommendation. He doesn't need to be supplemented during the day as he gets enough. I do supplement at night based on his hunger. My main goal is to provide him with him breast milk and that is why I pump after feedings.

This is his an idea of his feeding schedule. Times and amount at night changes. I'm not denying him milk. He is eating 24-28oz a day with 20-24 ounces breast milk + 4-8 ounces of formula.

6am- 2-3oz breastmilk. 8am - 2oz breastmilk, 10am - 2oz of breastmilk, 12pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 3pm - 3oz of breastmilk, 5pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 7pm - 2oz breastmilk, 10pm - 3-4oz (2oz breastmilk +1-2oz formula), 1am - 3-4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula), 4am - 4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula).

I think you should feed every 3 hours and offer more food per feeding. This all cut down on post-pumping sessions and less feeding times.

There are one of two ways.

You can feed every 3 hours, 8 times a day. Offer 3-4 ounces per feed. You can offer formula after ever feed, if needed, and that will also help up his formula intake. Pump every other feed.

For instance, you can feed 7,10, 1, 4, 7, 10, 1 & 4.

or

You can feed every 2-2.5 hours during the day and just let him sleep up to 4-5 hours at night. Make sure to get in 8 feeds a day and at least 24 ounces.

For instance, 7am, 9:30, 12, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10:30, and 3/4am

or feed 10 times but get in most feed before bed

For instance, 7, 9, 11, 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 3/4am.

You can still make sure baby is eating enough without needing to wake every 3 hours a night.