kids who are extremely easily influenced by others and peer approval seeking
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Anonymous
| how do you help you child who is very easily influenced by others and has trouble creating his/her own identity and making behavior choices that may not be in the majority? I realize most preteens/teens struggle with this balance to some degree, but I have 2 children who seem to be without a spine or mind of their own and what to follow the majority opinion on almost everything. children are 8 and 11 and it seems to be a personality trait as I have observed this behavior since they were toddlers. i had hoped they would mature before now, but i am concerned about it more as it is influencing everything from their choice of friends, clothing, music, tv, school classes, sports, etc. Will not express an opinion or make a choice without knowledge of what the popular or majority choice is or without consult or affirmation from peers. making me nuts. advice?" |
Anonymous
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I think some of it is just the age. My 11 year old can be that way.
I am encouraging her to participate in activities where there are kids that aren't so "tween like" and pop-culture oriented, and where there are older kids who can be good role models. I think that really has made a difference. |
Anonymous
just curious...where are these activities? what does you child do? |
Anonymous
| I'm not sure but it's good that you recognize and want to work on it. My younger brother was always that way and his adult life has been difficult because of it. |
Anonymous
| Are either you or your husband similar in personality to what you describe in your children? |
Anonymous
My daughter is in a theater group that includes kids ages 11 - 18. The kids are great -- really into theater and Shakespeare, creative, a close knit group where the older ones look out for the younger. Parents are involved in supporting the group so there are lots of opportunities to know the other kids. Music could do the same thing, if your kids play an instrument or sing and could get involved in an orchestra or chorus. Sports too, although I think teams might not have as many unconventional members as more artsy pursuits. But I could be wrong! |
Anonymous
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My belief is that having a real balance between family time and outside social time is important. When children feel they MUST be with their friends and they MUST have the approval of their social circle it is very difficult not to succumb to "group think".
When kids are accustomed to doing interesting things with their families and various other groups as well it is less likely they will feel forced to conform to peer pressure. |
Anonymous
OP here and yes, my husband was/is still a bit like this, but I am very much not (almost the opposite). |
Anonymous
| Do they lack self-confidence? This quality seems to be present in the kids I teach who are overly influenced by their peers. |
Anonymous
Ditto. The lack of self-confidence seems to go hand in hand with a lack of a strong sense of self. A lot of supportive, quality parent-children time would be very helpful if you want to help them develop a strong sense of self. They just need to learn more about where their limits are, what their boundaries are, their values and interests. If they're being easily swayed, that usually means they're not that clear on any of these. Volunteer work usually helps - getting involved in the community to help others, and to help them identify their interests and, hopefully, career passions. |
Anonymous
A lot of this is developmentally appropriate. Choice of music, TV, classes, sports -- this is what kids that age do, they try to fit in and do what everyone else does. That doesn't mean they are spineless, and it certainly doesn't mean they are immature. I'm not sure why this makes you nuts. Its not as if you can influence these choices either. Perhaps you will feel comfortable if you read a bit about what is developmentally typical for their age. Of course if their friends are influencing them to behave recklessly, thats something else entirely. But from what you've written it sounds like you are overreacting. |
Anonymous
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Honestly, I remember being this way from most of 4th-8th grade and I am nothing like that as an adult. It was a constant feeling of -- if you say you like something and your “friends” don’t, you’ll get mocked. So you don’t want to say, yes, I like Justin Beiber and I hate watching Modern Family because if those aren’t the popular views, you’re an outcast (for a few hrs/days until someone else commits a worse offense).
I would let the small stuff go and realize that their peers will influence their views of pop culture, clothing etc. I would however stand firm on the important things -- academics, values etc. There are too many kids who won’t do certain activities -- like chess, robotics etc. which they find interesting -- because their “friends” consider them nerdy. If your kid shows the slightest interest in something that they aren’t doing because of peers, I would make them do it. Same with classes -- I would stand firm on your family values, grade expectations etc. It can be done simply -- i.e. I don’t care if your friends think it’s nerdy that you work for A’s when you could get easy B’s, in this family we expect you to try your hardest. And then if they don’t, have consequences for that. That will reinforce that the family value on this issue trumps what the friends believe. Same thing for how to treat people etc. They are trying to figure out life -- they are with their peers 6-8 hrs a day so of course they have an influence, but just make sure your family also has a strong influence. I think this does die down in high school where it isn’t as big of a deal to be an individual and is completely gone in college. So to the extent they can hang out with older kids, it may not be a bad thing -- though probably hard to find too many activities that will involve both an 8 yr old and a 15 yr old interacting unless it’s like a mentorship type of activity, church group etc. |
Anonymous
This is a simplistic reponse which fails to address the several elements of the question. It also unnecessarily deconstructs phrases used by the OP rather than addressing the intended overall meaning of the post. |
Anonymous
I haven't deconstructed anything since I studied Foucault in college. OP wants to know how to get her children to have minds of their own, to create their own identities and behaviors. In the process she, I believe, diminishes them by referring to them as spineless and immature. I thought I was being reassuring by conveying that kids these ages try to conform. That is typical and natural and if you try to buck it you will be fighting a headwind. OP said she is distressed and I think she shouldn't be, at all. She did not write anything to indicate that her children were acting recklessly or immorally, obviously my advice would have been different in those cases. What do you think I missed? |
Anonymous
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If you google this issue, you will find a lot of things like this:
http://life.familyeducation.com/growth-and-development/puberty/36445.html Conformity is a stepping stone for autonomy because kids at this age are breaking away from their parents influence but still need to structure of social norms -- hence relying on their peers. |