is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes and it's why I took California schools off their lists. I don't want them settling down with someone who is from so far away.

BTW OP, this happens whether or not you are in favor of it. This is one thing that you truly have no control over. So of course it should be a consideration.

Like...that they meet someone from California, or China, at JMU?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.

I don’t care about the race, more having matching socioeconomic background of the partner. So many more FGLI and Pell Grant kids at top schools nowadays. At least middle/upper middle class preferred. So much of post-grad life depends not just on smarts, but being able to access parental help, for a first downpayment, being able to avoid grad school loans, just even simple things like not having to help out extended family members if you’re the one who “made it big” from a FGLI family. It would be nice if our side is not the only one that can provide the help, and the other side is not going to be a financial burden. It’s the unfortunate realities of modern capitalist society. Inheritance trumps salary, even for super smart kids, in a lot of ways.

Oof. You said the quiet part outloud, and this is probably the dividing line between people who are jerks and people who are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t send your children to states with strong political and ideological differences from your own family.

BINGO! I cannot believe the number of liberal households I know that have kids attending Auburn, U South Carolina, Clemson, etc.

Maybe they’ll meet another liberal there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes and it's why I took California schools off their lists. I don't want them settling down with someone who is from so far away.

BTW OP, this happens whether or not you are in favor of it. This is one thing that you truly have no control over. So of course it should be a consideration.

Like...that they meet someone from California, or China, at JMU?

Then at least that person has already shown a willingness to live in Virginia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t send your children to states with strong political and ideological differences from your own family.

Don’t forget value differences. Why I, a native Midwesterner, would never send my kid to an east coast rich kid school. No moral fiber, no work ethic. Lots of plastic surgery and second/third marriages.

Political differences I (as a moderate D) can overlook, within reason. Values are non-negotiable.

Not sure what schools you have in mind, but I know many families with kids at NESCAC schools, W&L, Bucknell, etc… and none of them fit that description.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marrying an immigrant would be fine, but it ought to be marrying someone who is willing to assimilate into the American melting pot, not marrying someone wanting DC to abandon American culture to adopt their spouse’s home culture wholesale.

I am thinking mostly kids of immigrants who are basically Americans at this point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t send your children to states with strong political and ideological differences from your own family.

I have two boys going to Top 20 colleges south of the Mason Dixon line. And they both have serious girlfriends.

And they are not unique. Their male friends also seem to have real relationships by junior and senior year.

The girls are great. Smart, lively, funny, kind. But I don't entirely love the idea of the boys finding partners so young. But real relationships and finding life partners seems to be the norm at their schools. Maybe it's a southern thing. Or maybe it's a good college thing. My sense is these students are locking things down very early. So the opposite of what people are talking about here.

Exactly. I don’t want southern son in laws. What if they are MAGA or their parents are? What if a MTG-type would be my daughter’s MIL??

The sky would truly fall. Obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t send your children to states with strong political and ideological differences from your own family.

I have two boys going to Top 20 colleges south of the Mason Dixon line. And they both have serious girlfriends.

And they are not unique. Their male friends also seem to have real relationships by junior and senior year.

The girls are great. Smart, lively, funny, kind. But I don't entirely love the idea of the boys finding partners so young. But real relationships and finding life partners seems to be the norm at their schools. Maybe it's a southern thing. Or maybe it's a good college thing. My sense is these students are locking things down very early. So the opposite of what people are talking about here.

Exactly. I don’t want southern son in laws. What if they are MAGA or their parents are? What if a MTG-type would be my daughter’s MIL??

The sky would truly fall. Obviously.

It actually would really be terrible to have a moron Trump-defender married to my child and the father of my grandchildren. Ultimately out of my control, but I’m not going to intentionally increase the odds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.

I don’t care about the race, more having matching socioeconomic background of the partner. So many more FGLI and Pell Grant kids at top schools nowadays. At least middle/upper middle class preferred. So much of post-grad life depends not just on smarts, but being able to access parental help, for a first downpayment, being able to avoid grad school loans, just even simple things like not having to help out extended family members if you’re the one who “made it big” from a FGLI family. It would be nice if our side is not the only one that can provide the help, and the other side is not going to be a financial burden. It’s the unfortunate realities of modern capitalist society. Inheritance trumps salary, even for super smart kids, in a lot of ways.

Oof. You said the quiet part outloud, and this is probably the dividing line between people who are jerks and people who are not.

Np I do get where they are coming from. DH and I are both the people from broke families so we both get it but I imagine it would be extremely stressful dealing with either of our families if you were UMC or even just from a normal family without constant money troubles.

I’d much prefer my kids to marry someone equally well off or better off than them.

[Anonymous]

As a poor ivy kid who married another poor ivy kid, back when need based aid was not nearly as good hence our parents had some small loans(we would have zero-loan packages today and one of us would count as highly-aided), now we make around 600k HHI and have already given back 200k total to our ivy plus put our kids through K-12 and in currently paying gladly for them to attend different ivy/T10s.
We are doing well and are sure it was in fact the ivy that helped us. Each of our best friends from said ivy married a person with much more or much less wealth and those "mixed" socioeconomic couples are making similar to us now. No burdens no issues. The divorces we know are all rich-rich marriages. We are all combos of JD/MD, MD/PhD or similar couples. There is plenty of money to go around when you go to a financially generous undergrad and have no loans. That is the key to finding a spouse: a school that rarely gives loans as part of the package.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a poor ivy kid who married another poor ivy kid, back when need based aid was not nearly as good hence our parents had some small loans(we would have zero-loan packages today and one of us would count as highly-aided), now we make around 600k HHI and have already given back 200k total to our ivy plus put our kids through K-12 and in currently paying gladly for them to attend different ivy/T10s.
We are doing well and are sure it was in fact the ivy that helped us. Each of our best friends from said ivy married a person with much more or much less wealth and those "mixed" socioeconomic couples are making similar to us now. No burdens no issues. The divorces we know are all rich-rich marriages. We are all combos of JD/MD, MD/PhD or similar couples. There is plenty of money to go around when you go to a financially generous undergrad and have no loans. That is the key to finding a spouse: a school that rarely gives loans as part of the package.

*Our

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a poor ivy kid who married another poor ivy kid, back when need based aid was not nearly as good hence our parents had some small loans(we would have zero-loan packages today and one of us would count as highly-aided), now we make around 600k HHI and have already given back 200k total to our ivy plus put our kids through K-12 and in currently paying gladly for them to attend different ivy/T10s.
We are doing well and are sure it was in fact the ivy that helped us. Each of our best friends from said ivy married a person with much more or much less wealth and those "mixed" socioeconomic couples are making similar to us now. No burdens no issues. The divorces we know are all rich-rich marriages. We are all combos of JD/MD, MD/PhD or similar couples. There is plenty of money to go around when you go to a financially generous undergrad and have no loans. That is the key to finding a spouse: a school that rarely gives loans as part of the package.

Same exact experience from a public flagship. This isn’t because it was an Ivy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is quite the thread - I find the honesty refreshing actually, even if it is racist, classist, etc.

These are all factors we as parents think about. It's hard out there to make a good living nowadays, even as a super smart kid. Job security and high pay are not as guaranteed as they were when we were graduating.

I def don't want DD to bring home MAGA, although I can't imaging that happening. That would be a serious parenting fail.

And yes, I want her spouse to be from a somewhat similar SES, doesn't have to be as wealthy, but debt would be a huge burden. I'm ok with kid of tech immigrant - they're actually more down to earth than some others.

Yes, I would consider helping kid with down payment on a house - I mean, why not if you can afford it?

Very interesting comment from a PP that inherited wealth trumps salary.

Do you all talk to your kids about all these things? Or just hope for the best?

Mom of white immigrant tech kid here. He’s set to graduate with no debt (hopefully), but probably wont have a down payment. Also good looking. Hopefully he’ll be able to find someone like your DD

Most high end earners and possessors of wealth don’t obtain that status through inheritance or by virtue of their parents. Of course for those who receive inherited help it is a significant advantage. DCUM’s population is generally desirable - people with sound habits, concern about education and the future of their children, and so on. But unless one really focuses on accumulating enough capital to at least get some breathing space, it isn’t easy for our kids.

The real dividing line is that our economy as with other developed economies heavily favors capital over labor. I can attest to this personally. I come from nothing and a poverty stricken and abusive home. But for the incentives caused by necessity, I never would have done so well. I say this because while the capital preference is accurate, it is such a heavy and ponderous message to give to young people. I embraced it because I was already in a dark place and saw reality. I feel foolish even mentioning this concept to young people, because there’s a lot more to life than accumulating capital and avoiding relying on a fickle and arbitrary labor market to draw economic rents. But it really matters. The biggest economic attribute we all can control is the avoidance of debt. This sounds preachy but as a desperately poor person at one time debt would have impeded my life, particularly from a psychological point of view.

Just observations

[Anonymous]

Eww. I hope my kids don't settle down that quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t send your children to states with strong political and ideological differences from your own family.

I have two boys going to Top 20 colleges south of the Mason Dixon line. And they both have serious girlfriends.

And they are not unique. Their male friends also seem to have real relationships by junior and senior year.

The girls are great. Smart, lively, funny, kind. But I don't entirely love the idea of the boys finding partners so young. But real relationships and finding life partners seems to be the norm at their schools. Maybe it's a southern thing. Or maybe it's a good college thing. My sense is these students are locking things down very early. So the opposite of what people are talking about here.

Exactly. I don’t want southern son in laws. What if they are MAGA or their parents are? What if a MTG-type would be my daughter’s MIL??

The sky would truly fall. Obviously.

It actually would really be terrible to have a moron Trump-defender married to my child and the father of my grandchildren. Ultimately out of my control, but I’m not going to intentionally increase the odds.

What a judgmental bigot you are! I’m
not maga but I wouldn’t want someone like YOU as my in-law either.