Why are some parents so cold and unfriendly?

[Anonymous]

And boy do the pushers push. OMG, they will puppeteer their child getting together with yours with a used car salesman’s precision. Well maybe that’s it…these are the salesparents who have to close you by the end of the month or their commissions and quotas might suffer.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So we are attending events as mutes in order to people watch and eavesdrop on other people’s interactions…is that what we are doing now? I get going to a school event to support your kids and be involved with what is going on at the school. But I don’t understand the angst directed at people who want to stay on and socialize and casually converse with the “community” that they may one day need to rely on…it’s not just other parents…it’s the teachers and staff. That’s the bizarre tone of the trolls regurgitating the same weak argument throughout this thread.

Not having any mutuals (read social "ins") at your kid's school sets off red flags. A lot of parents are feds, trained to be extremely wary around randoms trying to chat. Bottom line, we don't know you and we're frankly not interested in knowing you. That's not a me/us problem, it's a you problem for being offended. This thread is full of deeply presumptuous people with a lack of self awareness. Stop trying to force yourself on others. We just want to be left alone and associate with people we know and have vetted.

This actually explains a lot. Professionally successful people are friendly and outgoing. I can see a government worker not being able to get alone with or see any value in other people, which is why they struggle to find new jobs post DOGE.

Successful people don't worry about finding a community at school to help them. They have enough money to pay for whatever support they need outside of school. They are self reliant and can throw money at problems.

This isn’t true at all, especially at NYC privates. It’s very social and parents want to know each other.

Because of what they can get out of the other parents they might need to rely on? Come on.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am married to an introvert and he would never behave as some people here describe. It's an excuse. Introversion has become this out for people to just act boorishly. Dear introverts, no one cares. Engage in basic human interactions and if you can't manage, stay home.

Respectfully, get it through your thick skull: You are not entitled to be my new friend. You are not entitled to small talk. You are not entitled to a darn thing. You are literally a freaking stranger. Wow just wow at the psychotic delusions of grandeur on here.

Honestly this all sounds like an echo chamber of creepy men in the office who won't take no for answer from a disinterested female colleague. Keep pushing and pushing and get it in your head that you all are perfect for each other and have so much in common. And then she's a b-word because she avoids your delusional behind or turns you into HR when you won't let up.

DP. Ok, first, saying "respectfully" and then using the term "thick skull" is oxymoronic.

Second, no one wants to be your new friend. This thread specifically noted that the OP is not looking for new friends or trying to establish they are "perfect" for someone. Perhaps get it through your "thick skull" that talking to someone in a public space with our kids in order to contribute to a friendly and supportive environment for out kids is not an overture to be BFFs. It's entirely likely I will leave the conversation and not think about you at all other than maybe having a pleasant general impression of you and your family.

And third, have you asked yourself why you view having pleasant, mild interactions with people you see regularly at your kids school (they can be short, they don't have to involve small talk) is such an imposition for you? We're talking about simply having the ability to exchange a quick wave or smile, or exchange to sentences, with people you see nearly daily for years. You made the comparison to work. Yes, a man hitting on you at work every day would be really inappropriate. But I want you to imagine that you had a colleague you worked with for years who refused to make eye contact or even acknowledge your existence when you passed each other in the hall or wound up sitting next to each other while waiting for a meeting to start.

No one wants to be your new boyfriend. No one. We are just trying to make the experience of being parents with minor children mildly less alienating and awkward, by having basic social skills and not greeting everyone we see with hostile stares.

It's perfectly natural for people to have their guard up. You, after all, are a random total stranger.

Question for yappers like yourself: Why can't you just not compulsively yap at total strangers? Why can't you just enjoy whatever event you're at with your spouse and kid without socially elbowing others? Why don't you know anyone at your kid's school? That in itself is a little weird and that's likely why strangers are skittish. I don't think just because we're randomly 1 of 1,000 on up to 1 of 4,000+ (depending on enrollment size) moms and dads with a child in the same school means I'm obligated to talk with you or associate with you in any way. It's as silly as thinking you're entitled to small talk with random shoppers at a Nordstrom because you're both at the same store. It's pushy and weird.

A parent of a child in your kid's class or in the same after school activity is, by definition, NOT a random total stranger.

That seems to be the disconnect here. My feeling is "oh, I see this person every day/week at pick up and it's weird we don't acknowledge each other -- I will introduce myself and then greet and exchange a few words with this person because otherwise it's kind of weird." Your feeling is "WHY would this totally random person try to talk to me?! They should leave me alone, how dare they burden me int his way?"

I truly don't get your response. I'm not asking you to coffee or dinner, asking about your personal or family life (or job or house or anything personal because I truly don't care). I am, at most, asking a few questions like "oh how long has Larla been doing gymnastics?" or similar. I'm talking two minutes, tops, of interaction and just putting a name with a face. And this is seen, bizarrely in my opinion, as "needy" or invasive. This is so strange to me. I just don't want to spend months or years standing next to a person I recognize and whose kid is classmate/teammate/even friends with my kid, without creating a very baseline level of communication.

Respectfully disagree. Issue is you scorned whiners refuse to look at this from other parents’ POV: To them, you are in fact are a pushy total stranger trying to yap, ask invasive questions, and orbit me and my husband. It’s not rude or offensive that they simply don’t want to engage with you. This is especially true at public schools which pull in 500+ to 2,000+ random non-vetted families from all over the region - including scammer parents committing residency fraud.

These PPs make me sad for humanity. So glad my public elementary school has a sense of community and friendly parents (at least a good chunk) and not a view that people are random and maybe even scammers.

Not only is it sad, but it’s shortsighted and unwise.

In life, you want as large of a network as possible, especially if you have a career. Countless people have lost their jobs in the last year or two, and you want to be able to reach out to as many people as possible. You almost always get a job through someone you know. If you run in successful circles, there is typically some overlap between your work and personal networks. If you were to go to a school event with a well known CEO or senior leader, you can guarantee they will chit chat with others and be open to communicating. It’s simply how you have to behave to be successful.

On what planet do you live on that the random "CEO" you had brief small talk with at a school event is handing your unemployed ass a job? This thread is reaching new levels of delusion. Not to mention you're inadvertently confessing being so pushy and desperate is an attempt to SOCIAL CLIMB. You strivers want to orbit successful parents to "network" and broaden your "community" to ... get access to jobs when you're laid off. You shysters are trying to curate a higher status network for you and your kids and then whining that you're getting iced by parents who see right through you.

You sure you’re not projecting? Literally every successful person networks. They just do. I’m sorry if you’re not doing well professionally and didn’t know that this is the case so you make it about social climbing.

Successful people don't need to talk to every random parent at school pick up to have a network. They are tons of professional outlets already for that. it's funny you're trying to tell everyone how it works when nobody even wants to talk to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we are attending events as mutes in order to people watch and eavesdrop on other people’s interactions…is that what we are doing now? I get going to a school event to support your kids and be involved with what is going on at the school. But I don’t understand the angst directed at people who want to stay on and socialize and casually converse with the “community” that they may one day need to rely on…it’s not just other parents…it’s the teachers and staff. That’s the bizarre tone of the trolls regurgitating the same weak argument throughout this thread.

Not having any mutuals (read social "ins") at your kid's school sets off red flags. A lot of parents are feds, trained to be extremely wary around randoms trying to chat. Bottom line, we don't know you and we're frankly not interested in knowing you. That's not a me/us problem, it's a you problem for being offended. This thread is full of deeply presumptuous people with a lack of self awareness. Stop trying to force yourself on others. We just want to be left alone and associate with people we know and have vetted.

This actually explains a lot. Professionally successful people are friendly and outgoing. I can see a government worker not being able to get alone with or see any value in other people, which is why they struggle to find new jobs post DOGE.

Successful people don't worry about finding a community at school to help them. They have enough money to pay for whatever support they need outside of school. They are self reliant and can throw money at problems.

This isn’t true at all, especially at NYC privates. It’s very social and parents want to know each other.

Private schools are smaller, campuses are private, and full of vetted kids from vetted families who can afford the tuition. Public school events are full of total strangers from all over the region. Of course the former is going to be a more intimate, tight-knit, and less guarded atmosphere.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So we are attending events as mutes in order to people watch and eavesdrop on other people’s interactions…is that what we are doing now? I get going to a school event to support your kids and be involved with what is going on at the school. But I don’t understand the angst directed at people who want to stay on and socialize and casually converse with the “community” that they may one day need to rely on…it’s not just other parents…it’s the teachers and staff. That’s the bizarre tone of the trolls regurgitating the same weak argument throughout this thread.

this thread isn't isolated, the same theme comes up constantly on DCUM; parents whining that they can't use their kids to make a new social circle

No one in this thread wants to "make a new social circle" with parents at school.

People just think it's weird to ignore and refuse to even meet and learn the name of a person you see on a regular basis for many months or years. I agree this is deranged.

I will continue to introduce myself and strike up short conversations with parents who I see regularly in order to get to know the parents in our school and activity communities because I think it is strange and depressing not to do so. If you hate this, maybe home school and put your kid in private 1:1 classes so your family can completely isolate itself? I'm not going to alter my behavior.

You do you. Nobody has to accommodate your advances or reciprocate. If this is happening over and over to you, maybe you're giving off some weird desperate vibes.

I truly have no idea how you function in life refusing to exchange pleasantries with other people.

This, right here, is the problem: many of us DO “exchange pleasantries.” But then…you keep going. Asking. Pushing. You’re nosy. You’re still going.

You know when you have a chatter next to you in an airplane who won’t stop even when you pull out a book or a magazine? That’s you, PP. Come on now, there is a point well beyond “exchanging pleasantries.” Read the room.

+1. They're all so in denial about how nosy, pushy, and abrasive they are. Ma'am you're in your 40s or 50s, if everyone is icing you, it's a YOU problem, not everyone else's problem.

I'll give you that some people can be pushy and invasive. I think we've all experienced people like that before.

But if your response to a person introducing themselves to you or making a small bit of conversation is to assume they will "relentlessly" push and nose their way into your life, then actually that is a you problem. IME that's a rare experience. Most of the time when a parent introduces themselves to me at school, we just learn each others names and then *maybe* will wave a hello when we see each other or have a few minutes of conversation once very 2-3 months for the rest of the year. I have not had the experience that every single person who introduces themselves to me at my kid's school is a stalker and I seriously doubt you have either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we are attending events as mutes in order to people watch and eavesdrop on other people’s interactions…is that what we are doing now? I get going to a school event to support your kids and be involved with what is going on at the school. But I don’t understand the angst directed at people who want to stay on and socialize and casually converse with the “community” that they may one day need to rely on…it’s not just other parents…it’s the teachers and staff. That’s the bizarre tone of the trolls regurgitating the same weak argument throughout this thread.

Not having any mutuals (read social "ins") at your kid's school sets off red flags. A lot of parents are feds, trained to be extremely wary around randoms trying to chat. Bottom line, we don't know you and we're frankly not interested in knowing you. That's not a me/us problem, it's a you problem for being offended. This thread is full of deeply presumptuous people with a lack of self awareness. Stop trying to force yourself on others. We just want to be left alone and associate with people we know and have vetted.

This actually explains a lot. Professionally successful people are friendly and outgoing. I can see a government worker not being able to get alone with or see any value in other people, which is why they struggle to find new jobs post DOGE.

Successful people don't worry about finding a community at school to help them. They have enough money to pay for whatever support they need outside of school. They are self reliant and can throw money at problems.

This isn’t true at all, especially at NYC privates. It’s very social and parents want to know each other.

Private schools are smaller, campuses are private, and full of vetted kids from vetted families who can afford the tuition. Public school events are full of total strangers from all over the region. Of course the former is going to be a more intimate, tight-knit, and less guarded atmosphere.

Public schools are usually full of families from the surrounding neighborhood, actually. It's privates where people sometimes travel a great distance to attend.

When you are rude to other parents at your public school, you are likely also being rude to a neighbor you are likely to run into at the grocery store and nearby restaurants. Also, in my experience living on the Hill in DC, even when a family lives outside the the school zone and is there via the lottery, the odds that you will run into them again at other activities are very high. There's a ton of overlap between camp, after school activities, even friend and social groups so the same people pop up at birthday parties and other events.

It's rare that people at the same public school are truly "total strangers." You might think that when your kids are very young but after a few years you realize it's not the case at all.

[Anonymous]

Success is not a monolith, it can glom into failure over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And boy do the pushers push. OMG, they will puppeteer their child getting together with yours with a used car salesman’s precision. Well maybe that’s it…these are the salesparents who have to close you by the end of the month or their commissions and quotas might suffer.

Uh, how? My child has never been on a playdate I didn't enthusiastically agree to. If another parent was pushing for one and I didn't want to agree to it for whatever reason, I just... wouldn't.

This has nothing to do with the ability to say "Nice to meet you, I'm Larlo's mom" when another parent introduces themselves. This is just basic manners and has never resulted in me being held hostage by a fellow parent until I agree to let my child attend a sleepover birthday party against his will.

[Anonymous]

DC is a fed town. Government and adjacent employees are trained to be suspicious of random people trying to chat them up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get it. This post is not about wanting people to invite me or my kids places (truly unnecessary, not the point) or wanting other people's kids to be friends with my kids. I'm not trying to force anyone to do anything.

But so often when I'm at school events or activities, and forced into situation with other parents, I will turn to the person next to me and just introduce myself, ask about their kid, whatever, and they are so antisocial. Like one word answers, look uncomfortable or annoyed. I will read the room and drop it or move away, but I think it's weird. Even if I'm had a stressful day at work or am just in a bad mood, I will smile and be pleasant in those situations because, hey, we're all in the same boat to some degree and I just think being pleasant to fellow parents is part of the gig. I also just find it useful to be able to put parent faces/names with their kids, and to get to know the other families enough to be cordial during pick up/drop off or whatever.

If this is you, why can't you just be pleasant for a few moments? Why the cold shoulder?

Type-A parents make snap judgments and deem you're not on their level. Were you on their level and somehow slipped detection (highly unlikely), you'd be able to open with you are mutual friends with so and so, you live in the same nabe, are members of the same club, vacation in the same place, you work with so and so. Since you can do none of those things, you're deemed a non-entity unworthy of their time. When you orbit them anyways, you're an interloper getting mocked in their private group chats.

[Anonymous]

This is the public group chat where they get mocked and it is funny as hell. Please know that we are very amused and unbothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we are attending events as mutes in order to people watch and eavesdrop on other people’s interactions…is that what we are doing now? I get going to a school event to support your kids and be involved with what is going on at the school. But I don’t understand the angst directed at people who want to stay on and socialize and casually converse with the “community” that they may one day need to rely on…it’s not just other parents…it’s the teachers and staff. That’s the bizarre tone of the trolls regurgitating the same weak argument throughout this thread.

this thread isn't isolated, the same theme comes up constantly on DCUM; parents whining that they can't use their kids to make a new social circle

No one in this thread wants to "make a new social circle" with parents at school.

People just think it's weird to ignore and refuse to even meet and learn the name of a person you see on a regular basis for many months or years. I agree this is deranged.

I will continue to introduce myself and strike up short conversations with parents who I see regularly in order to get to know the parents in our school and activity communities because I think it is strange and depressing not to do so. If you hate this, maybe home school and put your kid in private 1:1 classes so your family can completely isolate itself? I'm not going to alter my behavior.

You do you. Nobody has to accommodate your advances or reciprocate. If this is happening over and over to you, maybe you're giving off some weird desperate vibes.

I truly have no idea how you function in life refusing to exchange pleasantries with other people.

This, right here, is the problem: many of us DO “exchange pleasantries.” But then…you keep going. Asking. Pushing. You’re nosy. You’re still going.

You know when you have a chatter next to you in an airplane who won’t stop even when you pull out a book or a magazine? That’s you, PP. Come on now, there is a point well beyond “exchanging pleasantries.” Read the room.

+1. They're all so in denial about how nosy, pushy, and abrasive they are. Ma'am you're in your 40s or 50s, if everyone is icing you, it's a YOU problem, not everyone else's problem.

💩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And boy do the pushers push. OMG, they will puppeteer their child getting together with yours with a used car salesman’s precision. Well maybe that’s it…these are the salesparents who have to close you by the end of the month or their commissions and quotas might suffer.

Uh, how? My child has never been on a playdate I didn't enthusiastically agree to. If another parent was pushing for one and I didn't want to agree to it for whatever reason, I just... wouldn't.

This has nothing to do with the ability to say "Nice to meet you, I'm Larlo's mom" when another parent introduces themselves. This is just basic manners and has never resulted in me being held hostage by a fellow parent until I agree to let my child attend a sleepover birthday party against his will.

Ok but the original OP said people gave short answers and didn't look open to conversation, not that they didn't respond at all. That's fair. Find the like minded people who want to chat. Likely they are already chatting as the social people will be able to find each other. If people are standing off to the side and don't look open to conversation, let them be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we are attending events as mutes in order to people watch and eavesdrop on other people’s interactions…is that what we are doing now? I get going to a school event to support your kids and be involved with what is going on at the school. But I don’t understand the angst directed at people who want to stay on and socialize and casually converse with the “community” that they may one day need to rely on…it’s not just other parents…it’s the teachers and staff. That’s the bizarre tone of the trolls regurgitating the same weak argument throughout this thread.

Not having any mutuals (read social "ins") at your kid's school sets off red flags. A lot of parents are feds, trained to be extremely wary around randoms trying to chat. Bottom line, we don't know you and we're frankly not interested in knowing you. That's not a me/us problem, it's a you problem for being offended. This thread is full of deeply presumptuous people with a lack of self awareness. Stop trying to force yourself on others. We just want to be left alone and associate with people we know and have vetted.

DP. This might be one of the weirdest threads I’ve ever seen on DCUM and that is saying something. And you might be the weirdest person on it. What’s up with your obsession with vetting? If you are this paranoid because of your line of work, go get some help. You’re a net negative in the community. I would bet money that whoever you think your friends are probably talk badly about you behind your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC is a fed town. Government and adjacent employees are trained to be suspicious of random people trying to chat them up.

I live in the suburbs with lots and lots of people who are fed or who work adjacent to the government. None of them act like what you are describing. This is some weird inner ring and DC proper type behavior you all are describing. I am so glad I don’t have to live in the district. I don’t understand why anybody does. You all are insufferable and it’s not even that great there.