is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t send your children to states with strong political and ideological differences from your own family.

I have two boys going to Top 20 colleges south of the Mason Dixon line. And they both have serious girlfriends.

And they are not unique. Their male friends also seem to have real relationships by junior and senior year.

The girls are great. Smart, lively, funny, kind. But I don't entirely love the idea of the boys finding partners so young. But real relationships and finding life partners seems to be the norm at their schools. Maybe it's a southern thing. Or maybe it's a good college thing. My sense is these students are locking things down very early. So the opposite of what people are talking about here.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can worry but can you, or should you, do anything about it?

Seems like a waste of energy to me. It’s their life. Let them live it.

If my DS meets his future wife in college, I’m all good with it as long as she’s a good person. Which she probably will be because he’s a good person.

[Anonymous]

Our kids all had/have serious long term telationships in college. I'm not sure if it's about the type of kid or type of school. 2 ivy and one private t20. I don't know if they will end up married, but I am happy about the people they chose - smart, kind, responsible, family-centered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are plans and then there is life. I went to a very hippy-dippy SLAC that skewed female and many guys that there were were gay. I had my life plan mapped out and had no thoughts of serious relationships or marriage. But somehow I managed to meet now-DH and we have been together for 32 years. We got married in our mid-20s. We both went to grad school. We did not have kids until our early to mid-30s. We how have one kid in college, another in high school. I don't worry much about their dating futures - life is unpredictable.

This is beautiful, thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t send your children to states with strong political and ideological differences from your own family.

I have two boys going to Top 20 colleges south of the Mason Dixon line. And they both have serious girlfriends.

And they are not unique. Their male friends also seem to have real relationships by junior and senior year.

The girls are great. Smart, lively, funny, kind. But I don't entirely love the idea of the boys finding partners so young. But real relationships and finding life partners seems to be the norm at their schools. Maybe it's a southern thing. Or maybe it's a good college thing. My sense is these students are locking things down very early. So the opposite of what people are talking about here.

Exactly. I don’t want southern son in laws. What if they are MAGA or their parents are? What if a MTG-type would be my daughter’s MIL??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes and it's why I took California schools off their lists. I don't want them settling down with someone who is from so far away.

BTW OP, this happens whether or not you are in favor of it. This is one thing that you truly have no control over. So of course it should be a consideration.

Like...that they meet someone from California, or China, at JMU?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.

I don’t care about the race, more having matching socioeconomic background of the partner. So many more FGLI and Pell Grant kids at top schools nowadays. At least middle/upper middle class preferred. So much of post-grad life depends not just on smarts, but being able to access parental help, for a first downpayment, being able to avoid grad school loans, just even simple things like not having to help out extended family members if you’re the one who “made it big” from a FGLI family. It would be nice if our side is not the only one that can provide the help, and the other side is not going to be a financial burden. It’s the unfortunate realities of modern capitalist society. Inheritance trumps salary, even for super smart kids, in a lot of ways.

Oof. You said the quiet part outloud, and this is probably the dividing line between people who are jerks and people who are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t send your children to states with strong political and ideological differences from your own family.

BINGO! I cannot believe the number of liberal households I know that have kids attending Auburn, U South Carolina, Clemson, etc.

Maybe they’ll meet another liberal there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes and it's why I took California schools off their lists. I don't want them settling down with someone who is from so far away.

BTW OP, this happens whether or not you are in favor of it. This is one thing that you truly have no control over. So of course it should be a consideration.

Like...that they meet someone from California, or China, at JMU?

Then at least that person has already shown a willingness to live in Virginia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t send your children to states with strong political and ideological differences from your own family.

Don’t forget value differences. Why I, a native Midwesterner, would never send my kid to an east coast rich kid school. No moral fiber, no work ethic. Lots of plastic surgery and second/third marriages.

Political differences I (as a moderate D) can overlook, within reason. Values are non-negotiable.

Not sure what schools you have in mind, but I know many families with kids at NESCAC schools, W&L, Bucknell, etc… and none of them fit that description.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marrying an immigrant would be fine, but it ought to be marrying someone who is willing to assimilate into the American melting pot, not marrying someone wanting DC to abandon American culture to adopt their spouse’s home culture wholesale.

I am thinking mostly kids of immigrants who are basically Americans at this point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t send your children to states with strong political and ideological differences from your own family.

I have two boys going to Top 20 colleges south of the Mason Dixon line. And they both have serious girlfriends.

And they are not unique. Their male friends also seem to have real relationships by junior and senior year.

The girls are great. Smart, lively, funny, kind. But I don't entirely love the idea of the boys finding partners so young. But real relationships and finding life partners seems to be the norm at their schools. Maybe it's a southern thing. Or maybe it's a good college thing. My sense is these students are locking things down very early. So the opposite of what people are talking about here.

Exactly. I don’t want southern son in laws. What if they are MAGA or their parents are? What if a MTG-type would be my daughter’s MIL??

The sky would truly fall. Obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why you don’t send your children to states with strong political and ideological differences from your own family.

I have two boys going to Top 20 colleges south of the Mason Dixon line. And they both have serious girlfriends.

And they are not unique. Their male friends also seem to have real relationships by junior and senior year.

The girls are great. Smart, lively, funny, kind. But I don't entirely love the idea of the boys finding partners so young. But real relationships and finding life partners seems to be the norm at their schools. Maybe it's a southern thing. Or maybe it's a good college thing. My sense is these students are locking things down very early. So the opposite of what people are talking about here.

Exactly. I don’t want southern son in laws. What if they are MAGA or their parents are? What if a MTG-type would be my daughter’s MIL??

The sky would truly fall. Obviously.

It actually would really be terrible to have a moron Trump-defender married to my child and the father of my grandchildren. Ultimately out of my control, but I’m not going to intentionally increase the odds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.

I don’t care about the race, more having matching socioeconomic background of the partner. So many more FGLI and Pell Grant kids at top schools nowadays. At least middle/upper middle class preferred. So much of post-grad life depends not just on smarts, but being able to access parental help, for a first downpayment, being able to avoid grad school loans, just even simple things like not having to help out extended family members if you’re the one who “made it big” from a FGLI family. It would be nice if our side is not the only one that can provide the help, and the other side is not going to be a financial burden. It’s the unfortunate realities of modern capitalist society. Inheritance trumps salary, even for super smart kids, in a lot of ways.

Oof. You said the quiet part outloud, and this is probably the dividing line between people who are jerks and people who are not.

Np I do get where they are coming from. DH and I are both the people from broke families so we both get it but I imagine it would be extremely stressful dealing with either of our families if you were UMC or even just from a normal family without constant money troubles.

I’d much prefer my kids to marry someone equally well off or better off than them.

[Anonymous]

As a poor ivy kid who married another poor ivy kid, back when need based aid was not nearly as good hence our parents had some small loans(we would have zero-loan packages today and one of us would count as highly-aided), now we make around 600k HHI and have already given back 200k total to our ivy plus put our kids through K-12 and in currently paying gladly for them to attend different ivy/T10s.
We are doing well and are sure it was in fact the ivy that helped us. Each of our best friends from said ivy married a person with much more or much less wealth and those "mixed" socioeconomic couples are making similar to us now. No burdens no issues. The divorces we know are all rich-rich marriages. We are all combos of JD/MD, MD/PhD or similar couples. There is plenty of money to go around when you go to a financially generous undergrad and have no loans. That is the key to finding a spouse: a school that rarely gives loans as part of the package.