Ex still hitting our teen kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three teens: a 16-year-old daughter, a 15-year-old son, and a 13-year-old son. The situation is that my ex still physically disciplines the kids in his home and we share 50/50 custody. It’s not constant, but it happens often enough to be super concerning — and when it does happen, he doesn’t seem able to control his anger.

It’s also not great because they’re at an age where they really shouldn’t be getting hit at all anymore. Their behavior is different from when they were younger, and they can generally be reasoned with. It also feels like the intensity has increased over time.

Our 15-year-old son doesnt (rarely) experience physical discipline — mostly yelling — because he is the one who listens and complies the most.

Our 13-year-old son experiences physical discipline such as ear twisting, slapping, pulling, and being hit with a hanger (lasting a couple minutes). This tends to happen more frequently (sometimes every few weeks), typically when he talks back, says no, has an attitude, is loud, doesn’t follow directions right away, or pushes back on expectations like chores, bedtime, or stopping games.

Our 16-year-old daughter is also subjected to physical force such as slapping, grabbing, pinching, etc. For her, incidents are less frequent — sometimes months between — but still occur, often during larger conflicts when she argues, refuses something she is required to do, has an emotional outburst (for example, in February she had a significant outburst (damaged a wall) that escalated he responded by hitting her and resulted in an eye injury to her), or doesn’t comply (another example was in April when she didn’t want to go somewhere she needed to go). The last incident before that was likely around July.

He mainly uses his hands, but sometimes uses a clothing hanger, and it feels like the force increases when he escalates. The bigger issue is that he has significant anger issues and doesn’t seem able to stop once he escalates, with little to no remorse afterward.

The pattern seems to be about control and compliance. If they immediately do what he says, things are fine. If they don’t — even normal teen behavior — it can escalate into physical discipline.

They know this isn’t okay, but also worry about making things worse or escalating conflict.
I’m not sure what to do to help my kids. I do tell them to try to listen to limit conflict, but I don’t know how much I can actually do to prevent this from backfiring. What can I realistically do here? They are teens — it doesn’t feel appropriate for them to be physically disciplined like this at all at this stage. I’m struggling with how to protect them while not escalating things further, especially given the 50/50 situation and that my ex is a very angry person, I’m worried for their safety because he can’t control his anger. Location: VA

You seem to believe that there was some age where this was acceptable.

Get CPS involved. Today.

[Anonymous]

The kids need to be empowered to understand that if the dad starts hitting one of them, the others can call the police or possibly record it on their phone. Talk to your lawyer first.

[Anonymous]

If this isn’t a troll, then presumably this is a woman who is worried he might murder her and/or the kids if she makes a fuss about this.

OP, what kind of violence has he shown towards you over the years? A domestic violence agency might also have some good advice.

Do the kids say they don’t want to go stay with him?

[Anonymous]

You MUST tell your attorney and the court and file immediately for modification of custody. They are teens who are being abused! Do not let them go back there. He can’t physically pick all 3 of them up and put them in the car. Stand up for them! The court will
Listen to your teens. My boys were only 11 and they refused to go back to ex house.

[Anonymous]

Tell them to call the police next time is happens.

[Anonymous]

Kids can refuse to go to him. Get full custody

[Anonymous]

OP - I would say all three teens have a right to say they do not want to be at his house due to threat of physical violence. You need to get in touch with your lawyer on how to proceed to protect them. Somebody needs to do an investigation - maybe request a guardian ad litem to act on their behalf in the court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When he hit the kids and you were still married, what did you do?

Have you ever hit your children?

I’m not trying to be a jerk, I’m trying to consider what he’s going to tell his lawyer— that you were fine with corporal punishment before and now you’re “punishing” him.

I don’t hit my kids. When they were younger, it was mostly spanking, though there were times it went further. I stepped in when I could, but I didn’t support many of his choices. It feels like things may be getting worse now, and I know I need to have a serious conversation with him about it—possibly threaten taking him to court, it might improve things. He still wants to see the kids, and I’m concerned about my safety if I pursue full custody.

No no no. No! Do not discuss this with him. No threats, no cajoling, no warnings. You need to go straight to your lawyer.

[Anonymous]

It made me feel sick reading this. Your poor children. You need to tell them to call 911 when this happens, because you know it will happen again. He belongs in jail. This is sickening

[Anonymous]

What you described is well past legally permissible physical discipline in the state of Virginia, and if your children called 911 and police observed physical injuries such as you described your ex would be arrested for domestic assault.

[Anonymous]

You're both terrible parents. You're allowing your children to be abused. You need help.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a troll. If not, OP you are complicit in this. Probably abused and groomed by your ex, but complicit. One of a few things will happen here with no course correction: one of your sons is going to turn on his dad and this will end poorly for everyone, a mandated school reporter will pick up on this and you both will lose custody, or some/all of these kids will grow up and repeat the abuse in their own relationships, likely your boys towards women and children. Stop sitting on your hands and do the right thing.

- MD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds fake

It sounds a bit fake to me because there's no mention of the kids fighting back. After we seoerated and ex escalated, my 6 year old took a swing at my ex when he got out of control violent... then police were involved, my ex was given some supervised parenting that went poorly, and eventually after a long court journey lost all parenting rights.

It is not very common that kids this age would put up with physical abuse like this without running away or fighting back. I'm wondering what the circumstances are that would make them just take it?! Is this a brainwashing super religious situation or something?

[Anonymous]

This should be reported immediately to Child Protective Services. When your child got an eye injury after an assault, how did you not call the police immediately? You are teaching them it is okay for their dad to assault them.

CPS will not take it lightly that he is using an object other than his hand and that he has left visible injuries.

Do not talk to him. Go to authorities. If the kids would rather you not get involved, they should tell anyone at school and it will be reported to CPS for investigation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds fake

It sounds a bit fake to me because there's no mention of the kids fighting back. After we seoerated and ex escalated, my 6 year old took a swing at my ex when he got out of control violent... then police were involved, my ex was given some supervised parenting that went poorly, and eventually after a long court journey lost all parenting rights.

It is not very common that kids this age would put up with physical abuse like this without running away or fighting back. I'm wondering what the circumstances are that would make them just take it?! Is this a brainwashing super religious situation or something?

I would guess they have been on the receiving end of corporal punishment all of their lives. OP mentioned that they are now "past the age" which implies there is an age where you can hit your kids.