Dislike DS’s GF

[Anonymous]

Look at the forum name you posted in. Pay close attention to the first word. Now zip it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 24, our second boy out of four, and our fifth is a girl. He’s been dating a girl who is the same age that he met online almost a year ago and she is a sweet and very attractive young lady, rather introverted, but she doesn’t have any ambition or drive.

She doesn’t have a job and she lives with her parents. She did attend and did graduate from our in state university that’s ranked well (as a commuter) majoring in something art related while living at home. My son graduated in 2023 from CMU with a degree in Computer Science and landed an amazing job later that year and has his own apartment and lives alone. He is a very extroverted, and bright. She spends most of the time hanging out at his house waiting for him to get off work and he has recently told me that she wants to move in with him.

DS has said she doesn’t plan to work but he told me that they want to get married in the future, but, considering her future plans, I’m not sure I want them to get married. Is there anything I can say or do to discourage marriage atleast for now or do I just let DS come to his own senses? How can I tak to my son about this ?

Your son is an adult so your feelings on this don't matter. If you no longer want a relationship with your son than by all means tell him how unsuitable his girlfriend is! I can predict estrangement is in your future but you be confuse as to why your son and dil don't want you in their lives

[Anonymous]

I would ask her lots of questions about what she plans to do for a career, for work etc. What's she interested in, get curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do worry someone who's lived with her parents and never worked doesn't know how to take care of herself at all. Like even a SAHM should understand budgets, home maintenance and such. And other things like, does she do a full share of chores, actually know how to shop, budget, meal plan and cook?

Look I think any adult, male or female, should have these skills, but if her plan is to be a housewife/sahm, she needs to really pull her weight on these issues.

I know quite a few women of my generation (40-50 yo now) who went straight into their husbands’ houses but it was not in the U.S.
for some of them it was an adjustment but they mostly did fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do worry someone who's lived with her parents and never worked doesn't know how to take care of herself at all. Like even a SAHM should understand budgets, home maintenance and such. And other things like, does she do a full share of chores, actually know how to shop, budget, meal plan and cook?

Look I think any adult, male or female, should have these skills, but if her plan is to be a housewife/sahm, she needs to really pull her weight on these issues.

I know quite a few women of my generation (40-50 yo now) who went straight into their husbands’ houses but it was not in the U.S.
for some of them it was an adjustment but they mostly did fine

I mean, sure one of my grandmothers got married at 18, but her parents owned a farm. Of course she knew how to cook and take care of things. Whereas I met plenty of people in college in the 2000s who didn't know how to cook or do their laundry. I'd say it's much more likely a 24 year old today who's never left home doesn't know how to cook or take care of a house.

And my grandmothers in the 1940s both had jobs before they got married. This woman appears to have never had a job.

[Anonymous]

I’d back way up on this one TBH. Especially given he is only 24, odds are she is NOT the woman he will end up marrying. With no intervention from you. That said, the last thing you want to do is set yourself against her.

There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM, being an introvert, or being less ambitious in terms of money and career (IF your spouse agrees and it works for your marriage). That is a long way away, regardless.

I’d be more curious/concerned as to why she is not working at all right now and what it is she does all day? Has your son mentioned anything? (I certainly would not ask) Most parents of adult children would not be really ok with that, and most young women would be a little socially embarrassed by that. I’d wonder if she has physical or mental health issues, or something odd is going on within the family? Is she spending a lot is time on a productive hobby or volunteer pursuit? Helping with a family business? It just seems a little weird otherwise.

[Anonymous]

If she is maternal /hoping for kids I'd be ok with this. If she is "chronically ill" or "exhausted" and expects to live like a child herself being pampered and cared for, then this relationship will be doomed once she loses her looks.

[Anonymous]

She can’t be any less ambitious. She doesn’t currently have a JOB! I think it is very important for every young adult to have a job, spend their money on what they want before they get married or move in together. If I was the OP, I would ask some hard questions. This doesn’t mean she is a bad person, but you have to wonder who is paying her bills (from health care to her hair dresser)? And, the big question… What does she DO all day? Her parents are probably thrilled your DS is in the picture! Your DS needs to require her to show some independence. This girl has some issues.

[Anonymous]

The fact that she has no job is a huge red flag. If she was living with her parents to save money while working, that would be fine. But the lack of a job is not okay. I would aboslutely talk to my son about the red flags if he can't seem to see them.

[Anonymous]

My son was dating seriously a young woman who didn’t work and didn’t really have any training to get a job. I talked with him about it. I think it’s important to be onboard with taking care of another person as opposed to both partners contributing financially to their future life together. It’s still not my choice but I think it’s ok as his mom to talk about it just like I talk about other life decisions with him.

In the end what happened with us is that she went back to school and is doing really well working towards a career and she starts her first part time job shortly.

[Anonymous]

Kids today are different from how we were. I see it with my young adults. I would like them to do things the way I did it, but the world is vastly different. And the job market is abysmal. My oldest daughter has an art degree from an excellent program. She’s been unable to find a job in her field. She’s currently working for Harris Teeter. Not how I envisioned things going, but she’s working.

When I started reading your opening thread I thought you were talking about her and then I realized no. But I had this sinking feeling thinking she was being judged unfairly.

I’d encourage you to find some things you like about her. She’s still developing and what she is today is not what she will be in 5 years. Think how much we changed over our 20’s.

[Anonymous]

This was my sister, she got an art degree despite not being much of an artist and then could/did not work. Promptly married a guy who took care of her.
Long story short, in her late 20s she decided life was passing her by and moved overseas to teach English, ending the marriage. Luckily no children.
I would worry that she isn't mature enough to get married if she is so dependent. My own mom moved from her parents house to her husband's but she had a job.

[Anonymous]

My SIL grew up missing her busy mom, she has a STEM degree and had a well paying job but she gave that up to be a SAHM. It was between her and my brother. It never occurred to any of us to see it as our problem. It would've been serious invasion of privacy. Her daughter is a PhD professor, son is a scientist and DIL is a medical doctor. One of the happiest family we know.

[Anonymous]

She's a kept woman. Don't be mad OP.
The more you despise this woman -- the more your son won't.
Be nice to your future DIL.

[Anonymous]

They'll figure it out, not your problem. In this day and age, social pressure would push her into doing some reason to go out of the house, no matter a job, business, art, charity etc.

You should appreciate that she is nice, has supportive family, college degree and is honest. At least she isn't duping your son by pretending to be a working girl with some temporary entry level job, make believe business or social influencer gig.