People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Honestly, Im just happy to have the connection to the other parents to know what is going on in their house of vice versa. I think by HS so much of it is kid is out of my house and turning a blind eye not asking questions about what is going on in the other house.

That is more important to me than reciprocating invites etc

[Anonymous]

This is a recurring DCUM topic every few months.
Personally, I’m a giver more than taker. Kids are college & HS now, so far less parental involvement.
I lump into 4 groups
“Eager” giver – always hosting or arranging things.
“I can’t host but will help” giver who plans meet ups at places, give kids rides to events, offers to bring snacks, etc.
“Give & Take –er” – sometimes they host, sometimes they help, sometimes they just drop and run.
“Taker” – never hosts, never helps, just drop & run.
For the eager givers – realize sometimes it is over the top, and that you might be inadvertently setting the bar so high that other people will just stop trying.
Takers – offer to help. Even just a little – “would you like me to bring snacks? Can I pick Larlo up along the way since I’m driving by his neighborhood?”
You do you. Don’t resent the takers – either accept they are takers & keep inviting or simply drop them off the list of people you invite. I know – it is hard when your kids are good friends.
I don’t view this as transactional – I think in healthy friendships there should be both give & take. If there is never any reciprocation at any level (e.g. – offering to bring snacks or drive), I can see why someone will start thinking the friendship is lopsided and resent the takers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say some of it is my husband. He gets very stressed with kids/teens at the house, so we host less. I try to make it up in other ways (mostly by offering to drive whenever possible, like late-night pickups from school events).

+1

Exact same. My husband too.

I’ve always reciprocated by doing a disproportionate share of the driving. I WFH and have a relatively flexible schedule.

[Anonymous]

For the past few years, my kids have been invited to someone else house for playdate maybe once and some birthday parties. I don't know the rule here. If a family invite my kid to their house for playdate ONCE, do they families expect me to host playdates as well either in our messy house or plan something outside NEXT as my turn to reciprocate? The playdates ended in so so and my kids have mixed feelings with the other kids.

We only do big birthday party for each kid once every few years, and we celebrate with family members only for other years. When I ask my kid who should be on guest list, and they tell me that some kids they don't really play with even though they attend their birthday party which invite the full class. So, we can't reciprocate to invite a few kids on birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Stop offering to have the kid over or drive if it annoys you that the other family is not reciprocating. This isn't hard. You can be upset by it but you have the ability to not have the kid over or drive or do whatever.

We invited over the kids DS asked to invite over. Sometimes we drove them places. It was not a big deal to us. A few people were using us, they would ask if we would watch their kid when they had something to do. If we were free and DS was ok with having a long playdate, we said yes but we got tired of being used for babysitting, so we stopped saying yes.

[Anonymous]

Not every family thinks or operates the same way you do. Just give what you are comfortable giving and cut yourself off if it feels like you are giving too much. I don’t think other families should have to change how they go about their day, to make you feel reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

People who demand reciprocation and people who demand friendship go hand in hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not think it is transactional to notice patterns of effort. It is not about expecting payback. It is about how the relationship feels on the giving side.

Hosting is easy for some, which is great. For many parents, though, the planning, supervising, cleaning, and rearranging schedules is real work. When one family hosts repeatedly and the other never takes any initiative, even in small or simple ways, it can begin to feel imbalanced. This can happen even when the non-hosting family is not doing anything intentionally wrong.

Reciprocity does not mean keeping score or asking for identical invitations. It can be something small, like offering the next hangout, inviting the child to the park, giving a ride, or simply showing that the relationship involves effort from both sides.

If someone notices that they are always the one who steps up, it is not unhealthy or transactional to think about that. It is simply an attempt to make sure the dynamic feels mutual rather than one-sided.

Different families have different capacities, and that is completely valid. Mutual effort in whatever form each family can manage is what keeps relationships feeling respectful and sustainable.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This hasn’t bothered me in a while. I was glad my kids all have a lot of friends. I just feel like some people are just takers. They never offer anything, just take take take.

I know some people have difficult circumstances. I don’t necessarily think it has to do with money but personality.

I wonder if it is lack of basic manners? There are some kids I have hosted, driven, fed countless times with absolutely no reciprocity. Reciprocation can be in ANY form.

Reciprocity implies transactional because its an exchange of sorts. Doing something and expecting reciprocity is only going to lead to hurt feelings and disappointment or grievances.

You can only have very clear expectations- IME- with close friends, not parents of other kids you take to soccer somedays. I can say to my closest friend, Yes we want to see you but I can't do the car ride this time (knowing we have made the trip the last 3 out of 5 times we have seen them). Its hard for the baby to be in the car for 2+ hours can we meet in the middle or you guys come over here?

Also, do you ask for favors? I always offer but some people dont take me up on it and then I would hate to find out they actually think I dont reciprocate.Or if, instead of a playdate inside or a party I suggest meeting up at a park and bringing donuts and coffee but you decline. Not everyone reciprocates in 1:1. A few of husbands friends have huge houses and pools with crazy summer parties, but we cant reciprocate that exact environment.

[Anonymous]

A carpool should be reciprocal if possible, because it's a chore, but I don't think hosting needs to be. If someone wants to throw a party, they can't do it without guests - and it's so uncomfortable to invite people and have many decline. I say yes to invitations from friends because it's supportive, not because I think the host is doing me a favor that needs to be returned.

[Anonymous]

I do think it's a bit odd when invite someone's child over and parent doesn't reciprocate by inviting your child over another time. (Only happened once; lacks a bit of kindness and give side eye in head but let it go.)

[Anonymous]

I think takers tell themselves stories, like “oh well they have a basement so it’s easier to host there,” or “well they only have 2 kids and we have 3” or “well our dog jumps a lot.”
It’s kind of bullshit IMO
The ratio at which I host the friend stuff is insane. I do it because otherwise my sensitive kid won’t have friend hangouts and will be super sad on weekends and instead on screens 100 percent of the time.
I do not so it because I think perpetually hosting is awesome. I like and need quiet time to do laundry too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think takers tell themselves stories, like “oh well they have a basement so it’s easier to host there,” or “well they only have 2 kids and we have 3” or “well our dog jumps a lot.”
It’s kind of bullshit IMO
The ratio at which I host the friend stuff is insane. I do it because otherwise my sensitive kid won’t have friend hangouts and will be super sad on weekends and instead on screens 100 percent of the time.
I do not so it because I think perpetually hosting is awesome. I like and need quiet time to do laundry too.

The following is not a dig at your kid or family, it's an explanation of mine: I have an only child who is mellow, and we're busy with activities much of the weekend. When we're home, I don't need her out of the house or kept occupied. Therefore I don't feel the same way about reciprocating as some of the parents who view a playdate offer as a welcome break.
I get that many families are different, but this is the reality for my family and it's a big part of why we don't host often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think it's a bit odd when invite someone's child over and parent doesn't reciprocate by inviting your child over another time. (Only happened once; lacks a bit of kindness and give side eye in head but let it go.)

I am a foreigner. My child was invited to a someone's house to play 1:1 as playdate by a few families, only once from each family. It never come to my mind that I need to reciprocate by inviting their child over to my house to play. My house is too messy and cluttered to host. My child does not really play at home. We are out of house on weeknight or weekend most of the time due to activities. Do families expect me to reciprocate after one playdate only at their house for playdate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it's a bit odd when invite someone's child over and parent doesn't reciprocate by inviting your child over another time. (Only happened once; lacks a bit of kindness and give side eye in head but let it go.)

I am a foreigner. My child was invited to a someone's house to play 1:1 as playdate by a few families, only once from each family. It never come to my mind that I need to reciprocate by inviting their child over to my house to play. My house is too messy and cluttered to host. My child does not really play at home. We are out of house on weeknight or weekend most of the time due to activities. Do families expect me to reciprocate after one playdate only at their house for playdate?

Kids don’t care if your house is messy or cluttered.
Did your kid enjoy playing at a friends house? Did you enjoy that he got invited somewhere? The nice thing to do is have your kid now have a friend over. It’s not that you have to, it’s just the nice thing to do.