FIL Critiques

[Anonymous]

Arthur and Douglas!

[Anonymous]

There is a 3-step way to handle it:

1. Acknowledge what he said. "That's an interesting idea."

2. Express appreciation. "Thanks for pointing that out."

3. State why you are going to do exactly what you want to do. "We are going to hold off on any new improvement projects because we need to save money and don't have the time to focus on it."

He will feel heard, appreciated, and you politely let him know that you cannot take this on right now.

I dealt with a lot of unsolicited advice and could write a book about it. I had a great relationship with a challenging in-law, and it was very rewarding in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'll take it under advisement. Here, have some mixed nuts."

This. Your FIL is my mom. He's not going to change . You have to learn to just not be bothered by it. DH will sometimes turn it into a game by guessing what her critiques will be in advance or making bets about how long she'll last before her first one.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem.
He can’t stand up to his father without feeling bad.

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

"I'll put it on The List."

A very short phrase. Same phrase. Repeated every time. With no interest shown. That's what DD says when we suggest a movie or a book and we know now to curb our suggestions.

[Anonymous]

"Here's a critique for you, FIL. Shut the F up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'll put it on The List."

A very short phrase. Same phrase. Repeated every time. With no interest shown. That's what DD says when we suggest a movie or a book and we know now to curb our suggestions.

This is a good one. Maybe put out a yellow legal pad and create the FIL Thankgsiving 2025 Helpful Suggestion List. If he starts mentioning something verbally, just hand him the list.

[Anonymous]

He thinks he's being helpful. Tell him you are not trying to optimize anything so he can just reframe his visit and relax without looking for areas for improvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. My FIL does the same. He suggested we add a "wing" to our house! We have 4 bedrooms and 2 kids, so we already have a guest room. Apparently it isn't grand enough for him to feel comfortable in. Ugh.

Honestly thank you for sharing. I sometimes feel very alone in this! Yes it could be worse regarding in laws but it’s SO ANNOYING to feel like someone is judging everything and finding fault all the time!

DP- I'll commiserate with you! For YEARS my mom harped on us not having a garage. She would come up with all kinds of crazy ideas for us to have a garge on our tiny urban lot. It really grated on me after a while! She finally gave it up but recently expressed a desire to move here to be closer to us. I explained that the neighborhood she liked is all street parking and she would miss pulling right into a garage. She told me, exasperated, " Oh I don't care about that!"

You can't make this stuff up.

[Anonymous]

When my MIL was at her peak of driving me BATTY with snide comments, I started playing "MIL BINGO" in my head. She had a few particularly irritating ones that would make me tense. Once I started anticipating that she WOULD say these things, and in fact, I almost wanted her to so that I could play my mental game, I STOPPED CARING SO MUCH. Like instead of going to a place of tense annoyance I'd think "yesss" and give myself a tally mark.

It was amazing how well it worked. So: you and your DH should come up with a rote response in the moment like "noted!" and then move along. But also, write these down! Maybe a shared iphone note? No other comments, just the critique.

I find it's much better to do the old "If you can't beat them, join them" with old cranky people.

[Anonymous]

"As a critique, John, you should know it is extraordinarily rude to criticize your hosts, on Thanksgiving, no less."

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for this helpful advice!!!!

- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say whatever you want to say in advance, but there is like a .000001 percent chance he will change. I would just pivot to laughing about it behind his back and letting it all go. My sister and I bond through laughing about the incredibly ridiculous things our dad says.

Agreed. He’ll never change. It’s hard to laugh about it when I see my husband get so upset. FIL has never had a real conversation with him, ever. It’s all unwanted “critiques” and long monologues that center around himself. I personally just think he’s a socially awkward blowhard (potentially high functioning autism?) but I don’t want him to feel rejected by us either. I think we are one of the last places where he is welcome. My husband says every time he’ll try to have a real conversation but it won’t happen. Very sad. Also very, very annoying.

This is so validating, because my dad is the exact same way. I haven’t been able to have a real convo w him since maybe I was a kid, for the same reasons you cite. And he is incredibly critical as well. I am not nearly as kind as you because when he criticizes things in my house where he stays when he visits, I ignore him. I can’t even engage enough ti pivot the conversation. I look him dead in the eyes and then walk on. My husband and I have tried so hard to ask real questions about his life experiences. Heck I even had my son interview him on camera about a certain aspect of his life he loves to talk about. But the responses even then were long monologues about himself that somehow don’t provide useful or interesting info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. My FIL does the same. He suggested we add a "wing" to our house! We have 4 bedrooms and 2 kids, so we already have a guest room. Apparently it isn't grand enough for him to feel comfortable in. Ugh.

This made me laugh, tell him the wings are at the White House! Not your house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'll take it under advisement. Here, have some mixed nuts."

This is really good advice but I literally tried this and he said “small critique, with nut allergies being so pervasive may I suggest a different canapé for future visits?”

I hope this made you laugh! In real life it was very frustrating.

DP.
Sure, bring us some good ones next time!