Christmas Stress/Rigidity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

I'm the mom of an 11yo dd who also has Christmas anxiety-it is so stressful for her! (she is dx asd and also now anxiety). I don't have all the answers, but a few things stood out to me OP in your posts.

-There is just TOO MUCH gifting going on here for her. My dd would melt down if all these people gave her gifts that she was expected to open and fawn over! Is it possible that you and dad give her the gifts she actually wants (the tape and pencils, ect) and then she can go somewhere like her room, and keep her family gifts for later when she could open them privately? Or you could open with her and decide to return or donate, at this later time.
I know with family, they think 'oh of COURSE Larla wants all this stuff that 'I' want to give her' but really they are not thinking about what Larla's needs are, especially because they are not what other people's are. Yes, grandma and aunts/uncles will probably make stupid remarks about Larla leaving the room-like a few of the comments on this post :/

-all the Stuff-the the busy decor, the things-would send my kid into anxiety. Not saying you should not do these things if they bring your family joy, just make sure dd has a space to be in quiet (like her room or wherever) and that she can go there without judgement from you or snide remarks from grandma. But being expected to Do All The Christmas Things would be really stressful for my dd.

I think OP that you are just going to need to set firm boundaries with the relatives-if dd needs to not participate in extended gift opening, that is what she needs and grandma needs to know that you will protect dd and her needs first. I don't know that you can make them stop gifting unwanted things to her, but you can deal with them in the way that is least stressful to dd.

As to PPs making comments like don't prep your kid, don't baby her-until you witness your normally pleasant dc try to elope on Christmas Eve and attempt to jump out of the car, keep your comments to yourself!

I’ve done this and more and still say don’t baby her.

It is helping your child-with a disability that affects their life every day-learn to self regulate and advocate for their needs.

[Anonymous]

New poster here - I have a child like this, except older and even less in control of her emotions. We've tried everything and currently have a parenting coach. Nothing has made a meaningful difference. There is major sibling resentment that has torn our family apart. I obviously don't have any advice, but just wanted to extend sympathy/empathy. I think many people posting have no experience with this kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

So much of what you describe is setting her up for failure. It sounds like visual and auditory overload! I think you should really sit down and think about why you feel that your other kids “need” this. I think the best holiday is the one with the least drama! And I also think compromising a bit on things like all day music and people talking over each other is very reasonable. I am not on the spectrum but remember hiding in my room by the end of the day because the noise and multiple conversations happening all day was just too much for me.

I am very sympathetic (I have posted “I wish we could just cancel Christmas” more than once) but it sounds like you are not really doing working with her.

For my child calming things down so it’s a fun day but without the expectation that it will be !so! Magical! And! amazing!!!! Has been the most helpful thing. Most of our very best days are random days where the stars align and we have an especially beautiful day. My younger child is not having their childhood ruined by a slightly more moderated holiday.

Does she have a therapist? It’s very early to be worrying about the holidays but perhaps she can write down each worry and problem solve her response.

[Anonymous]

OP, anxiety is a beast and it sounds like it's at the heart of a lot of your child's issues with holidays.

I have two neurodivergent kids who also have anxiety. Holidays are hard, but it's helped us to:

- get support and medication as needed for anxiety - it's hard to be flexible when you're on fire

- talk as a family about which pieces of celebrations are important to us so everyone has things they like to look forward to (baking cookies, decorating the tree, etc.)

- planning in downtime so everyone can take the time they need to rest/recharge/decompress as necessary

- simplifying holiday plans. This one has been so good for me, the parent, honestly. It's okay not to do everything, and you don't have to do things just because you've always done them.

[Anonymous]

Worry less about Christmas. Assume it may be unavoidable that she cries. Give her a pass to retreat to her room if necessary and let your other kids keep going. Spend the time and energy you save on micromanaging Christmas to instead work on getting her into therapy and also meeting with a psychiatrist to see if there might be medications you can try that will make it a bit easier. I am giving you this warm and encouraging advice and redirection as the parent as a late-diagnosed autistic tween who loves Christmas and also struggles mightily with it. And my child has benefitted more from meds and therapy than anything I’ve ever done for Christmas. And their favorite part of Christmas is setting up the Christmas tree. The rest always ends in crying and overstimulation. And it’s okay. And you can spend time reading “Is This Autism?” By Barbara Henderson. You’re a good mom. Your focus on Christmas is a natural expression of our culture, but you’re going to need to shift gears to become a special needs mom now, and that will come with different areas of focus, a healthy serving of grief, and hopefully some grace you wouldn’t have encountered otherwise. I wish you luck. I wish your daughter luck, and love, and grace to do what she needs to do on Christmas.

[Anonymous]

I assume she’s not on meds, right? Or ineffective ones for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband, who is on the spectrum, had many an anger episode at Christmas because he has a hard time with something outside of his routine that also comes with social expectations. Now the kids are older, more predictable, and we've significantly pared down the holidays (fewer people, fewer events), he doesn't get upset anymore. He's also gotten used to the way I do things and manage the household (he comes from a different culture and Christmas, while acknowledged, wasn't a big deal in his family).

1. I would talk with your child every single day about her goal for this holiday: trying to keep emotions in check. This is a long-term goal that she's going to have to work on for years anyway. Tell her that she's old enough to understand the concept of proportional response. Nothing that happens apart from someone getting physically hurt, or the house burning down, is worthy of a cry. If she's feeling overwhelmed, her goal is to warn you, and work on understanding that this is no one's fault; and that she can go and calm down in a quiet room, then rejoin the group.

2. I would significantly pare down the holiday. Maybe larger, more expensive gifts, but just two per kid. Something they each want. Nothing that's a need! The needs stuff can be given at other times.

3. She seems to be stressing about the complexity of the event because her brain wants to keep track of all the details. Don't give her so many details to keep track of. Don't forget people on the spectrum may be unreliable reporters when it comes to their own feelings and why they have them. Maybe there's too much conversation, too much music, too many different dishes on the table, too many special decorations, and they're all prickly, and the tablecloth pattern is bothersome. Who knows? You can maybe have a quieter Christmas, with less stuff, but the stuff you have should wow everyone. Like one huge tree, instead of garlands strewn around the house or a second tree somewhere. One decorated cake for dessert, instead of various sweets. One impressive entree, etc. Christmas music put on low, not blasted at full volume, with breaks for silence. Maybe it's the sheer overload of sensory stuff that's making her hyperfocus on comparing presents, etc, as a means to distract herself.

It's hard to give you specifics, because each autistic child is different. My autistic son is happy with his noise-blocking headphones and isn't prone to anger or tears. When things get too much, he removes himself and reads in his room.

Um, WHAT? This is horrible parenting. Tell a competent psychiatric professional word for word that you said that to your child and see the response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

You seem rigid in the required types of gifts given. Wow. Your xmas does not sound flexible or easy going and yet you expect your child to be this way. I wonder if you are neurodivergent as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

YOU’RE TOO CONTROLLING! Back off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

I'm the mom of an 11yo dd who also has Christmas anxiety-it is so stressful for her! (she is dx asd and also now anxiety). I don't have all the answers, but a few things stood out to me OP in your posts.

-There is just TOO MUCH gifting going on here for her. My dd would melt down if all these people gave her gifts that she was expected to open and fawn over! Is it possible that you and dad give her the gifts she actually wants (the tape and pencils, ect) and then she can go somewhere like her room, and keep her family gifts for later when she could open them privately? Or you could open with her and decide to return or donate, at this later time.
I know with family, they think 'oh of COURSE Larla wants all this stuff that 'I' want to give her' but really they are not thinking about what Larla's needs are, especially because they are not what other people's are. Yes, grandma and aunts/uncles will probably make stupid remarks about Larla leaving the room-like a few of the comments on this post :/

-all the Stuff-the the busy decor, the things-would send my kid into anxiety. Not saying you should not do these things if they bring your family joy, just make sure dd has a space to be in quiet (like her room or wherever) and that she can go there without judgement from you or snide remarks from grandma. But being expected to Do All The Christmas Things would be really stressful for my dd.

I think OP that you are just going to need to set firm boundaries with the relatives-if dd needs to not participate in extended gift opening, that is what she needs and grandma needs to know that you will protect dd and her needs first. I don't know that you can make them stop gifting unwanted things to her, but you can deal with them in the way that is least stressful to dd.

As to PPs making comments like don't prep your kid, don't baby her-until you witness your normally pleasant dc try to elope on Christmas Eve and attempt to jump out of the car, keep your comments to yourself!

I’ve done this and more and still say don’t baby her.

It is helping your child-with a disability that affects their life every day-learn to self regulate and advocate for their needs.

When it becomes inhibitory to their growth it’s not helping them or teaching them anything except how to be anxious and how to depend on mom to survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

You seem rigid in the required types of gifts given. Wow. Your xmas does not sound flexible or easy going and yet you expect your child to be this way. I wonder if you are neurodivergent as well.

I would also not be surprised if I were neurodivergent, but I'm trying to describe to the posters who suggest that I rein it in that I can only limit the gifts so much - I do give a gift from myself (something I know that they need like new pants or socks) and DH and I give a joint gift from "Santa," but 90% of what is under the tree are things I don't put there. I feel like it's everyone around me that's rigid about Christmas. I have suggested traveling for Christmas, toning it down, forgoing Christmas cards or baking or various little traditions, etc. - but everyone else (even the dd who gets stressed about it) - can't imagine Christmas being any other way. I don't make anyone give a gift - everyone else just really likes gifting. So I am looking for help to rein it in - but also, it is exciting for my other dcs to get and give gifts, so I want to be respectful of them as well.

[Anonymous]

^ Same with the opening one at a time! I keep suggesting we open gifts at our own pace but no one will hear of it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like no one actually wants to do anything differently, so the options are limited to people’s reactions. Helping your daughter manage her emotions on Christmas Day, and having her emotions in the least disruptive way, and helping you manage your anxiety and distress around having unhappiness on Christmas Day. Do you have some tools or ideas of things that might help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 10, I would give her $100, or whatever you spend, and take her shopping. She picks everything out, she helps wrap it. If she whines about it on Christmas that item gets immediately sent to Goodwill.

Actually you said she’s 13, my mistake. Everything goes to Goodwill if she whines or cries. Stop babying her!

I respect this advice, but dd is my "least whiny" kid- the one who will never complain her feet hurt or say she wants something in a store or pester me for something or whine about having to go to bed early. She is terrified of getting in trouble or acting impulsively - there were a few instances where she got close to a friend, acted impulsively (like blurting something out or I remember with one friend she sang along too loud in the Taylor Swift movie) - then realizes she makes a blunder and shuts down again and takes two years to invite another kid over. She tries to keep it together because she knows it's against the rules to cry about a gift. But I hate to see her silently miserable on a day we all look forward to all year. As far as gifts- she would love to just do modest gifts. I would love to just do modest gifts. But we have a very close extended family that all values giving. DD values it too -she gets presents for everyone. We do do a very over the top Christmas - decorated floor to ceiling in every room, a gazillion lights, inflatables, food, parties, constant music, abundant traditions. DD "loves" it, and would initially be upset to do anything differently, but I can see how even something that is exciting is overwhelming and overstimulating. I do agree I need to be very clear about expectation setting and what different consequences will occur. I would love for her to give her gifts to Goodwill - she often doesn't even want most of the things- but she is scared of offending the giver.

Pare down the expectations and tell her that if she's feeling out of sorts she can take a break. You can also tell her that if she doesn't like the gifts, she can think about it for a few weeks and then give them to goodwill or another charity.

[Anonymous]

How about give lots of gifts to each kid for sheer pleasure and novelty. I would never give basic necessities as gifts. Lighten up and be frivolous. You have sucked the joy and whimsy out of the spirit of Christmas.