The age old question opposite sex best friends when you're in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Eh. My now dh tried to claim his ex gf was his ‘best friend’ still when we started dating. I tolerated it for awhile but finally put my foot down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're right I'm not 35 I'm 25, a typo. But do you actually have some advice?

Yes, grow up. When you're young the women you're dating should accept your friend group. As you get older you need to prioritize the woman you are dating if you want it to be serious. It's not rocket science, just good old fashioned human psychology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you're married - no. No woman as a best friend. As to when that change needs to happen, sometime between beginning to date and being married. No exact time but if it isn't happening naturally, you are not in the right marriage-mindset to commit. No one should want to marry you.

Agreed. Female friend is find best friend absolutely not. Some women have to learn this the hard way.

No. Female here whose male best friend was in the wedding party.

If DH didn’t have the emotional maturity to navigate opposite gender friendships, that would have been a red flag.

My wife and I actually swapped best friends in our wedding party, mine was a bridesmaid, hers was a groomsman. I think it's weird when people think this is an issue. I would mostly not be interested in my female friends, but even if that weren't true, the world is full of women I could be interested in them. I can say no to them.

[Anonymous]

This can be tricky. Have you ever dated your best female friend or have you had romantic feelings for her or vice versa perhaps? Is your female best friend in a relationship or is she single and unattached?

Your current girlfriend has experienced some trauma which impacts her feelings and it is healthy that she is addressing her issues with a therapist.

My boyfriend was in a relationship with someone for quite a few years. They broke up, but remained friends meeting occasionally for dinner and talking on the phone or via text. He mentioned this relationship to me early on and while I never met his friend in person, I felt comfortable with the relationship and really didn't think much about it. The issues started when she noticed that our relationship was progressing and she all in a sudden got very needy, constantly calling/texting, fabricating emergencies etc. to get my boyfriend's attention. She also never wanted to meet me in person. My boyfriend ended the relationship with his female friend not because of me, but he realized that she became a distraction to him moving forward with his dating life whether that involved.me or another woman in the future.

I realize that your situation is a bit different. You are much younger and you seem not to have been in a relationship with your best girlfriend before. I would just give it some time and see how things evolve. Concentrate on your girlfriend and make sure that she feels loved and prioritized. It may work out just fine or you may need to make a decision down the road about how much involvement you will have with your best female friend.

I think that if my boyfriend's female friend had perhaps moved into a new relationship herself, then things could have perhaps worked much better, but she felt envious about his relationship with me and she tried to manipulate him to monopolize his time with her. I stayed out of it, but I am glad that he realized himself that this wasn't going to work for him or us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you're married - no. No woman as a best friend. As to when that change needs to happen, sometime between beginning to date and being married. No exact time but if it isn't happening naturally, you are not in the right marriage-mindset to commit. No one should want to marry you.

Agreed. Female friend is find best friend absolutely not. Some women have to learn this the hard way.

Ugh, I detest people who think like that. So narrow minded and petty.

DP

Literally every male best friend I've had after elementary school has hit on me at some point. I agree that if you want to have a serious relationship you can't have "best friends" of the opposite sex. Mutual friends, yes, best friend- no.

[Anonymous]

If a woman doesn't want to date a man with female friends, she should pick a man without female friends.

It's incredibly controlling and insecure to try and get someone to drop their friends after you've started dating. Just like it would be controlling and crazy for a vegan to date a meat eater, and then decide a month in that they want the meat eater to be vegan.

Just find someone compatible with your values. If you are the type to drop a friend because of someone elses insecurities, you are a bad friend and don't deserve their friendship anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a man 35 I have a a group of friends male and female one of the ones I'm closer to is a woman. She could be considered a best friend also have a close male best friend to.
I am dating a woman for a few months now and she's told me that me having a female best friend makes her uncomfortable. She says her discomfort stems from her dad cheating on her mom as a child, and two relationships one where a man claimed to be single and she only found out about the wife when the wife called her. And another when the guy decided he wanted the best friend or they flirted with each other not entirely clear on that. She owns that these are her issues and she's working on them ( therapy) but she's not comfortable with it.
To be clear she hasn't issued any ultimatums and she's always been cordial to my friend.
I guess I'm struggling with what to do as a boyfriend?. I don't love the idea of dropping my friend as she was one of the people who helped me during a hard time in my life. I also really don't want to screw things up with my girlfriend and I want to make her feel secure.

I'm getting conflicting advice . I've heard drop the friend and drop the girlfriend and ask my girlfriend what I can do to help her.

So what should I do?

So your gf is worried about you cheating, because she has been the other woman and involved in cheating before. This is her issue. Would you dump a gay male friend? He could hit on you, and you could turn gay and cheat on her with him!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you're married - no. No woman as a best friend. As to when that change needs to happen, sometime between beginning to date and being married. No exact time but if it isn't happening naturally, you are not in the right marriage-mindset to commit. No one should want to marry you.

Agreed. Female friend is find best friend absolutely not. Some women have to learn this the hard way.

No. Female here whose male best friend was in the wedding party.

If DH didn’t have the emotional maturity to navigate opposite gender friendships, that would have been a red flag.

It would be a red flag that your best friend isn't the person that you plan on spending the rest of your life with. It would be a red flag to me that you prioritize the feelings over your spouse's. I guess some people aren't in marriage for the long haul

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a woman doesn't want to date a man with female friends, she should pick a man without female friends.

It's incredibly controlling and insecure to try and get someone to drop their friends after you've started dating. Just like it would be controlling and crazy for a vegan to date a meat eater, and then decide a month in that they want the meat eater to be vegan.

Just find someone compatible with your values. If you are the type to drop a friend because of someone elses insecurities, you are a bad friend and don't deserve their friendship anyways.

Again where did it say gf said to drop the friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you're married - no. No woman as a best friend. As to when that change needs to happen, sometime between beginning to date and being married. No exact time but if it isn't happening naturally, you are not in the right marriage-mindset to commit. No one should want to marry you.

Entirely wrong-headed response.

I agree that the previous response seems insane to me. I have a very good friend who's a man, and my brother has a best friend who's a woman. If you're strong in your relationship it shouldn't matter.

I also agree with the people who say that your girlfriend has a lot of baggage.

1. Are any of you married.

2. A good friend is different from a bff

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a woman, so may be a bit different, but here it goes. Before I got married, I had lots of male friends. Female too, but it was mostly a situation where she is a girlfriend or wife of my friend. If they break up, the guy stays.

A week before our wedding my husband told me that he is very, very uncomfortable with one of my friends (no real reason, we were never involved and this wasn’t even a super close friendship). So, yeah, I “prioritized” the husband and dropped a friend, NBD, besides my husband allegedly was cheated on before by a woman, so it was understandable, right? Then more requests /demands followed. Then it wasn’t just the guys but also “trashy” women.

Bottom line, if you want to know how people end up completely isolated in abusive relationships, that’s how. You boil slowly, although YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a woman doesn't want to date a man with female friends, she should pick a man without female friends.

It's incredibly controlling and insecure to try and get someone to drop their friends after you've started dating. Just like it would be controlling and crazy for a vegan to date a meat eater, and then decide a month in that they want the meat eater to be vegan.

Just find someone compatible with your values. If you are the type to drop a friend because of someone elses insecurities, you are a bad friend and don't deserve their friendship anyways.

This. I posted my story above. The demands and control will only escalate. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have several female friends and one very good friend of over 16 years. It's ALWAYS a problem for me when dating and a problem for her about half the time. I wish I had a solution for you. I'd say, introduce them and let her see she's no threat but it sounds like you've already done that.

One day you will either get together with the very good friend or you will decide that the girlfriend relationship is serious enough to prioritize the girlfriend over the “very good friend” but until then, no need to back burner the very good friend.

Exactly. Relationships in priorities change. What's funny to me is all these bestie gal women are quick to drop their female friends once they get a serious boyfriend or husband or kids hate their mils and sils because priorities!!!. But the suggestion that she's no longer the priority in her guy friends life sends them into a tizzy talking about I came first!

I say this as someone who has guy friends. I've never had a problem falling back. I want him to succeed and enjoy his relationship. He should pick her every time because we're just friends and if she's crazy and controlling he will figure it out.

It's also not crazy and controlling to not want your so to go on solo trips . Because it's not just about the actual act of cheating but the appearance of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a woman doesn't want to date a man with female friends, she should pick a man without female friends.

It's incredibly controlling and insecure to try and get someone to drop their friends after you've started dating. Just like it would be controlling and crazy for a vegan to date a meat eater, and then decide a month in that they want the meat eater to be vegan.

Just find someone compatible with your values. If you are the type to drop a friend because of someone elses insecurities, you are a bad friend and don't deserve their friendship anyways.

Again where did it say gf said to drop the friend?

It says she hasn't issued an ultimatum yet, but that she's said "she's not comfortable" with it. If she's not comfortable with someone else's friends, that's her own issue. OP doesn't need to do anything. OP shouldn't get involved with someone with more red flags than china. If she can deal with the friend (as he says she's been cordial), then no issue. If she starts getting huffy when OP texts or hangs out with his friends, or starts complaining or asking him to stop, then it's a problem.

Insecure people often act out and try to force other people to compensate for their insecurities. Life doesn't work that way. These are the type of people who get jealous if you hug your sister or interact with women at their work.

Bottom line, if you don't trust your partner (as OPs gf doesnt trust him), there is no point to staying in the relationship. He's done nothing (according to him) to warrant any sort of uncomfortability around his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have several female friends and one very good friend of over 16 years. It's ALWAYS a problem for me when dating and a problem for her about half the time. I wish I had a solution for you. I'd say, introduce them and let her see she's no threat but it sounds like you've already done that.

One day you will either get together with the very good friend or you will decide that the girlfriend relationship is serious enough to prioritize the girlfriend over the “very good friend” but until then, no need to back burner the very good friend.

Exactly. Relationships in priorities change. What's funny to me is all these bestie gal women are quick to drop their female friends once they get a serious boyfriend or husband or kids hate their mils and sils because priorities!!!. But the suggestion that she's no longer the priority in her guy friends life sends them into a tizzy talking about I came first!

I say this as someone who has guy friends. I've never had a problem falling back. I want him to succeed and enjoy his relationship. He should pick her every time because we're just friends and if she's crazy and controlling he will figure it out.

It's also not crazy and controlling to not want your so to go on solo trips . Because it's not just about the actual act of cheating but the appearance of.

This doesn't even make sense. Unless you're 15, women don't drop their friends when they get a serious boyfriend or husband or kids. Perhaps they are busy being a mom and caring for their child, but that's not dropping a female friend. And what does hating mils and sils have to do with anything? And solo trips too? You sound like one of these red flag women who are insecure and try to keep their spouse under their thumb at all times.